Falllll

Hey, guys!

I just got to watch a video of one of our performances in the recent competition - it's a formal competition in where bands and orchestras of state schools competes against each other. :)

One of my fellow musicians had uploaded a recording of it onto facebook, but if I sent you the link or upload the video, then you'd know what school I go to, would you not??

The song we performed is called Shannon Falls, by some random. It's somehow related to something called "Sea to The Sky" or something like that, I believe.... :/ (I vaguely remember it being written underneath the title. :P)

Now, when you listen to it (if you ever will), please be aware that this is a live performance, as well as that it's a recording of a recording. ^^

Also, a warning. Because it's a recording of a recording, when you listen to it... turn it down to what, half-volume, and stay away from the speakers, AND DON'T USE HEADPHONES!! It will kill your ears... especially the first note.... =="
(And there's also a part where it goes "forte", so do brace yourself for a sudden increase in volume! ^^)

Oh, and the background? I recorded it with Photostory, so I just picked any random photo... I'm sure you guys can't understand it, anyways! (another reason why I'd picked it, actually) :P

Just so you know, the real thing sounds wayy better than that! XP

School Life; Assessments After Assessments

I finally finished my second last exam for this term.

I now just have 4 assignments and one exam left until school holidays come round again. ...which would then come more exams and assignments, and the cycle continues.

The exam I'd done earlier today was my [2nd] Japanese Speaking Exam, something that has been freaking me out for quite a while.
I did it, and when sensei said "arigatou", I was so shocked I turned speechless. "...Is that it!?"
"Yes, that was it."
"..." I blinked. "I... I see..."
It was insanely easy, and she asked me those questions, what is your name, how old are you, what grade are you in, what are your hobbies, what do you do on Sundays, what did you do today...
Most of which I have already known for a while, and what I was worried over didn't appear much (て form, time), and the exam itself didn't last long, unlike my Year 9 one.

And even though sensei had straight away told me that I got an A, I was still worried over my results. Which didn't make that much sense. Maybe it was because my Reading Exam still needs marking. But then again, the Reading Exam was easy as well...
Usually when I finish an exam, I'd feel relieved that I'd finally finished it, with few difficulties. Or if it was lots of difficulties, I wouldn't worry about it too much since there wasn't anything I could do to change my results no longer.
But somehow, today, the feeling lingered. The worry didn't lift off. I can still feel it now.
Maybe it's because the draft for my English assignment is due this Friday and I haven't even started yet. I have to write a prologue or epilogue for To Kill A Mockingbird. But I have no idea what to write about. However it's only 400-800 words, so I'll be able to finish it in one day.
Or it could be the Maths exam. But then that's also strange. Never in my life have I ever felt this worried over a Maths exam. Simply because Maths is easy, and I've always been confident enough that I was sure I'd get at least a B...
Or maybe with the Science, SOSE and Italian assignments?
Science is a presentation, pairing up with a classmate to present to the class about climate change, or other such related topics.
SOSE is another presentation, about diseases.
And Italian is a brochure about the region in which we are in - I have to advertise it. Something I find myself stuck on... I don't go out, I don't know any restaurants, I feel extremely forced having to praise Australia so much...

But now that I've finished the exam that had been worrying me the most, I can change my focus into the other assignments and in catching up, since I'm still like, 10 weeks behind everyone else in the Year 10 class... =="

Oh, but wait! There's also somewhat good news! I may be able to take Economics next semester! :D My other friend and I were just saying how we'd wished that we get to do Economics in Year 10 Sem 2, but it wasn't in the list, so we thought our hopes were lost...
But when we went onto the computers for [fake, preparatory, just to see] Subjects Selection, Economics was one of the subjects we could do! ><
...but then again, if not enough people pick the subject, there won't be a class.... I don't think there will be that many people, personally. I mean, not many actually knows what Economics is, do they?? (I have had a couple of people asking what it is once I'd mentioned it before, you see.)

So, yeah, that can, once again, lead to total disappointment. Yes, so logically speaking, it wouldn't come true anyway. I should actually forget about that chance, now...

Also, today, I'd went to school with "be silent" in mind.
I was pretty silent, most of the time. ...And when I actually spoke to my friend in full sentences, I regretted them. ...so next time, tomorrow maybe, I should stick to the rules. :D

Blah Blah. I Feel the Need to Smash-Mash My Brain.

Someone come kill me now. Kill me now. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me!!

It doesn't have to be a person, a bomb, an explosion, a fire, a sword, a gun, whatever!!
I don't care whether it's painless or not any more!!

I want to freakin' die!!
Gaaaaaaahhh! I don't care if I have regrets, I don't care even if I don't get to say anything, I just DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hah.
Hahhh...

School now kills me: I just had an argument with a fellow friend on the Australian Government and the Australian Education. She's most probably winning. (I don't know. I can't tell!!! But I think so!!!)
I suck at arguments anyway. I'm a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl after all.

But the truth is... do I really care?
Australia's Education makes me want to kill myself. =="

Ohhh, I'm such an unreasonable person.

I've been trying to not be pessimistic, pessimistic, die, die, die, kill, kill, kill lately, but I guess it's impossible if what has made me so frustrated is slapping me in the face, and that I see it 5 days a week.

Oh, every time I think about Maths, I always have the sudden urge to bang my head against something!!!

And when I was into my emotionless phrase - I didn't think about it, I ignored it, I worked, I studied.
I decided to not give a crap, because giving a crap was just wasting time, and a big pain in the ass.

And I am going to pull back that mindset now. Emotions annoys me even more than Australian Education does.

Well, actually, what annoys me most of all, out of everything else in the entire universe, is myself!! :D

How to Make This Sound Gentle and Nice; Impossible. Besides, I'm Evil, I'll Tell You That.

I despise optimism. I'm sure you've heard me say that, like, a thousand times already.
Something that I despise more than optimism is stupidity. (and I contain a lot of stupidity, so I hate myself quite the amount, generally speaking)

And by this time, at this moment, I can't count the amount of times I wished I was dead.

...I'm finding it quite hard to get the message I want across right now.

One of my optimistic friend had declared that she "was trying to help me"....

It pissed me off so much I almost smashed my computer.
Well, okay, it didn't piss me off that much. I'd just exaggerated. But it did piss me off considerately.

What was she trying to help me from, exactly?
Pessimism? DA HELLL!! I like my pessimism, and my pride will not allow myself to be helped by someone who believes in optimism that much! And she sounded like she made a blog about optimism to help me... =="
But probably not. ...Hopefully not.
Besides, the only thing that blog does is annoy the hell out of me and trigger my contentious self. XD


And for god's sake, why is she helping me?? She should just... just... do nothing and continue working towards her own life! I'm sure there are other people in the freakin' world who needs more help than I do!!
I'm just one of these many, and so I should just be ignored! Actually, unless you're here to kill me, everyone should just ignore me!! I'm sure everyone had more important things to do than paying me any attention!!

Also, I'm perfectly fine! There's nothing wrong with wanting to die (personally I think it's totally normal, since we live in this sort of world), and there's nothing wrong with a little pessimism. =="
So! If you're perfectly fine in every way - and you think that your mind is perfectly fine as well, and someone comes and tells you that "they are trying to help you", wouldn't you be pissed!??

Ahahahaha, I only find myself despising optimism more. :P (optimism bliiinndddsss youuu)

Well, then, that's all for now. :D

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

Me, Being Evil, Insensitive Me :D

Ahh, it's quite amusing.

You know Anon? That commenter [that called me a bastard, an asshole, and a bitch]? :D

My reaction to his comments was: "Oh, you're absolutely right! I totally agree with everything you say! I am totally a selfish, self-centred bastard! My exact words, a few posts ago, actually! ...oh, and thanks for commenting! It was good knowing your POV. :D"

My Friend No. 1's reaction to it was: "Mage-chan!! Anon! XD It's so exciting! ...It's always good to have competition." < That was after she read my Oh, yo~! post, though, so she already knew that I wasn't upset or anything. :P

My Friend No. 2's reaction to it was: "You must be the type of people who enjoy seeing people's reaction! You have no right to call Mage-chan an asshole! If I know you in real life, I'd punch you in the face right now!!"

Aaah... what an interesting world we live in. :) [But still, that doesn't make me want to live in it, either]

Uniqlo

Oh, my. It doesn't sound Japanese, but it's a Japanese... thing.

A while back a friend of mine mentioned it briefly in an email and I had absolutely no idea what it was, but I didn't ask either. :P [I'd suspected that it would make myself appear considerately stupid, since he said it like it was something very well-known and normal for people to know about...]

Today I decided to google it, and discovered that it was a retail (?) company!
And they also operate in Thailand, it seems, something that I'm not really surprised in - I mean, look; we get translated anime, manga, light novels, drama series, and even drama CDs from Japan, Korea, China and even Taiwan!! XD
I'd expect no less, from our bond with the other East Asian countries!

And I'd expect no less from myself to never have heard of such a company, either. Simply because I have no interest in the fashion industry... and I don't think I have time for such an unimportant interest, either...

The Hatred and Stubbornness of Me

I'm a girl.

Yet I have a strange hatred and resentment towards most things girly.

Pink is my least favourite colour. Looking at certain shades of it makes me sick, and it's pink...
Dressing up is a pain in the ass. It is. And a waste of time, too.
Parties are boring as hell. It's also tiring, loud and a pain.
Shopping [for clothes and accessories] only wastes money and energy. I don't need new clothes, so why do I need to spend my money so wastefully?
I refuse to look at a photo of some guy and scream "kya~ kya~" like some crazy person. I just do.
The amount of times I've used cosmetics on myself - in my whole life - is still in single digits. They're extremely uncomfortable, and there are other reasons.
I refuse to spend any longer than 20 minutes in the bathroom. I don't need any more anyway.
I refuse to spend any longer than 15 minutes getting dressed. As above.
I refuse to spend any longer than 10 minutes doing my hair. As above.
I refuse to wear a dress unless absolutely necessary!! They're uncomfortable, makes me want to crawl into a hole, and are a great pain.

And I sincerely hope I will continue to remain this way. :D

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

Anime Expos and Anime Conventions; London, USA...

So, just from reading two of the blogs I followed, I found out that both London and USA (in some certain state, don't know where exactly, and it's not really important) both had an Anime Expo/Convention on the same weekend!!

Me: DAAAAMNNN YOUUUU!!!

:P If only I was back in Thailand...

But oh well... ><

Whats isdiss??

This morning, at approximately 11.30am, I awoke from my deep slumber to the very *cough cough irony cough cough* soothing sounding music of my ringtone, Triple Baka by Hatsune Miku. (+ some intense, amazingly loud vibration on Andriod-chan's part XP)

Firstly let me tell you that I usually wake up at around 12pm on weekends. :D

It was my friend wanting some help on an assignment that was due tomorrow.
Usually I would be pissed if I was awoken from such a peaceful sleep, but since it was 11.30am and not 9am like past experiences, and since I just wasn't in the mood to be annoyed, I meh-ed it. :P
Besides, if she hadn't woken me up, since I was in such a deep sleep, I might have slept until, what, 2pm? =="

Still, it was wonders that I didn't get annoyed.

And now I'm really happy because I've finally finished the above-mentioned assignment... but then that means another one will come straight afterwards!! DX

Oh, I want to disappear off the face of the earth [in other words, a more complete version of dying]... :P

Optimistic Positivity!

One of my many optimistic friends has created a blog, and it just had to be about optimism. :P

If you go on it, you'll discover that I am, once again, being a fractious, contentious, annoying prat and have left a very pissed-sounding, irritation-inducing comment in the first three posts. XD

"You Don't Have Any Reason to Die." "I Don't Have Any Reason to Live."

I always receive a mixed feeling whenever I hear [or read] those things where people talk about how you shadn't commit suicide.

I'd be a little annoyed, a smidge irritated, and maybe a little proud... and maybe a few more feelings that I can't name (simply because I am an idiot whose English leaves much to be desired).
I'd once watched this girl who is blind since she was 9 months old and is short of one arm [she had to cut it off because of some certain abnormality in it]. She said that people have told her that seeing her determination to live on had stopped them from committing suicide. The MC/Commentator/TV show person then asked her what she'd said as a response to that person. She'd said that [well, something along those lines], "You see me, I'm blind, I have cancer, I'm missing an arm, yet I still have a reason to live. So for what reason is it that you'll commit suicide?"
Everyone clapped at her words, but I was extremely tempted to smash my own thoughts into her face.

I hate life, I don't want to live. That's the reason I want to commit suicide (I'm not going to; I just want to ==).
I know how people have dreams in their lives; how some people have things that they want to accomplish one day.
Yet I can't seem to empathise [and maybe even understand] all of that.
I still think that life is pointless, I still just want to die as quickly as possible.
So my reason to die is because I have no reason to live, very simply. :D

The more days pass by, I have this feeling that I'm just getting more and more stupid, and I'm losing more and more control. By control, I mean that I feel like I'm... going insane.
Sometimes I become extremely frighten that I would suddenly start literally throwing a real tantrum at school. ...Man, that would be terrible. ==
Besides, lately, I've been feeling that, not only have I been talking too much, I've been reacting too much as well. I sometimes feel like I'm unnecessary exaggerating things, unnecessary reacting or caring about pointless things.
I feel like I'm straying off, too...
There isn't much else that I should be concentrating on apart from school [and work, but that doesn't need much concentration].

I'm such a hypocrite, I annoy myself. Well, there are lots of other factors about myself that makes me hate myself; hypocrisy is simply just another reason.
I want to follow the plan that I've set out for myself. It's best to just remain emotionless inside but smile on the outside, don't you think? That way everything would simply just run smoothly, no distractions, no disruptions, there won't even be depression or sadness, because you'd be emotionless anyway. :)
Emotions are such a pain it makes me want to brainwash myself so that I can be without them. =*=

The Adventures of Literacy... and Thoughts.

This post relates a lot to this other post of mine. I'm just pretty much repeating myself again. :P

Writing have somehow turned into one of my hobbies, during the past few years.
...must be because of Four Leaf Clover, with its apparent success and ridiculous length and longevity.

Personally, I think I am not that great at writing.
All of my fiction so far are failures - Four Leaf Clover included.

I do not have the ability to create short stories. =.="
I wish I do.
So far I've started around 30 stories, and none of them have faced a decent end. Neglected, mostly.

I get all of those ideas that forces itself into my head, and then I'd start a story. And then halfway through - maybe even earlier than that, I become stuck. Then I'd get Writer's Block. Then the story is as good as dead...

And yet I don't ever stop starting new stories, even if I knew that one day they'd all face the same sad fate... =.="
My newest was started only last week, and it involves a magic theme... and people fighting in wars... you know, that type of heroic, touching action adventure story. :P
I'm determined to plan out this story!!! (which I'm sure will also end in more failure!! ><)

It's all so annoying - things that I'm good at and things that I like are some times different. For example, I'm very interested in Geography and Economics, but Social Science [SOSE] is one of my worse subjects ever. Economics get an extra boost though, since I'm good at Maths in general...
And I also like Physics and Chemistry, yet I seem to suck at everything Science...

No, actually, now that I think about it, I might not really have any subjects that I'm really that great at.

And somehow, reading has turned into something painful for me. :/ ...which I do not like. Because I like reading... I think...
I remember that I used to always read - that I loved reading novels, and reading manga.

But lately, every time I pick up a book, fanfiction, or manga, I'd always be forced to pull myself away. After reading something my eyes would be extremely tired and I would feel like I require sleep. :/
And I just can't enjoy something that is so time-consuming like reading any more, with everything piling up...

On the other hand, I'm quite glad that I managed to drop a lot of my hobbies [because they waste a lot of my time]. Actually, I think it's best that I don't have anything I like at all... that way I won't have anything to run away to in times when I wished to procrastinate. Simply, I won't have anything that I'd want to do. So I'd have a higher chance of staying on task.
[I hate myself for being so in-discipline. :/]

I felt that I've avoided blogging more than usual, but since I'd posted the post saying that I won't be blogging much anymore, I've posted once every two days. O.o
Which surprised me, since it felt like I'd left quite a gap... but apparently I have not.
I'm going to deduct that it was because I've been busy this week, so it felt longer.

With that said, I hope I'll be able to stay away for a longer period every time. :)

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

If Only I Was Index*

*Index is an anime character from To Aru Majutsu no Index who has a photographic memory.

This is impossible.

I feel the need to scream, to throw a tantrum, to kill, to stab, to bang, to slam.

What's impossible? Mastering the て Form is.

Now, I am not that retarded or extremely slow, stupid or anything of that kind that makes me impossible to learn anything.
Mastering the て Form is possible - very possible. But mastering the て Form in two days when you exclude school, sleep, and 3 hours of part-time is freakin' impossible.
For me, anyway. :/

~

Also, I have an update to add to my Exams.

Three more exams have popped up this past week.

The first two - I have landed myself two more Japanese exams; a Speaking Exam and a Reading Exam. I talked to my new teacher of my new Year 10 Japanese class, and she wants me to do the Year 10 exams so that she can write my report card... At first she wanted me to do also do the Listening and Writing Exams.
First let me explain that the Speaking and Reading Exams is supposed to be done in Term 1, while the Listening and Writing Exams is in Term 2. And technically speaking, if I want to pass the Listening and Writing Exams, that means I have to learn everything in Term 1 and 2... in under a week!!! So I told her that it was just impossible. So then we decided to just do the Term 1 exams - the Speaking and the Reading. ...but learning everything in Term 1 in under a week is still not that easy. :/

And the other one - a Mathematics Exam... which I don't have that much against, but I still... for some reason, I am unreasonably worried about failing it. Oh, for god's sake! I have never gotten anywhere near a fail mark in Maths before, so for what reason am I so worried about failing? (By the way, to me, usually, C = Fail. B = Not that great, but acceptable. A = ...yeah. 'S good, I guess.)

Hahh...

The other day, I was going through some of my Japanese homework which I was "catching up" on.
My friend who was doing Year 10 Japanese was also sitting there.
I did one of the activities then asked her, "Hey, is this right?"
She took a look at it and then said, a little airily, "I don't know... We didn't look at it much."
...which pissed me off considerately. I would have bashed my head against my books if I'd actually been intelligent enough to come up with the idea then. Instead I'd stomped the ground, slapped my knees with the books in my hands, and took deep breaths... it was another unreasonable irritation, after all.
...Seriously, I'm so unreasonable I can't believe someone can be so unreasonable! I'm the most unreasonable person I've ever known [in real life]!
Then I did something I ultimately regret. Despite the fact that my friend didn't look like me jumping around and abusing myself with books in frustration bothered her at all, I explained why I was annoyed. ...I really should have just remained silent. 
Even my explanation in itself was a total failure.
I was annoyed because that was my first time seeing it. I haven't even read the textbook on it yet! (mine's still shipping). And here she says "we didn't look at it much". Now, compare "this is my first time ever seeing  this sentence structure" and "we didn't look at it much"...
:D

Yes, that is all.

...I really should just continue remaining silent! I've been talking way too much lately. I should try to limit my speaking to... what, hmm, maybe 20 sentences per day? :D

I should record everything I say for referencing for improvement. :)

Idly Translating; อยู่คนเดียว

อยู่คนเดียว (lit. Staying/being alone, the act of being alone) is a Thai song; a pretty popular one, too. 
(Google it if you want to listen to it :3)

I personally think that the song itself sounds pretty nice, but the lyrics are also interesting... pretty cute.
I am in a procrastination mood, so I will translate. :P

~


อยู่คนเดียวกับตอนเย็นเย็น 
และก็ไม่เห็นว่าจะต้องมีใครใครมาเคียงข้าง 
อยู่ลำพังกับความอ้างว้าง 
นั่งมองดูแสงรำไรของดวงตะวันจนลับไป 


Being alone in the evening,
And I don't see why there needs to be someone beside me.
Being alone with the loneliness,
Sitting there watching the light of the sun until it disappears.

เหม่อมองจันทร์ที่ลอยขึ้นมา 
ดึกดื่นอย่างนี้แล้วเพื่อนที่มีที่ดีที่สุดคือหมอนข้าง 
อยู่เหงาเหงาอย่างคนที่ปล่อยวาง 
ก็อยู่อย่างนี้จนชิน 


Absent-mindedly looking at the moon that is rising,
This late at night the bestest friend there is is your pillow.
Being lonely like someone who doesn't care,
Being like this until I'm used to it.

ไอ้คนไม่รู้ก็คอยจะถามทำไมไม่หาใคร สักคน 
เข้าใจ และรักจริง ก็ทุกคน ดูแสนดี ดูจริงใจ 
ก็ยินดีที่ได้เจอ แต่ no no no no no no wo wo 


The people who don't know just keep asking,
Why don't you find someone? Someone, who understands, and truly loves you.
That's because, everyone, all seems nice, seems honest, and is glad to meet, but no no no no no (wo wo :P)

ก็เพราะเวลาฉันรักรักจริง 
มันมาไม่นิ่งเหมือนตอนเธอมาทิ้งไป 
คนมันรักมาก มันก็เลยเสียดาย 
มันปวดใจจะบอกใครก็ไม่ช่วย 


It's because when I love, I really love.
It didn't come as gentle as when you'd left me.
Since I'd loved so much, it'd hurt.
(My) heart aches; it doesn't help even if I tell others.

เพราะรักเองเจ็บเอง ก็อยู่อย่างคนไม่มีแฟน 
จะหาใครมาแทน ก็กลัวว่าเขาจะมาซ้ำ 
ก็เดี๋ยวนี้คนน่ะใจดำ เลยคบกันเที่ยวแบบขำขำ 
ก็เจ็บประจำ ก็เลยต้องอยู่คนเดียว 


Because I was the one who'd loved, the one who'd gotten hurt, so I live like a partnerless person.
Even if I were to find someone to replace, I was scare that it'd repeat.
Since people these days are mean, we just date and holiday like a joke.
Since we get hurt daily (a lot, often), so I have to be alone...

~


Then it's just the same verses as above repeating itself. :)
...well, that was much easier than I'd expected. Well, translating Thai to English is much more easier than translating from English to Thai, but since Thai and English are two very different languages in many, many aspects, I find it quite difficult to make it sound nice (yet make sure the translating isn't too different to the original) once translated...

See You LATER~!

I want to complain, yet I don’t want to at the same time.

I guess it’s about time to abandon blogging!

…

Yeah, it’s probably better to keep all my unhappiness, despair, confusions, rants, annoyance and irritation to myself. :3

Affected by Anon’s comment in many different ways, and since I was planning to give up almost all of my hobbies a while ago anyway, I guess it’s timeeeee~!

Because I will not do what Anon’d suggested; to tell myself that I’m not depressed. Besides, I haven’t been depressed or in a State of Depression for a recorded time (a little over a week, I think). His comment and reminder sort of pulled me back a little, but meh. I’ll get out of it soon, and who cares anyway!

I’ll just do what I have done; I won’t even think about depression at all. It’s been shoved into a neglected corner of my brain. (but was pulled back a little by Anon’s comment…. Yes, I’m blaming you!! I’m a selfish, self-centred, annoying bastard after all. XD)

Actually, now that I think about it, I was just about to let go of depression, and then you came along to evoke my thoughts on it! The hell!? Didn’t you read my recent posts? It’d finally flew out of my mind, and then you brought them back!

Oh well. Your POV was nice to acknowledge. Except [now, several hours later >< yeah, sometimes I’m slow like this] I’m pissed at you somewhat, and I’m... the type to hold grudges… :/

I also curiously wonder what other people’s reaction would be if you say that to someone else? Would most people just ignore it? Would they get upset? Cry, depressed, sad, etc? Hmm…. :/ 

Being called a bitch and an asshole was pretty overwhelming (not so much the selfish, self-centred bastard though - it's just that, since I don't use those words, I've never associate myself with them, but "selfish", "self-centred" and "bastard" are words I associate with myself regularly). :P

Plus, because of Anon’s comments, I feel the need to not ever mention depression again…

And so it doesn’t leave much for me to talk about, besides I don’t have the time anyway. My mind just needed ranting space, and since I can no longer/have no need to rant, there’s no need to have a blog!

Well, okay, blogs are totally unnecessary in the first place…

So then, maybe I’ll say something every once in a while, but don’t expect the same amount of posts like usual! X) [Which is quite a lot, I’d think, mind you…]

At least I hope that’s what will happen… [Me and procrastination!! DX]

P.S. Dear Anon, there is one thing I disagree with you; I do not blame everything on depression! Actually, I don’t often blame anything on depression (at least my [pretty bad, actually] memory tells me otherwise)! And even if I do, it actually means that I’m blaming myself, since I blame myself for getting [fake, mind you] depression in the first place!! Because, to me, in the end, everything is my fault! :3

[Since I’m a fractious, contentious, selfish, self-centred, annoying, pratty bastard.]

…I guess being mute is the right action after all! ^^

Lately I’ve been talking too much; I should really focus on not giving my opinions on anything, because in the end it usually just leads to my own annoyance. So let’s not try to annoy myself. :)

(something I’m sure I’ve mentioned lots of times already… it must be annoyingly repetitive. Sorryy. DX)

It’s all simply logical thinking! :)

And I guess blogging is also a type of talking [communication], so it’d have to be add to my Silenced Strategy… is what I’m saying.

Ugh, this issue has captured all my attention; I need to return to studying like hell mode!

[Good thing I don't have to work at lunch time tomorrow since we're not busy lately! XD]

Bye byes!

From,

Mage-chan~

Befuddled

I'm feeling so weird, and I'm at a lost.

I've been strangely, abnormally tired lately.

And today I've been extremely inconsistent in my moods meter. Pissed, annoyed, happy, glad, sad, depressed, motivated, amused, proud... the hell? =="

Having an inconsistent mood is tiring and annoying. :/ But generally, I'm actually a hyper/high, somewhat cheerful/talkative fractious person, so my mood is always inconsistent anyway. :P

Now I'm being extremely senseless.

But Now I'm Freaking Out!

Oh my god, I just took a look at my "overview".

Today this blog already had 56 pageviews!! The hell!?
That's surprisingly high...

I Feel Dead

I feel dead.

For some unknown, mysterious reason, at that. Which sucks, because I want to know why... so then I can properly ignore it and continue on doing what I need to.

It's annoying, because I don't like being ignorant, especially more so if it's about myself. =*=
(that's why I was glad that the anon commenter commented, but that's irrelevant)

Yeah.............................................................................

Down the Drain

Goodness, my motivation to not go into a state just disappeared down the drain.

Sinking~

Hahh, I should be studying right now but I just feel like banging my head against the wall. :D But, nyeah, I'd better go study, because time is precious!!

Yep, that's all. :)

From,

Mage-chan~

Oh, yo~!

Hello All!

Did you notice these comments in the recent posts? :)
No? Then ignore this post! There's no need to pay any attention.

They made me amused (don't have any energy to laugh outright, and my mum would think I'm crazy if I suddenly start cracking up...) [oh, well, they ticked me off a little, too, but I don't have the energy for that either]. Because that person, he (please do forgive me if you are of female gender) was telling me things that I already know!

Yes, (as I have stated before), I am a selfish bastard! As I have stated before, I am self-centred, annoying, and lots of things negative!
As I have stated before, I'm surprised I even have any friends!
(I have not yet called myself an asshole or a bitch, though... ==" Sorry, my language choices aren't that bad yet... I'm still trying to remain an obedient, sensible student.)

YEP, I AM A SELFISH, SELF-CENTRED, ANNOYING BASTARD!!!!

Okay, there we go. All clear. :)
I'm annoying, so if I annoy you... then I annoy you.
Apparently to some, I'm not annoying, but people have different opinions! And to my own opinions, I am annoying! :D

However, there's also another thing that I worry about; if my depression really was fake... then how bad would real depression be!? Oh my goodness, I can't begin to imagine how their brains and their surroundings could feel like! ...I'm very surprised that there would be anyone suffering from depression now!! Because if my depression was fake, then that means that real depression would be considerately worse, and if it was worse than my [apparently, fake] depression, then I'd be surprise that those people haven't committed suicide the moment they felt all that despair!!!
Ah, now I feel like worshipping those suffering from depression... I could barely stand it when I was in a state [which, apparently, is fake], so those people who're still alive have quite a lot of perseverance!!!!
Since when I thought that if my [fake, it seems] depression got any worse, I might actually go mental and really commit suicide... but now it's been revealed to me! Depressions are worse than this!
...which will make me repeat myself; I'm really, really surprised that there are people suffering from depression [still alive]!!

(Also, if my depression really is fake, then you can't trust the BDI!! I answered truthfully in every question, so if my depression really is fake, then everybody out there shouldn't believe in it. ^^ [Seeing that it told me that I have Severe Depression a while ago...])

Okay, that aside.
Those sort of comments that usual upsets people, this is the first time I've actually gotten them. I'm feeling somewhat, strangely excited, something that would probably piss off the commenter considerately..... (I'm sorry, like I said... I'm annoying!)
I try and attempt to be unbiased in everything, including my view on life [except that "life" has already been categorised in my head as something totally pointless and worth dying for]. But it's impossible for me to guess every thought and every reaction out there!

So it's good that I got a new POV from this anon commenter to add to my thoughts. :)

[Also, dear commenter, I don't want a life!! I want to dieeeeee!!!]

The End of a Week, the Start of Another...

This is a summary of what happened today and lately, I guess....

Goodness gracious, another week has already passed by! And next week, I have more exams to come!

So, lately, I’ve been despising Science a lot like usual, loving Maths + dying at the sheer uber-ultra easiness of it, at a war between like-n-dislike with English, loving the teacher + actually failing at the subject in SOSE, enjoying and working hard in ICT since it’s quite interesting, slacking off like usual in Italian, trying to catch up + go ahead, if possible in Japanese, hating and despising and slacking off at Work Education like usual, and ma’ violin neglected in the corner of my mind somewhere, like always.

I’ll have to try my best in catching up in 15 weeks’ worth of work in Japanese – I actually don’t have to do all of the tasks from the very start of the term, but I will! Because I’d feel unfair to the other students, and it’s better for me to learn this way. :)

Presently, my mind is in a weird sort of state – it’s extremely laggy, tired, and considerately depressed deep inside, but in my conscious, I’m not in a state of depression. My mind’s too occupied for such things… no, I’m just too busy for such things! I don’t have time to waste with more pointless moping!

But, but, my desire to die has not decreased at all! Oh well, wanting to die isn’t such a big deal.

Now, you know how in the above I have stated that I’m loving the teacher in SOSE? :P

B-sensei is awesome; you never really learn what you need to know, but you learn lots of other things instead, and you’d rarely ever need a pen or pencil in his classes.

At the moment we’re studying the History and Geography of Diseases.

And somehow we ended up discussing – well, B-sensei ended up talking to us about, “how our generation is the first generation to not be able to cope with death.” To him, he’d said, that death is just normal, an everyday life thing. He said that our generation is the first to have counsellors and such come to the school if someone here dies. He also said that he couldn’t understand why we’re so upset and can’t cope when someone dies.

I don’t disagree with him at all, except I think that the reason that our generation is unused to death is because we grew up in the era of development in where medical science has improved vastly. So that means less deaths occurs, and we who grows up in the middle-class society doesn’t see much of it no longer, and aren’t immune like the older generations.

Quoting B-sensei, “The risk attached to loving someone is to know that they’ll have to die someday.”

And according to him, “Deaths and taxes are the only things we cannot avoid.” XD Ahahaha, lol.

Also, earlier today, a new takeaway menu arrived at the restaurant – the “prototype” anyway.

The front page looks terrible, and so does a few more things (the text inside has been enlarged though, compared to the current one). :/ Who the hell designed it??

But the thing that’d caught my attention the most was this big line on the front page, “The Best Thai Restaurant in [ENTER SUBURB NAME HERE].”

I was like, DDD8!!! They… They have such nerves to use such a line! How!? How did they come up with this idea!? How shameless must they be to be able to use this line to associate with our restaurant!? I mean, I’d have had no problems if they’d used the word “food” instead of “restaurant”, because our food really is awesome, but, the word is not “food”!!

I decided to not use them unless totally necessary; I refuse to let them out into the outside world! ><

Also, we got a complainer. A weird one.

This woman called approx. one hour after she’d left the restaurant – to complain about the table she’d been seated on! She complained that the table was not to her liking (but a lot of other customers really like that table).

Da hell? Ain’t it a little late to be saying that?

I hear she sounded drunk, too.

After my boss had hanged up, I asked her what it was about, exactly. Deducting from hearing only one part of a conversation doesn’t always result in a precise answer, after all…

She said that the customer had complained that one of our waitresses didn’t understand what she’d been trying to say and weren’t able to communicate, etc. etc. (she also complained about the table, though, but this waitress was also the one who’d seated her, I’d think)

Then at that very moment when my boss had relayed to me the customer’s complaints, that very waitress walked by and decided to play with my hair. =*=

…I think she was trying to get herself fired.

Well, she didn’t understand what we were saying, of course, since we were speaking in Thai, but the boss was standing right in front of me, so if she had enough common sense, she wouldn’t do that in the first place!!!

~

And once again, for some reason, I want to sleep. And it’s barely 10 o’clock. My usual bedtime is at midnight, and even then I’d usually – almost every day – still be feeling quite awake.

But yesterday I actually went to bed at 11.20pm, 40 minutes later than usual. I was actually yawning, at that time of the day!

I wonder if it was because I was feeling bored, though… :/

Hmm… since I’ve had this same schedule (work 5 days at night, + Sunday lunch, go to school, etc) for a while now, I shouldn’t suddenly become tired so quickly…

Dammit, it’s annoying. =*=

The Desire to Die, = The Desire to SLEEP

Blugh.

If you'd read this post already, then that's good.

...today after coming home from school, even though it's my long-awaited day-off, the only thing I really wished to do... was SLEEP!!!

But there's never nothing to do; I need to catch up in Year 10 Japanese; that's 15 weeks worth of studying! And I need to do it as quickly as possible, but I also need to absorb everything in properly, otherwise there'd have been no point in studying it!
And there is still the SOSE exam and the Science exam next week! The hell, we still haven't received the Maths assignment for this mid-term assessment yet!

...*sigh*

I want to sleep.

Forever.

Blah Blah Blaaaaahh - Written Yesterday, Posted Today...

Goodness, this is so weird.

I never knew crying (?) uses up so much energy. I cried after school today, and at work I felt like I could drop dead!

Well, I think it was because I was crying but I’m not quite sure whether that’s the cause.

Hah! Do you want to know why I’d cried!? >.>

I finally finished a Taiwanese Light Novel series called The Legend of Sun Knight, and the pre-climax of the last volume was so, so sad!! Well, okay, it wasn’t “so, so” sad, but it was sad enough to make me cry!! (And my eyes are so tired!)

This series so just ultimately awesome. I’m really attached to the characters, especially the main character, so the fact that I’ve finished the series saddens me a little as well. But, I guess I’ll just continue to read Yu Wo’s other works! Because so far all the ones I’ve read by her are awesome!

They all contain some form of comedy – The Legend of Sun Knight makes me cracks up laughing! (But it also makes me cry, because Grisia is… how he is). Half Prince was also hilarious, and No Hero... I'm blaming the translator!!


Yes, I'm going to blame the translator with the fact that No Hero somehow isn't as interesting as Yu Wo's other works - it's the translator's fault!
Because the content is clearly interesting, yet I keep finding myself putting the book down! And also because Yu Wo's writing style is slightly different than to what I'm used to, especially if I compare it to The Legend of Sun Knight, or the English version of Half Prince. (but then again, the main characters have totally different personalities...)
Damn you, translator!

Rushin' Around - Japanese Exams~

Today was a pretty busy day for me! And I was also annoyed because everything just had to land on almost the same time!

Today, my violin lesson time and the time I'd scheduled my Japanese Speaking Exam collided! (I'm doing Japanese through Distance Education, for those who doesn't know.)
And because I didn't have a Year 9 Japanese lesson... wait, this is a bit complicated.

Let me start from the start.

Year 8 Japanese is the very beginner Japanese. I was put into this class at the start of this year since I've never done any official Japanese with a proper teacher before.
But I was too good, so they moved me up to Year 9 Japanese. :P
But then I was too good again! ...okay, they wanted to move me up so that I can do Year 11 Japanese when I'm in Year 11 - this way I can get the extra points when I graduate. At least that's what I think. So one day I received an email from my Year 9 Japanese teacher saying that my work has been very good, and that I can move up to Year 10 Japanese if I wanted to.
I took the opportunity. And so, this week is exam week, and I have to do the End-of-year Year 9 tests.

I don't have a Year 9 lesson today because of NAPLAN (those of you who ain't Australian - NAPLAN is practically a compulsory nationwide numeracy and literacy exam for Year 3,5,7,9 students [National Assessment Program - Literacy and Numeracy, I think, from the top of my head])
So I am free to choose whether I want to use that as a spare lesson or to go to my normal class, which is Science.

Our school's schedule goes like this: Period 1, Morning Tea/Recess, Period 2, Period 3, Lunch Break, Period 4.
I usually have my Year 9 Japanese lesson in period 2, where my normal class is Science, which means I miss Science once every week. Period 3 I usually have a Work Education class, but this week my violin lesson landed on this spot - as did my Speaking Exam. The "make-up" time slot for violin lessons is in period 2, and it's split into the first half and the second half - my teacher told me to go to the second half.
So I decided to go to my Science class, then to the make-up lesson, because the Science exam is also looming near.

In the end, I ended up doing this:
Science for 20 minutes, then rushed to a make-up violin lesson that went for 20 minutes.
Then I went to my Speaking Exam that went for around 23 minutes.
I dashed back to the music block to continue my violin lesson - which was supposed to be at this time, anyway, which went for approx. 30 minutes (- usually the lessons takes around 50 minutes).
Then I went to my normal class at that time to catch up - in 20 minutes, before that period ended!
And while I was relaxing since it was lunch time, I remembered that I'd intended to do the last of my Japanese exams, the Writing Exam, at that time!
So then I rushed to the "International Education and Languages Department" to grab my exam, which I rushed in doing... a little. I finished the exam which was meant to go for 40 minutes in 25 minutes just in time for last period. As the bell signalling students to head for their period 4 class rang, I threw my pencil down, rushed out of the library (in which I was doing the exam at), and dashed back to the "International Education and Languages Department", put my finished exam in the right folder then hurried to my period 4 class, trying to not be late.

All in all, it was a very successful day! :D

...So, talking about exams. The Japanese exams were ridiculously easy!! Way too easy!
I easily did them, and definitely passed them, without even studying! No, really. I didn't study. Not really, anyway.
Because I didn't feel the need to - I remembered what I'd learnt when I'd studied them, and so looking at everything that we've already learnt just makes me feel like I'm wasting my time, since I already knew everything! I just flipped through the textbook and revision sheets to make sure that I haven't missed out anything, but that's all.

The Listening Exam freaked me out, but not because I thought I would fail - seriously, who made those recordings!? It was so weird, and they were talking unnaturally slow...
The Reading Exam was also insanely, ridiculously easy...
Truth be told, I guess the only ones I'm really worried about are the Writing and Speaking Exams (if this is the Japanese ones we're talking about, that is)... the hard ones. ><
About the writing... well, I'm never sure of myself anyway! Even if I couldn't have made it any better, didn't rush, studied all day and all night, I'd still be worried over it! It's in my nature!
After I'd finished the Speaking Exam, my illogical mind was telling me that I must've failed. But at the same time my logical mind told me that I would've at least gotten a pass. Even if sensei had said those words to me after the exam, "Your pronunciation is outstanding! Your ability to change verb forms on the spot is amazing!" ...and other such praises. But even with that I cannot hold on to the certainty that I will retain an A! Because even with those words, I could still get a B, even a C! Oh, the devastation! ><

I want an A, no, I want all As on my Japanese exams! Because I've always been adept at learning the language, but I've never been officially assessed before, and these were my first Japanese exams in my entire life!
I feel a strange sense of dread, accomplishment, development and progress!

One Sentence

I had a conversation.
One that somehow just made me felt so at peace that I was shocked. Shocked at how the hell one sentence made such a difference.... first let me tell you what happen.

My friend who reads my blog, also the one I was talking about it this post and this post.
This morning I went to school.
We just greet each other like normal, with me being fractious and annoying like usual. >.>
After talking for a while, I asked, "did you read my blog post?"
She flashed a smile, nodded, clicked her tongue quietly and gave me a thumbs up.
Me: "..."
Her: *turns back to talking to the others*
Me: "..." Okay.
I was a little bit surprised, since I personally deemed it pretty big, what I'd said. But I guess it was just me expecting too much. :)
And since it was just me expecting too much, I just put it aside and continued on.

Now, there was another friend, who I am going to call... James. :D Let me copy the conversation I had with him on fanfiction.net, through the PM system. :)
Moonlite Streak is another friend of ours. She's an avid fanfiction reader and an aspiring fanfiction writer. :3
The first PM is from me, btw.

Subject: Dear you, the one who is acquainted with Author Moonlite Streak.

Forgive me if I am mistaken, but do you happen to be someone whose initials in real life is J.T.?

Yes I am...
But who are you?
Yesterday, 2:34am

Who am I?
Hmm, let's see...
Number 1, I am human. Yes, I know it's quite obvious, but I could've been a computer program!!
Number 2, I am laughing my head off at this moment in time because this is simply hilarious.
Number 3, I am of female gender...
Number 4, I am psychic! (How'd I have known of your initials otherwise?)
Number 5, I know WHO YOU ARE!!! (Because I am psychic!!)
Yesterday, 6:49am

LoL
what are your initials?
I have yet to figure out who you are...
Yesterday, 5:10pm

Hmm, my initials? They are something I shall not reveal!!!
So then, just being nice, how about I give you a few to pick from? R.W-T., R.F., M.M. (me 8D), N.P., B.T., A.H, E.T., or M.S. (Moonlite Streak)?
Yes, the last one is just there because it is. However it is still a choice that you, sir, are allowed to pick from! And so are B.T. and A.H., the unlikely ones that we all would never imagine to be browsing on this particular site, let alone to find them reading Moonlite Streak's fanfiction.
Use your inner psychic powers, sir, and find out who I am before the Day of the Moon arrives! Because then it will already be too late...
The secret will be revealed, and so this will all be in naught.


Later~ :P
Yesterday, 9:37pm

If you are of female gender then why would they be BT or AH
I'm gonna guess
MM?
Today, 1:40am

Oh, yes, you're right. Please forgive me for adding BT, AH and ET to that list.
The fact that I had already stated that I am of female gender had escaped my mind at that moment in time.

Now, dear sir, why do you think that?
What clues, what signs, did you consider, to come out with that answer?
I wish to know of your reasoning and deductions.

The truth will be revealed soon, do not worry.
I just, very simply, wish for some suspense.

I would like to tell you this as a clue; I am one depressed soul yet no one seems to notice. It saddens me a little, but no one need not care about I anyhow. :)

Ciao~
Today, 4:00am

On Monday morning I did tell him that it was me. :D
And then later on, during last period (Italian), I'd idly said that "...no one really notices, lol, ahahaha." to myself, half to him, under my breath.
He happened to be walking over (he has godly ears!!! O.o), "You know, people do notice."
"...not if I don't say..." I replied. It was a fact. Another friend of mine said that she didn't noticed that I was depressed or anything until that time she overheard me crying about my lost USB (not literally crying with tears, but I was half-screaming).
"..." There was a short pause. "...they don't, but you... you need to say..."

But the actually sentence that I'm going to talk about is the "people do notice" one. After he said that, I felt strangely at peace. :3

For the second time in my life, under the space of three days (!), I really understood what those mangas were going on about when they talked about the greatness of friends. :)

But now it makes me wonder!!! I sound, and my actions say, that I'm... a lonely girl who has no friends!?? DA HELL!??
I mean, someone tells me that "people do notice" and I get happy? ...=.="

Ahhh... oh well... after he said that I did my Italian speaking test which I had been dreading a little.
I thought that I'd failed miserably, but the teacher said this: "I was very impressed! This is definitely worth more than a pass!"
...so I guess an A it is then! My teacher is that kind of person anyway... :D

So the only things left for me to worry over (for now, until more comes later ==") is the Japanese Speaking, Listening, Reading and Writing Exams, English writing test, Science Exam, and then the SOSE Exam... Hahh... it never ends...

...I hope it ends soon. :P

I Feel The Need to Bleach my Brain

I really need to stop this. I really, really need to stop it. I really, really seriously need to stop this.

Something is wrong with me... wait, something has always been wrong with me... >.>

I keep being so fractious around one certain friend; technically speaking, we were quite close, but...
And I don't know why, I'm only fractious to her! I'm being such a prat!
I need to know why, so that I can fix it! (yes, it's me forcing my own brain, but, you know!)
As I continue wondering, I came to a possibility that may be true. I get jealous of others extremely easily, especially when it's about their abilities and intelligence... actually, only if it's about their abilities and intelligence.
And this certain friend had quickly and suddenly appealed to me as an extremely intelligent and talented person after another friend had commented on it.
Actually, rather than jealousy, it's also because I feel extremely inferior to them, which in turns make me feel extremely stupid and like a failure, and I don't like it?

...WHAT THE HELL!??
I hate it, why am I so petty, why am I so hateful!?? =*=
I should be happy that a friend is going well, right?? Right???
But I only care about myself, that's why I want to be the best!! That's right, oh, my! I just found the reason. 8D My self-centred and narrow-mindedness, I see.... Hmm... That's nice! Now it'll be easier to change, if I knew what the problem was! :)

Goodness... I need to change my mindset!

Also, I'm such a Slytherin!! ><

...Actually, There's More to the Problem... There's Never No More to the Problem... T^T

You know how I'd said that the only problem left is my stubbornness?
NO! That was a lie!

My confidence is also a problem...
And my negative thinking hasn't exactly disappeared. It's hard to not be depressed and yet not be optimistic. ...I refuse to become an optimist! I will remain a pessimist!
Well, if possible I'd prefer to stand in the middle, but that's a bit hard to do...

I mean, I know that being optimistic would be best for a good mental health, but I don't want to become an optimist, simply because optimists annoys me!!!

Hahh... Oh well, I'll just go with the flow for now~

Warning: Unwise Reactions May Lead to Suicide

You know what I'd just said my last post?

My friend had once said, "I hope one day something will happen to you and you'll be all happy, and, etc.!!"

You know, now that I'm half-out of my depression (you never know, it could just be tricking me. >.>), if she brings that up, I might decided to return to being depressed just to stop her from being happy by that statement!!
[Since I'd said that it was probably unlikely then.]

So let's hope she picks the right reaction when I meet her next...
Or my pride will make me return to being depressed; no reaction might also make me return... this is going to be one hard problem to solve... :3

Pick well, lol. :P

[Then again, if I'm in a really good mood, no reaction will be able to make me return, most likely...]

Something That is Hard to Achieve Yet is Always Wished For

Dreams~
Goals~

I believe almost everyone would have the above?
But I myself haven't had such a thing for a while now, and the only wish in my head had been "to die a quick, neat, painless death soon".
But since I'm not brave enough to commit suicide and I've already put that thought to the side anyway, maybe it's really time I stop pointlessly moping and just live this pointless life.
Before I got into my ultra-depressed state, but was just being pessimistic and purely logical, I thought I'd go in the Economics direction.
I used to want to be an architect, when I was little - because I was good at maths, and everyone says that I'm great at art - but no!! I very soon realised that I lack something quite important or an architect! And that's creativity! I have an extreme case of boringness and repetitiveness)!
And so in the end, the only subject that I can rely on myself to succeed at was mathematics. And I have an interest in the state of this terrible world so I thought I might study Economics! I find it all pretty interesting, too.

I'm glad I took a part in the Sharemarket Game, despite the fact that we'd failed miserably. :3

Now, maybe I'll just come out of my pointless moping - you see, this is what I think; depression was caused by myself, by my own negative thinking, by my own worry, by my own stupidity. So if I was the one who'd caused it, only I can stop it!! If I didn't want to, then there'd be no way in hell that I'd be able to get rid of it!
Of course, I'll probably remain fractious, but that's something else.

And once I'd acquired depression, every possibility became an impossible, every hope became despair, and every wish became too far to reach.
Everything looked much harder, everything was just out of reach from stupid I; the future was dark, dark, dark and there was no hope.

But you know, it was just me running away - something I'd known all along, but didn't stop myself from doing it. It was because I didn't want to risk anything, I didn't want to try, I didn't want to attempt, because I was convinced that I was going fail everything.
But underneath that thought, I also knew that I was being illogical. If I didn't try, didn't risk anything, didn't attempt, then of course I wasn't going to succeed in anything.
But I continued running away.
Because I was scared - you know how I keep saying that I was a coward. Well, personally I think only cowards get depression. Because when I got depression, all I really wished for was death - and that's just more running away - running away from life.

I knew that I was wasting my time with depression, with despair, with everything.
I knew all along that I should just abandon all this pointless moping and just focus on getting myself a good future, because depression won't get me anywhere.
But I refused, because if I'd stopped being depressed...... let's just say it was just me being stubborn. :P

But I don't think I give a damn any more. I'd better stop being pointlessly stubborn. =="
Yep.
And this is the result from talking to my... new friend, the same person I'd mentioned in the A Coin Standing on Its Edge, Teetering post. ^^
I don't know, I guess talking to someone who'd already experienced life more than I have helped? Because the only ones I have been talking to are my friends, who're just [unintentionally, I believe] making my depression worse day by day!! But hearing him saying that he went through a tough time, yet is still trying makes me feel so bad, I thought that I'd better stop this!!!

Even better, he'd majored in Economics, something that I [probably] will also major in!!
...
Now I'm feeling really excited!! 8D

The only problem left is my pride; my stubbornness. I refuse to work out the economy for Australia!!!
I don't want Australia to become rich!!! Dx But I can only do it for Australia if I'm learning from the university in Australia!!
Ah, what a pain... =="

Oh, well, if I just ignore the part how Australia's education was what caused me depression, and Australia's uber annoying laws and regulations that are just too freakin' many that it's extremely irritating, I might return back to liking Australia somewhat. :P

Aah, amazing how a random, quick chat and a friend can change one's mindset. xD
This is the first time that I'd ever agreed with the "friends are nice; friends are important and they help you, etc." saying thing.
Because... I don't know... I think it's because I feel extremely restricted in real life to say or do anything, so I'm not as open as I am on the internet. Plus, like I said earlier, talking to someone who'd been through hard times already helped immensely. :3

...now let's just wait and see whether a State of Depression would return.

...but I feel really refreshed right now! :D
:) All thanks to my new friend..... sorry, does this sound creepy? ><

しゅうまつに、なにをしますか？

Title going Japanese!!
And no, I'm not really asking you for an answer... although you may tell me if you wish. :3
For those who doesn't know what it means; "what do you do on the weekend?" Lit: weekend on, what do?


When I was little, I loved weekends just like any other normal kid would.

But when I reached around Grade 3, I began to slightly dread each weekend that would come. The reason; weekends are usually when the restaurant is busiest.
I'm lucky to have a job - I've actually been working as the restaurant's cashier since I was in Grade 3!!
I knew that on the weekend I'll just face the severe hellish days that the restaurant always get, and I'd be tired near death. :P (exaggeration, yes)

But now I'm beginning to rejoice for the weekends once again, only just recently.
It's because I don't have to go to school - but it's not the "no school" part that pleases me, it's the "free time during the day" part - I needed time! I need more time!
If not, you guys can abandon this blog since I'd then have no time to write! I'd have to drop all of my mangas and animes, and fics! And my own stories will be forced to go on hiatus!

A time machine would be extremely useful! Or a Time Turner - I want Hermione's Time Turner!!!!

A Coin Standing on its Edge, Teetering

It's so strange, yesterday I was in the worst mood possible, since I made a [somewhat] drastic mistake at work. :3
The mistake was still in my mind when I woke up, and it is still in my mind right now, but I didn't feel as depressed about it as I did last night, going so far as to write a will/dying note. :P (which I didn't get to finish yet)

My attention was pulled away from it by a certain book that is just so awesome. It's a Taiwanese Light Novel by Yu Wo - two of her works has already been published as manhuas as well, and those two are my favourites!; 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight!! :D

They are so hilarious; you can read [some of] the light novel translations here or here. (do beware the name differences)
Currently, both 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight hasn't been fully translated online yet. But I have the whole The Legend of Sun Knight Light Novels in my possession, ahahaha! (If readers who are desperate wants to see what happen, I may be convinced enough to write up a detailed summary. :3)
Translating them won't work, because they come out sounding not as smooth > although I think I should practice my translating skills, lol...

Anyhow, today's title is a little more poetic than usual...
A coin being a metaphor of my mind - it's not that complicated. One side of the coin is the depressed side, and the other side is the happy side, lol. :P

Anyhow, I wanted to make a blog post.

But all of my drafts contains some sort of depression, however at the moment I don't feel like purposefully making myself depressed. Because I should indulge in a good mood when it's here - I'll turn into a bad mood at work anyway, because some of the waitresses' face just somehow annoys me. :P

I was in such a bad mood yesterday, too...

I guess it sometimes ring true, this "you should speak to someone" advice.
But the last time I talked to someone about my depression, it only made me more pissed - I think it's just because the other person only said stuff like, "why are you so depressed?", "what made you so?", "you shouldn't worry/think so much/be so hard on yourself, etc.", "you have to talk to someone!" and other annoying sentences.
They don't really understand - or rather, to me, it feels like they're not trying to understand at all, and I feel like they're only thinking about the top - the front of the problem, but this is something that needs to be fixed from the very core of it - if I continue thinking so negatively, then the outcome will continue to be the same.
Hah, I shouldn't be saying all this - it's making myself look stupid.
Anyhow, the reason I brought the "you should speak to someone" advice - I talked to someone, but it wasn't exactly about depression, and it just put me in a good mood. Since my friends make me so irritated so easily, I barely have nice, happy conversations with them anymore.
Plus, this person I talked to is, umm... on the same wavelength as I? His own words. :3
Pretty much, unlike my friends who are pure optimists (hah, so of course I'd be pissed at them ><), he... umm... understands?
No, I hate using this word!! It sounds so cheesy!!!!

Yes, so let's just drop that subject! (and I was the on who brought it upon myself... ==")

But now it's time I get ready for work. T^T

Later!

From,
Mage-chan~

Death Note: Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases

I am currently three fourth through this book.

There are some hilarious bits in there, I'm telling you.
However the third murder creeped me out; more easily so because I am alone in my house... and the sun has already moved on... no, that's not right - this part of the globe had spun away from it.
I mean, seriously. It had me visualise a certain scene that scared me a little - a corpse lying on its back in a middle of a room full of stuffed animals (plus two voodoo dolls) with its left arm and right leg completely cut off from its body - the leg was dumped into the bathroom of the house, and the arm was taken away by the murderer, namely Beyond Birthday.
It would've been totally fine if it was still daylight, however it is not. And I am alone. :) In the house, anyhow.

Most of the funny scenes involves L in some way - you know how he is!

Also, Mello does a fine job at narrating the story! Although I wonder when the heck he wrote this thing... it must've been after the Kira case, after L died, but it must also be after Mello died, but the narrator is Melllo! And Mello is saying that Kira should read this, and that he might be the second to read it after Near does... which means that Light is still alive. But what make the least sense is that Mello had talked about his own death!
...it really makes no sense. Who knows, maybe all will be revealed at the end... :3

Anyhow, it's a good book, I guess.

The humour is nice. :3 I like humour.

Reading about L bring tears to my eyes.... :P

The More Days Pass By, the More I Hate Life

Goodness, every second that passes by, the more stupid I am starting to feel, the more frustrated I get, the more hatred I have towards Australia, the more I hate myself.

Every single teacher is starting to piss me off with their slow lecture and repetitive explanations.

Every second wasted makes me feel like my future is ending, continuously falling down the hill.

The more I see my friends around me, the more I realised that I am nothing but a stupid girl out of million others, some which are more intelligent than me, some that are more stupid than I.

But if you're not the best, then you're just a loser. And I'm not the best in anything. In my age group, in this school alone, I am not first in anything. English, Maths, Science, SOSE, Italian, Japanese, ICT, Music, in none of my subjects, am I first.

There can only be one winner, which means that the others are virtually losers. So that technically means that I am a loser.

Every problem that I can't crack; makes me want to bang my head against the wall and wonder how stupid I can be to fail some problem set by this damn country.

I'd always thought that I was good at Maths, but I am also slow and can only focus on one thing at one time. Plus, I didn't manage to get a 100% in my last two tests, and yet my friend managed to, so I'm just not good enough. Plus, the teacher is beginning to annoy me (the cause is my classmate though; they're too stupid, so he has to repeat himself continuously or answer obvious questions, which in turn annoys me).

English, I'd never be perfect at, and my hatred for it has steadily increased, so I don't think I'll ever come out with too good a mark.

Science, the teacher can go die in a hole, if he doesn't want to teach us anything.

SOSE, ain't my subject. I can barely remember any historical events of the world...

Italian, it's too similar to English to have my liking...

Japanese, it's fun, I like it, but I'm still not as good as some people...

ICT, there's still that person who's better than me...

Music, I just suck at it; my friend says I am a good violinist, but I dare say she's ignorant and can't even prove what she's saying. I can barely remember any scales (only C Major, D Major, and A Major), I can't tell what note is which when being play, I can't count steadily, I can't read music notes too well, and there are at least one part in every song that I don't know how to play. And there's even evidence to prove that I am terrible - I'm at the very back of the second violins!! Generally the best sits in 1st desk, then so on. And I am LAST, in the SECOND violin. Technically speaking, I am the worse in the whole orchestra. :3 And yet she says that I am "GOOD"!???? GOODNESS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE'D EVER HEARD ME PLAY SOLO YET!!!! (well, she has. But that was 3 years ago. Doesn't count. And I'd sucked then, too. Didn't even know how key signatures work.)

Okayyyy, now I'm pissed again. =.="

Goodness, I'm so... fractious. :3 Describes me pretty well, doesn't it? I'm a contentious, fractious prat~

I despise stupidity even more than optimism. And I have loads of stupidity, but I try my best to not receive and show any of it. I hate myself so much; I hate myself because I am just so stupid.

I was stupid enough to get depression over Work Experience. I mean, come on. I'm not actually serious, right? Depression? Over Work Experience? That, is just hilarious. :3

I'm so weak and stupid that I feel like laughing my head off.

Haaaah... 

Back to talking about my violin skills again, when ma' friend had told me that I was a good violinist, I was actually pretty pissed, but somehow... I managed to hold it in!?? 8D Oh, GOD!! ...I just blamed myself again, because what I wrote down had made her said that. 

My fault again~

But then again, I can't possibly gloat and boast and lie about my violin skills. Because I don't really like lying, especially to myself. :/ So... I guess I'll just have to endure any other future occurrences.

Yes, endurance. 

Another key action that has kept me going. I'd have to endure everything and anything.

Endure, endure, endure, endure, endure, endure. 

I have to endure and stop myself from seriously banging my head as hard as possible against the wall.

I have to endure and stop myself from walking about and punching my teachers in the face.

I have to endure and stop myself from jumping in front of that incoming car.

I have to endure and stop myself from screaming at everybody that talks to me. ==

I have to endure and continue living the hateful life.

Oh, god dammit, now the word "life" makes me want to stab myself or to abuse the wall...

I Heard That Repercussions Means Consequences or Something Similar

After my last post, the friend who'd said that "if you think about something hard enough then it would come true one day" responded to my post when we met the next day at school.

When she'd told me about it a while back, I'd looked at her and said, "..."
She was like, *nod, nod* "It's true, it'll definitely come true one day if you think it will!"
"..." I gave her a look that was between a glare and doubtful. "Like hell it will..."

But for now, since it's in my favour, I might as well think that it's true, so I posted it, my mind thinking in a joking mood.
Next day, she said this, "...I mean, you'd have to like, do something about it as well as think about it, for it to really happen..."
Me, "..."
"And it only works for something positive!"
Me, "..."
Oh, gosh, that pissed me.

My reaction-message: How the hell does that work? Only for something positive!? That's so contradicting! If "something will come true if you think it will" is true, then it would also stand the same for negative things! Because if you don't think that thinking about something negative will make it come true, then how will positive things!? If positive things can come true, then why can't negative things!? And there'd be no point for the "think something positive will come true and it will" rule if you didn't think that "think something negative will come true and it will" rule is true! Because then that means that you think that thinking about nothing will come true, however they're both about thinking about something!

Optimists makes no sense!!!!
Their reasoning is so contradicting!!
They're all just lying to themselves; they're that or awfully, mentally, psychologically blind, they're lying to themselves that the world is a great place. That only great things happen.
HELLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed now; I'm so tempted to go grab that knife sitting in the kitchen and stab myself with it to throw a tantrum and have the pain make my head clear.
But no, instead I am now hitting the underside of the table with my hand continuously. One because the kitchen is too far away to walk and two because then that would cause troublesome consequences afterwards like cleaning up and bandaging, etc.

Okay, just then, I just hit the table intentionally with my knee, but now I sort of regret it since I sort of sent my laptop flying upwards... and my laptop is extremely precious to my orderly, repetitive everyday life. :/ Let's not kill it any further.
I'd need to find something else to thrash and destroy...

Okay, I just hit my forehead with a table calendar that is sitting on the table. It was too small and light; I could barely felt it. It made a lot of noise, though...

Hah... I want to see some blood and feel some sharp pain that will hopefully make me wake up, but I don't want to do it intentionally (because I can only hurt myself so much - I definitely won't intentionally stab myself...*sigh*)... what a pain in the butt 'wants' are. ==

Okay, I Can't Stop Wishing to Die... That's a Bit of a Problem.

I find myself almost always wishing to die, to just mysteriously drop dead or just... disappear off the face of the earth, or any other world or afterlife that may exist.

That's a bit of a problem, since just wishing it most probably won't make it happen.
But apparently my friend thinks it will. However I'd said that she was wrong that she said that if you think about something hard enough, it will come true one day.
If that really was true, I'd be really glad. I'll wish to be shot quickly, painlessly and neatly in the head. Or for myself to have enough courage to commit suicide. :3

I'm wasting my time thinking about it. It'd be better if I'd acted for it. After all, if you want something, you'd have to give away something in return, right? You'd need to act for what you wished, right?
I shouldn't really just sit here wasting my time, just silently thinking about how much I want to die.

I'd better think about something else or just do it already.
I'd prefer the latter, but that's a bit too hard to do...

Sydney: Kinokuniya Bookstore

...I'd cursed.

Why, of all days, did there have to be a freakin' festival/event at Kinokuniya Bookstore? And a Cosplay Competition, plus an autograph session featuring several comic writers?
I don't give a damn.
Because, truthfully, I don't really care about Cosplay. Na. It's the truth. I'm not really interested in it, and I think the past year I was faking some excitement... not quite sure; after all they're just clothes. Oh, yes, now I realised. My "well, they're sort of cool, but I don't really care that much" towards Cosplay just turned into "meh, I don't give a damn about them - actually, I wish to never see them again in my entire life, if possible" because of my experience shopping earlier.

...I still don't know why I hated the shopping so much, by the way. ...I'm just hating everything at the moment, I guess, because I hate the world, so in turn I also begin to hate everything in it. Yes, maybe that's really it... Hmm... :/

So because of the damn event, Kinokuniya was hell crowded, making something that was supposed to be a happy moment for me terrible... I'd endured through approx. 3 hours of tagging along and spent around 20 minutes walking to Kinokuniya in the freezing, cold, windy air, and was finally at the location of desire...
And the world just had to put the damn event on today. =*=
Meh, I guess it's our fault for coming today. Yes, our fault..

I brought a Bleach book thing; it has all those extra information and stuff, plus something that I had wanted to read for quite a while now... and that's Death Note: Another Note, The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases novel :3. I was going to buy Bleach: The Character Book of Souls 2 as well, since I had the first book, but my money was short so I had to get rid of some stuff.
And there was another book that I had to return to the shelves; a certain series that I had wanted to read for a while, because of the main character's description. I'm sure I would like the main character quite the amount, (unless he changes because of some ridiculous twist in the story...) and the series that I'm talking about, is, of course, Sayonara, Zetsubou-sensei!! :D I was immediately interested in it as soon as I'd read the blurb at the back; I'm sure I can empathise with him nicely and not become annoyed at his attitude. :)
'Tis the blurb:

From MyAnimeList:
Itoshiki Nozomu is always in despair! Even simple things like paying for the toll on the subway can send him to a despair so deep only attempted suicide is the answer. How Strange is it then, that he should be the teacher of a High School Class filled with students with even more emotional problems than his. This great Comedy will leave you in anything but 'Despair' as you meet each of his students and watch their wacky adventures.

From AnimeNewsNetwork:
Itoshiki Nozomu is the world's most negative person. To his way of thinking, there is no hope or meaning in this existence. Even the three kanji of his name become the two-kanji word zetsubou, "despair", when compressed. What an ironic twist of fate, then, that he becomes teacher to a class containing his precise opposite, the invincibly positive-minded Fuura Kafuka

But if this series ended up being something that tries to make people think positively or has some sort of positive twist to it... I'd be madly disappointed. :(

Anyhow, apart from those books I just brought a few pencils and pens... that's all...

...Let me finish the post with this;
Ahh, how I hate living.