One of my friends says that every time she reads my blog, she couldn't help but laugh - apparently that also includes posts like those ones and those ones. :) Well, I didn't ask for the specifics, but she said "every time", so... I'd guess that it also includes them! ^^
That thought eases me yet annoys me at the same time.
I like how my writing make people laugh, and I'd hate it if I ended up brainwashing someone else into negativity - although I doubt that from the bottom of my heart.
After knowing that though, I don't really write posts full of depression any more. Actually, that wasn't the only reason that's been preventing me from writing posts full of depression. What "Anon" and my other friend said also affected this.
I now feel obligated to not directly say that I want to die again - even if I wish for it in every second that I'm awake. My repetitiveness... I don't know, I don't like it when I say that I want to die and people laugh at it. :/ Hm.
And I don't like how my friend was joking about death. I don't like it, but then again, who cares whether I like it or not.
...Gaarggghh. Saying that reminded me of a conversation I once had with my friend in the past - one that had me annoyed considerately, but since it was through Skype chat, I managed to not show it too much.
We were arguing over how Australia education is too easy.
It was another pointless argument that made no sense. I wanted to just stop it but I didn't want to back out either. The two lines that annoyed me the most are still vivid in my memory...
"You don't have to like it." < this annoyed me since the line I'd said before then was "It being too easy in my eyes doesn't necessary means that it's terrible. But I still hate it." I wanted to yell out loud; "EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why, why, why, WHYYYYYY!??? You said that Australia education "...is like that so everyone has a chance to 'succeed' It is also for those people who are not very smart and who have disabilities"! It makes me want to yell to them to not drag me down with everybody else! Because I'm so un-discipline, I need things like deadlines and exam dates to put me to work, but if what I am forced to do is not hard enough, I can't be any better! It makes me want to stab myself a thousand times over and over again so there'd be something that was forcing me into studying harder!!! It makes me want to bang my head against the wall a thousand times over and over again so that I'd just somehow study ahead!!! It makes me want to become better than this so much, but studying alone is surprisingly difficult - I can't even test myself on an exam!!! It makes me want to die over and over again because I'm so lacking!!!!!
...
"So, essentially you are frustrated by the fact that the australian government is good.". < This was so off yet somehow right at the same time it pisses me off how I can't word out a response to deny that cursed statement. Back then I'd simply ignored this line, but now if I think about it, if I was truly frustrated, then the only possible reason that I could come up with is that, "despite the economy being so good, why is the education so easy"?
Actually... the education isn't that easy. However!! if I still managed to get As, then I believe it is definitely too easy. I don't believe that I'm that smart, so the only reason there is would be that the Australian Curriculum is too easy!! That's right, what I really am worth are just friggin' Fs! It's impossible for me to excel at anything!! Why is it that I don't even study and still get As on almost everything!?? I don't feel like I know anything at all, no, I actually know nothing at all, yet WHYYYY!??? Why do I still get As!?? It makes no sense!! I don't even know what year 9/11 was in, and I only knew about 9/11 a few years ago!! Even now I'm still not sure what it is exactly!!! I'm so stupid it makes me want to strangle myself, yet WHYYYY!?? Why do I see As, As, As, on my Report Card!???????????????????
I feel so conflicted and possibly guilty to know that somehow I managed to get As when I never really tried!!! So if that is the case, it certainly is too easy!! Unless I get Fs, or am in danger of getting Fs, it's too easy!!!
...
That thought eases me yet annoys me at the same time.
I like how my writing make people laugh, and I'd hate it if I ended up brainwashing someone else into negativity - although I doubt that from the bottom of my heart.
After knowing that though, I don't really write posts full of depression any more. Actually, that wasn't the only reason that's been preventing me from writing posts full of depression. What "Anon" and my other friend said also affected this.
I now feel obligated to not directly say that I want to die again - even if I wish for it in every second that I'm awake. My repetitiveness... I don't know, I don't like it when I say that I want to die and people laugh at it. :/ Hm.
And I don't like how my friend was joking about death. I don't like it, but then again, who cares whether I like it or not.
...Gaarggghh. Saying that reminded me of a conversation I once had with my friend in the past - one that had me annoyed considerately, but since it was through Skype chat, I managed to not show it too much.
We were arguing over how Australia education is too easy.
It was another pointless argument that made no sense. I wanted to just stop it but I didn't want to back out either. The two lines that annoyed me the most are still vivid in my memory...
"You don't have to like it." < this annoyed me since the line I'd said before then was "It being too easy in my eyes doesn't necessary means that it's terrible. But I still hate it." I wanted to yell out loud; "EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why, why, why, WHYYYYYY!??? You said that Australia education "...is like that so everyone has a chance to 'succeed' It is also for those people who are not very smart and who have disabilities"! It makes me want to yell to them to not drag me down with everybody else! Because I'm so un-discipline, I need things like deadlines and exam dates to put me to work, but if what I am forced to do is not hard enough, I can't be any better! It makes me want to stab myself a thousand times over and over again so there'd be something that was forcing me into studying harder!!! It makes me want to bang my head against the wall a thousand times over and over again so that I'd just somehow study ahead!!! It makes me want to become better than this so much, but studying alone is surprisingly difficult - I can't even test myself on an exam!!! It makes me want to die over and over again because I'm so lacking!!!!!
...
"So, essentially you are frustrated by the fact that the australian government is good.". < This was so off yet somehow right at the same time it pisses me off how I can't word out a response to deny that cursed statement. Back then I'd simply ignored this line, but now if I think about it, if I was truly frustrated, then the only possible reason that I could come up with is that, "despite the economy being so good, why is the education so easy"?
Actually... the education isn't that easy. However!! if I still managed to get As, then I believe it is definitely too easy. I don't believe that I'm that smart, so the only reason there is would be that the Australian Curriculum is too easy!! That's right, what I really am worth are just friggin' Fs! It's impossible for me to excel at anything!! Why is it that I don't even study and still get As on almost everything!?? I don't feel like I know anything at all, no, I actually know nothing at all, yet WHYYYY!??? Why do I still get As!?? It makes no sense!! I don't even know what year 9/11 was in, and I only knew about 9/11 a few years ago!! Even now I'm still not sure what it is exactly!!! I'm so stupid it makes me want to strangle myself, yet WHYYYY!?? Why do I see As, As, As, on my Report Card!???????????????????
I feel so conflicted and possibly guilty to know that somehow I managed to get As when I never really tried!!! So if that is the case, it certainly is too easy!! Unless I get Fs, or am in danger of getting Fs, it's too easy!!!
...
*Goes off and enters sleep*
*Comes back, continues writing*
Hm. I went a little psycho up there,
yesterday. :/ Oh well, I guess it’s good to go crazy now and then so then I won’t
burst when I’m not supposed to…
Well, today was colder than usual.
Apparently it’s under 10 degrees Celsius. I’m not sure whether that’s extremely
cold or not, but it isn’t that bad… err, probably.
I did something I regret once again, but
I praise myself for my indifference.
Me: "…it’s cold." After thinking about
it for 5 minutes, I finally decided to voice out my thoughts.
Friend: "Yeah. …I’m not the one wearing
the cardigan."
I was wearing the cardigan, certainly.
After hearing that line, in my mind I just went... off. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m
sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorryyy, I’m
soryyyy, I’m sorryyyyy, I’m sorrrryyyyyy, I’M SORRYYYYYYY!!!! It’s my fault, my
fault, my fault, my fault, MYY FAULLTTTT!! I won’t complain about the weather again,
I won’t complain, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, won’t, won’t,
won’t, WON’T!!!!!!!! I will not, will not, will not, WILL NOT!!! Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, FORGIVE MEE!!!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry; I won't say anything to you ever again!!! I won't say anything!! I'M SORRRYYY!!!!!!
I was screeching and screaming like crazy in my head, but outwardly the only thing I could do was... nothing. Yesterday I could only screaming in my head too, but that's alright because I brought it to the outside world anyway, even if on screen.
I'm glad outwardly I was totally neutral - at least I think - and hope - so. I hope I'll be able to continue in this manner, because what's inside can dissolve into nothing, but something that is already said can't be taken back.
...saying that makes me want to not post this. ==
But if you guys are reading this then it means that I did post it... obviously.
Then again! I'm sure my certain friend will be laughing her heads off, because even I'm finding this extremely ridiculous, and somewhat hilarious. ^O^
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