Objection, Rejection.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, just didn't get to publish it. But the thought of this post was pissing me off because of a certain event that happened in real life...
So, someone complimented me.
I responded uncertainly, "okay..."
And the person said, "Say thank you! blah blah blah,"
"Huh?" I actually didn't even register that it was a compliment then! I mean, I knew what he/she said... I just somehow didn't manage to make the connection that "what he/she said" = compliment. I deduced that it must've been because my brain hates compliments so much that it subconsciously rejected it, so my mind didn't register it being a compliment!! XD

Now, onto that actual post I wrote a few weeks ago. I don't want to delete it, so I'm going to "get rid" of it by publishing it. :D

Every time I hear a praise or compliment (someone saying something praising towards me), I go nuts.
Someone says I'm smart?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm pretty?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm good at writing?
Objection. (Has happened before)

My brain would immediately and on automatic start finding evidence to deny the [not true] statement.

You know, when I get complimented, it would be best to just say "thank you" despite not feeling thankful at all rather than denying it, right? Or not?
I should just totally lie right? I should just pretend to be happy right? I should just pretend to be glad right?

I hate this sort of contradiction. ...I hate all sorts of contradiction.
Yet it's prettyyy common in my daily life. [As Earl Lloyd once (or was it twice?) said to Kururugi Suzaku; "This contradiction will kill you one day". Anyone who don't know what I'm talking about must go watch Code Geass. And now.]
Lying is best...
But I dislike lying...
Oh. I just realised. I should do what is best and ignore my own emotions. -__- How could I forget that.

So let's just go and say "thank you".

Well that was easy.

Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

A True Story. Contradiction, Much?

I have a tale I wish to tell. It is a real story.

I myself found it hilarious, but that’s me only so maybe it isn't funny to others but more on the… disturbing side.

This happened on Monday, my day-off from work. Unfortunately a co-worker and friend of mine decided to take this to their advantage and pleaded me to help her with her assignment. Although barely important, I’d like you to note that she is a Year 12 student...

On Monday after school she came over – it was pure coincidence that she got there at the same time that I did. We entered my house and with the manners required of the house owner, I asked, "Are you hungry? Do you want to eat anything?"

She shook her head, "Nah, I’m really full. I just ate heaps of stuff."

"Okay," I responded with no continued insistency. This was the girl who complained almost every day about her weight and waistline. This was the girl who keeps telling me that she was on a diet. This was the girl who is planning on spending over $1000 AUSD on her clothes to her Formal Graduation Party. This was the girl that goes shopping at least once a week for new clothes.

I sat down next to her and began eating my dinner – I usually only have two meals per day, one before school and one after school, mainly because eating at school is inconvenient – a big pain.

As I read through what her assignment was about, I watched her eat the snacks that were on the table from the corner of my eyes, but didn’t comment on it. But then when I put down my plate, she stole a bite from my food so I finally decided to comment on it, "…I thought you said you were full."

"You were eating in front of me, so of course I’d start feeling hungry!" she responded defensively.

"…yeahh…"

"Go get more rice!" she ordered enthusiastically. I got up and grabbed the rice from the kitchen and gave her almost all of it. Including my part, it was more than enough to feed two people… it may not seem like much, but you must not forget that she was just "full" a few minutes ago.

She thought that what I gave her was too much, so she returned a small amount to my plate then began energetically eating her own share.

After she finished, and as I was writing out her assignment, she began complaining, "Ah. I ate too much. My stomach hurts. I need to take a poo." < this might be weird in English, but in Thai, it's actually pretty normal to say this, as long as you know the other person well...

"Then go do it."

"You know me; I’ll take forever. I won’t go now."

"Okay then,” I replied distractedly, 80% of my mind still on the assignment.

A few seconds later she started again, "My stomach hurts. I need to poo."

"Okay..." She complained "Ah! I can’t stand it anymore; I’m going to go take a poo."

"Have fun."

She returned around 15 minutes later from the toilet and sat back down.

Around 10 minutes after that she asked me, "Hey, don’t you have any food I can eat!?"

"…" I decided to remind her, "Didn’t you say you were full?"

"…" I myself thought that she probably took in all out in the toilet. ==

Then, feeling bored most probably, she went and used my treadmill (hoh, I have a treadmill in the living room! XD …I don’t even use it…), then moved on to the other exercise equipment – I don’t know what it’s called… Cardio Twister, was it? Anyway, she spent around 15 more minutes on that, then turned ecstatic when she saw the weight-measure thing (…I can’t remember what it’s called in English, sorry). She ran to it and weighed herself, then exclaimed cheerily, "Hey, I just went down a whole kilogram!"

Me: "Good for you."

She ran back to the Cardio Twister and continued on her expedition.

After 3 more minutes, she sat back down next to me. After 1 minute spent sitting down, she asked, "Hey, don’t you have any food that I can eat?"

"…" ...I kindly left her to her own devices...

Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

First Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm.

Something that I'd like to point out first is, that, the other day at work, my friend walked in and saw me. Like usual, I'd already saw her since at least 20 minutes ago; I just didn't greet her.
She: "Ah!" She tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around, she waved excitedly to me. I usually get annoyed at this because it was wasting my precious time. I was annoyed again, but just meh-ed it off. I looked at her for a short while. I couldn't force myself to act cheerful, so I just simply turned back after looking at her for a few short seconds.
She: "You look so tired today!"
Me: "..." I was actually feeling really refreshed then. All energised and half-jumping. I wasn't as moody as usual. Which then the comment gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.

And this morning!;
She: "Mage-chaaaan!"
Me: "Helloo!" I was in a rather good mood. Maybe because I was at school.
She: "You look really refreshed today!" Once again it gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.
Me: "..." I was actually feeling quite tired, dazed, and I could feel a headache rolling. However I thought that since I haven't been cheerful for such a long time, I should at least attempt now that I was back at school, a place that I am surrounded by many people.

End of that tale-series.

I started the day of with ITP, or ICT, it makes no difference either way. It was rather uneventful, since Adobe Illustrator CS4 is acting up, and the IT peoples need to act on getting it fixed until we could get serious. ^O^
After Morning Tea I had Physics, and it was one heck of a big class. The room looked extremely small with all that people in it. The teacher, which I'd heard from several sources, that he is "very good", began writing on the board the topics that we'll cover in Physics in this certain semester.
He went on to say that we'll start with Rocketry. We get to make rockets. It could go up to 250 metres. Then he gave us three Equations of Motion then said, "It is your homework to memorise all this by next lesson".
Me: "..." This... this... this is so great!!! It bring tears of joy to my eyes when I hear that we actually get homework!! (even if it is not so much) However that is alright, because it is the first lesson.
After the very much fulfilling Physics lesson, I had a boredom-filled Work Ed class. But I actually tried, because the task this lesson was somewhat interesting.
We were given a scenario: we were on a balloon, and then that balloon fell into a deserted island. Write what you would do it those scenarios: build a shelter, find food, one member has a broken leg, a gun is found, wild goats are also found, etc. I felt that I should exercise my brain through this, and when on to write a paragraph on each, because there were many possibilities.
After that, it was Lunch break, then I had Maths C last.
The teacher that I was supposed to be getting was away this week, so I got a substitute teacher whose English is rather heavily-accented. It annoys me to have to concentrate more than usual to understand what she was saying, but over all the lesson was good. The work was easy, although I suspect that it will get irritatingly tedious and repetitive in the future. FYI, we're learning Matrices. :3

The only thing I am excessively worried about now is Japanese and Music. Music seems like so much work and Music theory and I have never been good friends. It mushes up my brain a lot, and even then I until only understand it half-heartedly.
Japanese, I just am - I spent the holidays trying to cram Unit 3 (directions) into my head, with failure. DX
And also, because the Physics class is so big, my teacher said that we were going to look at our grades so that he can get rid of a few people. Hearing this made me twitch in fear. Last semester for Science I got a B in Achievement and Effort, something that I didn't mind so much, and still doesn't, but then that means I have a chance of getting kicked out... maybe. It depends mostly on my fellow classmates' grades. ==
But for now I'll just pretend sensei never said such things - because worrying about it won't do much, and I refuse to believe that it "will be fine".

Something That Runs Continuously On the Underside of My Brain.

I have lots of conversations with myself.

There's a pattern in this conversation.
Something comes and triggers my thoughts upon the subject.
I ponder upon this matter, somehow managing to make it into the biggest issue of life.
I begin to feel the biggest amount of self-hate, self-pity, etc.
I reasoned with myself that it may not be the case, and that there is a possibility that it is just me making an issue out of things. However that would be thrown away from the argument after a few minutes.
I compare myself to others - I can always find faults in myself in the topic, whichever topic it may be.
I find excuses to keep myself away from the pits of self-brought despair, telling myself positive, encouraging things.
Then I realise that I am making petty excuses and jumps back to the comparison part, and continue to make myself more hateful in my own eyes.
Comes more excuses, and possibilities which I might have missed. For example, if I was worrying about my stupidity, my friend's quotes would pop into my head "you're so smart!". But then I'd go back to comparing myself against something that is much better than me, resulting in me being stupid once again. I will do the above more than a few times, over and over again, so much that it became unbearably indecisive that I just go "eff it!" and...
I conclude my own argument with a definite (negative, usually) conclusion.

This post and this post... (you know, every time I read those two posts over, I end up crying. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I cry over what I write? Pffft. Hilarious, hilarious.)
I'm so stubborn, and once again my self-hate increases.
I think that the reason that "I am stupid, and that can be blame upon the Australia curriculum, however I am also stupid, lazy, weak-willed and indiscipline, so that certainly helped my stupidity increase... oh no, wait! I can't blame the Australia curriculum - I have to blame myself for not trying!! That's right!! YES, it's all my fault!!!" won its respective argument/s was also partly because the "be modest" belief is engraved into my very brains as a manner that I should certainly contribute to. ...every time I say something good about myself, I'd always regret it, my own words echoing in my brains, feeling like I'd just insulted someone quite severely. This modesty issue would always pop up into my head. It's like... stamped onto my very soul... =.="
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I trust my mum and her every words too seriously. Or maybe it really was because I ran into better people and just literally lost hope in my own abilities - although of course I can't stop them from being great... not that I wanted to. ...please leave me in my own failings. ^^ I wish to drag no other into my petty, ridiculous little problems. (you can't even call this a problem. Ridiculous)
Another reason I say that I'm stupid is also because... if I say that I'm stupid, I feel that I am allowed to make mistakes. If I label myself as intelligent or anything of the kind, it restricts me and troubles me so much; I feel that I cannot let myself or others down and I will spent the longest time worrying over the smallest mistakes, because of this "intelligence"...
I... also take in what people say to me. I have been told by 2 - no, 3 people now that I should just skip ahead and... study, or whatever. It makes me... it makes me want to break down crying. No, seriously. It does. Somehow. At the moment I am trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's because I desperately wanted to do just that, yet somehow I am not? And I feel like I was in the middle of trying something impossible, and someone comes along to tell me to do something that I've been trying to, yet failing to, upsets me? It makes the reasons that I hate myself ever so evident? It remind me that what I have been doing in the past times is a total waste of time; pointless, useless, worthless? It blows heavily against the fact that this is all so pointless, it was a hard blow to get me going from a spot that I'm stuck in?

One thing that I am aware of all the time is that my own conclusions may not be always right. Because I'm also sure that I can't be "right"... which strangely contradicts yet also supports my thoughts at the same time.
There are so many ways and exits to one problem, but I kept in mind that people have limits.
I know that I may be underestimating my own limits, yet at the same time I believe that I am what I am, not that I'm underestimating myself...
That is to say, I'd always have a contradiction to myself running continuously on the underside of my brain... at all times.
This is what I call my "logical" side, the side that explores all the possibilities and outcomes by comparing my thoughts with not only greater things but the speeches of peers and other evidence - which is another reason why I hate myself. My other side always win. But even so, I still could not tell whether my other side is right or not.
I hate, hate, HATE this feeling of contradictory - it's included in the "patterns" of my conversations with myself above. I hate it so much mostly because I face it almost everyday, not knowing which answer is right.
Then this "modesty - I'm a failure" issue kicks in, and the side that wins is the negative one... as you all know.
Although of course, the "logical" side continues to run on the underside...
Which means I have had the same argument in my own head with my own self over and over and over and over and over again!!

It mushes my brain. But ranting on my blog then gets rid of the mushiness somewhat. ^O^

That is all for now, 
Adios~!

From,
Mage-chan~

My Posts and its Received Reactions (+ Some Psychotic Ranting)

One of my friends says that every time she reads my blog, she couldn't help but laugh - apparently that also includes posts like those ones and those ones. :) Well, I didn't ask for the specifics, but she said "every time", so... I'd guess that it also includes them! ^^

That thought eases me yet annoys me at the same time.
I like how my writing make people laugh, and I'd hate it if I ended up brainwashing someone else into negativity - although I doubt that from the bottom of my heart.
After knowing that though, I don't really write posts full of depression any more. Actually, that wasn't the only reason that's been preventing me from writing posts full of depression. What "Anon" and my other friend said also affected this.
I now feel obligated to not directly say that I want to die again - even if I wish for it in every second that I'm awake. My repetitiveness... I don't know, I don't like it when I say that I want to die and people laugh at it. :/ Hm.
And I don't like how my friend was joking about death. I don't like it, but then again, who cares whether I like it or not.

...Gaarggghh. Saying that reminded me of a conversation I once had with my friend in the past - one that had me annoyed considerately, but since it was through Skype chat, I managed to not show it too much.
We were arguing over how Australia education is too easy.
It was another pointless argument that made no sense. I wanted to just stop it but I didn't want to back out either. The two lines that annoyed me the most are still vivid in my memory...
"You don't have to like it." < this annoyed me since the line I'd said before then was "It being too easy in my eyes doesn't necessary means that it's terrible. But I still hate it." I wanted to yell out loud; "EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why, why, why, WHYYYYYY!??? You said that Australia education "...is like that so everyone has a chance to 'succeed' It is also for those people who are not very smart and who have disabilities"! It makes me want to yell to them to not drag me down with everybody else! Because I'm so un-discipline, I need things like deadlines and exam dates to put me to work, but if what I am forced to do is not hard enough, I can't be any better! It makes me want to stab myself a thousand times over and over again so there'd be something that was forcing me into studying harder!!! It makes me want to bang my head against the wall a thousand times over and over again so that I'd just somehow study ahead!!! It makes me want to become better than this so much, but studying alone is surprisingly difficult - I can't even test myself on an exam!!! It makes me want to die over and over again because I'm so lacking!!!!!
...
"So, essentially you are frustrated by the fact that the australian government is good.". < This was so off yet somehow right at the same time it pisses me off how I can't word out a response to deny that cursed statement. Back then I'd simply ignored this line, but now if I think about it, if I was truly frustrated, then the only possible reason that I could come up with is that, "despite the economy being so good, why is the education so easy"?
Actually... the education isn't that easy. However!! if I still managed to get As, then I believe it is definitely too easy. I don't believe that I'm that smart, so the only reason there is would be that the Australian Curriculum is too easy!! That's right, what I really am worth are just friggin' Fs! It's impossible for me to excel at anything!! Why is it that I don't even study and still get As on almost everything!?? I don't feel like I know anything at all, no, I actually know nothing at all, yet WHYYYY!??? Why do I still get As!?? It makes no sense!! I don't even know what year 9/11 was in, and I only knew about 9/11 a few years ago!! Even now I'm still not sure what it is exactly!!! I'm so stupid it makes me want to strangle myself, yet WHYYYY!?? Why do I see As, As, As, on my Report Card!???????????????????
I feel so conflicted and possibly guilty to know that somehow I managed to get As when I never really tried!!! So if that is the case, it certainly is too easy!! Unless I get Fs, or am in danger of getting Fs, it's too easy!!!

...

*Goes off and enters sleep*

*Comes back, continues writing*

Hm. I went a little psycho up there, yesterday. :/ Oh well, I guess it’s good to go crazy now and then so then I won’t burst when I’m not supposed to…

Well, today was colder than usual. Apparently it’s under 10 degrees Celsius. I’m not sure whether that’s extremely cold or not, but it isn’t that bad… err, probably.

I did something I regret once again, but I praise myself for my indifference.

Me: "…it’s cold." After thinking about it for 5 minutes, I finally decided to voice out my thoughts.

Friend: "Yeah. …I’m not the one wearing the cardigan."

I was wearing the cardigan, certainly. After hearing that line, in my mind I just went... off. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorryyy, I’m soryyyy, I’m sorryyyyy, I’m sorrrryyyyyy, I’M SORRYYYYYYY!!!! It’s my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, MYY FAULLTTTT!! I won’t complain about the weather again, I won’t complain, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, won’t, won’t, won’t, WON’T!!!!!!!! I will not, will not, will not, WILL NOT!!! Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, FORGIVE MEE!!!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry; I won't say anything to you ever again!!! I won't say anything!! I'M SORRRYYY!!!!!!

I was screeching and screaming like crazy in my head, but outwardly the only thing I could do was... nothing.   Yesterday I could only screaming in my head too, but that's alright because I brought it to the outside world anyway, even if on screen. 

I'm glad outwardly I was totally neutral - at least I think - and hope - so. I hope I'll be able to continue in this manner, because what's inside can dissolve into nothing, but something that is already said can't be taken back.

...saying that makes me want to not post this. ==

But if you guys are reading this then it means that I did post it... obviously.

Then again! I'm sure my certain friend will be laughing her heads off, because even I'm finding this extremely ridiculous, and somewhat hilarious. ^O^

Re: My Own Post :P + Other Random Crap

When I'd planned my Holiday Schedule - Winter 2012, I forgot to consider the fact that I should check my email everyday.

I haven't been online for almost 3 days because of my new schedule, and I come online to find 5 blog posts waiting to be read and 30 emails waiting to be... deleted. They were all notifications from Facebook and MangaFox Forums. :P

And it's only been less than 3 days and I'm already wanting to break off from my schedule... something that I was totally expecting. I've made so many of those schedules over and over again, but every time I only end up following it for a few days then just slacking off afterwards.
I hope I'll be able to follow it at least for a week this time... aahh, how I hate myself. ^^

There have also been some changes to my schedule - no Tuesday-off for me no longer. :) It's everyday now~
I don't particularly feel too sad or happy over this...

I've been fractious like always lately, too.
Ah... living is such a bother, and smiling is even more of a bother. I don't know why I'm working in a job that requires Customer Service when I don't like to smile. :/ Well, unless I was in a good mood, but I'm rarely in a good mood.

I'm still irritated over little, pointless things like the First Day of the Week. I've secretly been holding an irritation over this ever since it was brought up around 4 months ago. It's been brought up again and now I'm still irritated over it. ^^

Aah... I'm just going to not care, though. It's better this way... I wish wouldn't care about anything... Haaahh... Living tires out every fibre in my body. ==

Mini-Post: "21 Days Positive Challenge"... And Me Laughing.

Note: Most probably, only people in-the-know will understand this post.

Both the people trying to do this challenge, if it can even be called a challenge, has failed. ^^
Those things are supposed to be done consistently, otherwise they don't work and doesn't serve its purpose. And I haven't seen a post about this for a while already... and it certainly hasn't been 21 days yet! ^O^

Lalalalalala~

The Different Ways to Die

Ya-hoh!

This post. Read it first before reading the rest of this post, if you're going to read it at all.

I would like to point out that with No. 3... are you actually even dead? O.o I mean, you jump off the cursed cliff, but... you were saved. How is that dying!??

Talking about different ways to die... I refer to you this post of mine. :D
I was certainly not in the greatest mood when I was writing that. x) But then again, when I read it over it amused me somewhat. :)

But well you know, talking about this and thinking back on that conversation mentioned in Ruby Mae's post, I think that I should stop relaying my death wishes so openly, because my friends aren't taking it seriously enough - death is too serious to be joked about... =.= I feel bad to people who are dying - and doesn't want to die, or ones that have already died otherwise... It's rather disrespectful and insensitive, no?
Not that I would stop wishing that inside, of course. :D Noooo wayyyyy.

My friend really wants me to comment on that post or to blog about it myself, so here this is.
Actually, the first thing I want to comment on after reading that post is the title. It keeps bothering me. Because songs that features something/someone else doesn't only come from America. =*=
Second, we don't talk about death and dying that much.
Third, I have another post about that ludicrous Romeo and Juliet coming up soon, most hopefully.
Fourth, I don't mind shooting myself, but setting that up would be a big pain in the butt.
Fifth, I don't effing want grandchildren or great grandchildren or whatever the hell.
Sixth, I have no intentions of jumping off a cliff, mostly because it looks painful.
And... that's actually all I want to say. :)

Inner Perceptions, "Metacognition"

Another weird, sudden but subtle boom that will most likely only stay on for so long and only on the internet, because that's how these type of things works.

This post, and this post.

The first post was so... touching it almost made me cry. :) Yess, almost. :)

The second post relates back to something that I have thought about for so long and so many times that it got so annoying, I don't think about it any more.

I think of myself as a logical, negative-pessimistic, selfish, anti-social [at times], self-centred, insecure, unreasonable, overly-serious [at times, about life], cowardly, considerate, dissent (what's the adjective form??)  person. You can also refer to the 8th section of this post, but you don't need to.
...However a human's personality is far too complicated to be able to be described properly in nothing more than a few words.
I have said so many times that I am a failure, and I do still believe that. However my logical nature is also telling me that I am possibly just being exaggerative, something very possible indeed, according to the actions of the people around me. But then again, if I look at things from a different point of view - if I compare myself to my fellow citizens, former classmates, or other kids in school in Thailand, I am certainly a failure.
And I never seem to be able to not remind myself of such.
I'm trying to look for the future but just can't see any of it. I'm trying to let go of pasts that are only regretful, but always ends up only remembering them and nothing else.
That's why I'm such a negative person.

I used to not care about optimism or pessimism, but there was just that, you know... period where something triggered my ultra negativity to come out from hiding.

Before I entered high school, I was a proud, arrogant, confident, judgemental, spoiled kid who was pretty mean, I think... =="
Entering a new environment just made me a little weary and wary, as I don't like big changes - more so when I don't know what I'm expecting. Everything that happened just begins to pile, and I steadily loses my confidence... and everything good about me that I used to believe in disappeared behind the shadows of geniuses and reality.
Which is why I call myself weak.

The very reason I hate wearing dresses so much ties very closely to me being an insecure person. ... Do throw dissent and stubbornness into that, too. :)

Me wanting to die all the time simply because I couldn't stand what was happening around me, what I might have to face in the future, what I will possibly have to go thorough, is pretty cowardly, isn't it?
Escape through death, even though there are people who are off worse than me are still trying... or whatever reason I don't really know, since I see no point to living. But since it is like that, my logical part is telling me that, for normal people, there is a reason.

My dissent is probably partly what is stopping me from even trying to be optimistic, if we don't count the fact that optimism is logically stupid in my opinions ^^. It's stopping me from doing a lot of things, and it's making me a rude, mean, extremely unreasonable person... =.="

Most of the time, I rarely hesitate giving money away to people, I can't stand people needing to wait for me, I like to let all the cars go first and wait until there's no cars on the road until crossing the street, I don't like to interrupt people's conversations or breaks even if it was something important that I had to tell them, I hate bothering people for favours, I always have an urge to carry things for people even if I was dying from heaviness. Would that be consider considerate?

And logical is the only word I could use. But maybe it's more like common sense.
Without it, I'm sure I'd be 100% certain that I'm a complete and total failure, I will very certainly live a terrible life, I will give pain to everyone around me every time I say something, I shouldn't give my opinions because it only brings bad, I'm really insignificant to the point that no one would shred a single tear if I die, etc.

Oh, yes, I'm also very, very lazy!! :D

I'm also a... perfectionist who doesn't try hard enough...?
NO! Well, I believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to do anything that's good enough. "Anything made by me isn't good enough." As long as it's made by me, it won't ever be good enough.
Nothing is good enough in my eyes as long as it's made by me.
With that said, I don't ever truly believe that I'll ever get an A in anything. Even if I do get an A, I blame it on the school's slackness - what I really made wasn't an A, because it can never be....
...something like that, I guess? ^^


Hmm... maybe I went a little off-track there. :)
But oh well!

My two fellow bloggers, Grace L [smile] and David C should do this, too! \(^O^)b 
...unless it makes you feel depressed; then please don't... 

Piled. Many Unreasonable Fractiousness Ahead.

There are a couple of things that I want to complain about, yet I'm too lazy to actually write them out: my assignments and Crystal Saga are calling meee!!;

The following is a bunch of mini-posts all bashed into one, for anyone's convenience!! \(^_^)b

Contents:

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail
7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop
8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.
9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
I met one of the friends who went to the party approximately a day later, and I asked her how it was.
I was totally cool with it when she relayed to me how fun it was, but I was totally not cool with it when she said that "I should have totally come".
It pissed me off, because even now I still doubt that I should have gone. ==
But, well, that's already passed the "discuss" date. :)


2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
Not necessary true, but I want to sue it for making me procrastinate my Science assignment.
It is also a danger to my eyesight, something which I treasure more than my life - being blinded would be my ultimate nightmare.
It's really important to me because the few things I love doing requires eyesight - yet because of that, I tend to overexert them by using them too much in not desirable situations (reading when there's not enough light, for example) for far too long... T^T
Besides, if I was blind, I wouldn't be able to commit suicide painlessly, right?
...The ultimate nightmare, indeed.


3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
As I have state before, I hate dresses. I hate wearing them, to be more specific. But I wore a dress today, and I was crying inside all day because of it. I wanted to die all over again [ugh, such a big deal I'm making this =="]
I arrived at work, and immediately one of my friends who was a waitress did the thing I was totally expecting and slightly dreading, "Ah! You're wearing a skirt - a dress - a whatever you're wearing. It's so pretty/cute!"
Me: "It's a dress."
Her: "...You're such a hypocrite, Mage-chan!"
Me: "No I'm not!" I immediately replied, immediately angered.
She gave me this, "are you serious" serious look, which pissed me off considerately. ==
Me: I corrected myself, "I mean, I am a hypocrite, but not in this case/instance! How am I a hypocrite? I said that I hate wearing dresses! Just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I want to wear it!"
I was fuming lividly inside, but I tried to explain with calmness... I wonder how badly I'd failed.
Yes, that's right!! I'm not a hypocrite in that certain case.
I have always said that I hate dresses - but to be more specific, I hate, hate, hate, hate WEARING them. The look of them are fine. Just not when I'm wearing them. == So how am I being a hypocrite by wearing a dress? I was hating it to the bone! All through the day, at least 1/4 of my mind was occupied because I was bothered by the fact that I was wearing that cursed dress!! =*=

Earlier that morning, I came out of the shower. Usually if it's a weekend and I'm going somewhere, my mum organises my clothes for me while I'm in the bathroom (because I really have no idea where my clothes are located, and there are other reasons. Let's just say that's how it works.). That day it was no different.
I walked into the bedroom and I immediately screamed out loud as soon as I saw the cursed thing.
I was still screaming 10 seconds afterwards. At first my mum laughed at this, but soon she got annoyed and said, "Stop it! You won't die wearing this. It's not bad in the slightest (as in, the look)."
Me, in my thoughts: It may not be bad in your eyes or other people's, but I don't want to wear it, okayyyyy!!!!?
But I wore it anyway, after screaming my head off for almost 20 seconds (that's actually a really long time...)... T^T The work clothes that I... ugh... had been wearing for a week was being washed, so I really had no choice... DX And we were already running late, too. *Dammit, thinking about this makes me... want to die.*

I said to my friend once upon a time that the reason that I hate wearing dresses is because they're uncomfortable (that's one of the reasons, actually...).
She: "They don't need to be/Not necessary/Not always."
I doubt that from the bottom of my heart. It's like how some people aren't comfortable wearing skirts. They aren't comfortable wearing skirts, so they aren't. The shape or the look of it won't suddenly make it comfortable. Because it is still a skirt, goddammit!!!! ...I'm getting really mad just thinking about this. =="

But, oh, well, meh...


4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
Finally, after 5-6 years of knowing of this certain series, I got down to reading it properly, from the start to, hopefully, finish.
Full-Metal Alchemist.
...Totally a classic.
I'm still only halfway through the manga, but ohhhhh myyyy gooddddd!!
It's... It's too good!
Roy is my favourite character! He's just too cool! XD *inserts fangirl squeal here*
Gluttony is also strangely cute, but sort of creepy... O.o
...and it's soooo good!!! ><
[I love seeing evil Salem. Watching a cute little boy killing masses is just too epic.]


5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
I have now come to a resolution; that I hate Sundays.
Firstly, I have to start work one hour earlier than usual, because it's a certain-staff's day off, and I am to replace her. Secondly, sometimes I have to work at lunchtime, too, which means work all day. ==
The other reasons are stemmed from the same base. I always get uber annoyed when I come to work to find tables half-set. Some tables are missing a few forks here and there, some need wine glasses, some are missing a few plates... it probably wouldn't have annoyed me that much if it was missing in an orderly fashion, not totally randomly. Except that it's not.
However I should totally be used to this - I'd mentioned this only once before, so many wouldn't know, but my boss annoys the hell out of me - but only during work. She's a nice person - my aunty.
But her inability to properly run a restaurant and other such issues make me want to kill.
Out of all our staffs, she comes second in the "Who Makes the Most Mistakes" rankings. =*=
She always tell the customers the wait for takeaway for far too short, and sometimes the customers has to wait half an hour longer than they were told, take table reservations, but not writing them down, and putting walk-ins/new reservations on tables when we're freakin' full!
...
...Let's not talk about it. It's not killing me, but it's making me wanting to kill. ==

6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail

Never before in my life have I failed this badly on a Maths exam.

I couldn't answer a whole question! TOT

...

I apologise to the ones out there who are not experts in this certain subject. 

But that is really what my mind is saying. That one question was worth 5 (out of 16) points, so it was quite vital... and I couldn't answer it, for god's sake!!

There's also Science and Orchestra stuff, but I can't be stuffed mentioning 'em.

7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop

Yeah, it's just irritation and blur. Blur and irritation.

Non-stop.

Like usual.

Like I said, those are mini-posts. :D

8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.

I've changed my mind - quite a while ago, actually.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm just a... somewhat negative, pessimistic, logical, pathetic, weak, cowardly, unreasonable, selfish, self-centred, annoying person... who simply wants to die all the time. :D

Lately, my reaction to almost anything - well, my reaction to everything that's the least bit negative is "I want to die", "someone come kill me now", etc.

Even something totally TINY like my friend asking me a question that I think has an obvious answer made me want to kill myself. =="

Dude, you've certainly gone mental. ...My mind was telling me. Since I don't think normal people have that kind of reaction to things? O.o Yeah, abnormal...

Oh god, it would be terrible if I seriously start to lose my sense of "normality"...

In Japanese.

Okay, so I needed to look at this certain document. I was using my friend's computer (who was sitting next to me). I was trying to find it on the school's website when she spoke up, "Oh, I have it."

Me: "Okay."

She goes on to find it in her documents. I turned back to grab my USB out of the tower case. She goes on to open the document.

Me: "You don't have to open it," I said simply, plugging the USB into her tower.

Her: "Eh? But I thought-something-something-something."

I gave her only 3 seconds before pulling my USB back out. Then I went on to thrashing the table physically for approximately 5 seconds, sending my pencil and USB jumping. After that short 5 seconds, I turned back,  re-injected my USB into my tower; about to go back to concentrating on the lesson.

When she said, "You don't have to get so angry." She then put my USB back into her tower.

Me: "..." That sentence she just said angered me more than anything she'd done in the entire day, let alone those few seconds. =="

Me: "...I'm not angry." Well, I wasn't until you said that just now. Now I am pissed. I felt that that sentence needed more elaboration so I continued, "...Angry is not the right word here." < I mean as when I thrashed the table. It was more like "frustration", but I didn't want to say that word (just didn't want to, no obvious reason), so the conversation ended there. :P 

And I wasn't even frustrated with her in particular, I wanted to kill myself more. == Oh wait, I want to kill myself even if it was somebody else's fault. =.=" So we can't use that as a measure...

But still, I was frustrated with myself. It feels like I've lost the ability to communicate with people. =="

Oh nos. 

9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

I had Italian this morning, and it was... pretty much free time, like usual.

My teacher: "Stop playing games on the computer, B." B is one of my male friends, btw. He's really... I don't know. Hard to explain. Immature, but smart? Crazy, energetic, but sort of sensible? Random, hyper, but sometimes dopey? =.=" My teacher's personality is also hard to explain, but he's definitely... slack.

B: "..."

Me: "He can't stop playing, sir. It's just not possible."

Him: "Heyyy, you seem to have some dissent underneath all that composure and calmness."

Me: "........wha?" 

Him: *repeats his earlier sentence*

Me: ".....huh?" Paused. "...what does dissent mean?" I really don't know. :S (that was why I paused and went "wha?")

Him: *explains* "You know, you have to disagree. I say yes, you say no."

Me: "..." *thinking, reminiscing, assessing my own personality*

Him: "..." Looks at me, nodding. 

I glanced up at him, half-rolling my eyes. "..." *still thinking, reminiscing and assessing my own personality*

I looked back up at him again, OH MY GOD!!!

What a perfect word to describe me! >< That's right, perfect! I've suddenly felt like I just... acquired enlightenment! XD

I Was Given an Invitation to Hell Earlier Today. Lit: I Was Invited to a Party.

They were planning on wasting money on a limousine to escort them to where ever the hell they’re going. Lit: They’re going to hire a limousine!

The party was to farewell this International Student from Germany that I myself barely knew, who sits with us, and so I don’t effin’ know why they want me to go that freakin’ much. Lit: I didn’t know the girl that well, so maybe I thought it wouldn’t be too good for me to accept, either.

Besides, they’re going to be dressing-up, and the thought of that alone could make me scream in agony. Lit: Since I’ll most probably wear casual clothes, but then I’d stand out… in a bad way.

They were also planning on wasting their time sitting in front of a bunch of moving picture frames. Lit: They were also planning on going to watch a movie.

Now, I’ll stop that, although I quite enjoyed writing the above paragraph. :P

We all were just sitting there one ordinary break. I heard a few squeals next to me and realised that my friends were excited about something. After I listened for a few seconds, I discovered straight away that they were talking about the farewell party for that certain International Student mentioned above.

Then they suddenly turned to me, and inwardly I was sincerely wishing that they wouldn’t even think about inviting me.

E-chan: “Mage-chan, you should come, too!”

Forget the wish. It’s already been proven impossible. == I made a thoughtful face at the group of people.

R-chan: “Yes, you should, you should!”

Me: “…Why should I?” I asked, honestly wanting to hear a reason.

R-chan: “Because! It’ll be fun!!”

I doubt it. And I’m still doubting it right now. How would something like that be fun for someone who hates parties and doesn't like going out!??

E-chan: “I know you probably don’t go out much. But neither do I. Come! It’ll be fun!”

Me: “I don’t go out at all," I corrected her.

E-chan: “Yes, well, you should come!”

Me: "...you'll be going in a limousine?" I said with something that I hoped was a disturbed look.

R-chan: "Yes!" she said... excitedly. "It's on my bucket list! You should add it to your bucket list!"

Me: "..." I don't want to add it to my bucket list! I don't even have a bucket list! Even more important, I have no wish to ride in a freakin' limousine!! "...I don't really want to ride in a limousine. ...And I will not add it to my bucket list."

Etc. etc.

A few hours after that, when I came to rerun the conversation in my mind to blog about it, I began to wonder a little what having fun feels like…

I’m not sure. :/

Hmm… I’m sure I must have had at least done something fun in my life! Sometimes I say that I had fun doing this or doing that, but usually I just use the word without knowing whether it was fun or not, if I’d happened to enjoyed it…

And then my mind floated to the topic of the feeling of happiness. I’m also sure that I’ve felt happy at least once in my life! But I wasn’t sure when that time was… :S

Ehhh well, who cares. It wasn’t like I desperately need to have fun or be happy, anyway. >.>

During that conversation, I seriously felt like crying. …unreasonably, probably. No, actually, it wasn’t “unreasonably”, but more like “exaggeration”. I just don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of being invited to a party.

I wanted to yell into their faces that I don’t freakin’ want to go, but I held back. I pretended to think about the invitation for their sake, even though I’d planned on rejecting it from the start. …But the more they persisted, the more tempted I was in rejecting them harshly and without a second thought; the more tempted I was to thrash around and yell that I just. don’t. want. to. go.!! 

To yell at the top of my lungs that I DON'T LIKE PARTIES, I BARELY KNOW THE GIRL, I DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' RIDE IN A LIMOUSINE, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS OR WEAR CASUAL CLOTHES AND WALK WITH YOU ALL, I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME, I DON'T. WANT. TO. GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Which actually SORT OF happened. After they finished their first round of persistent invitations to me and had turned back to discuss the party, I hit myself with a Math textbook (I threw it onto my forehead at 2/3 of my full force). However I didn’t scream out loud...

A friend of mine who was sitting on my right (the party peoples were sitting to my left) saw me (the party peoples were engrossed in their conversation so they didn’t see me, I think… or maybe they just thought it was normal for me to hit myself with a math textbook xP). The second time I was about to do it again that other friend put his hand in between the textbook and my head, which resulted in the textbook never reaching my head. I paused only shortly.

But then I attempted another round, and this time he relocated the book away from my reach. ==” I used another book instead (“To Kill A Mockingbird”, paperback, to be precise), but that was also taken away… in the end I had nothing, and so I used my own fist instead.

He had to half-yell, “Don’t!” to me… [I’m sorry for bothering you, E-kun. T^T]

Which was when I’d stopped, partly because I didn’t want him to bother with anything related to me, and partly because I was too tired to use any more than 1/3 of my strength, and if I have to only use that much, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway…

After that, I turned back to listen to the conversation airily, and they tried to convince me to go, yet again… But I had ran out of energy, and the textbook was too far away for me to use. ><

Even now I still haven’t given them a clear answer, but since they read my blog……… ><

Go On 'Bout it.... But I Ain't Listenin' :P ...And Apparently, the Way I Live is Strange.

...this ain't anything too interesting.

But this conversation has been on my mind for quite a while...

One day I innocently commented on how I hate the smell of deodorant.
Deodorant, any strong smells (cooking/food, perfume, etc.), along with dust and smoke (or rather, the smell of food that comes with it), gives me hayfever.
And hayfever can get excessively and intolerably painful, so I don't exactly try to get it - although I technically get it almost every day anyway, since dust is everywhere. [But not really badly]

One of my friends was like, "What about roll-on?"
I thought about it for almost 3 seconds and replied somewhat uncertainly, "...yeah?" *No, the truth is that I don't use any kind of deodorant. My mum buys roll-on types for me and tells me to use it, but I'm just simply too lazy. =="*
Then she asked, "What about sweat and stuff?"
I looked at her rather blankly, "..." ...And then shrugged slowly. And then I said, "I don't use any of those sort of stuff. I don't even use face scrub or such products."
"...Don't/Do you have oily skin?"
"Oily skin?" I honestly wasn't really sure what oily skin was like.
She slid her finger down her face and showed me the tip of it. "You see how there's like something-something-something-blah-blah-blah, etc."
"...yeaaah? ...maybe?" I responded uncertainly.
My friend turned to my other friend, "Oh my god, she's so lucky! She doesn't sweat and her skin isn't oily either!"
Me, "..." Wait! Of course I sweat! I'm still human!! And my skin is most probably oily (I think)... I just don't check those kinds of stuff! I don't touch my own face and look whether it's oily or not! I can't even tell whether it's oily or not!! Last of all, I don't give a crappppppp!!!!
"Oh! I'm so jealous!!" my other friend exclaimed.
"She's so lucky!" my friend repeated.
"...is... that so?" I said slowly, not able to empathise with them in the least bit, which is strange because I can usually understand everyone around me, except just not this once...
So that conversation has been quite a vivid memory, because I realised just how different I live my life, compared to my schoolmates.

I wake up at 7.30am, eat breakfast, get changed, catch the bus to school.
I don't eat anything at school, and once I get home at 3.30pm, I eat dinner. Then I chill or do homework.
At 5 o'clock I head to work.
After work, I sit at the restaurant and chill or do more homework.
I arrive home at around 11pm, I take a shower, chill more. Then I go to bed at around midnight or so.

In one week, unless something unroutine pops up, like being invited over a friend's house, there are only three places I go to; home, school, work.
Which also means that I only wear three types of clothes; pyjamas/random-home-wear, school uniform, work clothes.
Which then results in me rarely ever wearing casual clothes, and I barely go anywhere else. Since there's absolutely no need to, anyway...

Usually I spend around 10 minutes preparing for bed (including shower, teeth, change), but since it's winter I take around three times longer, which annoys me. =*=
As long as I look alright, I don't care about anything else in my appearance. I make make-up from the bottom of my heart, and I am too lazy to use any miscellaneous or beauty products, or whatever. And I don't see any need for it, either. I just feel that it's totally unnecessary...
I barely exercise, ever; I also hate swimming and the beach.
I hate the beach more than swimming, actually. It's sandy, and I hate sand, it's windy, and wind annoys me, and it's sunny, and the sun makes me tan, which is also something I dislike, and it's crowded. ^^
My daily activities can only be computer or book, because those are simply my only hobbies.
I eat rice almost everyday, and I love it. :D

Lastly, I want to say that the word shopping also makes me cringe. The word dress-up makes me wince. The words ""I'm going to put make-up on you!" and "I'm going to dress you up!" makes me run away in utter fear. ><

"Don't Worry!", "There's Nothing to Worry About!", "You Shouldn't Worry About Such Things!", "Everything's Going to Be Okay!", "Everything's Going to Be Fine!", "You'll Be Alright!", "You'll Be Fine!"

...such irritation-inducing advice they are. ...to me in a bad mood, anyway.

There's no logic, no base, no reasoning, no anything.
Just one sentence full of nothing but baseless hope. And hope are uncertain things. Hope and despair are too similar to each other for me to rely on "hope".
Hope and despair are like opposites, but being opposites, they are extremely similar as well.

But, really, I no longer give a crap. Because I don't want to feel anything any more........

BUT IF ONLY that could be the ultimate truth. :/

Is there no way to die painlessly, quickly and neatly without committing suicide? Is there no way to just disappear off the face of the earth like you'd never existed? Is there no way to wipe out every emotion you can feel? Is there no way to just not be born? Is there no way to destroy the whole damn world without killing or hurting anyone or without creating a sin?

...The things I want the most are things that seems to be beyond impossible. =="

Optimists can be optimistic because they have confidence in themselves, more or less. But I don't really have much. You could say I don't even have any, actually. I can't even trust myself to do a basic sum properly; anything ranging from 7 - 5, 6 + 5, 10 + 4, 2 x 6, 10/2 and such. I would come up with an answer, but then I wouldn't be sure whether I'd gotten it right or not, so I would also do it twice, or grab a calculator.
A couple of years ago, I would be confident enough to be sure that I would at least get a C in everything.
But now, even if it's a Maths test, a subject that I have never before in my life gotten anything lower than a B, I wouldn't be sure of my results until I get them back. Even if all of the questions on the exam were ones that I knew, and even if I'd answered them all easily, I still wouldn't be sure that I would get an A, or even a B. You never know what's going to happen, after all.

Presentations and performances are worse. But that's quite obvious.

My Silence Strategy probably resulted partly from this, as well. ...I don't even have confidence in what I say.

Which is also partly why those baseless words annoy me so much. They are optimists - or at least, they aren't pessimists. So they would have confidence up to a certain point. And here they're raining their confidence on me. But there is something to worry about, and there is a chance that everything won't be fine. After all, I ain't any intellectual person, I'm just a stupid girl of a failure.
How do they even know that everything's going to fine? That it's going to be alright? Don't tell me they can see the future! Don't say that they have confidence in me! How can they have confidence in someone like me; I don't even have the least confidence in myself! It makes no sense, and I hate it when people say things like that with such certainty when they don't know for certain that things will be alright!
It's no difference to someone saying to you, "You will fail that next exam."! Just because it's positive, and just because everyone thinks I'm smart, it still doesn't make the fact that I'll pass certain! They don't know how much knowledge I attain, they don't know how smart or stupid I am, so how do they know!!??
They don't! They can't read my mind! They don't know how much of anything I can remember, they don't know how slow I am! Yet they have such confidence in that, while I obviously don't deserve it, because there is a chance that I will fail!

...Real optimists tend to have considerately high confidence... that's for certain. And so when they say those words to me, it pisses me off since their confidence is obviously miss-aimed. =="
[I guess that also goes to say that I don't like to disappoint people (actually, I HATE it). Which is true, I must admit. >///<]

...for some reason, I feel like I have a lot of problems. But oh well! They're nothing anything except me should worry about, anyway. After all, I will repeat myself, I ain't anybody important! ^^

I'm just complaining here, living up to my blog's name! :P

Well then, adios~! XD

From,
Mage-chan~

Triggered, Once Again

I wonder if I really am going mental.
I manage to take anything and everything around said in the most negative way. But then again, the [other] cursed word was said here, so I guess it couldn't have been helped.

Just one sentence from a friend made me so... negative, I felt like dying all over again... But then again, me wanting to die isn't anything new! It's so common, I'm just thinking that it's an everyday occurrence now! :D [Which also makes me wonder why people want to live so much, too :/]
Just one ordinary break time, a friend asked me, "Why do you want to do Economics?"
I paused. What was with that question? We've already talked about this last week, and she then thought that I should totally do it...? "...because... it's interesting?" I replied back uncertainly. As well as something that I may not fail at for certain.
"But if you ifhdghrhgbsdgbyudofbgkgj." She said something here that sounded suspiciously like, "since you don't like Australia, you wouldn't want to do the Economics for Australia, would you?" And then I heard the word "Thailand" in there some where as well (something like "if you study the economics for Australia, then you wouldn't be able to use it in Thailand", I think), but she was speaking in a way that somehow I couldn't make sense of... I heard several different [key] words, but I didn't manage to catch the whole sentence. =="
I shrugged, went silent and looked back into the far distance... those few words just triggered the biggest problematic obstacle in that certain department. I'd already said that I didn't want to work out the economy for Australia in one of the older posts already, but for the time being I decided to ignore that dislike. [Only supports the fact that emotions are a pain and gets in the way of a lot of things]
Plus, if I study things like globalisation in economics, I thought that it'd be more applicable in other countries, rather than any other SOSE subject.
No, actually, thinking that far ahead is probably extremely immodest and foolish of me. I still don't even know whether I'll survive Year 10, Year 11 or even Year 12, and I was already thinking about university, and work after university?
The above thoughts all occurred to me in a matter of seconds before I said this, "...well, I can't just do straight Maths, can I?" Since that happens to be the only subject I'm good at... no, actually, I'm not that good at Maths either. I can't even subtract big numbers properly. [What is wrong with me?] If I think about it properly, there isn't any subject that I'm really good at...
She confirmed the answer to my question, then turned back to whatever she was doing earlier.

After that, I sat there airily, reflecting on how stupid I am to even think about university when I wasn't even sure that I was going to successfully pass high school. It made me want to smash my head against the wall that I was leaning against, but I was worried that if there was people in the other side, I'd disturb them, so I didn't. Punching the ground looks a little too painful, too, so I dropped that idea. I didn't have the energy anyway...

If I can't do economics and I can't do maths, then I just can't see anything else for me to do.
Well, apart from being a total failure.
But that isn't really an option I'd like to take that much. But only if I could, then I would prefer to be a corpse. ^^ I won't even have to think about the future any more! My, how very convenient. :)
The Arts is not my department, either. I have no creativity, and it doesn't suit an impatient person like me.
No, actually, I don't think any subject suits me at all. I mean, maths currently is so easy to me, but I can't even do basic division and basic subtraction and such all that well. I can't do multiple problems at once in my head, and I find myself struggling to understand anything that's too complicated. And I don't really know whether I'm good at numbers or not.
I love writing, it's my hobby. But I suck at it so badly, my grammar still needs improvement, my vocabulary still needs expansion. And once again, I have no creativity. And I can't even write endings. My spelling could also do with some practice.
Japanese and Italian [LOTE in general], I'm struggling in remembering the te form, and other such forms and vocabs that we're learning. I don't feel like I'm improving at all [or even learning anything new], and it makes me want to bang my head against something, once again.
SOSE, my worse subject. Yet economics is in this department, which pains me every time economics jumped into my mind. I don't know any such historical events; history, geography and biology are my worse subjects ever. And a couple more Sciences; I can understand how Physics and Chemistry works, but I just can't remember any of the base knowledge in all five subjects. :/ [Excluding geography; I at least know where Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and USA are!]

The rest of break time insisted mostly of me silently mulling over my stupidity, like the above.
I took a look at my future path once again, and everything just came crashing down; and since just now economics turned into a should-not-go-down path, I don't see any way out.
Aaah... then no surprise I turned to thinking how much I want to die.
I don't see why I have to waste my time living. ...I don't even want time. I seriously want to give my time to someone else, but that's technically impossible. :/

How I wouldn't have liked to do the economics for Australia was already a fact known to me ever since a while ago [as I have stated earlier, I mentioned it in another post], and I had decided to ignore it, but I guess I can't just ignore it after all. I guess something will always remind me, seeing that I do live in Australia.
Like how I can't ignore the fact that I hate life, the fact that emotions exist, the fact that I'm still alive on this freakin' earth.

Everything turned into impossible again, even though I'd been able to keep a somewhat positive outlook for three weeks now, more or less. For a while I managed to convince myself that I'm not a total failure, and that I may be able to achieve at least a passing grade in Year 12 that I may be able to get an A in most subjects, and such...

Now I'm not so sure...

Besides, if I have to go Thailand, then everything is definitely impossible. Fail high school, no university, no anything. The lifestyle here and there are totally different, too.
[Maybe I'll borrow my dad's gun when he's not looking... XP]

Yes, so if any path of mine only consists of failure, then you see how death is preferable to me? ^^

Everything is so obvious. That's why optimists annoys me... wait, no, that doesn't work. Optimists are usually smart, confident people. But I ain't any of that, and that's a reason that I'm a total failure. But they have the ability to succeed in there life!! So they're allowed to be optimistic [not that it annoy me any less :P], because everything's a possibility for them!

While I really am a total failure, so being optimistic for me will only end in pain! ^^

That's all~

From,
Mage-chan~

How to Make This Sound Gentle and Nice; Impossible. Besides, I'm Evil, I'll Tell You That.

I despise optimism. I'm sure you've heard me say that, like, a thousand times already.
Something that I despise more than optimism is stupidity. (and I contain a lot of stupidity, so I hate myself quite the amount, generally speaking)

And by this time, at this moment, I can't count the amount of times I wished I was dead.

...I'm finding it quite hard to get the message I want across right now.

One of my optimistic friend had declared that she "was trying to help me"....

It pissed me off so much I almost smashed my computer.
Well, okay, it didn't piss me off that much. I'd just exaggerated. But it did piss me off considerately.

What was she trying to help me from, exactly?
Pessimism? DA HELLL!! I like my pessimism, and my pride will not allow myself to be helped by someone who believes in optimism that much! And she sounded like she made a blog about optimism to help me... =="
But probably not. ...Hopefully not.
Besides, the only thing that blog does is annoy the hell out of me and trigger my contentious self. XD


And for god's sake, why is she helping me?? She should just... just... do nothing and continue working towards her own life! I'm sure there are other people in the freakin' world who needs more help than I do!!
I'm just one of these many, and so I should just be ignored! Actually, unless you're here to kill me, everyone should just ignore me!! I'm sure everyone had more important things to do than paying me any attention!!

Also, I'm perfectly fine! There's nothing wrong with wanting to die (personally I think it's totally normal, since we live in this sort of world), and there's nothing wrong with a little pessimism. =="
So! If you're perfectly fine in every way - and you think that your mind is perfectly fine as well, and someone comes and tells you that "they are trying to help you", wouldn't you be pissed!??

Ahahahaha, I only find myself despising optimism more. :P (optimism bliiinndddsss youuu)

Well, then, that's all for now. :D

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

Me, Being Evil, Insensitive Me :D

Ahh, it's quite amusing.

You know Anon? That commenter [that called me a bastard, an asshole, and a bitch]? :D

My reaction to his comments was: "Oh, you're absolutely right! I totally agree with everything you say! I am totally a selfish, self-centred bastard! My exact words, a few posts ago, actually! ...oh, and thanks for commenting! It was good knowing your POV. :D"

My Friend No. 1's reaction to it was: "Mage-chan!! Anon! XD It's so exciting! ...It's always good to have competition." < That was after she read my Oh, yo~! post, though, so she already knew that I wasn't upset or anything. :P

My Friend No. 2's reaction to it was: "You must be the type of people who enjoy seeing people's reaction! You have no right to call Mage-chan an asshole! If I know you in real life, I'd punch you in the face right now!!"

Aaah... what an interesting world we live in. :) [But still, that doesn't make me want to live in it, either]

Uniqlo

Oh, my. It doesn't sound Japanese, but it's a Japanese... thing.

A while back a friend of mine mentioned it briefly in an email and I had absolutely no idea what it was, but I didn't ask either. :P [I'd suspected that it would make myself appear considerately stupid, since he said it like it was something very well-known and normal for people to know about...]

Today I decided to google it, and discovered that it was a retail (?) company!
And they also operate in Thailand, it seems, something that I'm not really surprised in - I mean, look; we get translated anime, manga, light novels, drama series, and even drama CDs from Japan, Korea, China and even Taiwan!! XD
I'd expect no less, from our bond with the other East Asian countries!

And I'd expect no less from myself to never have heard of such a company, either. Simply because I have no interest in the fashion industry... and I don't think I have time for such an unimportant interest, either...

Whats isdiss??

This morning, at approximately 11.30am, I awoke from my deep slumber to the very *cough cough irony cough cough* soothing sounding music of my ringtone, Triple Baka by Hatsune Miku. (+ some intense, amazingly loud vibration on Andriod-chan's part XP)

Firstly let me tell you that I usually wake up at around 12pm on weekends. :D

It was my friend wanting some help on an assignment that was due tomorrow.
Usually I would be pissed if I was awoken from such a peaceful sleep, but since it was 11.30am and not 9am like past experiences, and since I just wasn't in the mood to be annoyed, I meh-ed it. :P
Besides, if she hadn't woken me up, since I was in such a deep sleep, I might have slept until, what, 2pm? =="

Still, it was wonders that I didn't get annoyed.

And now I'm really happy because I've finally finished the above-mentioned assignment... but then that means another one will come straight afterwards!! DX

Oh, I want to disappear off the face of the earth [in other words, a more complete version of dying]... :P