Shutted (but Opened Now)

I haven't posted anything for a while, because I decided that I really needed to freakin' shut up.

I've written heaps of stuff - just elsewhere.

There are bits and pieces of blog posts and complaints everywhere - on my phone, on my Blogger account (I ended up with 22 drafts without knowing it! :O), on my PC as Word docs, on my Galaxy Tab and even my ultra-shiny Galaxy Note 10.1. And soon probably on my soon-acquired new phone - Galaxy Ace II...

Okay, so I know I'd decided that I needed to stop talking a long time ago.
But well, I failed... you know. Talking more than 20 sentences per day felt like a crime. (still does. good thing.)
The event that convinced me once again to shut myself up was the boss having come back from her one-week holiday - a short but blissful period of time for most staffs, including me.
Argument was futile.
I knew that, yet I attempted to argue anyway - of course, that ended with failure, as my opinion was rejected. Like always.
Pisses me off daily, but there's nothing I can do about it but endure. I seem to have forgotten already that this was to be expected - I really can't relax and let myself be happy for even a second, otherwise I forget those important points.
Just when I decided to actually try to work for customers' sake, I could only do it for one week - it's just time to change modes, I guess. Back to the cashier who doesn't care what happens to the customers cause it's not my job. But it was for a while; the head waitress and the boss both were away at the same time, so I temporarily took the role of Acting Manager (who doesn't really manage anything).
Everything was well.
But then the boss came back, and the head waitress hasn't yet.
Because of the boss, our staff number decreased under what people would call good.
Because of the boss, the rate of customers having booked and not getting a table/their preferred table increased from almost none and sky-rocketed.
Because there was a lack of staffs, I had to still look after outside, but the boss keeps getting in my way and the mistakes she makes, we have to solve.
Although of course that's normal already...
Why did I forget about it just after a week?
Hahaha.

I hate myself more for not being able to deal with it peacefully than the boss for being like that.

I shouldn't complain; I shouldn't warn her that what she's doing isn't recommended; I need to shut up.

So I did.
And I hope I will continue to.

My self-hate only increases, it doesn't go back down, like time.
It appears I've slacked off again.
Even though I've been trying to tell myself that I can't slack off even if it's the holidays - once I start, I don't trust myself enough to come back. ...okay, I don't trust myself for almost everything, FYI.
I can't believe it-----!!! Grrr, only, what, 3 days left until my Physics assignment is due and I'm stuck!! It's giving me the biggest headache...
And I'm so pissed off at my stupid teacher! (what is this? are all my science teachers from now on fated to be annoying!?) That person said that he was going to go through the assignment on the lesson of the term - a day which many students misses just because they don't want to come school. Of course I went. But I had a violin lesson, and when I went to the classroom they weren't there - they moved to a computer lab. And the stupid teacher didn't leave a note on the door! I asked around and was going to go on an expedition around the school to search for my class, but with failure.
Pisses me off thinking about it, so I'm not going to think about it, but I need to think about it to do it, so I need to think about it. =*=

My English assignment is also slightly worrying...

I also started D.Gray man (manga & anime 1st season). It. is. awesome.
But the art style in the newer chapters are weird - at least Kanda hasn't changed too much though. But what is up with Allen's hairstyle recently!?
And oh my god, last chapter - Timmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that's it.

~Mage-chan.

Thoughts on Maths and School. :)

Seeing "Maths" all over my timetable soothes me considerately. No, maybe quite a huge amount.
It makes me feel like I'm actually doing 'something'. Being at school soothes my thoughts too, because it gives me something of a 'meaning'. It lessens my daily suicidal thoughts considerately, because I now have something else to think about, and 'important' things to do.

I can't say I love school, mainly because I don't like using the word 'love' - it is too strong, too definite. I am a person of uncertainty and lack of confidence; I don't like my words sounding do definite. 'Hate' is okay because it is negative, and I am a negative person. So that is acceptable. I would only use it if I was 100% sure and passionately felt hatred towards the subject/topic/object to the point that I might even give up dying now just to do something to it though. :O (In normal people terms, I guess that it's "hate it so much I could die"?)

Seeing "Maths" all over my timetable soothes me.
Doing "Maths" every school day and sometimes twice a school day soothes me even more.

Maths C is ridiculously fun. I have to admit this.
However there is still a catch. ...Seriously, something never fails to worry me. ==
Apparently since Maths C is a senior (Yr 11 & Yr 12) subject, there isn't a course/textbook available for Year 10s. The teacher said that we're practically doing Year 11 work - the activity book we were given was copied out of a Year 11 textbook.
That sentence made me somewhat glad, yet painfully agonised at the same time. We're learning Matrices. I bet you a million dollars that I could do this even if I was in grade/elementary/primary school. No joke. And apparently it's for Year 11s. ...that's really depressing to hear.
What we're learning in Physics is even harder than that. And Physics, in my eyes, is probably Grade 9 level. Although I did have a bit of trouble with it, but that's simply because I'm stupid. :3

Three of my six subjects are Maths C, Physics and Maths Extension/Maths B. Physics contain a lot of maths, so it feels a lot like I'm doing maths. :3
So peaceful~
Doing Maths day in, day out~
I get this "fuwa~ fuwa~" sort of feeling after a Maths-filled lesson... 

First Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm.

Something that I'd like to point out first is, that, the other day at work, my friend walked in and saw me. Like usual, I'd already saw her since at least 20 minutes ago; I just didn't greet her.
She: "Ah!" She tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around, she waved excitedly to me. I usually get annoyed at this because it was wasting my precious time. I was annoyed again, but just meh-ed it off. I looked at her for a short while. I couldn't force myself to act cheerful, so I just simply turned back after looking at her for a few short seconds.
She: "You look so tired today!"
Me: "..." I was actually feeling really refreshed then. All energised and half-jumping. I wasn't as moody as usual. Which then the comment gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.

And this morning!;
She: "Mage-chaaaan!"
Me: "Helloo!" I was in a rather good mood. Maybe because I was at school.
She: "You look really refreshed today!" Once again it gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.
Me: "..." I was actually feeling quite tired, dazed, and I could feel a headache rolling. However I thought that since I haven't been cheerful for such a long time, I should at least attempt now that I was back at school, a place that I am surrounded by many people.

End of that tale-series.

I started the day of with ITP, or ICT, it makes no difference either way. It was rather uneventful, since Adobe Illustrator CS4 is acting up, and the IT peoples need to act on getting it fixed until we could get serious. ^O^
After Morning Tea I had Physics, and it was one heck of a big class. The room looked extremely small with all that people in it. The teacher, which I'd heard from several sources, that he is "very good", began writing on the board the topics that we'll cover in Physics in this certain semester.
He went on to say that we'll start with Rocketry. We get to make rockets. It could go up to 250 metres. Then he gave us three Equations of Motion then said, "It is your homework to memorise all this by next lesson".
Me: "..." This... this... this is so great!!! It bring tears of joy to my eyes when I hear that we actually get homework!! (even if it is not so much) However that is alright, because it is the first lesson.
After the very much fulfilling Physics lesson, I had a boredom-filled Work Ed class. But I actually tried, because the task this lesson was somewhat interesting.
We were given a scenario: we were on a balloon, and then that balloon fell into a deserted island. Write what you would do it those scenarios: build a shelter, find food, one member has a broken leg, a gun is found, wild goats are also found, etc. I felt that I should exercise my brain through this, and when on to write a paragraph on each, because there were many possibilities.
After that, it was Lunch break, then I had Maths C last.
The teacher that I was supposed to be getting was away this week, so I got a substitute teacher whose English is rather heavily-accented. It annoys me to have to concentrate more than usual to understand what she was saying, but over all the lesson was good. The work was easy, although I suspect that it will get irritatingly tedious and repetitive in the future. FYI, we're learning Matrices. :3

The only thing I am excessively worried about now is Japanese and Music. Music seems like so much work and Music theory and I have never been good friends. It mushes up my brain a lot, and even then I until only understand it half-heartedly.
Japanese, I just am - I spent the holidays trying to cram Unit 3 (directions) into my head, with failure. DX
And also, because the Physics class is so big, my teacher said that we were going to look at our grades so that he can get rid of a few people. Hearing this made me twitch in fear. Last semester for Science I got a B in Achievement and Effort, something that I didn't mind so much, and still doesn't, but then that means I have a chance of getting kicked out... maybe. It depends mostly on my fellow classmates' grades. ==
But for now I'll just pretend sensei never said such things - because worrying about it won't do much, and I refuse to believe that it "will be fine".