Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

Second Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm, hm. :3

Started the day with Maths, which is good like always, although my emotions feel like they've just been abused. It's all that "who's going to be our teacher?" issue. I got my hopes up after hearing that our new Maths teacher could be one of my favourite teachers, but in the end it's false hope once again. But since it is Maths, I guess any teacher is tolerable since the subject itself makes up for it.

During Morning Tea, I was reminded by myself of my Silenced Strategy once again.
I simply talked too much.
The expression on a certain person's face that I saw after I'd realised that I talked too much made sure of the fact that I certainly talked too much. As usual, I disappoint myself -- oh wait, I didn't disappoint myself. It's more like I broke my own hopes, since I wasn't expecting much from myself from the start.

Period 3, I had English, which I was sure would re-mushed my brain.
Surprisingly, it didn't. Not much, anyways. Since we did activities that only requires the contemporary English. Phew.

Period 4, IT... yeah. Nothing much here.

Lunch Break, but I had a Japanese Lesson... which was uneventful like usual, but I was splashed with a small worry that we're starting Unit 5 yet I haven't even been able to properly learn Unit 3 yet. Unit 5 is clothes and season, Unit 4 is illness, and as stated earlier, Unit 3 is directions...

Now, Period 4! Period 4!
I had my first Music with A-sensei, one of my favourite teachers and violin instructor - I've had him for violin lessons and such, but never for classroom music.
God, I was totally expecting it, but isn't he one awesome teacher.
He crack jokes - maybe too many. Because I remember myself laughing 80% through the lesson... yet somehow ended up learning quite an amount. We're learning about the past music, and so he started us by giving us facts about the Medieval Period. I have to tell the truth; why is it so much more easier to remember than when I was taught this in SOSE class? I can even remember that the Medieval Period is between 450 and 1450! :O
And we were being taped! It's because a few of our class members are doing Music but on a different line - because their subjects didn't end up right, so they'll be doing it through the computers, and the Head of Departments of the Arts decided to tape our lesson for them to watch later! >//<

A good day. :)
Although of course I'm still worried about Japanese exams and homework, and about getting kicked out of Physics class...

Restrictions.

I hate them.
Maybe it's because I feel them in every minute that I am awake. Maybe that's why I hate life, too.
I can't let go of the feeling that there's "always something to do - there's never nothing to do" which is true... which makes me envy (and want to whack) those people who keeps complaining of boredom. And my guess is that those certain people probably envy (and want to whack) people who keeps complaining of busyness as well... not that people who are truly busy actually have time to complain about anything.
I also feel a time restriction in every minute that I am awake, too.
I dislike it a little more than usual when I'm on holiday, mainly because it's holiday. Why do I have to always be so conscious of the time when I'm on holiday? But to no avail, I'm afraid - I have to always be conscious of the time...
I should just set my phone to ring an alarm every 30 minutes. That might be useful... but that still doesn't stop me from being so conscious about the time!!
I wish I could just spend a whole day without worrying about anything at all for once - but that is ultimately impossible!! I either have work or school - one of them, to think about!!! This year, I've had a full day-off from both school and work a few times... countable on one hand! I'm sort of happy but not happy about at it at the same time!

I also want to comment on how I am living in Australia - Australia has so many laws and regulations that I fear just about everything I do, even though maybe not so much, depending on the situations. I fear of this when I cross the road. I fear of this when I write my name down on anything. I fear of this when I go to any public place. I fear of this when I buy anything. I fear of this when I say anything.
Because "I never knew that it was illegal!" isn't an excuse one can use against the court when they've been arrested or fined for some sort of crime!!! And I certainly don't know all of the laws and regulations of Australia! If possible, I sort of want a book on this, read it, and memorise everything, so that I won't ever accidentally get into trouble...(and without even knowing it, no less!)
In Thailand I can fear the law a little less, because... at least I have my dad to protect me!! XD (who is a policeman~!)

Restrictions is also something that support my wish to be forever single very well. Apart from the fact that I am a scaredy-cat; my thoughts are not so different to those of Belle's in one of her posts < that's for my friends in real life.

...hah. Sometimes I wish I'm a carefree person...
Living is so tiring...

Something That Runs Continuously On the Underside of My Brain.

I have lots of conversations with myself.

There's a pattern in this conversation.
Something comes and triggers my thoughts upon the subject.
I ponder upon this matter, somehow managing to make it into the biggest issue of life.
I begin to feel the biggest amount of self-hate, self-pity, etc.
I reasoned with myself that it may not be the case, and that there is a possibility that it is just me making an issue out of things. However that would be thrown away from the argument after a few minutes.
I compare myself to others - I can always find faults in myself in the topic, whichever topic it may be.
I find excuses to keep myself away from the pits of self-brought despair, telling myself positive, encouraging things.
Then I realise that I am making petty excuses and jumps back to the comparison part, and continue to make myself more hateful in my own eyes.
Comes more excuses, and possibilities which I might have missed. For example, if I was worrying about my stupidity, my friend's quotes would pop into my head "you're so smart!". But then I'd go back to comparing myself against something that is much better than me, resulting in me being stupid once again. I will do the above more than a few times, over and over again, so much that it became unbearably indecisive that I just go "eff it!" and...
I conclude my own argument with a definite (negative, usually) conclusion.

This post and this post... (you know, every time I read those two posts over, I end up crying. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I cry over what I write? Pffft. Hilarious, hilarious.)
I'm so stubborn, and once again my self-hate increases.
I think that the reason that "I am stupid, and that can be blame upon the Australia curriculum, however I am also stupid, lazy, weak-willed and indiscipline, so that certainly helped my stupidity increase... oh no, wait! I can't blame the Australia curriculum - I have to blame myself for not trying!! That's right!! YES, it's all my fault!!!" won its respective argument/s was also partly because the "be modest" belief is engraved into my very brains as a manner that I should certainly contribute to. ...every time I say something good about myself, I'd always regret it, my own words echoing in my brains, feeling like I'd just insulted someone quite severely. This modesty issue would always pop up into my head. It's like... stamped onto my very soul... =.="
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I trust my mum and her every words too seriously. Or maybe it really was because I ran into better people and just literally lost hope in my own abilities - although of course I can't stop them from being great... not that I wanted to. ...please leave me in my own failings. ^^ I wish to drag no other into my petty, ridiculous little problems. (you can't even call this a problem. Ridiculous)
Another reason I say that I'm stupid is also because... if I say that I'm stupid, I feel that I am allowed to make mistakes. If I label myself as intelligent or anything of the kind, it restricts me and troubles me so much; I feel that I cannot let myself or others down and I will spent the longest time worrying over the smallest mistakes, because of this "intelligence"...
I... also take in what people say to me. I have been told by 2 - no, 3 people now that I should just skip ahead and... study, or whatever. It makes me... it makes me want to break down crying. No, seriously. It does. Somehow. At the moment I am trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's because I desperately wanted to do just that, yet somehow I am not? And I feel like I was in the middle of trying something impossible, and someone comes along to tell me to do something that I've been trying to, yet failing to, upsets me? It makes the reasons that I hate myself ever so evident? It remind me that what I have been doing in the past times is a total waste of time; pointless, useless, worthless? It blows heavily against the fact that this is all so pointless, it was a hard blow to get me going from a spot that I'm stuck in?

One thing that I am aware of all the time is that my own conclusions may not be always right. Because I'm also sure that I can't be "right"... which strangely contradicts yet also supports my thoughts at the same time.
There are so many ways and exits to one problem, but I kept in mind that people have limits.
I know that I may be underestimating my own limits, yet at the same time I believe that I am what I am, not that I'm underestimating myself...
That is to say, I'd always have a contradiction to myself running continuously on the underside of my brain... at all times.
This is what I call my "logical" side, the side that explores all the possibilities and outcomes by comparing my thoughts with not only greater things but the speeches of peers and other evidence - which is another reason why I hate myself. My other side always win. But even so, I still could not tell whether my other side is right or not.
I hate, hate, HATE this feeling of contradictory - it's included in the "patterns" of my conversations with myself above. I hate it so much mostly because I face it almost everyday, not knowing which answer is right.
Then this "modesty - I'm a failure" issue kicks in, and the side that wins is the negative one... as you all know.
Although of course, the "logical" side continues to run on the underside...
Which means I have had the same argument in my own head with my own self over and over and over and over and over again!!

It mushes my brain. But ranting on my blog then gets rid of the mushiness somewhat. ^O^

That is all for now, 
Adios~!

From,
Mage-chan~

To Lie... or Not to Lie?

Uarrrgghhh!! I hate it when this happens! I hate it, I hate it!!!
It makes me want to... bang my head against the wall, really, really hard so that I could come up with a proper solution to the damn problem.

I hate it when I'm asked to comment my thoughts on something... because most of the time, I'd be stuck between telling the truth or lying.
There are complications to both of them.

This time, I have to comment about my thoughts on the story of Sadako and the Atomic Bombing.

"It was somewhat of a sad story, but… little children dying isn’t any new; it’s still a normal occurrence in today’s society, even. Kids die of starvation and diseases every minute somewhere on the globe. That’s how the world is, so I didn’t feel anything too much, reading about Sadako.

War isn’t anything too new, either. ...Although it did make me feel lucky yet unlucky at the same time. Lucky that I was born into this world into a time without war and so much suffering, but if I was born then, then I might have been able to commit suicide nice and easily. Getting blown to bits by a bomb instantly sounded quick and highly possibly painless. Oh, and pain and suffering is nice to feel at a young age, so that when I grow up I won't be spoilt and lazy, too. :D

It must've been painful for her to get Leukaemia at such a young age, but life is evil. I envy her a little to have been able to reduce all the pain she'll receive in 80-ish years into a shorter 10. ...Although of course I envy the ones who isn't even born yet or had only spent a few seconds, minutes, or less, on his hideous, annoying earth more.

Honestly, I don't care about what had happened to Sadako - I don't know her, so it is a bit hard to feel anything. 

However I was touched at how the other kids built the memorial, though, but felt that, at the same time, their described emotions and thoughts was sort of stupid (not the act of building the memorial itself, though)... 
Of course they couldn't have done anything, they all were a bunch of little children. Life does that to you. Sometimes the things you care about can be taken away from you just like that, but there's nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing.

Pain is guaranteed in life.
And I just don't believe in hope. Hoping only hurts more after a miserable failure; something that I have faced already and... don't particularly wish to feel again.


Death can’t be escaped, and some sort of pain is guaranteed to be felt some time in life, and many people around the globe are trying to preserve life and give happiness to others… it’s almost laughable how people try to struggle against something almost inevitable.

Reading the story made me feel depressed, more than anything. I was reminded vividly once again why I don't want to live so much..."

...THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAY I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE THAT!!! DDX

I... I sound so evil! ...>.>

Those are some of my real thoughts, because I don't really care about Sadako - she's already dead, and I don't know her, so feeling sad for her comes after all that cynicism and pessimism I have.

However, I don't like lying.

But I don't want to reveal to sensei my real, real thoughts either. Revealing her that I want to die is not very tactical, I don't think... =.="

Oh my god, I really hate this...

I need to rephrase it so that I write half-truths... not lying, just withholding... certain information! ~(>O<)b

Inner Perceptions, "Metacognition"

Another weird, sudden but subtle boom that will most likely only stay on for so long and only on the internet, because that's how these type of things works.

This post, and this post.

The first post was so... touching it almost made me cry. :) Yess, almost. :)

The second post relates back to something that I have thought about for so long and so many times that it got so annoying, I don't think about it any more.

I think of myself as a logical, negative-pessimistic, selfish, anti-social [at times], self-centred, insecure, unreasonable, overly-serious [at times, about life], cowardly, considerate, dissent (what's the adjective form??)  person. You can also refer to the 8th section of this post, but you don't need to.
...However a human's personality is far too complicated to be able to be described properly in nothing more than a few words.
I have said so many times that I am a failure, and I do still believe that. However my logical nature is also telling me that I am possibly just being exaggerative, something very possible indeed, according to the actions of the people around me. But then again, if I look at things from a different point of view - if I compare myself to my fellow citizens, former classmates, or other kids in school in Thailand, I am certainly a failure.
And I never seem to be able to not remind myself of such.
I'm trying to look for the future but just can't see any of it. I'm trying to let go of pasts that are only regretful, but always ends up only remembering them and nothing else.
That's why I'm such a negative person.

I used to not care about optimism or pessimism, but there was just that, you know... period where something triggered my ultra negativity to come out from hiding.

Before I entered high school, I was a proud, arrogant, confident, judgemental, spoiled kid who was pretty mean, I think... =="
Entering a new environment just made me a little weary and wary, as I don't like big changes - more so when I don't know what I'm expecting. Everything that happened just begins to pile, and I steadily loses my confidence... and everything good about me that I used to believe in disappeared behind the shadows of geniuses and reality.
Which is why I call myself weak.

The very reason I hate wearing dresses so much ties very closely to me being an insecure person. ... Do throw dissent and stubbornness into that, too. :)

Me wanting to die all the time simply because I couldn't stand what was happening around me, what I might have to face in the future, what I will possibly have to go thorough, is pretty cowardly, isn't it?
Escape through death, even though there are people who are off worse than me are still trying... or whatever reason I don't really know, since I see no point to living. But since it is like that, my logical part is telling me that, for normal people, there is a reason.

My dissent is probably partly what is stopping me from even trying to be optimistic, if we don't count the fact that optimism is logically stupid in my opinions ^^. It's stopping me from doing a lot of things, and it's making me a rude, mean, extremely unreasonable person... =.="

Most of the time, I rarely hesitate giving money away to people, I can't stand people needing to wait for me, I like to let all the cars go first and wait until there's no cars on the road until crossing the street, I don't like to interrupt people's conversations or breaks even if it was something important that I had to tell them, I hate bothering people for favours, I always have an urge to carry things for people even if I was dying from heaviness. Would that be consider considerate?

And logical is the only word I could use. But maybe it's more like common sense.
Without it, I'm sure I'd be 100% certain that I'm a complete and total failure, I will very certainly live a terrible life, I will give pain to everyone around me every time I say something, I shouldn't give my opinions because it only brings bad, I'm really insignificant to the point that no one would shred a single tear if I die, etc.

Oh, yes, I'm also very, very lazy!! :D

I'm also a... perfectionist who doesn't try hard enough...?
NO! Well, I believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to do anything that's good enough. "Anything made by me isn't good enough." As long as it's made by me, it won't ever be good enough.
Nothing is good enough in my eyes as long as it's made by me.
With that said, I don't ever truly believe that I'll ever get an A in anything. Even if I do get an A, I blame it on the school's slackness - what I really made wasn't an A, because it can never be....
...something like that, I guess? ^^


Hmm... maybe I went a little off-track there. :)
But oh well!

My two fellow bloggers, Grace L [smile] and David C should do this, too! \(^O^)b 
...unless it makes you feel depressed; then please don't... 

"Don't Worry!", "There's Nothing to Worry About!", "You Shouldn't Worry About Such Things!", "Everything's Going to Be Okay!", "Everything's Going to Be Fine!", "You'll Be Alright!", "You'll Be Fine!"

...such irritation-inducing advice they are. ...to me in a bad mood, anyway.

There's no logic, no base, no reasoning, no anything.
Just one sentence full of nothing but baseless hope. And hope are uncertain things. Hope and despair are too similar to each other for me to rely on "hope".
Hope and despair are like opposites, but being opposites, they are extremely similar as well.

But, really, I no longer give a crap. Because I don't want to feel anything any more........

BUT IF ONLY that could be the ultimate truth. :/

Is there no way to die painlessly, quickly and neatly without committing suicide? Is there no way to just disappear off the face of the earth like you'd never existed? Is there no way to wipe out every emotion you can feel? Is there no way to just not be born? Is there no way to destroy the whole damn world without killing or hurting anyone or without creating a sin?

...The things I want the most are things that seems to be beyond impossible. =="

Optimists can be optimistic because they have confidence in themselves, more or less. But I don't really have much. You could say I don't even have any, actually. I can't even trust myself to do a basic sum properly; anything ranging from 7 - 5, 6 + 5, 10 + 4, 2 x 6, 10/2 and such. I would come up with an answer, but then I wouldn't be sure whether I'd gotten it right or not, so I would also do it twice, or grab a calculator.
A couple of years ago, I would be confident enough to be sure that I would at least get a C in everything.
But now, even if it's a Maths test, a subject that I have never before in my life gotten anything lower than a B, I wouldn't be sure of my results until I get them back. Even if all of the questions on the exam were ones that I knew, and even if I'd answered them all easily, I still wouldn't be sure that I would get an A, or even a B. You never know what's going to happen, after all.

Presentations and performances are worse. But that's quite obvious.

My Silence Strategy probably resulted partly from this, as well. ...I don't even have confidence in what I say.

Which is also partly why those baseless words annoy me so much. They are optimists - or at least, they aren't pessimists. So they would have confidence up to a certain point. And here they're raining their confidence on me. But there is something to worry about, and there is a chance that everything won't be fine. After all, I ain't any intellectual person, I'm just a stupid girl of a failure.
How do they even know that everything's going to fine? That it's going to be alright? Don't tell me they can see the future! Don't say that they have confidence in me! How can they have confidence in someone like me; I don't even have the least confidence in myself! It makes no sense, and I hate it when people say things like that with such certainty when they don't know for certain that things will be alright!
It's no difference to someone saying to you, "You will fail that next exam."! Just because it's positive, and just because everyone thinks I'm smart, it still doesn't make the fact that I'll pass certain! They don't know how much knowledge I attain, they don't know how smart or stupid I am, so how do they know!!??
They don't! They can't read my mind! They don't know how much of anything I can remember, they don't know how slow I am! Yet they have such confidence in that, while I obviously don't deserve it, because there is a chance that I will fail!

...Real optimists tend to have considerately high confidence... that's for certain. And so when they say those words to me, it pisses me off since their confidence is obviously miss-aimed. =="
[I guess that also goes to say that I don't like to disappoint people (actually, I HATE it). Which is true, I must admit. >///<]

...for some reason, I feel like I have a lot of problems. But oh well! They're nothing anything except me should worry about, anyway. After all, I will repeat myself, I ain't anybody important! ^^

I'm just complaining here, living up to my blog's name! :P

Well then, adios~! XD

From,
Mage-chan~

See You LATER~!

I want to complain, yet I don’t want to at the same time.

I guess it’s about time to abandon blogging!

…

Yeah, it’s probably better to keep all my unhappiness, despair, confusions, rants, annoyance and irritation to myself. :3

Affected by Anon’s comment in many different ways, and since I was planning to give up almost all of my hobbies a while ago anyway, I guess it’s timeeeee~!

Because I will not do what Anon’d suggested; to tell myself that I’m not depressed. Besides, I haven’t been depressed or in a State of Depression for a recorded time (a little over a week, I think). His comment and reminder sort of pulled me back a little, but meh. I’ll get out of it soon, and who cares anyway!

I’ll just do what I have done; I won’t even think about depression at all. It’s been shoved into a neglected corner of my brain. (but was pulled back a little by Anon’s comment…. Yes, I’m blaming you!! I’m a selfish, self-centred, annoying bastard after all. XD)

Actually, now that I think about it, I was just about to let go of depression, and then you came along to evoke my thoughts on it! The hell!? Didn’t you read my recent posts? It’d finally flew out of my mind, and then you brought them back!

Oh well. Your POV was nice to acknowledge. Except [now, several hours later >< yeah, sometimes I’m slow like this] I’m pissed at you somewhat, and I’m... the type to hold grudges… :/

I also curiously wonder what other people’s reaction would be if you say that to someone else? Would most people just ignore it? Would they get upset? Cry, depressed, sad, etc? Hmm…. :/ 

Being called a bitch and an asshole was pretty overwhelming (not so much the selfish, self-centred bastard though - it's just that, since I don't use those words, I've never associate myself with them, but "selfish", "self-centred" and "bastard" are words I associate with myself regularly). :P

Plus, because of Anon’s comments, I feel the need to not ever mention depression again…

And so it doesn’t leave much for me to talk about, besides I don’t have the time anyway. My mind just needed ranting space, and since I can no longer/have no need to rant, there’s no need to have a blog!

Well, okay, blogs are totally unnecessary in the first place…

So then, maybe I’ll say something every once in a while, but don’t expect the same amount of posts like usual! X) [Which is quite a lot, I’d think, mind you…]

At least I hope that’s what will happen… [Me and procrastination!! DX]

P.S. Dear Anon, there is one thing I disagree with you; I do not blame everything on depression! Actually, I don’t often blame anything on depression (at least my [pretty bad, actually] memory tells me otherwise)! And even if I do, it actually means that I’m blaming myself, since I blame myself for getting [fake, mind you] depression in the first place!! Because, to me, in the end, everything is my fault! :3

[Since I’m a fractious, contentious, selfish, self-centred, annoying, pratty bastard.]

…I guess being mute is the right action after all! ^^

Lately I’ve been talking too much; I should really focus on not giving my opinions on anything, because in the end it usually just leads to my own annoyance. So let’s not try to annoy myself. :)

(something I’m sure I’ve mentioned lots of times already… it must be annoyingly repetitive. Sorryy. DX)

It’s all simply logical thinking! :)

And I guess blogging is also a type of talking [communication], so it’d have to be add to my Silenced Strategy… is what I’m saying.

Ugh, this issue has captured all my attention; I need to return to studying like hell mode!

[Good thing I don't have to work at lunch time tomorrow since we're not busy lately! XD]

Bye byes!

From,

Mage-chan~

Befuddled

I'm feeling so weird, and I'm at a lost.

I've been strangely, abnormally tired lately.

And today I've been extremely inconsistent in my moods meter. Pissed, annoyed, happy, glad, sad, depressed, motivated, amused, proud... the hell? =="

Having an inconsistent mood is tiring and annoying. :/ But generally, I'm actually a hyper/high, somewhat cheerful/talkative fractious person, so my mood is always inconsistent anyway. :P

Now I'm being extremely senseless.

I Feel Dead

I feel dead.

For some unknown, mysterious reason, at that. Which sucks, because I want to know why... so then I can properly ignore it and continue on doing what I need to.

It's annoying, because I don't like being ignorant, especially more so if it's about myself. =*=
(that's why I was glad that the anon commenter commented, but that's irrelevant)

Yeah.............................................................................

Down the Drain

Goodness, my motivation to not go into a state just disappeared down the drain.

Sinking~

Hahh, I should be studying right now but I just feel like banging my head against the wall. :D But, nyeah, I'd better go study, because time is precious!!

Yep, that's all. :)

From,

Mage-chan~

Oh, yo~!

Hello All!

Did you notice these comments in the recent posts? :)
No? Then ignore this post! There's no need to pay any attention.

They made me amused (don't have any energy to laugh outright, and my mum would think I'm crazy if I suddenly start cracking up...) [oh, well, they ticked me off a little, too, but I don't have the energy for that either]. Because that person, he (please do forgive me if you are of female gender) was telling me things that I already know!

Yes, (as I have stated before), I am a selfish bastard! As I have stated before, I am self-centred, annoying, and lots of things negative!
As I have stated before, I'm surprised I even have any friends!
(I have not yet called myself an asshole or a bitch, though... ==" Sorry, my language choices aren't that bad yet... I'm still trying to remain an obedient, sensible student.)

YEP, I AM A SELFISH, SELF-CENTRED, ANNOYING BASTARD!!!!

Okay, there we go. All clear. :)
I'm annoying, so if I annoy you... then I annoy you.
Apparently to some, I'm not annoying, but people have different opinions! And to my own opinions, I am annoying! :D

However, there's also another thing that I worry about; if my depression really was fake... then how bad would real depression be!? Oh my goodness, I can't begin to imagine how their brains and their surroundings could feel like! ...I'm very surprised that there would be anyone suffering from depression now!! Because if my depression was fake, then that means that real depression would be considerately worse, and if it was worse than my [apparently, fake] depression, then I'd be surprise that those people haven't committed suicide the moment they felt all that despair!!!
Ah, now I feel like worshipping those suffering from depression... I could barely stand it when I was in a state [which, apparently, is fake], so those people who're still alive have quite a lot of perseverance!!!!
Since when I thought that if my [fake, it seems] depression got any worse, I might actually go mental and really commit suicide... but now it's been revealed to me! Depressions are worse than this!
...which will make me repeat myself; I'm really, really surprised that there are people suffering from depression [still alive]!!

(Also, if my depression really is fake, then you can't trust the BDI!! I answered truthfully in every question, so if my depression really is fake, then everybody out there shouldn't believe in it. ^^ [Seeing that it told me that I have Severe Depression a while ago...])

Okay, that aside.
Those sort of comments that usual upsets people, this is the first time I've actually gotten them. I'm feeling somewhat, strangely excited, something that would probably piss off the commenter considerately..... (I'm sorry, like I said... I'm annoying!)
I try and attempt to be unbiased in everything, including my view on life [except that "life" has already been categorised in my head as something totally pointless and worth dying for]. But it's impossible for me to guess every thought and every reaction out there!

So it's good that I got a new POV from this anon commenter to add to my thoughts. :)

[Also, dear commenter, I don't want a life!! I want to dieeeeee!!!]

I Feel The Need to Bleach my Brain

I really need to stop this. I really, really need to stop it. I really, really seriously need to stop this.

Something is wrong with me... wait, something has always been wrong with me... >.>

I keep being so fractious around one certain friend; technically speaking, we were quite close, but...
And I don't know why, I'm only fractious to her! I'm being such a prat!
I need to know why, so that I can fix it! (yes, it's me forcing my own brain, but, you know!)
As I continue wondering, I came to a possibility that may be true. I get jealous of others extremely easily, especially when it's about their abilities and intelligence... actually, only if it's about their abilities and intelligence.
And this certain friend had quickly and suddenly appealed to me as an extremely intelligent and talented person after another friend had commented on it.
Actually, rather than jealousy, it's also because I feel extremely inferior to them, which in turns make me feel extremely stupid and like a failure, and I don't like it?

...WHAT THE HELL!??
I hate it, why am I so petty, why am I so hateful!?? =*=
I should be happy that a friend is going well, right?? Right???
But I only care about myself, that's why I want to be the best!! That's right, oh, my! I just found the reason. 8D My self-centred and narrow-mindedness, I see.... Hmm... That's nice! Now it'll be easier to change, if I knew what the problem was! :)

Goodness... I need to change my mindset!

Also, I'm such a Slytherin!! ><

...Actually, There's More to the Problem... There's Never No More to the Problem... T^T

You know how I'd said that the only problem left is my stubbornness?
NO! That was a lie!

My confidence is also a problem...
And my negative thinking hasn't exactly disappeared. It's hard to not be depressed and yet not be optimistic. ...I refuse to become an optimist! I will remain a pessimist!
Well, if possible I'd prefer to stand in the middle, but that's a bit hard to do...

I mean, I know that being optimistic would be best for a good mental health, but I don't want to become an optimist, simply because optimists annoys me!!!

Hahh... Oh well, I'll just go with the flow for now~

しゅうまつに、なにをしますか？

Title going Japanese!!
And no, I'm not really asking you for an answer... although you may tell me if you wish. :3
For those who doesn't know what it means; "what do you do on the weekend?" Lit: weekend on, what do?


When I was little, I loved weekends just like any other normal kid would.

But when I reached around Grade 3, I began to slightly dread each weekend that would come. The reason; weekends are usually when the restaurant is busiest.
I'm lucky to have a job - I've actually been working as the restaurant's cashier since I was in Grade 3!!
I knew that on the weekend I'll just face the severe hellish days that the restaurant always get, and I'd be tired near death. :P (exaggeration, yes)

But now I'm beginning to rejoice for the weekends once again, only just recently.
It's because I don't have to go to school - but it's not the "no school" part that pleases me, it's the "free time during the day" part - I needed time! I need more time!
If not, you guys can abandon this blog since I'd then have no time to write! I'd have to drop all of my mangas and animes, and fics! And my own stories will be forced to go on hiatus!

A time machine would be extremely useful! Or a Time Turner - I want Hermione's Time Turner!!!!

A Coin Standing on its Edge, Teetering

It's so strange, yesterday I was in the worst mood possible, since I made a [somewhat] drastic mistake at work. :3
The mistake was still in my mind when I woke up, and it is still in my mind right now, but I didn't feel as depressed about it as I did last night, going so far as to write a will/dying note. :P (which I didn't get to finish yet)

My attention was pulled away from it by a certain book that is just so awesome. It's a Taiwanese Light Novel by Yu Wo - two of her works has already been published as manhuas as well, and those two are my favourites!; 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight!! :D

They are so hilarious; you can read [some of] the light novel translations here or here. (do beware the name differences)
Currently, both 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight hasn't been fully translated online yet. But I have the whole The Legend of Sun Knight Light Novels in my possession, ahahaha! (If readers who are desperate wants to see what happen, I may be convinced enough to write up a detailed summary. :3)
Translating them won't work, because they come out sounding not as smooth > although I think I should practice my translating skills, lol...

Anyhow, today's title is a little more poetic than usual...
A coin being a metaphor of my mind - it's not that complicated. One side of the coin is the depressed side, and the other side is the happy side, lol. :P

Anyhow, I wanted to make a blog post.

But all of my drafts contains some sort of depression, however at the moment I don't feel like purposefully making myself depressed. Because I should indulge in a good mood when it's here - I'll turn into a bad mood at work anyway, because some of the waitresses' face just somehow annoys me. :P

I was in such a bad mood yesterday, too...

I guess it sometimes ring true, this "you should speak to someone" advice.
But the last time I talked to someone about my depression, it only made me more pissed - I think it's just because the other person only said stuff like, "why are you so depressed?", "what made you so?", "you shouldn't worry/think so much/be so hard on yourself, etc.", "you have to talk to someone!" and other annoying sentences.
They don't really understand - or rather, to me, it feels like they're not trying to understand at all, and I feel like they're only thinking about the top - the front of the problem, but this is something that needs to be fixed from the very core of it - if I continue thinking so negatively, then the outcome will continue to be the same.
Hah, I shouldn't be saying all this - it's making myself look stupid.
Anyhow, the reason I brought the "you should speak to someone" advice - I talked to someone, but it wasn't exactly about depression, and it just put me in a good mood. Since my friends make me so irritated so easily, I barely have nice, happy conversations with them anymore.
Plus, this person I talked to is, umm... on the same wavelength as I? His own words. :3
Pretty much, unlike my friends who are pure optimists (hah, so of course I'd be pissed at them ><), he... umm... understands?
No, I hate using this word!! It sounds so cheesy!!!!

Yes, so let's just drop that subject! (and I was the on who brought it upon myself... ==")

But now it's time I get ready for work. T^T

Later!

From,
Mage-chan~

Death Note: Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases

I am currently three fourth through this book.

There are some hilarious bits in there, I'm telling you.
However the third murder creeped me out; more easily so because I am alone in my house... and the sun has already moved on... no, that's not right - this part of the globe had spun away from it.
I mean, seriously. It had me visualise a certain scene that scared me a little - a corpse lying on its back in a middle of a room full of stuffed animals (plus two voodoo dolls) with its left arm and right leg completely cut off from its body - the leg was dumped into the bathroom of the house, and the arm was taken away by the murderer, namely Beyond Birthday.
It would've been totally fine if it was still daylight, however it is not. And I am alone. :) In the house, anyhow.

Most of the funny scenes involves L in some way - you know how he is!

Also, Mello does a fine job at narrating the story! Although I wonder when the heck he wrote this thing... it must've been after the Kira case, after L died, but it must also be after Mello died, but the narrator is Melllo! And Mello is saying that Kira should read this, and that he might be the second to read it after Near does... which means that Light is still alive. But what make the least sense is that Mello had talked about his own death!
...it really makes no sense. Who knows, maybe all will be revealed at the end... :3

Anyhow, it's a good book, I guess.

The humour is nice. :3 I like humour.

Reading about L bring tears to my eyes.... :P

I Heard That Repercussions Means Consequences or Something Similar

After my last post, the friend who'd said that "if you think about something hard enough then it would come true one day" responded to my post when we met the next day at school.

When she'd told me about it a while back, I'd looked at her and said, "..."
She was like, *nod, nod* "It's true, it'll definitely come true one day if you think it will!"
"..." I gave her a look that was between a glare and doubtful. "Like hell it will..."

But for now, since it's in my favour, I might as well think that it's true, so I posted it, my mind thinking in a joking mood.
Next day, she said this, "...I mean, you'd have to like, do something about it as well as think about it, for it to really happen..."
Me, "..."
"And it only works for something positive!"
Me, "..."
Oh, gosh, that pissed me.

My reaction-message: How the hell does that work? Only for something positive!? That's so contradicting! If "something will come true if you think it will" is true, then it would also stand the same for negative things! Because if you don't think that thinking about something negative will make it come true, then how will positive things!? If positive things can come true, then why can't negative things!? And there'd be no point for the "think something positive will come true and it will" rule if you didn't think that "think something negative will come true and it will" rule is true! Because then that means that you think that thinking about nothing will come true, however they're both about thinking about something!

Optimists makes no sense!!!!
Their reasoning is so contradicting!!
They're all just lying to themselves; they're that or awfully, mentally, psychologically blind, they're lying to themselves that the world is a great place. That only great things happen.
HELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed now; I'm so tempted to go grab that knife sitting in the kitchen and stab myself with it to throw a tantrum and have the pain make my head clear.
But no, instead I am now hitting the underside of the table with my hand continuously. One because the kitchen is too far away to walk and two because then that would cause troublesome consequences afterwards like cleaning up and bandaging, etc.

Okay, just then, I just hit the table intentionally with my knee, but now I sort of regret it since I sort of sent my laptop flying upwards... and my laptop is extremely precious to my orderly, repetitive everyday life. :/ Let's not kill it any further.
I'd need to find something else to thrash and destroy...

Okay, I just hit my forehead with a table calendar that is sitting on the table. It was too small and light; I could barely felt it. It made a lot of noise, though...

Hah... I want to see some blood and feel some sharp pain that will hopefully make me wake up, but I don't want to do it intentionally (because I can only hurt myself so much - I definitely won't intentionally stab myself...*sigh*)... what a pain in the butt 'wants' are. ==

Okay, I Can't Stop Wishing to Die... That's a Bit of a Problem.

I find myself almost always wishing to die, to just mysteriously drop dead or just... disappear off the face of the earth, or any other world or afterlife that may exist.

That's a bit of a problem, since just wishing it most probably won't make it happen.
But apparently my friend thinks it will. However I'd said that she was wrong that she said that if you think about something hard enough, it will come true one day.
If that really was true, I'd be really glad. I'll wish to be shot quickly, painlessly and neatly in the head. Or for myself to have enough courage to commit suicide. :3

I'm wasting my time thinking about it. It'd be better if I'd acted for it. After all, if you want something, you'd have to give away something in return, right? You'd need to act for what you wished, right?
I shouldn't really just sit here wasting my time, just silently thinking about how much I want to die.

I'd better think about something else or just do it already.
I'd prefer the latter, but that's a bit too hard to do...

Irritation is a Frequent Visitor to My Head, But I Told Them to Go Elsewhere Instead :)

Anyhow, I’m still blogging, as you can see. ^^

Also, whee!! The post title rhymes!! 8D

I’m happy at myself today; I think I acted pretty normal… I think. At least I highly hope so.

There was also another reason that made me happy at myself (there were a few instances where I definitely was not happy at myself though).

First let me relay to you what happened.

My friend’s household conditions has a risk of falling apart (even disappearing completely as a whole) in the future, and the problem and solution is money, plus people’s evilness.

She once stated that she was going to save up money to help with the cursed problem.

So I said, a few eeks later, “You said that you wanted to save up money right?”

“Yeah…?”

“However, if you continue working like this, you’ll never get a pay rise! You’ll need to know what you’re doing wrong! The other waitresses needs to know, too…”

“…I don’t really mind…”

“…”

“…”

I turned to her sharply.

She flashed me a sheepish-looking smile.

I mentally facepalmed myself.

The first second I was pissed at her, but my logical mind caught up to me quite quickly, to my content. :)

Rather than getting angry at someone like her who never fails to irritate me (along with many others – everybody in the whole world never fail to irritate me every now and then) my feelings changed.

I felt more like shooting myself in the head for my stupidity.

This only farther supported my thoughts.

That feelings and emotions are only a pain.

Yep, I’m still repeating myself.

I’m so boring. ==

I was happy that instead of feeling irritated about that certain friend, I blamed myself instead.

Yay~! Yay yay~!

Everything is my fault anyways, so it’s more reasonable of me to be irritated at myself. After all, it’s my fault; since I started the conversation. I brought it onto myself.

My friend, after the Something You Feel When You Want Things to Just End Already post, wanted to say something in response to it seeing that more than half of the post happens to be about her. She replied – ui dunno what reaction or response from me she was aiming for, but she responded with all those irrelevant points.

I was like, WTF? Why are you pointing out all these things? They ain’t the problem – not the ones that needs fixin’ anyways. Sure, I mentioned them, but solving them won’t change too much.

But I’ve already fizzled my irritation from that conversation by redirecting the unreasonable emotion to myself, so now it’s reasonable.

After all it’s my fault for blogging about it, resulting in her talking to me about it.

Besides, it’s almost impossible for me to not be irritated at almost everything that anybody says. =.=”

But then again it’s my fault for being so narrow-minded (and to be suffering from Depression), causing me to get irritated so easily and so often. :/