Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

To Lie... or Not to Lie?

Uarrrgghhh!! I hate it when this happens! I hate it, I hate it!!!
It makes me want to... bang my head against the wall, really, really hard so that I could come up with a proper solution to the damn problem.

I hate it when I'm asked to comment my thoughts on something... because most of the time, I'd be stuck between telling the truth or lying.
There are complications to both of them.

This time, I have to comment about my thoughts on the story of Sadako and the Atomic Bombing.

"It was somewhat of a sad story, but… little children dying isn’t any new; it’s still a normal occurrence in today’s society, even. Kids die of starvation and diseases every minute somewhere on the globe. That’s how the world is, so I didn’t feel anything too much, reading about Sadako.

War isn’t anything too new, either. ...Although it did make me feel lucky yet unlucky at the same time. Lucky that I was born into this world into a time without war and so much suffering, but if I was born then, then I might have been able to commit suicide nice and easily. Getting blown to bits by a bomb instantly sounded quick and highly possibly painless. Oh, and pain and suffering is nice to feel at a young age, so that when I grow up I won't be spoilt and lazy, too. :D

It must've been painful for her to get Leukaemia at such a young age, but life is evil. I envy her a little to have been able to reduce all the pain she'll receive in 80-ish years into a shorter 10. ...Although of course I envy the ones who isn't even born yet or had only spent a few seconds, minutes, or less, on his hideous, annoying earth more.

Honestly, I don't care about what had happened to Sadako - I don't know her, so it is a bit hard to feel anything. 

However I was touched at how the other kids built the memorial, though, but felt that, at the same time, their described emotions and thoughts was sort of stupid (not the act of building the memorial itself, though)... 
Of course they couldn't have done anything, they all were a bunch of little children. Life does that to you. Sometimes the things you care about can be taken away from you just like that, but there's nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

Pain is guaranteed in life.
And I just don't believe in hope. Hoping only hurts more after a miserable failure; something that I have faced already and... don't particularly wish to feel again.


Death can’t be escaped, and some sort of pain is guaranteed to be felt some time in life, and many people around the globe are trying to preserve life and give happiness to others… it’s almost laughable how people try to struggle against something almost inevitable.

Reading the story made me feel depressed, more than anything. I was reminded vividly once again why I don't want to live so much..."

...THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAY I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE THAT!!! DDX

I... I sound so evil! ...>.>

Those are some of my real thoughts, because I don't really care about Sadako - she's already dead, and I don't know her, so feeling sad for her comes after all that cynicism and pessimism I have.

However, I don't like lying.

But I don't want to reveal to sensei my real, real thoughts either. Revealing her that I want to die is not very tactical, I don't think... =.="

Oh my god, I really hate this...

I need to rephrase it so that I write half-truths... not lying, just withholding... certain information! ~(>O<)b

Inner Perceptions, "Metacognition"

Another weird, sudden but subtle boom that will most likely only stay on for so long and only on the internet, because that's how these type of things works.

This post, and this post.

The first post was so... touching it almost made me cry. :) Yess, almost. :)

The second post relates back to something that I have thought about for so long and so many times that it got so annoying, I don't think about it any more.

I think of myself as a logical, negative-pessimistic, selfish, anti-social [at times], self-centred, insecure, unreasonable, overly-serious [at times, about life], cowardly, considerate, dissent (what's the adjective form??)  person. You can also refer to the 8th section of this post, but you don't need to.
...However a human's personality is far too complicated to be able to be described properly in nothing more than a few words.
I have said so many times that I am a failure, and I do still believe that. However my logical nature is also telling me that I am possibly just being exaggerative, something very possible indeed, according to the actions of the people around me. But then again, if I look at things from a different point of view - if I compare myself to my fellow citizens, former classmates, or other kids in school in Thailand, I am certainly a failure.
And I never seem to be able to not remind myself of such.
I'm trying to look for the future but just can't see any of it. I'm trying to let go of pasts that are only regretful, but always ends up only remembering them and nothing else.
That's why I'm such a negative person.

I used to not care about optimism or pessimism, but there was just that, you know... period where something triggered my ultra negativity to come out from hiding.

Before I entered high school, I was a proud, arrogant, confident, judgemental, spoiled kid who was pretty mean, I think... =="
Entering a new environment just made me a little weary and wary, as I don't like big changes - more so when I don't know what I'm expecting. Everything that happened just begins to pile, and I steadily loses my confidence... and everything good about me that I used to believe in disappeared behind the shadows of geniuses and reality.
Which is why I call myself weak.

The very reason I hate wearing dresses so much ties very closely to me being an insecure person. ... Do throw dissent and stubbornness into that, too. :)

Me wanting to die all the time simply because I couldn't stand what was happening around me, what I might have to face in the future, what I will possibly have to go thorough, is pretty cowardly, isn't it?
Escape through death, even though there are people who are off worse than me are still trying... or whatever reason I don't really know, since I see no point to living. But since it is like that, my logical part is telling me that, for normal people, there is a reason.

My dissent is probably partly what is stopping me from even trying to be optimistic, if we don't count the fact that optimism is logically stupid in my opinions ^^. It's stopping me from doing a lot of things, and it's making me a rude, mean, extremely unreasonable person... =.="

Most of the time, I rarely hesitate giving money away to people, I can't stand people needing to wait for me, I like to let all the cars go first and wait until there's no cars on the road until crossing the street, I don't like to interrupt people's conversations or breaks even if it was something important that I had to tell them, I hate bothering people for favours, I always have an urge to carry things for people even if I was dying from heaviness. Would that be consider considerate?

And logical is the only word I could use. But maybe it's more like common sense.
Without it, I'm sure I'd be 100% certain that I'm a complete and total failure, I will very certainly live a terrible life, I will give pain to everyone around me every time I say something, I shouldn't give my opinions because it only brings bad, I'm really insignificant to the point that no one would shred a single tear if I die, etc.

Oh, yes, I'm also very, very lazy!! :D

I'm also a... perfectionist who doesn't try hard enough...?
NO! Well, I believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to do anything that's good enough. "Anything made by me isn't good enough." As long as it's made by me, it won't ever be good enough.
Nothing is good enough in my eyes as long as it's made by me.
With that said, I don't ever truly believe that I'll ever get an A in anything. Even if I do get an A, I blame it on the school's slackness - what I really made wasn't an A, because it can never be....
...something like that, I guess? ^^


Hmm... maybe I went a little off-track there. :)
But oh well!

My two fellow bloggers, Grace L [smile] and David C should do this, too! \(^O^)b 
...unless it makes you feel depressed; then please don't... 

Piled. Many Unreasonable Fractiousness Ahead.

There are a couple of things that I want to complain about, yet I'm too lazy to actually write them out: my assignments and Crystal Saga are calling meee!!;

The following is a bunch of mini-posts all bashed into one, for anyone's convenience!! \(^_^)b

Contents:

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail
7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop
8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.
9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
I met one of the friends who went to the party approximately a day later, and I asked her how it was.
I was totally cool with it when she relayed to me how fun it was, but I was totally not cool with it when she said that "I should have totally come".
It pissed me off, because even now I still doubt that I should have gone. ==
But, well, that's already passed the "discuss" date. :)


2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
Not necessary true, but I want to sue it for making me procrastinate my Science assignment.
It is also a danger to my eyesight, something which I treasure more than my life - being blinded would be my ultimate nightmare.
It's really important to me because the few things I love doing requires eyesight - yet because of that, I tend to overexert them by using them too much in not desirable situations (reading when there's not enough light, for example) for far too long... T^T
Besides, if I was blind, I wouldn't be able to commit suicide painlessly, right?
...The ultimate nightmare, indeed.


3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
As I have state before, I hate dresses. I hate wearing them, to be more specific. But I wore a dress today, and I was crying inside all day because of it. I wanted to die all over again [ugh, such a big deal I'm making this =="]
I arrived at work, and immediately one of my friends who was a waitress did the thing I was totally expecting and slightly dreading, "Ah! You're wearing a skirt - a dress - a whatever you're wearing. It's so pretty/cute!"
Me: "It's a dress."
Her: "...You're such a hypocrite, Mage-chan!"
Me: "No I'm not!" I immediately replied, immediately angered.
She gave me this, "are you serious" serious look, which pissed me off considerately. ==
Me: I corrected myself, "I mean, I am a hypocrite, but not in this case/instance! How am I a hypocrite? I said that I hate wearing dresses! Just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I want to wear it!"
I was fuming lividly inside, but I tried to explain with calmness... I wonder how badly I'd failed.
Yes, that's right!! I'm not a hypocrite in that certain case.
I have always said that I hate dresses - but to be more specific, I hate, hate, hate, hate WEARING them. The look of them are fine. Just not when I'm wearing them. == So how am I being a hypocrite by wearing a dress? I was hating it to the bone! All through the day, at least 1/4 of my mind was occupied because I was bothered by the fact that I was wearing that cursed dress!! =*=

Earlier that morning, I came out of the shower. Usually if it's a weekend and I'm going somewhere, my mum organises my clothes for me while I'm in the bathroom (because I really have no idea where my clothes are located, and there are other reasons. Let's just say that's how it works.). That day it was no different.
I walked into the bedroom and I immediately screamed out loud as soon as I saw the cursed thing.
I was still screaming 10 seconds afterwards. At first my mum laughed at this, but soon she got annoyed and said, "Stop it! You won't die wearing this. It's not bad in the slightest (as in, the look)."
Me, in my thoughts: It may not be bad in your eyes or other people's, but I don't want to wear it, okayyyyy!!!!?
But I wore it anyway, after screaming my head off for almost 20 seconds (that's actually a really long time...)... T^T The work clothes that I... ugh... had been wearing for a week was being washed, so I really had no choice... DX And we were already running late, too. *Dammit, thinking about this makes me... want to die.*

I said to my friend once upon a time that the reason that I hate wearing dresses is because they're uncomfortable (that's one of the reasons, actually...).
She: "They don't need to be/Not necessary/Not always."
I doubt that from the bottom of my heart. It's like how some people aren't comfortable wearing skirts. They aren't comfortable wearing skirts, so they aren't. The shape or the look of it won't suddenly make it comfortable. Because it is still a skirt, goddammit!!!! ...I'm getting really mad just thinking about this. =="

But, oh, well, meh...


4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
Finally, after 5-6 years of knowing of this certain series, I got down to reading it properly, from the start to, hopefully, finish.
Full-Metal Alchemist.
...Totally a classic.
I'm still only halfway through the manga, but ohhhhh myyyy gooddddd!!
It's... It's too good!
Roy is my favourite character! He's just too cool! XD *inserts fangirl squeal here*
Gluttony is also strangely cute, but sort of creepy... O.o
...and it's soooo good!!! ><
[I love seeing evil Salem. Watching a cute little boy killing masses is just too epic.]


5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
I have now come to a resolution; that I hate Sundays.
Firstly, I have to start work one hour earlier than usual, because it's a certain-staff's day off, and I am to replace her. Secondly, sometimes I have to work at lunchtime, too, which means work all day. ==
The other reasons are stemmed from the same base. I always get uber annoyed when I come to work to find tables half-set. Some tables are missing a few forks here and there, some need wine glasses, some are missing a few plates... it probably wouldn't have annoyed me that much if it was missing in an orderly fashion, not totally randomly. Except that it's not.
However I should totally be used to this - I'd mentioned this only once before, so many wouldn't know, but my boss annoys the hell out of me - but only during work. She's a nice person - my aunty.
But her inability to properly run a restaurant and other such issues make me want to kill.
Out of all our staffs, she comes second in the "Who Makes the Most Mistakes" rankings. =*=
She always tell the customers the wait for takeaway for far too short, and sometimes the customers has to wait half an hour longer than they were told, take table reservations, but not writing them down, and putting walk-ins/new reservations on tables when we're freakin' full!
...
...Let's not talk about it. It's not killing me, but it's making me wanting to kill. ==

6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail

Never before in my life have I failed this badly on a Maths exam.

I couldn't answer a whole question! TOT

...

I apologise to the ones out there who are not experts in this certain subject. 

But that is really what my mind is saying. That one question was worth 5 (out of 16) points, so it was quite vital... and I couldn't answer it, for god's sake!!

There's also Science and Orchestra stuff, but I can't be stuffed mentioning 'em.

7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop

Yeah, it's just irritation and blur. Blur and irritation.

Non-stop.

Like usual.

Like I said, those are mini-posts. :D

8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.

I've changed my mind - quite a while ago, actually.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm just a... somewhat negative, pessimistic, logical, pathetic, weak, cowardly, unreasonable, selfish, self-centred, annoying person... who simply wants to die all the time. :D

Lately, my reaction to almost anything - well, my reaction to everything that's the least bit negative is "I want to die", "someone come kill me now", etc.

Even something totally TINY like my friend asking me a question that I think has an obvious answer made me want to kill myself. =="

Dude, you've certainly gone mental. ...My mind was telling me. Since I don't think normal people have that kind of reaction to things? O.o Yeah, abnormal...

Oh god, it would be terrible if I seriously start to lose my sense of "normality"...

In Japanese.

Okay, so I needed to look at this certain document. I was using my friend's computer (who was sitting next to me). I was trying to find it on the school's website when she spoke up, "Oh, I have it."

Me: "Okay."

She goes on to find it in her documents. I turned back to grab my USB out of the tower case. She goes on to open the document.

Me: "You don't have to open it," I said simply, plugging the USB into her tower.

Her: "Eh? But I thought-something-something-something."

I gave her only 3 seconds before pulling my USB back out. Then I went on to thrashing the table physically for approximately 5 seconds, sending my pencil and USB jumping. After that short 5 seconds, I turned back,  re-injected my USB into my tower; about to go back to concentrating on the lesson.

When she said, "You don't have to get so angry." She then put my USB back into her tower.

Me: "..." That sentence she just said angered me more than anything she'd done in the entire day, let alone those few seconds. =="

Me: "...I'm not angry." Well, I wasn't until you said that just now. Now I am pissed. I felt that that sentence needed more elaboration so I continued, "...Angry is not the right word here." < I mean as when I thrashed the table. It was more like "frustration", but I didn't want to say that word (just didn't want to, no obvious reason), so the conversation ended there. :P 

And I wasn't even frustrated with her in particular, I wanted to kill myself more. == Oh wait, I want to kill myself even if it was somebody else's fault. =.=" So we can't use that as a measure...

But still, I was frustrated with myself. It feels like I've lost the ability to communicate with people. =="

Oh nos. 

9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

I had Italian this morning, and it was... pretty much free time, like usual.

My teacher: "Stop playing games on the computer, B." B is one of my male friends, btw. He's really... I don't know. Hard to explain. Immature, but smart? Crazy, energetic, but sort of sensible? Random, hyper, but sometimes dopey? =.=" My teacher's personality is also hard to explain, but he's definitely... slack.

B: "..."

Me: "He can't stop playing, sir. It's just not possible."

Him: "Heyyy, you seem to have some dissent underneath all that composure and calmness."

Me: "........wha?" 

Him: *repeats his earlier sentence*

Me: ".....huh?" Paused. "...what does dissent mean?" I really don't know. :S (that was why I paused and went "wha?")

Him: *explains* "You know, you have to disagree. I say yes, you say no."

Me: "..." *thinking, reminiscing, assessing my own personality*

Him: "..." Looks at me, nodding. 

I glanced up at him, half-rolling my eyes. "..." *still thinking, reminiscing and assessing my own personality*

I looked back up at him again, OH MY GOD!!!

What a perfect word to describe me! >< That's right, perfect! I've suddenly felt like I just... acquired enlightenment! XD

Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

I Was Given an Invitation to Hell Earlier Today. Lit: I Was Invited to a Party.

They were planning on wasting money on a limousine to escort them to where ever the hell they’re going. Lit: They’re going to hire a limousine!

The party was to farewell this International Student from Germany that I myself barely knew, who sits with us, and so I don’t effin’ know why they want me to go that freakin’ much. Lit: I didn’t know the girl that well, so maybe I thought it wouldn’t be too good for me to accept, either.

Besides, they’re going to be dressing-up, and the thought of that alone could make me scream in agony. Lit: Since I’ll most probably wear casual clothes, but then I’d stand out… in a bad way.

They were also planning on wasting their time sitting in front of a bunch of moving picture frames. Lit: They were also planning on going to watch a movie.

Now, I’ll stop that, although I quite enjoyed writing the above paragraph. :P

We all were just sitting there one ordinary break. I heard a few squeals next to me and realised that my friends were excited about something. After I listened for a few seconds, I discovered straight away that they were talking about the farewell party for that certain International Student mentioned above.

Then they suddenly turned to me, and inwardly I was sincerely wishing that they wouldn’t even think about inviting me.

E-chan: “Mage-chan, you should come, too!”

Forget the wish. It’s already been proven impossible. == I made a thoughtful face at the group of people.

R-chan: “Yes, you should, you should!”

Me: “…Why should I?” I asked, honestly wanting to hear a reason.

R-chan: “Because! It’ll be fun!!”

I doubt it. And I’m still doubting it right now. How would something like that be fun for someone who hates parties and doesn't like going out!??

E-chan: “I know you probably don’t go out much. But neither do I. Come! It’ll be fun!”

Me: “I don’t go out at all," I corrected her.

E-chan: “Yes, well, you should come!”

Me: "...you'll be going in a limousine?" I said with something that I hoped was a disturbed look.

R-chan: "Yes!" she said... excitedly. "It's on my bucket list! You should add it to your bucket list!"

Me: "..." I don't want to add it to my bucket list! I don't even have a bucket list! Even more important, I have no wish to ride in a freakin' limousine!! "...I don't really want to ride in a limousine. ...And I will not add it to my bucket list."

Etc. etc.

A few hours after that, when I came to rerun the conversation in my mind to blog about it, I began to wonder a little what having fun feels like…

I’m not sure. :/

Hmm… I’m sure I must have had at least done something fun in my life! Sometimes I say that I had fun doing this or doing that, but usually I just use the word without knowing whether it was fun or not, if I’d happened to enjoyed it…

And then my mind floated to the topic of the feeling of happiness. I’m also sure that I’ve felt happy at least once in my life! But I wasn’t sure when that time was… :S

Ehhh well, who cares. It wasn’t like I desperately need to have fun or be happy, anyway. >.>

During that conversation, I seriously felt like crying. …unreasonably, probably. No, actually, it wasn’t “unreasonably”, but more like “exaggeration”. I just don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of being invited to a party.

I wanted to yell into their faces that I don’t freakin’ want to go, but I held back. I pretended to think about the invitation for their sake, even though I’d planned on rejecting it from the start. …But the more they persisted, the more tempted I was in rejecting them harshly and without a second thought; the more tempted I was to thrash around and yell that I just. don’t. want. to. go.!! 

To yell at the top of my lungs that I DON'T LIKE PARTIES, I BARELY KNOW THE GIRL, I DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' RIDE IN A LIMOUSINE, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS OR WEAR CASUAL CLOTHES AND WALK WITH YOU ALL, I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME, I DON'T. WANT. TO. GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Which actually SORT OF happened. After they finished their first round of persistent invitations to me and had turned back to discuss the party, I hit myself with a Math textbook (I threw it onto my forehead at 2/3 of my full force). However I didn’t scream out loud...

A friend of mine who was sitting on my right (the party peoples were sitting to my left) saw me (the party peoples were engrossed in their conversation so they didn’t see me, I think… or maybe they just thought it was normal for me to hit myself with a math textbook xP). The second time I was about to do it again that other friend put his hand in between the textbook and my head, which resulted in the textbook never reaching my head. I paused only shortly.

But then I attempted another round, and this time he relocated the book away from my reach. ==” I used another book instead (“To Kill A Mockingbird”, paperback, to be precise), but that was also taken away… in the end I had nothing, and so I used my own fist instead.

He had to half-yell, “Don’t!” to me… [I’m sorry for bothering you, E-kun. T^T]

Which was when I’d stopped, partly because I didn’t want him to bother with anything related to me, and partly because I was too tired to use any more than 1/3 of my strength, and if I have to only use that much, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway…

After that, I turned back to listen to the conversation airily, and they tried to convince me to go, yet again… But I had ran out of energy, and the textbook was too far away for me to use. ><

Even now I still haven’t given them a clear answer, but since they read my blog……… ><

"Don't Worry!", "There's Nothing to Worry About!", "You Shouldn't Worry About Such Things!", "Everything's Going to Be Okay!", "Everything's Going to Be Fine!", "You'll Be Alright!", "You'll Be Fine!"

...such irritation-inducing advice they are. ...to me in a bad mood, anyway.

There's no logic, no base, no reasoning, no anything.
Just one sentence full of nothing but baseless hope. And hope are uncertain things. Hope and despair are too similar to each other for me to rely on "hope".
Hope and despair are like opposites, but being opposites, they are extremely similar as well.

But, really, I no longer give a crap. Because I don't want to feel anything any more........

BUT IF ONLY that could be the ultimate truth. :/

Is there no way to die painlessly, quickly and neatly without committing suicide? Is there no way to just disappear off the face of the earth like you'd never existed? Is there no way to wipe out every emotion you can feel? Is there no way to just not be born? Is there no way to destroy the whole damn world without killing or hurting anyone or without creating a sin?

...The things I want the most are things that seems to be beyond impossible. =="

Optimists can be optimistic because they have confidence in themselves, more or less. But I don't really have much. You could say I don't even have any, actually. I can't even trust myself to do a basic sum properly; anything ranging from 7 - 5, 6 + 5, 10 + 4, 2 x 6, 10/2 and such. I would come up with an answer, but then I wouldn't be sure whether I'd gotten it right or not, so I would also do it twice, or grab a calculator.
A couple of years ago, I would be confident enough to be sure that I would at least get a C in everything.
But now, even if it's a Maths test, a subject that I have never before in my life gotten anything lower than a B, I wouldn't be sure of my results until I get them back. Even if all of the questions on the exam were ones that I knew, and even if I'd answered them all easily, I still wouldn't be sure that I would get an A, or even a B. You never know what's going to happen, after all.

Presentations and performances are worse. But that's quite obvious.

My Silence Strategy probably resulted partly from this, as well. ...I don't even have confidence in what I say.

Which is also partly why those baseless words annoy me so much. They are optimists - or at least, they aren't pessimists. So they would have confidence up to a certain point. And here they're raining their confidence on me. But there is something to worry about, and there is a chance that everything won't be fine. After all, I ain't any intellectual person, I'm just a stupid girl of a failure.
How do they even know that everything's going to fine? That it's going to be alright? Don't tell me they can see the future! Don't say that they have confidence in me! How can they have confidence in someone like me; I don't even have the least confidence in myself! It makes no sense, and I hate it when people say things like that with such certainty when they don't know for certain that things will be alright!
It's no difference to someone saying to you, "You will fail that next exam."! Just because it's positive, and just because everyone thinks I'm smart, it still doesn't make the fact that I'll pass certain! They don't know how much knowledge I attain, they don't know how smart or stupid I am, so how do they know!!??
They don't! They can't read my mind! They don't know how much of anything I can remember, they don't know how slow I am! Yet they have such confidence in that, while I obviously don't deserve it, because there is a chance that I will fail!

...Real optimists tend to have considerately high confidence... that's for certain. And so when they say those words to me, it pisses me off since their confidence is obviously miss-aimed. =="
[I guess that also goes to say that I don't like to disappoint people (actually, I HATE it). Which is true, I must admit. >///<]

...for some reason, I feel like I have a lot of problems. But oh well! They're nothing anything except me should worry about, anyway. After all, I will repeat myself, I ain't anybody important! ^^

I'm just complaining here, living up to my blog's name! :P

Well then, adios~! XD

From,
Mage-chan~

Triggered, Once Again

I wonder if I really am going mental.
I manage to take anything and everything around said in the most negative way. But then again, the [other] cursed word was said here, so I guess it couldn't have been helped.

Just one sentence from a friend made me so... negative, I felt like dying all over again... But then again, me wanting to die isn't anything new! It's so common, I'm just thinking that it's an everyday occurrence now! :D [Which also makes me wonder why people want to live so much, too :/]
Just one ordinary break time, a friend asked me, "Why do you want to do Economics?"
I paused. What was with that question? We've already talked about this last week, and she then thought that I should totally do it...? "...because... it's interesting?" I replied back uncertainly. As well as something that I may not fail at for certain.
"But if you ifhdghrhgbsdgbyudofbgkgj." She said something here that sounded suspiciously like, "since you don't like Australia, you wouldn't want to do the Economics for Australia, would you?" And then I heard the word "Thailand" in there some where as well (something like "if you study the economics for Australia, then you wouldn't be able to use it in Thailand", I think), but she was speaking in a way that somehow I couldn't make sense of... I heard several different [key] words, but I didn't manage to catch the whole sentence. =="
I shrugged, went silent and looked back into the far distance... those few words just triggered the biggest problematic obstacle in that certain department. I'd already said that I didn't want to work out the economy for Australia in one of the older posts already, but for the time being I decided to ignore that dislike. [Only supports the fact that emotions are a pain and gets in the way of a lot of things]
Plus, if I study things like globalisation in economics, I thought that it'd be more applicable in other countries, rather than any other SOSE subject.
No, actually, thinking that far ahead is probably extremely immodest and foolish of me. I still don't even know whether I'll survive Year 10, Year 11 or even Year 12, and I was already thinking about university, and work after university?
The above thoughts all occurred to me in a matter of seconds before I said this, "...well, I can't just do straight Maths, can I?" Since that happens to be the only subject I'm good at... no, actually, I'm not that good at Maths either. I can't even subtract big numbers properly. [What is wrong with me?] If I think about it properly, there isn't any subject that I'm really good at...
She confirmed the answer to my question, then turned back to whatever she was doing earlier.

After that, I sat there airily, reflecting on how stupid I am to even think about university when I wasn't even sure that I was going to successfully pass high school. It made me want to smash my head against the wall that I was leaning against, but I was worried that if there was people in the other side, I'd disturb them, so I didn't. Punching the ground looks a little too painful, too, so I dropped that idea. I didn't have the energy anyway...

If I can't do economics and I can't do maths, then I just can't see anything else for me to do.
Well, apart from being a total failure.
But that isn't really an option I'd like to take that much. But only if I could, then I would prefer to be a corpse. ^^ I won't even have to think about the future any more! My, how very convenient. :)
The Arts is not my department, either. I have no creativity, and it doesn't suit an impatient person like me.
No, actually, I don't think any subject suits me at all. I mean, maths currently is so easy to me, but I can't even do basic division and basic subtraction and such all that well. I can't do multiple problems at once in my head, and I find myself struggling to understand anything that's too complicated. And I don't really know whether I'm good at numbers or not.
I love writing, it's my hobby. But I suck at it so badly, my grammar still needs improvement, my vocabulary still needs expansion. And once again, I have no creativity. And I can't even write endings. My spelling could also do with some practice.
Japanese and Italian [LOTE in general], I'm struggling in remembering the te form, and other such forms and vocabs that we're learning. I don't feel like I'm improving at all [or even learning anything new], and it makes me want to bang my head against something, once again.
SOSE, my worse subject. Yet economics is in this department, which pains me every time economics jumped into my mind. I don't know any such historical events; history, geography and biology are my worse subjects ever. And a couple more Sciences; I can understand how Physics and Chemistry works, but I just can't remember any of the base knowledge in all five subjects. :/ [Excluding geography; I at least know where Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and USA are!]

The rest of break time insisted mostly of me silently mulling over my stupidity, like the above.
I took a look at my future path once again, and everything just came crashing down; and since just now economics turned into a should-not-go-down path, I don't see any way out.
Aaah... then no surprise I turned to thinking how much I want to die.
I don't see why I have to waste my time living. ...I don't even want time. I seriously want to give my time to someone else, but that's technically impossible. :/

How I wouldn't have liked to do the economics for Australia was already a fact known to me ever since a while ago [as I have stated earlier, I mentioned it in another post], and I had decided to ignore it, but I guess I can't just ignore it after all. I guess something will always remind me, seeing that I do live in Australia.
Like how I can't ignore the fact that I hate life, the fact that emotions exist, the fact that I'm still alive on this freakin' earth.

Everything turned into impossible again, even though I'd been able to keep a somewhat positive outlook for three weeks now, more or less. For a while I managed to convince myself that I'm not a total failure, and that I may be able to achieve at least a passing grade in Year 12 that I may be able to get an A in most subjects, and such...

Now I'm not so sure...

Besides, if I have to go Thailand, then everything is definitely impossible. Fail high school, no university, no anything. The lifestyle here and there are totally different, too.
[Maybe I'll borrow my dad's gun when he's not looking... XP]

Yes, so if any path of mine only consists of failure, then you see how death is preferable to me? ^^

Everything is so obvious. That's why optimists annoys me... wait, no, that doesn't work. Optimists are usually smart, confident people. But I ain't any of that, and that's a reason that I'm a total failure. But they have the ability to succeed in there life!! So they're allowed to be optimistic [not that it annoy me any less :P], because everything's a possibility for them!

While I really am a total failure, so being optimistic for me will only end in pain! ^^

That's all~

From,
Mage-chan~

Blah Blah. I Feel the Need to Smash-Mash My Brain.

Someone come kill me now. Kill me now. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me!!

It doesn't have to be a person, a bomb, an explosion, a fire, a sword, a gun, whatever!!
I don't care whether it's painless or not any more!!

I want to freakin' die!!
Gaaaaaaahhh! I don't care if I have regrets, I don't care even if I don't get to say anything, I just DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hah.
Hahhh...

School now kills me: I just had an argument with a fellow friend on the Australian Government and the Australian Education. She's most probably winning. (I don't know. I can't tell!!! But I think so!!!)
I suck at arguments anyway. I'm a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl after all.

But the truth is... do I really care?
Australia's Education makes me want to kill myself. =="

Ohhh, I'm such an unreasonable person.

I've been trying to not be pessimistic, pessimistic, die, die, die, kill, kill, kill lately, but I guess it's impossible if what has made me so frustrated is slapping me in the face, and that I see it 5 days a week.

Oh, every time I think about Maths, I always have the sudden urge to bang my head against something!!!

And when I was into my emotionless phrase - I didn't think about it, I ignored it, I worked, I studied.
I decided to not give a crap, because giving a crap was just wasting time, and a big pain in the ass.

And I am going to pull back that mindset now. Emotions annoys me even more than Australian Education does.

Well, actually, what annoys me most of all, out of everything else in the entire universe, is myself!! :D

How to Make This Sound Gentle and Nice; Impossible. Besides, I'm Evil, I'll Tell You That.

I despise optimism. I'm sure you've heard me say that, like, a thousand times already.
Something that I despise more than optimism is stupidity. (and I contain a lot of stupidity, so I hate myself quite the amount, generally speaking)

And by this time, at this moment, I can't count the amount of times I wished I was dead.

...I'm finding it quite hard to get the message I want across right now.

One of my optimistic friend had declared that she "was trying to help me"....

It pissed me off so much I almost smashed my computer.
Well, okay, it didn't piss me off that much. I'd just exaggerated. But it did piss me off considerately.

What was she trying to help me from, exactly?
Pessimism? DA HELLL!! I like my pessimism, and my pride will not allow myself to be helped by someone who believes in optimism that much! And she sounded like she made a blog about optimism to help me... =="
But probably not. ...Hopefully not.
Besides, the only thing that blog does is annoy the hell out of me and trigger my contentious self. XD


And for god's sake, why is she helping me?? She should just... just... do nothing and continue working towards her own life! I'm sure there are other people in the freakin' world who needs more help than I do!!
I'm just one of these many, and so I should just be ignored! Actually, unless you're here to kill me, everyone should just ignore me!! I'm sure everyone had more important things to do than paying me any attention!!

Also, I'm perfectly fine! There's nothing wrong with wanting to die (personally I think it's totally normal, since we live in this sort of world), and there's nothing wrong with a little pessimism. =="
So! If you're perfectly fine in every way - and you think that your mind is perfectly fine as well, and someone comes and tells you that "they are trying to help you", wouldn't you be pissed!??

Ahahahaha, I only find myself despising optimism more. :P (optimism bliiinndddsss youuu)

Well, then, that's all for now. :D

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

Optimistic Positivity!

One of my many optimistic friends has created a blog, and it just had to be about optimism. :P

If you go on it, you'll discover that I am, once again, being a fractious, contentious, annoying prat and have left a very pissed-sounding, irritation-inducing comment in the first three posts. XD

"You Don't Have Any Reason to Die." "I Don't Have Any Reason to Live."

I always receive a mixed feeling whenever I hear [or read] those things where people talk about how you shadn't commit suicide.

I'd be a little annoyed, a smidge irritated, and maybe a little proud... and maybe a few more feelings that I can't name (simply because I am an idiot whose English leaves much to be desired).
I'd once watched this girl who is blind since she was 9 months old and is short of one arm [she had to cut it off because of some certain abnormality in it]. She said that people have told her that seeing her determination to live on had stopped them from committing suicide. The MC/Commentator/TV show person then asked her what she'd said as a response to that person. She'd said that [well, something along those lines], "You see me, I'm blind, I have cancer, I'm missing an arm, yet I still have a reason to live. So for what reason is it that you'll commit suicide?"
Everyone clapped at her words, but I was extremely tempted to smash my own thoughts into her face.

I hate life, I don't want to live. That's the reason I want to commit suicide (I'm not going to; I just want to ==).
I know how people have dreams in their lives; how some people have things that they want to accomplish one day.
Yet I can't seem to empathise [and maybe even understand] all of that.
I still think that life is pointless, I still just want to die as quickly as possible.
So my reason to die is because I have no reason to live, very simply. :D

The more days pass by, I have this feeling that I'm just getting more and more stupid, and I'm losing more and more control. By control, I mean that I feel like I'm... going insane.
Sometimes I become extremely frighten that I would suddenly start literally throwing a real tantrum at school. ...Man, that would be terrible. ==
Besides, lately, I've been feeling that, not only have I been talking too much, I've been reacting too much as well. I sometimes feel like I'm unnecessary exaggerating things, unnecessary reacting or caring about pointless things.
I feel like I'm straying off, too...
There isn't much else that I should be concentrating on apart from school [and work, but that doesn't need much concentration].

I'm such a hypocrite, I annoy myself. Well, there are lots of other factors about myself that makes me hate myself; hypocrisy is simply just another reason.
I want to follow the plan that I've set out for myself. It's best to just remain emotionless inside but smile on the outside, don't you think? That way everything would simply just run smoothly, no distractions, no disruptions, there won't even be depression or sadness, because you'd be emotionless anyway. :)
Emotions are such a pain it makes me want to brainwash myself so that I can be without them. =*=

One Sentence

I had a conversation.
One that somehow just made me felt so at peace that I was shocked. Shocked at how the hell one sentence made such a difference.... first let me tell you what happen.

My friend who reads my blog, also the one I was talking about it this post and this post.
This morning I went to school.
We just greet each other like normal, with me being fractious and annoying like usual. >.>
After talking for a while, I asked, "did you read my blog post?"
She flashed a smile, nodded, clicked her tongue quietly and gave me a thumbs up.
Me: "..."
Her: *turns back to talking to the others*
Me: "..." Okay.
I was a little bit surprised, since I personally deemed it pretty big, what I'd said. But I guess it was just me expecting too much. :)
And since it was just me expecting too much, I just put it aside and continued on.

Now, there was another friend, who I am going to call... James. :D Let me copy the conversation I had with him on fanfiction.net, through the PM system. :)
Moonlite Streak is another friend of ours. She's an avid fanfiction reader and an aspiring fanfiction writer. :3
The first PM is from me, btw.

Subject: Dear you, the one who is acquainted with Author Moonlite Streak.

Forgive me if I am mistaken, but do you happen to be someone whose initials in real life is J.T.?

Yes I am...
But who are you?
Yesterday, 2:34am

Who am I?
Hmm, let's see...
Number 1, I am human. Yes, I know it's quite obvious, but I could've been a computer program!!
Number 2, I am laughing my head off at this moment in time because this is simply hilarious.
Number 3, I am of female gender...
Number 4, I am psychic! (How'd I have known of your initials otherwise?)
Number 5, I know WHO YOU ARE!!! (Because I am psychic!!)
Yesterday, 6:49am

LoL
what are your initials?
I have yet to figure out who you are...
Yesterday, 5:10pm

Hmm, my initials? They are something I shall not reveal!!!
So then, just being nice, how about I give you a few to pick from? R.W-T., R.F., M.M. (me 8D), N.P., B.T., A.H, E.T., or M.S. (Moonlite Streak)?
Yes, the last one is just there because it is. However it is still a choice that you, sir, are allowed to pick from! And so are B.T. and A.H., the unlikely ones that we all would never imagine to be browsing on this particular site, let alone to find them reading Moonlite Streak's fanfiction.
Use your inner psychic powers, sir, and find out who I am before the Day of the Moon arrives! Because then it will already be too late...
The secret will be revealed, and so this will all be in naught.


Later~ :P
Yesterday, 9:37pm

If you are of female gender then why would they be BT or AH
I'm gonna guess
MM?
Today, 1:40am

Oh, yes, you're right. Please forgive me for adding BT, AH and ET to that list.
The fact that I had already stated that I am of female gender had escaped my mind at that moment in time.

Now, dear sir, why do you think that?
What clues, what signs, did you consider, to come out with that answer?
I wish to know of your reasoning and deductions.

The truth will be revealed soon, do not worry.
I just, very simply, wish for some suspense.

I would like to tell you this as a clue; I am one depressed soul yet no one seems to notice. It saddens me a little, but no one need not care about I anyhow. :)

Ciao~
Today, 4:00am

On Monday morning I did tell him that it was me. :D
And then later on, during last period (Italian), I'd idly said that "...no one really notices, lol, ahahaha." to myself, half to him, under my breath.
He happened to be walking over (he has godly ears!!! O.o), "You know, people do notice."
"...not if I don't say..." I replied. It was a fact. Another friend of mine said that she didn't noticed that I was depressed or anything until that time she overheard me crying about my lost USB (not literally crying with tears, but I was half-screaming).
"..." There was a short pause. "...they don't, but you... you need to say..."

But the actually sentence that I'm going to talk about is the "people do notice" one. After he said that, I felt strangely at peace. :3

For the second time in my life, under the space of three days (!), I really understood what those mangas were going on about when they talked about the greatness of friends. :)

But now it makes me wonder!!! I sound, and my actions say, that I'm... a lonely girl who has no friends!?? DA HELL!??
I mean, someone tells me that "people do notice" and I get happy? ...=.="

Ahhh... oh well... after he said that I did my Italian speaking test which I had been dreading a little.
I thought that I'd failed miserably, but the teacher said this: "I was very impressed! This is definitely worth more than a pass!"
...so I guess an A it is then! My teacher is that kind of person anyway... :D

So the only things left for me to worry over (for now, until more comes later ==") is the Japanese Speaking, Listening, Reading and Writing Exams, English writing test, Science Exam, and then the SOSE Exam... Hahh... it never ends...

...I hope it ends soon. :P

I Feel The Need to Bleach my Brain

I really need to stop this. I really, really need to stop it. I really, really seriously need to stop this.

Something is wrong with me... wait, something has always been wrong with me... >.>

I keep being so fractious around one certain friend; technically speaking, we were quite close, but...
And I don't know why, I'm only fractious to her! I'm being such a prat!
I need to know why, so that I can fix it! (yes, it's me forcing my own brain, but, you know!)
As I continue wondering, I came to a possibility that may be true. I get jealous of others extremely easily, especially when it's about their abilities and intelligence... actually, only if it's about their abilities and intelligence.
And this certain friend had quickly and suddenly appealed to me as an extremely intelligent and talented person after another friend had commented on it.
Actually, rather than jealousy, it's also because I feel extremely inferior to them, which in turns make me feel extremely stupid and like a failure, and I don't like it?

...WHAT THE HELL!??
I hate it, why am I so petty, why am I so hateful!?? =*=
I should be happy that a friend is going well, right?? Right???
But I only care about myself, that's why I want to be the best!! That's right, oh, my! I just found the reason. 8D My self-centred and narrow-mindedness, I see.... Hmm... That's nice! Now it'll be easier to change, if I knew what the problem was! :)

Goodness... I need to change my mindset!

Also, I'm such a Slytherin!! ><

...Actually, There's More to the Problem... There's Never No More to the Problem... T^T

You know how I'd said that the only problem left is my stubbornness?
NO! That was a lie!

My confidence is also a problem...
And my negative thinking hasn't exactly disappeared. It's hard to not be depressed and yet not be optimistic. ...I refuse to become an optimist! I will remain a pessimist!
Well, if possible I'd prefer to stand in the middle, but that's a bit hard to do...

I mean, I know that being optimistic would be best for a good mental health, but I don't want to become an optimist, simply because optimists annoys me!!!

Hahh... Oh well, I'll just go with the flow for now~

Something That is Hard to Achieve Yet is Always Wished For

Dreams~
Goals~

I believe almost everyone would have the above?
But I myself haven't had such a thing for a while now, and the only wish in my head had been "to die a quick, neat, painless death soon".
But since I'm not brave enough to commit suicide and I've already put that thought to the side anyway, maybe it's really time I stop pointlessly moping and just live this pointless life.
Before I got into my ultra-depressed state, but was just being pessimistic and purely logical, I thought I'd go in the Economics direction.
I used to want to be an architect, when I was little - because I was good at maths, and everyone says that I'm great at art - but no!! I very soon realised that I lack something quite important or an architect! And that's creativity! I have an extreme case of boringness and repetitiveness)!
And so in the end, the only subject that I can rely on myself to succeed at was mathematics. And I have an interest in the state of this terrible world so I thought I might study Economics! I find it all pretty interesting, too.

I'm glad I took a part in the Sharemarket Game, despite the fact that we'd failed miserably. :3

Now, maybe I'll just come out of my pointless moping - you see, this is what I think; depression was caused by myself, by my own negative thinking, by my own worry, by my own stupidity. So if I was the one who'd caused it, only I can stop it!! If I didn't want to, then there'd be no way in hell that I'd be able to get rid of it!
Of course, I'll probably remain fractious, but that's something else.

And once I'd acquired depression, every possibility became an impossible, every hope became despair, and every wish became too far to reach.
Everything looked much harder, everything was just out of reach from stupid I; the future was dark, dark, dark and there was no hope.

But you know, it was just me running away - something I'd known all along, but didn't stop myself from doing it. It was because I didn't want to risk anything, I didn't want to try, I didn't want to attempt, because I was convinced that I was going fail everything.
But underneath that thought, I also knew that I was being illogical. If I didn't try, didn't risk anything, didn't attempt, then of course I wasn't going to succeed in anything.
But I continued running away.
Because I was scared - you know how I keep saying that I was a coward. Well, personally I think only cowards get depression. Because when I got depression, all I really wished for was death - and that's just more running away - running away from life.

I knew that I was wasting my time with depression, with despair, with everything.
I knew all along that I should just abandon all this pointless moping and just focus on getting myself a good future, because depression won't get me anywhere.
But I refused, because if I'd stopped being depressed...... let's just say it was just me being stubborn. :P

But I don't think I give a damn any more. I'd better stop being pointlessly stubborn. =="
Yep.
And this is the result from talking to my... new friend, the same person I'd mentioned in the A Coin Standing on Its Edge, Teetering post. ^^
I don't know, I guess talking to someone who'd already experienced life more than I have helped? Because the only ones I have been talking to are my friends, who're just [unintentionally, I believe] making my depression worse day by day!! But hearing him saying that he went through a tough time, yet is still trying makes me feel so bad, I thought that I'd better stop this!!!

Even better, he'd majored in Economics, something that I [probably] will also major in!!
...
Now I'm feeling really excited!! 8D

The only problem left is my pride; my stubbornness. I refuse to work out the economy for Australia!!!
I don't want Australia to become rich!!! Dx But I can only do it for Australia if I'm learning from the university in Australia!!
Ah, what a pain... =="

Oh, well, if I just ignore the part how Australia's education was what caused me depression, and Australia's uber annoying laws and regulations that are just too freakin' many that it's extremely irritating, I might return back to liking Australia somewhat. :P

Aah, amazing how a random, quick chat and a friend can change one's mindset. xD
This is the first time that I'd ever agreed with the "friends are nice; friends are important and they help you, etc." saying thing.
Because... I don't know... I think it's because I feel extremely restricted in real life to say or do anything, so I'm not as open as I am on the internet. Plus, like I said earlier, talking to someone who'd been through hard times already helped immensely. :3

...now let's just wait and see whether a State of Depression would return.

...but I feel really refreshed right now! :D
:) All thanks to my new friend..... sorry, does this sound creepy? ><

I Heard That Repercussions Means Consequences or Something Similar

After my last post, the friend who'd said that "if you think about something hard enough then it would come true one day" responded to my post when we met the next day at school.

When she'd told me about it a while back, I'd looked at her and said, "..."
She was like, *nod, nod* "It's true, it'll definitely come true one day if you think it will!"
"..." I gave her a look that was between a glare and doubtful. "Like hell it will..."

But for now, since it's in my favour, I might as well think that it's true, so I posted it, my mind thinking in a joking mood.
Next day, she said this, "...I mean, you'd have to like, do something about it as well as think about it, for it to really happen..."
Me, "..."
"And it only works for something positive!"
Me, "..."
Oh, gosh, that pissed me.

My reaction-message: How the hell does that work? Only for something positive!? That's so contradicting! If "something will come true if you think it will" is true, then it would also stand the same for negative things! Because if you don't think that thinking about something negative will make it come true, then how will positive things!? If positive things can come true, then why can't negative things!? And there'd be no point for the "think something positive will come true and it will" rule if you didn't think that "think something negative will come true and it will" rule is true! Because then that means that you think that thinking about nothing will come true, however they're both about thinking about something!

Optimists makes no sense!!!!
Their reasoning is so contradicting!!
They're all just lying to themselves; they're that or awfully, mentally, psychologically blind, they're lying to themselves that the world is a great place. That only great things happen.
HELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed now; I'm so tempted to go grab that knife sitting in the kitchen and stab myself with it to throw a tantrum and have the pain make my head clear.
But no, instead I am now hitting the underside of the table with my hand continuously. One because the kitchen is too far away to walk and two because then that would cause troublesome consequences afterwards like cleaning up and bandaging, etc.

Okay, just then, I just hit the table intentionally with my knee, but now I sort of regret it since I sort of sent my laptop flying upwards... and my laptop is extremely precious to my orderly, repetitive everyday life. :/ Let's not kill it any further.
I'd need to find something else to thrash and destroy...

Okay, I just hit my forehead with a table calendar that is sitting on the table. It was too small and light; I could barely felt it. It made a lot of noise, though...

Hah... I want to see some blood and feel some sharp pain that will hopefully make me wake up, but I don't want to do it intentionally (because I can only hurt myself so much - I definitely won't intentionally stab myself...*sigh*)... what a pain in the butt 'wants' are. ==

Okay, I Can't Stop Wishing to Die... That's a Bit of a Problem.

I find myself almost always wishing to die, to just mysteriously drop dead or just... disappear off the face of the earth, or any other world or afterlife that may exist.

That's a bit of a problem, since just wishing it most probably won't make it happen.
But apparently my friend thinks it will. However I'd said that she was wrong that she said that if you think about something hard enough, it will come true one day.
If that really was true, I'd be really glad. I'll wish to be shot quickly, painlessly and neatly in the head. Or for myself to have enough courage to commit suicide. :3

I'm wasting my time thinking about it. It'd be better if I'd acted for it. After all, if you want something, you'd have to give away something in return, right? You'd need to act for what you wished, right?
I shouldn't really just sit here wasting my time, just silently thinking about how much I want to die.

I'd better think about something else or just do it already.
I'd prefer the latter, but that's a bit too hard to do...

Despair. Despair~ Despair~! Depression and Despair are Partners-in-Crime! :) [The Crime of Self-Murder.]

Also related to my fourth lastest post and also the ones after that, I’ve decided to never pick an argument with my friend again, if possible.

She gives me all those irrelevant reasons that make me want to bang my head against the wall. In the past, it was worse (she still does it sometimes), she gives those sort of responses; “BUT! It’s so GREAT! And AMAZING! And WAAH!”

Every time she uses those type of argumentative responses I would just mentally blank out. =*= So it would seem like she’d won the argument, but technically speaking, she didn’t really win…

Plus, I think arguments make me feel sort of queasy and give me headaches.

My head now feels dazed and messed up 24/7, and the cold is helping it immensely. ==

I’ve been satisfied with my feelings today since most of my irritation; I managed to direct at myself and they would vanish quite quickly, returning to nothingness. ^^

Actually, I want to just drop talking altogether, but that would be bad. :/

People will ask questions that you’ll have to answer. Plus, talking is fundamental to everyday life.

I think I just entered a State of Depression, and I now know the difference between Moderate level Depression and Severe level Depression. Man, it’s quite bad. :P

I can’t even begin to imagine what Extreme level Depression is like. >.>

I think I finally really know what real despair feels like.

For me, breathing has become such a chore.

Life is so tiring. 

I've given up emotions and feelings, because it's too tiring to think and too painful to be disappointed.

I've already given up life, but I am still keeping it, for the sake of others and maybe myself... because, deep inside, there's still a small thread of hope that one day, a happy solution to everything will miraculously appear, even if I know that it's foolish and stupid, because my dreams will never come true... because I don't have any; I gave up dreaming, a long time ago, when I realised how stupid and incompetent I am.

Keeping my own life sorts of lessens my guilt a little. It's my own fault for acquiring Depression. I was weak; I am weak. Why did I acquire Depression when there's absolutely nothing to be so depressed about? Why am I feeling such despair when there's still a long road in front of me? Why am I so scared of the future that I want to commit suicide, that I wish that I was never born into this world?
Why is it that life... is so hateful to me, more than anything else that I can name?
I've begun to welcome any pain that I receive: whether it'd be disappointment, a scolding, or physical pain... it wakes me up into reality; because the real world is always full of pain.

However some people don't think so. I used to be able to accept other people's points of view pretty well, and my logical part still can understand that different people think differently. But my 'feeling part' does not understand; it refuses to understand.
I stand grounded stubbornly with my belief that life is pointless; that the world is hateful; that life, is, ultimately, the biggest pain ever.
A certain optimistic friend of mine disagrees completely, saying that life doesn't have to be painful. Then again, of course she would, being the optimist that she is. :/
It might not be painful to some, but it might be extremely painful for others.
Now I wonder whether she'd even considered understanding depressed people; has she ever imagined what it's like to be a starving kid in Africa? Has she ever thought that some people's lives are just so terrible, that they're in so much pain, that they cannot smile, ever again?
She thinks that positivity is great. She reckons that you can change your way of thinking, to think only positive thoughts, in just 21 days, by thinking something positive everyday for 21 days...
Complete bullsh*t, my mind was saying. I didn't say this out loud, however.
I refused to believe in positivity, since in the end the only thing great about life is the end of it. You're finally free from the restrictions of living.
...I'd just realised something. My logical part of the mind just caught up to me, and now I feel really guilty. O.o ...I somehow forgot about those people who are trying to live; those people who are suffering from some sort of illness... I feel really bad.
However, those people are strong. They want to live, even though they're already in so much pain.
I am not. I am weak; otherwise I wouldn't have acquired Depression from something so extremely trivial like Work Experience. (geezes, it's funny)
Besides, I can't think of much to look forward to in the future; I sort of want to go to Japan one day, but without the money, I'd think it impossible... so if it's impossible anyway, then I can't really care about it too much, because in the end, I may just be sad over something that was already impossible from the start; hoping for the impossible is foolish, and a waste of time, everyone knows that.
I don't care what people say, but that's what I think.
I like to believe that I am correct, but that's only for me.
Some people think that life is great; at the moment I can still understand; that life for them is great. But for someone stupid, incompetent, slow, and talentless like me, there's ultimately no success. When there's no success, there is only failure; and failure can only bring pain and suffering.
Some people may be saying that you should learn from your mistakes. But so what? Mistakes can't be undone. You may be able to learn from it, but then what? If it was something tragic, it could affect your whole life. Humans take quite a lot of consideration into people's background. Once you've done something wrong, it's already done. YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT. Most people ain't so forgiving. Because even if you'd already learn, do you really think other people know? Would they believe you? Hah, most probably not.

Goodness, I just want to die already... I just want to disappear already...
I just wish I was never born into this freakin' world...
I don't want to feel any of this; I don't want to think about anything; I don't want to worry about anything; I don't want to do ANYTHING!!!!

...
In the end, I should really just discard my emotions, right? :3 (such a difficult thing to do though... *sigh*)
I might end up worse otherwise... :)
Yeah well, I'm just repeating myself again... Don't mind meh...................