Okay, that's like, one of the longest post title ever....... but meh. I like my titles to sound catchy. xD
Can't have it not. ...does it sound catchy? :)
One of my friends just came back from
her 4-days vacation to Sydney.
She bought… stuff.
She said that they were for my birthday
presents that she’d failed to give in February, which happens to be the month
that I was born in. I told her that she did not have to do such things.
Not in that kind, considerate, pleased way, no.
I was feeling irritated.
Or was I also secretly happy?
Or was I both irritated and happy?
So was I irritated or happy?
Anyway, outwardly and on top, and
consciously, I was irritated. That she bought me a birthday present.
I know I should be happy,
social-interactions-wise… But I couldn’t fake happiness. I never fake
happiness. Faking happiness isn’t something I like doing, and it is something I
can never be stuffed to do. And it’s no difference this time.
As soon as my friend had mentioned the
word “birthday”, my State of Depression just immediately decided to come back
from its vacation. Well, it’s not like I could stay cheery-happy for that long,
technically speaking, anyway.
Because, why the heck must people
keep celebrating that cursed day? The cursed day…
=*=
The damn cursed day…
Psh, with the mention of that cursed
day, I was put into an irritated mood for the rest of the night.
Not to mention that I came across this
customer that irritated me. It wasn’t something worth being irritated and
annoyed over, really. It was just a simple mistake or idiocy or retardation by
the customer. However, I was annoyed.
It was a simple through-the-phone
take-away order.
She ordered a certain food and then said
“MILD”. It was said in a tone of voice that made me want to destroy the freakin’
phone. Did she think I was illiterate or something? Do I sound like a
5-year-old? You think I can’t understand you?
Although it’s probably because I’d asked
her to repeat what she’d said, was why she’d said it to me like that. However
the reason I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said was her freakin’ fault.
There was this sudden background noise that came out of nowhere then
disappeared quickly.
Plus, the fact that that certain dish
WAS ALREADY MILD also annoyed me. =*=
She ordered a few more dishes, then she
repeated the whole order again. For my sake, of course, but this also annoyed
me because I was about to repeat the order back to her when she beat me to it.
However it’d have annoyed me more if she’d asked me to “repeat the order back
to her”, when I’m about to do just that. I’m an easily-irritated person. As
expected of someone suffering from Depression, though. No surprise, really.
She went a little rushed, and so I
asked, “Sorry, can you please start from the start again?”
She made this little annoyed “huffed”
noise. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed, however, because so am I. There’d
be no end to this. :/
“..blah blah blah. And I want it MILD.”
Me: =*= It’s already mild, you
dumbass! And it’s written down on the freakin’ menu!!! “Sorry? MILD?” I
asked this just to make sure, and I was annoyed, too, ahahahaha. Although that
was as far a revenge I could get because, customer is god. J
Customer:
“Yes. MILD. I want it in mild temperature.”
This sentence was what ticked me off
completely. What did you just say? Are you twisted in the head? Did I just
hear the word ‘temperature’ come out of this receiver? I was a bit taken
aback and so I went uncertainly, “MILD… temperature?”
Customer: “Yes, MILD. You know how you
have it in mild-medium-hot? I want it I mild temperature.”
She successfully made it sound like I
was the idiot with half-deaf ears.
I was pissed.
However I did successfully ended the
conversation without any yelling.
Good thing it was on the phone. Only
some saw my irritated face. :3
Back to my friend who bought me birthday
presents, which was a month and a half late, but that wasn’t the problem…
I was irritated that she bought me
birthday presents, and I kept telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. In
monotone.
…In my heart I knew I should at least
smile when she gave it to me. But it was too hard to fake happiness, like I
said…
“I got you the first volume of The
Prince of Tennis and a Vampire Knight Art Book!” she says.
Me: =*=… “J…Oh,
that’d have been good… except that I already have the first volume of The
Princes of Tennis at home, in Thai…”
Friend: “Oh.”
Me: Why am I acting so mean? …Aargh.
It was the cursed word. The “‘birthday’ present”… The cursed word,
indeed.
Friend: “Well, I didn’t know.”
Me: “Of course you didn’t.”
No, I wasn’t happy at all. Really. I don’t
think. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.
Like hell I know, and like hell I care.
…Did she misunderstand my tastes? Yes,
totally. I don’t understand art. And it’s not like I like Vampire Knight that
much, either. I dropped it edges ago, really. Didn’t she know that? Err…
apparently not. But who cares.
She said that “I didn’t know what to get
you. And the stuff that I wanted to get you, you already have, so I got you
those.”
Yes, but I already have one of them.
And why are you buying me birthday presents? Trying to make me commit suicide,
now are you? “Easiest way out. Don’t buy me
anything.” < I said that sentence like, 5-6 times to her earlier today .
Fortunately, being the optimistic person
she is, she was still smiling like always. Phew.
Plus, I’ve been trying to not buy any
material things lately, with the chance of me going back to Thailand by the end
of the year extremely high and all.
Yesterday my mum just said “This IELTS
test is impossible for me to pass” to me, so might as well deem it certain…?
Oh, but my mind haven’t really accepted
the truth yet. It’s like how I’ve been avoiding thinking about Work Experience
(if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check some of my earlier posts… umm,
the one that says “The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide”…)… It will
need to happen, yet I’m not doing anything about it…
Geezes.
I hate life. =*=
Someone kill me nowwwww.
Some people will probably be really
offended if they heard me say that. :/ You know, those people that are fighting
to live, respectively. They’re fighting to live, and here I am asking to die.
While my life is perfectly likeable. In
many people’s eyes.
I like my life. I do. I just don’t like
life as a whole. I think it’s a bunch of senseless, pointless crap.
I don’t even have any right to be
suffering from Depression. =*=
Geezes. This is another reason why I
hate life so muchhhh….
Okay. I really, really, really want to
die right now.
LOL, my State of Depression is full back
and rolling. :P I don’t even care about leaving people behind at this moment in
time (I’m sure I will sometime after this though, but not at the moment. I know
myself).
Blame the word “birthday”. And then that
“Work Experience” I’d just mentioned. They’re quite convenient triggers for my
State of Depressions.
Other convenient triggers includes “future”,
“university”, “senior”, etc, anything about the future, really.
A while ago someone had asked me whether
I’m going to do the “Headstart Program” or not. (It’s this program at a certain
university where you can study a course there while you’re still in Grade 11 or
12.)
I went quiet for a moment. I might
not even be in Australia by then. Plus, even if I stay using a Student Visa, I’m
not sure whether I’m eligible or not… “…Err, yeah, I want to, but I’m still
not sure yet…” Was the reply I gave.
Daammmmmmmmmnnn.
Am I trying to make myself depressed?
Talking about these stuff sends me into
despair. :/
So why am I talking about them? =*=
Well, it’ll take a while for me to get out of a State once I’m in one. Maybe
you should expect a few more Depression-filled posts the next following days?
:/
Or maybe I’ll force myself out of it for
the time being. I have lots of things to do after all.
Can’t waste time moping around thinking
about committing suicide, now can we?
I seem to have a twisted mind. A word
that normally gives people joy like “birthday” makes me want to commit suicide.
…Is what I think I should say.
HOWEVER, like hell my mind is twisted. I
just think differently from people…. (is that valid? O.o). I’m just a coward
that has really, really, really, low self-confidence. That’s right. It’s the
start of it all.
Once another friend of mine has asked
me, “Why do you have low self-esteem?” when I’d told her that I have low
self-esteem.
I tried not to make a disgusted face at
one of the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s like
asking someone who’d optimistic why they’re so optimistic. Or asking someone
who’s nice why they’re nice, etc.
Like hell I could give you a proper answer.
It’s in ma personality!! But I attempted an answer anyway. “Well… that’s
because I lack self-confidence, which is practically the same as low
self-esteem anyway…” Pauses. “Do you even know what self-esteem is?”
She shrugs uncertainly.
Me: =*= Damn. …I was pissed. :P
She tried to talk me into getting out of
Depression, I think, or whatever it was she was trying to do. When I mentioned
that I’m a total failure, she said that “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.
Me: “Why not?”
She: “…Well, you just shouldn’t consider
yourself a failure for every little mistake you do. Everybody makes mistakes.”
I’ve heard that phrase so many times, I could strangle you for saying it alone.
Can’t you be more creative?
Me: “…I know that. I know that
everybody makes mistakes.” Yeah, even elementary schoolers know that.
She: “So you shouldn’t be too hard on
yourself.”
Me: “If I don’t be hard on myself now, I
really will end up being a failure once I move back to Thailand.”
She makes this sort of impatient sound. “…Now,
if you think you’re a failure, then what are we?”
Me: That makes you guys total
failures. But I can’t really say that, even if I think that. Plus, she’s
measuring my “failure” level with only academic level. However that really
doesn’t have anything to do with it. There are lots of people in this world
that ends up successful without even finishing primary school. Your argument is
invalid. =*= I can’t survive in life when I’m scared of just doing Work
Experience. So freakin’ scared that I’m Depressed! How’s that!?? However I
painfully lost that argument because I couldn’t say that I thought that they
were failures. And it was simply too bothersome to explain the whole concept
that came afterwards (Typing this up was also a pain, mind you). She wasn’t the
type that could understand big stuff like that anyways, although it is quite
simple…
I was still pissed as we continued the
conversation. Don’t know if she noticed though.
Our opinions on this certain topic never
mixed well. Everything she says to me, I have an argument to back it up.
However I FAILED in debating and I can never come up with a proper one on the
spot. :/ It sucks.
However our debates never really ended
with a clear winner…
Talking about debates, that reminds me
of something I want to rant about.
The friend that came back from Sydney
that I mentioned earlier? She’s also the same “certain waitress” that I’ve
complained about in a couple of my posts back in March.
There was this one time that I had a
non-serious debate with one of my co-workers about how a sign should be put up;
whether the sticky-tape should be on the inside, outside, etc.
There were several interruptions since
we were in the middle of work.
My co-worker was the one who put up the
sign, I got the last word in, and she put the sign up my way. Then the certain
waitress passed by and asked, “Who who won that argument?”
“Hm?” I wondered. “No one…” Which was
sort of true. Since I didn’t feel like I won anything, but my co-worker didn’t win
anything either. It wasn’t serious anyway.
“Of course, of course,” she said, grinning
at me knowingly. She gave me the look that one would give you a person who’d
lost yet isn’t admitting it…
My anger metre went up sky-high. =*=
This actually happened in December last
year, mind you… And yes, I still remembered it, since it pissed me off quite a
bit.
Yes, I was pissed.
…How many times have I used the word “pissed”
in this post?
…Oh well, my friend(s) never ceases to
piss me off. x) Partly because Depression makes me easily-irritated, and partly
because I have a bad personality… (unless I’ve had Depression since I was in
elementary school, then it’s definitely related to my personality. I’ve always
gotten irritated, annoyed and angry at pointless stuff since I was a kid. I’ve
gotten better since entering middle school, but then Depression kicked in. So
then, oh, back to easily-irritated with everything pointless! 8D).
…Even their face(s) pisses me off
sometimes. Never mind how, ‘cause I don’t really care, ahahaha. xD
So then, so long,
From,
Mage-chan~
