Report Card, Semester 1 2012

I just took a look at my results for last semester.

4 Bs, otherwise all As.

The following are the categories that I got a B in:-
Strings, Achievement
English, Achievement
Science, Achievement
Science, Effort

I don't feel anything... Nah.
I really don't care any more, it seems...
I bet you I wouldn't even feel anything even if I'd gotten A in every single thing. I might feel something if I'd gotten Bs or less in everything, though... fear, because I was afraid that my mum or dad or someone would say something...

Although I am glad to be able to get away from my Science teacher. Now it's less murder intent coming from me daily, during school days. ^^
I'm not looking forward to the classes (simply because I don't really want to do anything, let alone go to school and study...), but fortunately it looks like all my teachers next semester are likeable people. :)
Hmm, well, except for one mysterious teacher which I know of not, but meh.

The subjects I'll be taking next semester goes as follow:-
English (compulsory)
Maths Extension/Maths B (compulsory)
Maths C (sounds fun~)
Information Technology, IPT and/or ITN (I really want to learn programming. Just saying.)
Music (apparently, there's a lot of work in this subject. I'm now simply going to see how badly I will fail! the "performance" assessment is not something I look forward to...)
Physics (...I should pick a Science to do.)
Work Education (compulsory, only two lessons per week... now, if only that could diminish to zero)
Japanese (extra, two online Distance Education lessons per week during lunch hour ^^)
Instrumental Music, Strings (also extra, one lesson per week plus Orchestra rehearsal once a week)

I'd picked Chemistry, Economics and Italian, but I was kicked out of Chemistry during the picking-process and they decided to throw me into Physics instead ><, Economics was dropped since not enough people chose it (damn the idiots who doesn't see the invaluable knowledge they could gain!), Italian clashed with IT, and I certainly didn't want to sacrifice IT for Italian.
Fortunately I got the Maths C, but I have a feeling that that's because the amount of people who'd picked this subject was just enough for a class... so to say, they will put everyone who'd picked this subject, in that subject.

Apparently, according to many of my acquaintances, many people hate maths (although I have met people who like Maths as well...). I still wonder exactly why to this day.
The Maths at our school is so easy it hurts me every lesson - always makes me want to scream in agony.
Think about having to learn SURFACE AREA in Grade 10 (with a Scientific Calculator), goddammiitttt!!
Yet... people still seems to struggle with it.
Ahh, thinking about this is putting me in bad mood. =*=

So, then, adios.

From,
Mage-chan.

Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

Re: My Own Post :P + Other Random Crap

When I'd planned my Holiday Schedule - Winter 2012, I forgot to consider the fact that I should check my email everyday.

I haven't been online for almost 3 days because of my new schedule, and I come online to find 5 blog posts waiting to be read and 30 emails waiting to be... deleted. They were all notifications from Facebook and MangaFox Forums. :P

And it's only been less than 3 days and I'm already wanting to break off from my schedule... something that I was totally expecting. I've made so many of those schedules over and over again, but every time I only end up following it for a few days then just slacking off afterwards.
I hope I'll be able to follow it at least for a week this time... aahh, how I hate myself. ^^

There have also been some changes to my schedule - no Tuesday-off for me no longer. :) It's everyday now~
I don't particularly feel too sad or happy over this...

I've been fractious like always lately, too.
Ah... living is such a bother, and smiling is even more of a bother. I don't know why I'm working in a job that requires Customer Service when I don't like to smile. :/ Well, unless I was in a good mood, but I'm rarely in a good mood.

I'm still irritated over little, pointless things like the First Day of the Week. I've secretly been holding an irritation over this ever since it was brought up around 4 months ago. It's been brought up again and now I'm still irritated over it. ^^

Aah... I'm just going to not care, though. It's better this way... I wish wouldn't care about anything... Haaahh... Living tires out every fibre in my body. ==

Holiday Schedule - Winter 2012

Exactly What it Says on the Tin.

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
12.00pm	Watch Anime	Computer	Violin30min	Violin 25min	Violin 20min	Violin15min	Watch Anime
1.00pm			Japanese	Computer	Thai	Computer
2.00pm	Thai			Thai	Maths&Science		Computer
3.30pm			Write	Maths&Science	Thai	Write	Write
5.00pm	Work			Read	Japanese	Read	Read
6.00pm – 9.00pm	Work		Computer	Work
9.00pm	Write	Japanese		Japanese	Japanese	Work	Work
10.00pm						Write	Write
11.00pm		Read	Read	Read	Thai

Notes:

12.00pm activities are done either during breakfast-lunch or afterwards. Unless indicated, it rolls over onto the next time slot. If indicated, then the next time slot activity rolls forward.

Computer: free reign on the internet and computer, including blogging but not writing on original stories, and includes reading manga and playing Crystal Saga.

Thai: read, study, revise, do anything in Thai or about Thai and Thailand

Japanese: Japanese study

Maths: extra Maths study through Thai textbooks

Science: extra Science study through Thai textbooks

Watch Anime: May be on the Internet or TV

Read: does not include online manga, but include manga tankoubons, fanfictions in Kindle format, light novels and novels

Write: includes blogging, fanfictions and original stories

Activities Duration Time per Week:

Watch Anime: 4 hours

Computer: 14 hours

Work: 21 hours

Write: 12.5 hours

Japanese: 9 hours

Read: 6 hours

Thai: 8 hours

Maths and Science: 3 hours

Violin: 1.5 hours

Total: 79 hours out of 168 hours

Sleep = 77 hours

Total: 156 out of 168 hours, with 12 hours left…

Mini-Post: "21 Days Positive Challenge"... And Me Laughing.

Note: Most probably, only people in-the-know will understand this post.

Both the people trying to do this challenge, if it can even be called a challenge, has failed. ^^
Those things are supposed to be done consistently, otherwise they don't work and doesn't serve its purpose. And I haven't seen a post about this for a while already... and it certainly hasn't been 21 days yet! ^O^

Lalalalalala~

The Different Ways to Die

Ya-hoh!

This post. Read it first before reading the rest of this post, if you're going to read it at all.

I would like to point out that with No. 3... are you actually even dead? O.o I mean, you jump off the cursed cliff, but... you were saved. How is that dying!??

Talking about different ways to die... I refer to you this post of mine. :D
I was certainly not in the greatest mood when I was writing that. x) But then again, when I read it over it amused me somewhat. :)

But well you know, talking about this and thinking back on that conversation mentioned in Ruby Mae's post, I think that I should stop relaying my death wishes so openly, because my friends aren't taking it seriously enough - death is too serious to be joked about... =.= I feel bad to people who are dying - and doesn't want to die, or ones that have already died otherwise... It's rather disrespectful and insensitive, no?
Not that I would stop wishing that inside, of course. :D Noooo wayyyyy.

My friend really wants me to comment on that post or to blog about it myself, so here this is.
Actually, the first thing I want to comment on after reading that post is the title. It keeps bothering me. Because songs that features something/someone else doesn't only come from America. =*=
Second, we don't talk about death and dying that much.
Third, I have another post about that ludicrous Romeo and Juliet coming up soon, most hopefully.
Fourth, I don't mind shooting myself, but setting that up would be a big pain in the butt.
Fifth, I don't effing want grandchildren or great grandchildren or whatever the hell.
Sixth, I have no intentions of jumping off a cliff, mostly because it looks painful.
And... that's actually all I want to say. :)

To Lie... or Not to Lie?

Uarrrgghhh!! I hate it when this happens! I hate it, I hate it!!!
It makes me want to... bang my head against the wall, really, really hard so that I could come up with a proper solution to the damn problem.

I hate it when I'm asked to comment my thoughts on something... because most of the time, I'd be stuck between telling the truth or lying.
There are complications to both of them.

This time, I have to comment about my thoughts on the story of Sadako and the Atomic Bombing.

"It was somewhat of a sad story, but… little children dying isn’t any new; it’s still a normal occurrence in today’s society, even. Kids die of starvation and diseases every minute somewhere on the globe. That’s how the world is, so I didn’t feel anything too much, reading about Sadako.

War isn’t anything too new, either. ...Although it did make me feel lucky yet unlucky at the same time. Lucky that I was born into this world into a time without war and so much suffering, but if I was born then, then I might have been able to commit suicide nice and easily. Getting blown to bits by a bomb instantly sounded quick and highly possibly painless. Oh, and pain and suffering is nice to feel at a young age, so that when I grow up I won't be spoilt and lazy, too. :D

It must've been painful for her to get Leukaemia at such a young age, but life is evil. I envy her a little to have been able to reduce all the pain she'll receive in 80-ish years into a shorter 10. ...Although of course I envy the ones who isn't even born yet or had only spent a few seconds, minutes, or less, on his hideous, annoying earth more.

Honestly, I don't care about what had happened to Sadako - I don't know her, so it is a bit hard to feel anything. 

However I was touched at how the other kids built the memorial, though, but felt that, at the same time, their described emotions and thoughts was sort of stupid (not the act of building the memorial itself, though)... 
Of course they couldn't have done anything, they all were a bunch of little children. Life does that to you. Sometimes the things you care about can be taken away from you just like that, but there's nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

Pain is guaranteed in life.
And I just don't believe in hope. Hoping only hurts more after a miserable failure; something that I have faced already and... don't particularly wish to feel again.


Death can’t be escaped, and some sort of pain is guaranteed to be felt some time in life, and many people around the globe are trying to preserve life and give happiness to others… it’s almost laughable how people try to struggle against something almost inevitable.

Reading the story made me feel depressed, more than anything. I was reminded vividly once again why I don't want to live so much..."

...THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAY I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE THAT!!! DDX

I... I sound so evil! ...>.>

Those are some of my real thoughts, because I don't really care about Sadako - she's already dead, and I don't know her, so feeling sad for her comes after all that cynicism and pessimism I have.

However, I don't like lying.

But I don't want to reveal to sensei my real, real thoughts either. Revealing her that I want to die is not very tactical, I don't think... =.="

Oh my god, I really hate this...

I need to rephrase it so that I write half-truths... not lying, just withholding... certain information! ~(>O<)b

Inner Perceptions, "Metacognition"

Another weird, sudden but subtle boom that will most likely only stay on for so long and only on the internet, because that's how these type of things works.

This post, and this post.

The first post was so... touching it almost made me cry. :) Yess, almost. :)

The second post relates back to something that I have thought about for so long and so many times that it got so annoying, I don't think about it any more.

I think of myself as a logical, negative-pessimistic, selfish, anti-social [at times], self-centred, insecure, unreasonable, overly-serious [at times, about life], cowardly, considerate, dissent (what's the adjective form??)  person. You can also refer to the 8th section of this post, but you don't need to.
...However a human's personality is far too complicated to be able to be described properly in nothing more than a few words.
I have said so many times that I am a failure, and I do still believe that. However my logical nature is also telling me that I am possibly just being exaggerative, something very possible indeed, according to the actions of the people around me. But then again, if I look at things from a different point of view - if I compare myself to my fellow citizens, former classmates, or other kids in school in Thailand, I am certainly a failure.
And I never seem to be able to not remind myself of such.
I'm trying to look for the future but just can't see any of it. I'm trying to let go of pasts that are only regretful, but always ends up only remembering them and nothing else.
That's why I'm such a negative person.

I used to not care about optimism or pessimism, but there was just that, you know... period where something triggered my ultra negativity to come out from hiding.

Before I entered high school, I was a proud, arrogant, confident, judgemental, spoiled kid who was pretty mean, I think... =="
Entering a new environment just made me a little weary and wary, as I don't like big changes - more so when I don't know what I'm expecting. Everything that happened just begins to pile, and I steadily loses my confidence... and everything good about me that I used to believe in disappeared behind the shadows of geniuses and reality.
Which is why I call myself weak.

The very reason I hate wearing dresses so much ties very closely to me being an insecure person. ... Do throw dissent and stubbornness into that, too. :)

Me wanting to die all the time simply because I couldn't stand what was happening around me, what I might have to face in the future, what I will possibly have to go thorough, is pretty cowardly, isn't it?
Escape through death, even though there are people who are off worse than me are still trying... or whatever reason I don't really know, since I see no point to living. But since it is like that, my logical part is telling me that, for normal people, there is a reason.

My dissent is probably partly what is stopping me from even trying to be optimistic, if we don't count the fact that optimism is logically stupid in my opinions ^^. It's stopping me from doing a lot of things, and it's making me a rude, mean, extremely unreasonable person... =.="

Most of the time, I rarely hesitate giving money away to people, I can't stand people needing to wait for me, I like to let all the cars go first and wait until there's no cars on the road until crossing the street, I don't like to interrupt people's conversations or breaks even if it was something important that I had to tell them, I hate bothering people for favours, I always have an urge to carry things for people even if I was dying from heaviness. Would that be consider considerate?

And logical is the only word I could use. But maybe it's more like common sense.
Without it, I'm sure I'd be 100% certain that I'm a complete and total failure, I will very certainly live a terrible life, I will give pain to everyone around me every time I say something, I shouldn't give my opinions because it only brings bad, I'm really insignificant to the point that no one would shred a single tear if I die, etc.

Oh, yes, I'm also very, very lazy!! :D

I'm also a... perfectionist who doesn't try hard enough...?
NO! Well, I believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to do anything that's good enough. "Anything made by me isn't good enough." As long as it's made by me, it won't ever be good enough.
Nothing is good enough in my eyes as long as it's made by me.
With that said, I don't ever truly believe that I'll ever get an A in anything. Even if I do get an A, I blame it on the school's slackness - what I really made wasn't an A, because it can never be....
...something like that, I guess? ^^


Hmm... maybe I went a little off-track there. :)
But oh well!

My two fellow bloggers, Grace L [smile] and David C should do this, too! \(^O^)b 
...unless it makes you feel depressed; then please don't... 

SOSE & Math Exams Results, Holidays... Somehow Brings Negativity No Matter How Great it is.

I can't believe it.

I just got my SOSE exam results back. There must be some kind of mistake.
I really don't believe I can get 100% on a SOSE exam. No, I really don't think so. Especially when I was 3 freakin' marks away from getting 100% on the last Maths exam. =*=

It's totally messed up. This is messed up.

I feel really messed up.

My brain is refusing to believe anything... for some reason an A isn't good enough for me? For some reason getting A++ on an exam doesn't make me that happy?
I feel no sense of accomplishment. I feel no sense of relief, mostly because I no longer trust myself to receive an A in anything (yet I usually do get an A... in almost everything).

It's also school holidays really soon in Australia - less than one week left. It gives a mixed feeling of despair, uselessness and relief.
Time is moving so fast. It's moving too fast.
Others are probably grateful that school holidays are so near, but I also know that if that's the case, they'll be over in the blink of an eye, too. [Oh, I manage to pick out the negativity. :P]

It's already the 6th month. Only 5 months left... until November...

Oh, for god's sake, someone just kill me already so that I don't have to worry about all this cursed sh*t!!

Lack of Endurance and Lack of Effort

Which do you agree with more, "everyone is born equally", or vice versa?

I've read a considerable amount of manga, and in some, the philosophy they use are different. One says that everyone is born equally, but another says that everyone is born unequally - some are born into a poor family, etc, etc, etc.

Personally, I don't really think anyone is "exceptional". Life applies the same, annoying, unbreakable rules to everyone. I just hate those rules, I just can't stand them, I'm too tired to follow them, and I don't want to follow them.

Oh well, life isn't really what I was planning to blog about. =="
You're probably so tired of it now, you're planning to stop following my blog, right?? ><

The other day, another innocent conversation triggered me into a certain phrase [but this is positive... I think], that will most probably, very sadly, short-lived. I just know. It's happened before. =="
My mum and I came home one day after the same routine of work. We settled down then she started a conversation, "Today, Tony complained that he was tired."
Me: "Uhn." I already knew, since I heard him complaining, too. Tony's one of the chefs, btw. He's younger than my mum, though. [By farrrrr]
Her: "But look, I work from morning to night everyday, and I don't complain. Your aunty's even off worse. She wakes up early in the morning... Him complaining shows a lack of endurance."
By this point I was thrown into another self-ponder mode. Another one of my many "Hard Working" phrases started again, but I just know that it's going to last no more than a month, at most. It'd happened more than once, in the past. =="
Me: "I also have a lack of endurance, then." I mean, seriously now. I only work 5 hours a day at most, and I'm already complaining!? Shame on me, shame on me!! Weak!! I have to try harder!! There's no excuse, no excuse!! Pathetiiccc!!
Her: "...but you're still a child, so it's ok," she tried to reason.
Me: "Noooo, it ain't okay," I immediately replied. There are kids out there who're starving to death, working from morning til night to feed themselves and their family... and they aren't complaining!! It ain't okay!

Every time this fact hits me, I feel really guilty because usually I'd be acting quite irresponsible and all...

I've been a terribly bad child lately, not studying properly, leaving my assignments until the last moment, playing too much games, procrastinating too much, going to bed one hour later than usual and trying to get out of work as quickly as I can.

What I should be doing better is to prioritise. I know what is important and what is not, but what I do and what I should do are two different things. =*=

It pains me to the core to know that I didn't get 100% on my last Math exam. It makes me want to cry and slap myself into shaping up. [...almost said torture there, but it sounded a little too heavy...]
It pains me to know that I only get around $200 AUSD per week at the moment, and that could barely make a difference to the family's income. [I only contribute $100, though. The rest I keep...]
Which all comes down to that I simply have to work harder. I have to stretch out my working hours as long as possible, more so since I actually get the chance.
I thought that maybe 5 days a week just wasn't enough, but if I increase it my schoolwork will likely be neglected... =.="

Ah, what a bother it is to live...

Piled. Many Unreasonable Fractiousness Ahead.

There are a couple of things that I want to complain about, yet I'm too lazy to actually write them out: my assignments and Crystal Saga are calling meee!!;

The following is a bunch of mini-posts all bashed into one, for anyone's convenience!! \(^_^)b

Contents:

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail
7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop
8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.
9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
I met one of the friends who went to the party approximately a day later, and I asked her how it was.
I was totally cool with it when she relayed to me how fun it was, but I was totally not cool with it when she said that "I should have totally come".
It pissed me off, because even now I still doubt that I should have gone. ==
But, well, that's already passed the "discuss" date. :)


2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
Not necessary true, but I want to sue it for making me procrastinate my Science assignment.
It is also a danger to my eyesight, something which I treasure more than my life - being blinded would be my ultimate nightmare.
It's really important to me because the few things I love doing requires eyesight - yet because of that, I tend to overexert them by using them too much in not desirable situations (reading when there's not enough light, for example) for far too long... T^T
Besides, if I was blind, I wouldn't be able to commit suicide painlessly, right?
...The ultimate nightmare, indeed.


3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
As I have state before, I hate dresses. I hate wearing them, to be more specific. But I wore a dress today, and I was crying inside all day because of it. I wanted to die all over again [ugh, such a big deal I'm making this =="]
I arrived at work, and immediately one of my friends who was a waitress did the thing I was totally expecting and slightly dreading, "Ah! You're wearing a skirt - a dress - a whatever you're wearing. It's so pretty/cute!"
Me: "It's a dress."
Her: "...You're such a hypocrite, Mage-chan!"
Me: "No I'm not!" I immediately replied, immediately angered.
She gave me this, "are you serious" serious look, which pissed me off considerately. ==
Me: I corrected myself, "I mean, I am a hypocrite, but not in this case/instance! How am I a hypocrite? I said that I hate wearing dresses! Just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I want to wear it!"
I was fuming lividly inside, but I tried to explain with calmness... I wonder how badly I'd failed.
Yes, that's right!! I'm not a hypocrite in that certain case.
I have always said that I hate dresses - but to be more specific, I hate, hate, hate, hate WEARING them. The look of them are fine. Just not when I'm wearing them. == So how am I being a hypocrite by wearing a dress? I was hating it to the bone! All through the day, at least 1/4 of my mind was occupied because I was bothered by the fact that I was wearing that cursed dress!! =*=

Earlier that morning, I came out of the shower. Usually if it's a weekend and I'm going somewhere, my mum organises my clothes for me while I'm in the bathroom (because I really have no idea where my clothes are located, and there are other reasons. Let's just say that's how it works.). That day it was no different.
I walked into the bedroom and I immediately screamed out loud as soon as I saw the cursed thing.
I was still screaming 10 seconds afterwards. At first my mum laughed at this, but soon she got annoyed and said, "Stop it! You won't die wearing this. It's not bad in the slightest (as in, the look)."
Me, in my thoughts: It may not be bad in your eyes or other people's, but I don't want to wear it, okayyyyy!!!!?
But I wore it anyway, after screaming my head off for almost 20 seconds (that's actually a really long time...)... T^T The work clothes that I... ugh... had been wearing for a week was being washed, so I really had no choice... DX And we were already running late, too. *Dammit, thinking about this makes me... want to die.*

I said to my friend once upon a time that the reason that I hate wearing dresses is because they're uncomfortable (that's one of the reasons, actually...).
She: "They don't need to be/Not necessary/Not always."
I doubt that from the bottom of my heart. It's like how some people aren't comfortable wearing skirts. They aren't comfortable wearing skirts, so they aren't. The shape or the look of it won't suddenly make it comfortable. Because it is still a skirt, goddammit!!!! ...I'm getting really mad just thinking about this. =="

But, oh, well, meh...


4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
Finally, after 5-6 years of knowing of this certain series, I got down to reading it properly, from the start to, hopefully, finish.
Full-Metal Alchemist.
...Totally a classic.
I'm still only halfway through the manga, but ohhhhh myyyy gooddddd!!
It's... It's too good!
Roy is my favourite character! He's just too cool! XD *inserts fangirl squeal here*
Gluttony is also strangely cute, but sort of creepy... O.o
...and it's soooo good!!! ><
[I love seeing evil Salem. Watching a cute little boy killing masses is just too epic.]


5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
I have now come to a resolution; that I hate Sundays.
Firstly, I have to start work one hour earlier than usual, because it's a certain-staff's day off, and I am to replace her. Secondly, sometimes I have to work at lunchtime, too, which means work all day. ==
The other reasons are stemmed from the same base. I always get uber annoyed when I come to work to find tables half-set. Some tables are missing a few forks here and there, some need wine glasses, some are missing a few plates... it probably wouldn't have annoyed me that much if it was missing in an orderly fashion, not totally randomly. Except that it's not.
However I should totally be used to this - I'd mentioned this only once before, so many wouldn't know, but my boss annoys the hell out of me - but only during work. She's a nice person - my aunty.
But her inability to properly run a restaurant and other such issues make me want to kill.
Out of all our staffs, she comes second in the "Who Makes the Most Mistakes" rankings. =*=
She always tell the customers the wait for takeaway for far too short, and sometimes the customers has to wait half an hour longer than they were told, take table reservations, but not writing them down, and putting walk-ins/new reservations on tables when we're freakin' full!
...
...Let's not talk about it. It's not killing me, but it's making me wanting to kill. ==

6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail

Never before in my life have I failed this badly on a Maths exam.

I couldn't answer a whole question! TOT

...

I apologise to the ones out there who are not experts in this certain subject. 

But that is really what my mind is saying. That one question was worth 5 (out of 16) points, so it was quite vital... and I couldn't answer it, for god's sake!!

There's also Science and Orchestra stuff, but I can't be stuffed mentioning 'em.

7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop

Yeah, it's just irritation and blur. Blur and irritation.

Non-stop.

Like usual.

Like I said, those are mini-posts. :D

8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.

I've changed my mind - quite a while ago, actually.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm just a... somewhat negative, pessimistic, logical, pathetic, weak, cowardly, unreasonable, selfish, self-centred, annoying person... who simply wants to die all the time. :D

Lately, my reaction to almost anything - well, my reaction to everything that's the least bit negative is "I want to die", "someone come kill me now", etc.

Even something totally TINY like my friend asking me a question that I think has an obvious answer made me want to kill myself. =="

Dude, you've certainly gone mental. ...My mind was telling me. Since I don't think normal people have that kind of reaction to things? O.o Yeah, abnormal...

Oh god, it would be terrible if I seriously start to lose my sense of "normality"...

In Japanese.

Okay, so I needed to look at this certain document. I was using my friend's computer (who was sitting next to me). I was trying to find it on the school's website when she spoke up, "Oh, I have it."

Me: "Okay."

She goes on to find it in her documents. I turned back to grab my USB out of the tower case. She goes on to open the document.

Me: "You don't have to open it," I said simply, plugging the USB into her tower.

Her: "Eh? But I thought-something-something-something."

I gave her only 3 seconds before pulling my USB back out. Then I went on to thrashing the table physically for approximately 5 seconds, sending my pencil and USB jumping. After that short 5 seconds, I turned back,  re-injected my USB into my tower; about to go back to concentrating on the lesson.

When she said, "You don't have to get so angry." She then put my USB back into her tower.

Me: "..." That sentence she just said angered me more than anything she'd done in the entire day, let alone those few seconds. =="

Me: "...I'm not angry." Well, I wasn't until you said that just now. Now I am pissed. I felt that that sentence needed more elaboration so I continued, "...Angry is not the right word here." < I mean as when I thrashed the table. It was more like "frustration", but I didn't want to say that word (just didn't want to, no obvious reason), so the conversation ended there. :P 

And I wasn't even frustrated with her in particular, I wanted to kill myself more. == Oh wait, I want to kill myself even if it was somebody else's fault. =.=" So we can't use that as a measure...

But still, I was frustrated with myself. It feels like I've lost the ability to communicate with people. =="

Oh nos. 

9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

I had Italian this morning, and it was... pretty much free time, like usual.

My teacher: "Stop playing games on the computer, B." B is one of my male friends, btw. He's really... I don't know. Hard to explain. Immature, but smart? Crazy, energetic, but sort of sensible? Random, hyper, but sometimes dopey? =.=" My teacher's personality is also hard to explain, but he's definitely... slack.

B: "..."

Me: "He can't stop playing, sir. It's just not possible."

Him: "Heyyy, you seem to have some dissent underneath all that composure and calmness."

Me: "........wha?" 

Him: *repeats his earlier sentence*

Me: ".....huh?" Paused. "...what does dissent mean?" I really don't know. :S (that was why I paused and went "wha?")

Him: *explains* "You know, you have to disagree. I say yes, you say no."

Me: "..." *thinking, reminiscing, assessing my own personality*

Him: "..." Looks at me, nodding. 

I glanced up at him, half-rolling my eyes. "..." *still thinking, reminiscing and assessing my own personality*

I looked back up at him again, OH MY GOD!!!

What a perfect word to describe me! >< That's right, perfect! I've suddenly felt like I just... acquired enlightenment! XD

Continuation of Invitation[s] to Hell

My two friends [E-chan and R-chan] from my "Invitation to Hell" post still haven't read that post, it seems. Because they're still going "ah! you should come!", "ah! I can't believe you're not coming!" and "ah! It'll be so fun!" and other such similar exclamations to me.
 
I was expecting them to not read it, to be honest. Since E-chan doesn't read my blog that often.
And R-chan is in my "List of People to Automatically Send any New Blog Posts to Once a New Post Has Been Made" in the Settings tab, but I took her email off that list when I'd posted it. :P But now it's been put back on again so she'll probably read that post soon [after she reads this one xP], but after they've already been to the party. XD [That's tonight]
 
Oh, but this morning E-chan was trying to convince my other friend, A-chan into going as well. And she said that, "It's not a party! It's just a dinner! And a movie!"
Me: "..." It's been brought down to hell-like event, not hell itself now. But the word hell is still in there. =="
A-chan: "Ehhh. I have to work."
So do I. I ain't going to drop a possible $60 AUSD for something like that.
E-chan: "But it's going to be so fun!!"
Me: Fun, my foot. I doubt I'll be in the mood to have fun if I don't go of my own wish and accord. Dinners are also pointless; it's exam period, freakin' god! And movies waste too much time! ...Nyaaarrrgh! Someone come kill me now!

A-chan didn't accept the invitation, since she has to work, and... she wants money.

I gave the invitation givers the excuse of money as well, but my real thoughts was just that I simply don't want to go. =="

Why can't they understand this much? 

I hate feeling conflicted, and I hate making decisions, nowadays. Trying to make decisions always end up with me wanting to thrash something from frustration. Apparently I don't have depression, but I just want to point out that that's a symptom of depression. :D 

...but oh well, I was just wondering, that's all, nothing much...

Reading and Incoming Holidays

Lately, I've been strangely obsessed with reading and Yu Wo, which is not that strange, since I'd just finished [what it has so far of] No Hero.

I went through the publishing company of No Hero and the Legend of Sun Knight and listed all the other works by Yu Wo... and I am planning on asking my father to buy them for me and sending them over!! XD

And it's going to be school holidays really soon, too!
[Err, but before that maybe I should focused on my assignments... =.="]

...I just reminded myself of a bad thing. :/
I now have mixed feelings towards this particular school holiday. One part I'm glad that I don't have to do assignments or schoolwork anymore (I've turned into a bad kid... T^T), and that I'll have lots of free time, and I'll also be able to sleep lots!
Yet at the same time it marks the "middle of the year", which means that the end of the year is coming soon. ...everything I see and hear, I seem to be able to make it negative. ==" School holidays also means that the restaurant will get busier, and I'll start working 7 days a week again.
And I hope I'll be able to cram in extra studying, but I doubt it from the bottom of my heart. Oh, wait, but if it's Japanese, I think I can do it!! XD But if it's another subject, then I don't think so... :/

Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

I Was Given an Invitation to Hell Earlier Today. Lit: I Was Invited to a Party.

They were planning on wasting money on a limousine to escort them to where ever the hell they’re going. Lit: They’re going to hire a limousine!

The party was to farewell this International Student from Germany that I myself barely knew, who sits with us, and so I don’t effin’ know why they want me to go that freakin’ much. Lit: I didn’t know the girl that well, so maybe I thought it wouldn’t be too good for me to accept, either.

Besides, they’re going to be dressing-up, and the thought of that alone could make me scream in agony. Lit: Since I’ll most probably wear casual clothes, but then I’d stand out… in a bad way.

They were also planning on wasting their time sitting in front of a bunch of moving picture frames. Lit: They were also planning on going to watch a movie.

Now, I’ll stop that, although I quite enjoyed writing the above paragraph. :P

We all were just sitting there one ordinary break. I heard a few squeals next to me and realised that my friends were excited about something. After I listened for a few seconds, I discovered straight away that they were talking about the farewell party for that certain International Student mentioned above.

Then they suddenly turned to me, and inwardly I was sincerely wishing that they wouldn’t even think about inviting me.

E-chan: “Mage-chan, you should come, too!”

Forget the wish. It’s already been proven impossible. == I made a thoughtful face at the group of people.

R-chan: “Yes, you should, you should!”

Me: “…Why should I?” I asked, honestly wanting to hear a reason.

R-chan: “Because! It’ll be fun!!”

I doubt it. And I’m still doubting it right now. How would something like that be fun for someone who hates parties and doesn't like going out!??

E-chan: “I know you probably don’t go out much. But neither do I. Come! It’ll be fun!”

Me: “I don’t go out at all," I corrected her.

E-chan: “Yes, well, you should come!”

Me: "...you'll be going in a limousine?" I said with something that I hoped was a disturbed look.

R-chan: "Yes!" she said... excitedly. "It's on my bucket list! You should add it to your bucket list!"

Me: "..." I don't want to add it to my bucket list! I don't even have a bucket list! Even more important, I have no wish to ride in a freakin' limousine!! "...I don't really want to ride in a limousine. ...And I will not add it to my bucket list."

Etc. etc.

A few hours after that, when I came to rerun the conversation in my mind to blog about it, I began to wonder a little what having fun feels like…

I’m not sure. :/

Hmm… I’m sure I must have had at least done something fun in my life! Sometimes I say that I had fun doing this or doing that, but usually I just use the word without knowing whether it was fun or not, if I’d happened to enjoyed it…

And then my mind floated to the topic of the feeling of happiness. I’m also sure that I’ve felt happy at least once in my life! But I wasn’t sure when that time was… :S

Ehhh well, who cares. It wasn’t like I desperately need to have fun or be happy, anyway. >.>

During that conversation, I seriously felt like crying. …unreasonably, probably. No, actually, it wasn’t “unreasonably”, but more like “exaggeration”. I just don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of being invited to a party.

I wanted to yell into their faces that I don’t freakin’ want to go, but I held back. I pretended to think about the invitation for their sake, even though I’d planned on rejecting it from the start. …But the more they persisted, the more tempted I was in rejecting them harshly and without a second thought; the more tempted I was to thrash around and yell that I just. don’t. want. to. go.!! 

To yell at the top of my lungs that I DON'T LIKE PARTIES, I BARELY KNOW THE GIRL, I DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' RIDE IN A LIMOUSINE, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS OR WEAR CASUAL CLOTHES AND WALK WITH YOU ALL, I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME, I DON'T. WANT. TO. GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Which actually SORT OF happened. After they finished their first round of persistent invitations to me and had turned back to discuss the party, I hit myself with a Math textbook (I threw it onto my forehead at 2/3 of my full force). However I didn’t scream out loud...

A friend of mine who was sitting on my right (the party peoples were sitting to my left) saw me (the party peoples were engrossed in their conversation so they didn’t see me, I think… or maybe they just thought it was normal for me to hit myself with a math textbook xP). The second time I was about to do it again that other friend put his hand in between the textbook and my head, which resulted in the textbook never reaching my head. I paused only shortly.

But then I attempted another round, and this time he relocated the book away from my reach. ==” I used another book instead (“To Kill A Mockingbird”, paperback, to be precise), but that was also taken away… in the end I had nothing, and so I used my own fist instead.

He had to half-yell, “Don’t!” to me… [I’m sorry for bothering you, E-kun. T^T]

Which was when I’d stopped, partly because I didn’t want him to bother with anything related to me, and partly because I was too tired to use any more than 1/3 of my strength, and if I have to only use that much, it wouldn’t mean anything anyway…

After that, I turned back to listen to the conversation airily, and they tried to convince me to go, yet again… But I had ran out of energy, and the textbook was too far away for me to use. ><

Even now I still haven’t given them a clear answer, but since they read my blog……… ><

A Good Author... Will Always Be A Good Author, I Guess

So… good!

What I said before was a lie! No Hero is so, so good!!! ><

[Even if all the action is making my head spin a little…]

The introduction part was just ultra long, and the action only picked up near the end of the book… it seriously did take a long time. But since I have the whole series so far with me, and since it’s by Yu Wo, I decided to just keep reading, in case it hopefully gets better.

It finally does… and it just happened to be not long from where I’d stopped reading last time. [But that’s almost two third into the book!!] Which sort of annoyed me, but meh.

I’ve read up to Volume 6, and that’s all that is published at the moment… and I’m dying, just like when I had to wait almost 6 months for the last volume of The Legend of Sun Knight to be translated into Thai. T^T

Now maybe I should collect Half Prince, but it’s quite old, so it’s probably not in the bookstore anymore… haahhhh.

Ah, I’m so glad Thailand is so rich in his department. :3

Good thing it’s my only interest… [which I should not have… as in, I shouldn't have any sort of interest... ==]