Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

Somehow, it Seems to be Right, Logically...

They say that you should talk to someone if you have Depression, right? :/

Today my friends and I talked about this, and for some reason...

Usually when I talk to just R-chan or E-kun about this, I become high and happy, or tired because I used up too much energy afterwards... but this time Em-chan joined in, and for some reason it caused me to enter a State of Depression afterwards.
I can literally seriously feel the despair creping into my consciousness and I was like, "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap"... :P

And I also feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world. :/
Maybe I didn't want anyone else to know subconsciously, but consciously I already told someone, and now I'm feeling the after-effect of my subconscious wish?
Because I feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world, and because now that I've told it, the world will come to an end. :x Or it could be someone else's secret, however you told someone else although you swore yourself to secrecy.
Something like that.

Now my desire to die just increased because if I die I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
Em-chan told me that I should really talk to someone about it - I have this vague feeling that it may have been the trigger to my earlier State of Depression...? =*= (Remember how I said that people suffering from Depression think differently, and that you can never really tell whether what you're doing is right or wrong? It's especially more so in my case, I think.)
Just the idea in itself made me depressed? Maybe I don't want other random people to know that I have Depression? Maybe I am ashamed of it?
Gah. My head feels messed up because I don't know why I feel like this, which is really unusual. I'm barely self-ignorant, and I'm quite proud of that fact. I hate being ignorant. :/
Then again, if I was ignorant I wouldn't have ever gotten Depression...
But am I really that sad that I have Depression...?
Not really...
I don't think... :/

Aaah... I really don't have a right to be depressed, and because I have acquired Depression, I have no right to really live... :/
Like, there are so many other people in this world struggling to stay alive, yet I'm, someone who'd perfectly well-off, wants to die? That's so self-centred and selfish! It's ridiculous! How selfish can I get!?
It's unbelievable. O.o

One my friend told me something about a debate about whether "Hospitals should kill people who wants to die", or something like that.
I think that it's a greaaaat idea. :D

Oh my god.
My desire to die right now is so friggin' strong. O.o
Because of that conversation with my friends earlier, I just realised that, no, I really don't want to talk about Depression, no, I don't want anyone to really know that I have Depression, and no, I don't want to cure myself of Depression.
And... HELL YESSSS!!! I WANT TO FRIGGIN' DIE!!!!

However... that was what I felt 4 minutes ago.
Now my mum is back from work.
I see her and my desire to commit suicide just melted. :/ (Temporary, probably)
Don't make any "aww" noises because it might bring me a desire to kill.
Although a desire to kill is less likely to happen than a desire to die for me, it's still not good for my mental health, which isn't exactly good from the start anyways...