おひさしぶりですー！

Ahoy there, minna! It has been over a year since we last saw each other.

How’s everyone been? XD

After I moved countries I got kinda… occupied. At first it was just me being lazy to write anything, plus this blog was laden with depressing things – while I was like… pretty happy in real life, so I didn’t really feel like writing anything ‘cause it would just kinda, I don’t know, ruin the dark flow? Hahahaha.

Anyway, my life in Thailand was – is, exhilaratingly awesome (okay, not really, I exaggerated a little). I mean… I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

That probably sounded really idiotic. XP

Well, now that I’m happy it’s not like I thought I was stupid when I was depressed or anything (I mean, even when I’m mentally fine I can still agree wholeheartedly with my past depressing thoughts, haha). --It was a nice experience! Everything in life is an experience!!

But after actually moving countries… when I was in Australia, in the actual environment that was just, to be simply put, turning me crazy… it was just that. It was “an environment that was turning me crazy”.

But after moving, I’ve been treating Australia like one whole traumatic experience. It’s been over one year and I’m rather proud of myself for being able to continue treating it like one whole traumatic experience! Actually, simply “speaking in English” makes me feel like I’m going to get an upset stomach… really!

Earlier I said I felt so freeeeeee, but after starting school I really did feel restricted and bounded – well, that was because of all the [school] work piling in. But well…

I can easily conclude that it was a lot better than the “chains” in Australia. Yeaaah! XP (okay, sorry, I really do feel really idiotic, but…)

I can do so many things that I can’t in Australia – like, like… watching all the anime I can because we have unlimited Internet!!! ....…it’s the littlest things in life that matters, right? XD Hahahahahahaha.

But really, unlimited Internet really made my wooorrrlldddd. Having to pay the Internet myself while on a prepaid plan was just… yeah…….. how many dollars did you think I lost per week simply to Internet??? TT___TT

…that wasn’t Australia’s fault, of course. But still. It was part of the lifestyle I lead so “they’re all in it together”!!

School-wise, the lack of basic knowledge in some subjects had me on edge, but I was lucky that my friends – even though they actually learnt it and I didn’t – didn't really know it either (they just forgot). So I guess we’re almost on the same page… almost.

I guess my lack of calculation skills did hurt quite a bit, since it brought me problems with not only the subject of Maths itself, but also Physics and Chemistry. But it tolerable, seeing that my grades ended up being 11th in my year and 5th in my class. Surprisingly... and I thought I was going to fail!! +{}+

I’ve always regarded myself as a Thai person, and I do get offended when people tell me how “Australianised” I am… the idea is that I no longer want to do anything with that country? Hahaha…

I'm in school holidays at the moment, so I had some free time. Holidays here put me in such a good moooood. ---Holidays in Australia never does!! It had always been the busiest times!

I have so many books I want to reeaaadd, but having all these books available is already a great joy! Books in Australia are so expensive...

I came just for the sake of coming, by the way. A little sad when it's been left alone for so long, you know...

Lastly, I'm going to give you all a book recommendation. Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon. To be honest, it was only after I read this book that I decided to come blog a little.
This book actually made my tears appear a little, because it made me feel that all I've been doing for the past 4 years on my hobbies really haven't gone to any waste.

Ja na,

Mahou Mage.

Objection, Rejection.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, just didn't get to publish it. But the thought of this post was pissing me off because of a certain event that happened in real life...
So, someone complimented me.
I responded uncertainly, "okay..."
And the person said, "Say thank you! blah blah blah,"
"Huh?" I actually didn't even register that it was a compliment then! I mean, I knew what he/she said... I just somehow didn't manage to make the connection that "what he/she said" = compliment. I deduced that it must've been because my brain hates compliments so much that it subconsciously rejected it, so my mind didn't register it being a compliment!! XD

Now, onto that actual post I wrote a few weeks ago. I don't want to delete it, so I'm going to "get rid" of it by publishing it. :D

Every time I hear a praise or compliment (someone saying something praising towards me), I go nuts.
Someone says I'm smart?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm pretty?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm good at writing?
Objection. (Has happened before)

My brain would immediately and on automatic start finding evidence to deny the [not true] statement.

You know, when I get complimented, it would be best to just say "thank you" despite not feeling thankful at all rather than denying it, right? Or not?
I should just totally lie right? I should just pretend to be happy right? I should just pretend to be glad right?

I hate this sort of contradiction. ...I hate all sorts of contradiction.
Yet it's prettyyy common in my daily life. [As Earl Lloyd once (or was it twice?) said to Kururugi Suzaku; "This contradiction will kill you one day". Anyone who don't know what I'm talking about must go watch Code Geass. And now.]
Lying is best...
But I dislike lying...
Oh. I just realised. I should do what is best and ignore my own emotions. -__- How could I forget that.

So let's just go and say "thank you".

Well that was easy.

Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

It's a Curse. =*=

The moment I thought "I'm not going to forget this", I forget it.
I could blame someone on this happening, but I'm not going to. ...Trying not to.

Once again, my little USB goes missing. :/ =*=
Not so worried since I have a back-up copy from a few days back, on the weekend... (And the fact that there's a "This USB Belongs to...." document on it, as well...)
But still.
I lost/forgot the freakin' thing.

Yet again, UNBELIEVABLE.

I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it.
Just how much more stupid, idiotic, foolish, careless, and irresponsible can I be?
Maybe next I'll forget to hand in my assignment. Haha. Oh noes, now that I've said that it could become an omen and maybe I really will. -____-
My English isn't the only thing that's degraded. Although of course I knew that from a long while ago. ^^
I will now start hypnotising myself. -_-
I have to be more quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet.
Talking is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Do not ever mention anything about yourself again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again.
Complaining is also always unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Everybody hates you--- well, okay, that may not be true.
The world will one day befall upon you your punishment. One day. One day. One day. One day. One day.
Being sick is an invalid excuse for everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything.
Do not assume that forgiveness is always given to you. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not.
Don't stray. No swaying. None. None. None. None.
Be realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic.
Shouting is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Fake smiles should be kept alive as long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible.
Don't give up even if you're on the verge of death because no one really cares, not because you might achieve something. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.
I could be dying right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now.
You deserve to fail... no, really. But you already know that for certain and you haven't forgotten it once, so... wait. When did I start writing in 2nd person?? O.o
Meh. 2nd person sounds cool. Let's just leave it like that.

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan.

Liebster Blog Award 2012

This is soooooo late, but I had to whack my brains hard for some of the things, so... ><

The Rules:
1. Each person must post 11 facts about him/herself
2. Answer 11 questions the tagger has given you and give 11 questions for the people you've tagged.
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
4. Tell them you've tagged them.
5. Remember, no tag backs.

11 Facts About Myself:

1. I am a proud citizen of the Kingdom of Thailand. :D

2. I have no dreams, and I reckon I have no hopes either (arguably). (there's a manga/anime reference in there too, btw! XD)

3. My hobbies include writing, reading, and if you can call it a hobby; pointlessly worrying over things.

4. Interests include blogging, anime, manga, Japanese food, Japanese culture, philosophy, and possibly Maths.

5. I have 50% Chinese blood in me, although I almost always forget about it. But now that I have acknowledged it, I barely ever forget about it no longer.

6. I live in Australia.

7. If my memory serves me right, I've only failed a test once. In Grade 1 (Thailand), I failed the English test. 

8. I work in a Thai restaurant, and it is torturous, let me tell you.

9. Maths is my favourite subject. :D Mainly because it is all so easy, logical, reasonable, realistic, straightforward and usually obvious.

10. I am studying Japanese.

11. I play the violin, but I am terrible at it, and Music Theory threatens to mush my brain. ^^

11 Questions From glsmile:

1. Why do you blog?

Because I feel the need to 'let go', and I want to complain to the world about my petty, stupid problems and thoughts process. And to post my comments to other fellow anime/manga fans about certain animes/mangas. 

It's a good way of relieving stress, also because I don't like showing strong emotions outwardly (more so in the real world). And also because blogging is cool.

2. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Do NOT skip this question or answer "I don't know". Everyone should have SOME sort of idea on what they want to do. Don't think about paychecks.)

I don't know, mainly because I see no future. I see myself to be nothing, therefore I see nothing. 

I used to want to be an architect, then a mangaka (which is arguably impossible), then novel/manga translator... However, when I think about future jobs, I cannot not think about paychecks.
(Oh, and now it appears I may end up being a business executive, lol)

[My honest, simpler thoughts: I want to be a corpse!!]

3. Why do you want to be a(n) *insert profession here*?

Because being a a novel/manga translator would be awesome because I get to read good books/mangas and use my language skills at the same time!!

[Because being a corpse is painless, burdenless, worryless, and peaceful.]

4. Do you have something that you're truly dedicated to? What/why/why not?

Not really... but I do work for my mum's sake; she works every day, from day to night when she's already past 55 and it scares me to know that she could drop dead at any moment! And my dad, too. He's even older than my mum, and works hard...

5. What three things can you NOT live without?

My laptop, internet, electricity.
...pencils, books, paper...
Kindle, manga, word...

6. If there was one personality trait you would want to learn, what would it be? (EX: More kind, more forgiving, more happy, etc...)

This one is hard to name... I would wish to be more... forgiving. Less dissent. More open-minded. They're all different words, but they're saying pretty much the same thing... I guess...

7. If time stopped, how would you take advantage of the situation? (Don't be boring.)

I would finish and do all my homework in advance, walk into random shops and grabs money out of them (a few notes from each shop, so then they won't be troubled too much XP), steal a gun from a policeman and keep it for future uses, study ahead in everything, read/copy out/memorise the encyclopaedia, memorise the atlas, clean every corner of the house, go for a stroll in Buckingham Palace or any other holy, sacred, expensive, exclusive place, manually destroy something solid and tough yet breakable by human force, like a wooden chair (that belongs to some random, not me) (because I've always wanted to destroy something from frustration and anger, but have always held back; I want to really do it for real one day), exercise, master Japanese, master Chinese, master Italian, master French, master Spanish, master Latin, master German, master any language that I feel like mastering, write a proper novel, climb a building and yell from the rooftop, get decent at drawing, read all the books that I have been procrastinating on, practise/hone/improve my violin skills + maths skills + communicating skills + writing skills + IT skills + physical strength + endurance + stamina + agility, and possibly more... :D

8. What do you not like about someone else writing? (EX: Big words, love triangles, etc...) 

Too much description and words that I do not understand. I dislike love triangles too. Annoying complications, emotional issues that drag on for too long...

9. Favorite song right now and WHY?

Chasin' the World by May'n, OP to Accel World. Because it is catchy! And the main character and I are alike in many perspectives, so I really like this anime. :3

10. Who inspires you the most and why? 

No one inspires me. Unless you don't mind me taking that question in a negative way; who inspires me into writing all those negative posts everyday? Mostly myself, but there are others, too. Although I'd rather not say. XP

11. Do you have any advice to share with the people out there?

If you can, live life to the fullest. Be carefree, if possible. 

11 Tagged Peoples:
1. Little Thoughts and Dreams (I won't bother telling you since I know you're reading)
2. Thoughts of Interest
3. Well, Laugh!
4. Optimistic Positivity!
...(Dear Grace, I'm very tempted to put Elsewhere Everyday here!! xP)

11 Questions for Tagged Peoples:
1. What do you want to be in the future, and why? (why is optional) Likewise, please do not skip the question. You may put several [or many] professions down if you're unable to choose, or just the general direction you may be heading in.
2. Where in the world do you want to go to the most and why? (why is optional) 
3. What is your favourite [school] subject, and why?
4. I'll reuse glsmile's question, if that is okay with her: If time stopped, how would you take advantage of the situation?
5. What are your favourite things to do, and why? (just in general)
6. What type and genre of books/text do you prefer? ("type" may include fanfictions, novels, light novels, fairy tales etc., and genres is just "romance", "comedy", "mystery", etc.)
7. What do you strive for in life? (e.g. happiness, success, love, money, freedom, honesty etc.) You may answer differently to the example if you wish.
8. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be? (Hard question, I know. If you can't manage, I'll allow you to do one sentence.)
9. I'm seriously running out of ideas... umm... do you believe in the afterlife/nextlife/reincarnation? If so, which kind/one?
10. ...what is your preferred writing utensil? (mine is mechanical pencil btw XD)
11. If you could become fluent/learn any language in this world, it would be? (If you're already learning one, then say that you are learning one. If you want to learn another one, then say that you are learning one and want to learn xxxx)

Day by Day. Weeks by Weeks.

Like usually, when I'm in a tired mood, I feel like I need a break.... actually, I just lied. Usually when I'm in a tired mood, I'd not want to be alive, actually...

I always get that tired feeling on Friday afternoons... only to quickly realised three seconds later that I have work, followed by a short period of time where I spend doing things that I need to but aren't so important like school, work, the same, work... and then school rolls by yet again. This is another part of when I said that I hate restrictions. To realise that school was over for the week, only to realise that there's more work to be done, then the same circle breaks out yet again with no real break. Having this knowledge in my mind almost 24/7 makes me somewhat tired...

It grinds my motivation to study to nil... and music theory/class is sounding more complicated day by day. My brain is going to burst.

...But eventually, I'll get out of my tired mood. But then enter it once again, only to realise that there'll never be a break, once again.

Two assignments due this Friday, then a test next week... it's actually not a lot, and I'm glad that I finally get work to do since I've been complaining about the school/curriculum and all... which, of course, remind me of my own stupidity, incompetence and laziness. If I keep on complaining on how their are none, why aren't I doing now that there's one?
Well, I know the reason of course. The reason that I wanted work was the same reason that I'm not doing any. I hate the fact that we barely get any homework, and it makes me feel so ultra ultra ultra stupid and possibly ultra lucky, yet unlucky somehow...

However although I feel the above, I still feel like I'm not doing enough. There's too much free time. Too less work. Too much happiness, too much ease, too much of everything good.

I hate myself once again for feeling tired when I'm not even doing that much. Some people work ten times harder than me, and they're not complaining.

I've got it easy, I have to keep reminding myself time and time again...

I didn't believe my friend when she said that I'm "already doing so much" when I said that I wanted to get a second job... I didn't believe my friend(s) when they'd reckon that I "am too hard on myself"... back then I'd said "I have to be hard on myself, because then who else will?", seeing that my parents let me do whatever I like. (They're too nice, goddamnit. Oh wait, actually, it's because they're busy working putting food on the table~)
But the truth was that I didn't really believe them. I didn't think that I was "too hard on myself". I'm barely "hard on myself", actually... what does "hard on yourself" really means, anyway?
I think I'm extremely slack. That's why I'm blogging and not doing my assignment that's due on Friday. =*= That's why I'm not studying everyday. That's why I can't ever be good at anything. That's why I keep on handing in my Japanese homework late. That's why I keep on able to complain about things. That's why I'm not working everyday. That's partly why I hate myself so friggin' much... =*=

Term 3 Schedule, 2012 (UPDATED)

Here's the schedule for this term! \^O^/ (as opposed to this.)

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
8am	Sleep	IT Physics Work Ed Maths C	Maths B English IT, Jap Music	English Music Maths C Maths B	Maths C IT Work Ed Physics	Music Physics Maths B English	Sleep
12pm	Watch Anime						Watch Anime
1pm
2pm	HW/Study
3pm	CoffeeBreak	Bus	Bus	Bus	Bus	Strings  Orchestra	CoffeeBreak
3.3pm	HW/Study	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din		Write
4pm	Write	V–20mins	V–20mins	V–20mins	HW/Study
4.3pm	~~~	Computer	Read	Computer	Computer	Read	Thai
5pm	Work		HW/Study	HW/Study
6pm			Work			Work
7pm					ThaiStudy
8pm		Write			V–15mins
9pm		HW/Study	HW/Jap	Jap, Music	Write
10pm	Write	ThaiStudy	Write	Computer	Thai	Write	HW/ Computer
11pm	Computer	Thai	Computer	Read	HW/Study	Computer
12am	Sleep~					Read	Read

Legend:

Exe = Exercise

Din = Dinner

Jap = Japanese

V = Violin

Computer: free reign on the internet and computer, including blogging but not writing on original stories, and includes reading manga and playing Crystal Saga.

Thai: read, study, revise, do anything in Thai or about Thai and Thailand
Thai Study: studying with Thai textbooks

Japanese: Japanese study

Watch Anime: May be on the Internet or TV

Read: does not include online manga, but include manga tankoubons, fanfictions in Kindle format, light novels and novels

Write: includes blogging, fanfictions and original stories

-Where there is a “/”, it indicates that the first item is of limited material, so if there are none or it is all completed, the second item shall be the issued activity.

-a “,” indicates cutting the time frame into half, doing both equally.

-the “->” means that the first item is of a short time frame, and the second item will be the time frame’s main activity.

-Any activity that has a limited timeframe of less than 30 minutes or one hour will be followed by the next timeframe's activity.

Total Hours:

School: 30 hours

Work: 19 hours

Homework/Study: 7 hours

Japanese: 1.5 hours (plus the Study Periods)

Computer: 9.5 hours

Thai: 3.5 hours + 2 Study Periods

Read: 5 hours

Write: 6 hours

Watch Anime: 3 hours

[Blank]: 0.5 hours

Total: 84.5 hours, out of 168 hours, plus approximately 58.4 hours of sleep. 84.5 + 58.4 = 142.9, 25.1 hours left over...

~~

This is not my ideal timetable. If it is, there would be more School, more Work, and more Study. But that is unrealistic, impractical, and impossible. I don’t expect myself to study too much, so I can only put one hour at a time, to lessen the risk of me veering off the original intent, this way there is a higher chance of me actually following the timetable…


Note to Self:
Certain activities may be swapped if need be, as long as an activity with a lower level of importance does not over taken that of a lower one.
Level of Importance goes as follow, from most important to less important:
School
Homework
Work
Study
Japanese
Thai Study
Thai = Violin
Write
Read
Computer
Dinner
Sleep
Watch Anime

...hah...

...I'm in a tired mood once again. Which in turns makes me want to not do anything at all, let alone live...

Haaaaaaahhh... maybe it was because I wasted too much energy being excited about Cryptology, or maybe it was because I only slept for 5 hours last night, because I have to work tomorrow, or because I have to go to school tomorrow?

I feel like it's more because "I have to wake up tomorrow", but that's just my mental mind screaming because it just loves making itself depressed... possibly.

I really feel like doing nothing at the moment...

A True Story. Contradiction, Much?

I have a tale I wish to tell. It is a real story.

I myself found it hilarious, but that’s me only so maybe it isn't funny to others but more on the… disturbing side.

This happened on Monday, my day-off from work. Unfortunately a co-worker and friend of mine decided to take this to their advantage and pleaded me to help her with her assignment. Although barely important, I’d like you to note that she is a Year 12 student...

On Monday after school she came over – it was pure coincidence that she got there at the same time that I did. We entered my house and with the manners required of the house owner, I asked, "Are you hungry? Do you want to eat anything?"

She shook her head, "Nah, I’m really full. I just ate heaps of stuff."

"Okay," I responded with no continued insistency. This was the girl who complained almost every day about her weight and waistline. This was the girl who keeps telling me that she was on a diet. This was the girl who is planning on spending over $1000 AUSD on her clothes to her Formal Graduation Party. This was the girl that goes shopping at least once a week for new clothes.

I sat down next to her and began eating my dinner – I usually only have two meals per day, one before school and one after school, mainly because eating at school is inconvenient – a big pain.

As I read through what her assignment was about, I watched her eat the snacks that were on the table from the corner of my eyes, but didn’t comment on it. But then when I put down my plate, she stole a bite from my food so I finally decided to comment on it, "…I thought you said you were full."

"You were eating in front of me, so of course I’d start feeling hungry!" she responded defensively.

"…yeahh…"

"Go get more rice!" she ordered enthusiastically. I got up and grabbed the rice from the kitchen and gave her almost all of it. Including my part, it was more than enough to feed two people… it may not seem like much, but you must not forget that she was just "full" a few minutes ago.

She thought that what I gave her was too much, so she returned a small amount to my plate then began energetically eating her own share.

After she finished, and as I was writing out her assignment, she began complaining, "Ah. I ate too much. My stomach hurts. I need to take a poo." < this might be weird in English, but in Thai, it's actually pretty normal to say this, as long as you know the other person well...

"Then go do it."

"You know me; I’ll take forever. I won’t go now."

"Okay then,” I replied distractedly, 80% of my mind still on the assignment.

A few seconds later she started again, "My stomach hurts. I need to poo."

"Okay..." She complained "Ah! I can’t stand it anymore; I’m going to go take a poo."

"Have fun."

She returned around 15 minutes later from the toilet and sat back down.

Around 10 minutes after that she asked me, "Hey, don’t you have any food I can eat!?"

"…" I decided to remind her, "Didn’t you say you were full?"

"…" I myself thought that she probably took in all out in the toilet. ==

Then, feeling bored most probably, she went and used my treadmill (hoh, I have a treadmill in the living room! XD …I don’t even use it…), then moved on to the other exercise equipment – I don’t know what it’s called… Cardio Twister, was it? Anyway, she spent around 15 more minutes on that, then turned ecstatic when she saw the weight-measure thing (…I can’t remember what it’s called in English, sorry). She ran to it and weighed herself, then exclaimed cheerily, "Hey, I just went down a whole kilogram!"

Me: "Good for you."

She ran back to the Cardio Twister and continued on her expedition.

After 3 more minutes, she sat back down next to me. After 1 minute spent sitting down, she asked, "Hey, don’t you have any food that I can eat?"

"…" ...I kindly left her to her own devices...

Hi. Bye.

There are more than a few things that I want to say.

I feel like I haven't blogged in quite a long time, but in truth it's probably not even 2 weeks yet.

I don't know, every time I jump online, I'd open up my three drafts... then jump offline without writing anything new.
I dunt have the energy, possibly. Dunno why really...

If this continues, I probably won't blog in quite a while...

Today, Afternoon. ;)

I woke up this morning feeling strange.
One possible - very probably - scenario immediately popped into my head: sick?

I woke up a little earlier than usual, but then went back to sleep... and woke up at the normal time. I moved around, discovering that my muscles felt strangely heavy and slow, and were aching slightly. After a few more seconds I realised that my nose wasn't blocked, but blocked at the same time - blocked but breathable, thus how I didn't noticed the blockade at first moment of consciousness.
I blew my nose. I could tell right away that I was sick at that point... I wouldn't really want to tell how, but let's just say it was colour-related. :/

Like usual on the weekends, I got out of the room and went downstairs to grab my breakfast-lunch-dinner. :3
After I finished preparing, I brought it upstairs and began eating. After that, I wondered what to do for a few minutes. My schedule says that it's Watching Anime time, but there are other things that I have to do. I'd borrowed my friend's Music Book yesterday so that I can copy out everything that she'd written down for last Semester. That certainly won't be finished in a few minutes - I even skipped dinner yesterday for this. :O Although it didn't really make much difference though, I wasn't that hungry anyway...
So I got down to continue the copying. I feel sort of dazed - maybe it's the sickness... or whatever. My forehead is also warm, but not hot, so it's probably not too bad. As I continued writing, I found myself drifting.
Me: "I should be resting. I'm sick."
Other me: "What are you saying? You have to return this book tonight, so you have to finish copying this by afternoon."
Me: "But the sick are excused... they have reasons!"
Other me: "Nonsense. You don't have to sleep. Besides, the only thing moving right now are your hands. Other parts of your body are resting."
Me: "Hm. True that. But I have work tonight. I should rest for it, too..."
Other me: "Shut up. You have to finish copying this."
Me: "Alright... and I can't take a day-off either."
Other me: "You can if you really want to."
Me: "I don't mean it like that. I can't because I simply will not. Who cares if I'm dropping dead?"
Other me: "True that."
Me: "Why am I sick anyway? It wasn't even cold last night."
Other me: "Good question."
Me: "...hm... and last night I had a terribly runny nose... why is that? I didn't really run into a puff of smoke or a pile of dust anywhere for me to catch hayfever."
Other me: "Maybe your whatever-sickness now is because of yesterday's rain."
Me: "Oh yes! The rain!! :O Genius!"
Other me: "Stupid!"
Me: *accepts the insult readily* "Alright then, I'm going to continue writing now."
Other me: "Good."
Me: "But you know, if I don't rest it could get worse."
Other me: "Then make it not get worse."
Me: "...hmm... I will try to find a way, ahaha."
Other me: "You are the master of your own body and a master of your own life, no?"
Me: "Certainly. :) I guess I'll just think that it won't get worse and ignore this ever existed then it'll just go away, lol. And I'll probably feel better after a shower anyway."
Other me: "Although I doubt that it would truly work, go ahead."
Me: "Okay, I'll continue writing now."
Other me: "You're so stupid. Why do you keep getting off-track? And it's a conversation with yourself, no less! Outrageous!"
Me: "I know. =*=" Then I hopped on to write this before the Conversation with Myself flows out of my memory completely. ^^

Ohh, I'm so lucky!
I rarely get terrible sickness. :)
At the moment I only have a blocked + runny nose (it's so weird that I have both at the same time ==") and I just feel dazed and strangely tired. My muscles are just very slightly aching and they feel slightly heavy. And you know that dazed, heavy feeling where you feel like if you stand up you're going to fall over? I have that, but it's slight, too! XD
See, not much able to stop me from working!!

Well, there's still 12 or so A4 pages for me to copy, so I will now return. ^O^

Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

Second Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm, hm. :3

Started the day with Maths, which is good like always, although my emotions feel like they've just been abused. It's all that "who's going to be our teacher?" issue. I got my hopes up after hearing that our new Maths teacher could be one of my favourite teachers, but in the end it's false hope once again. But since it is Maths, I guess any teacher is tolerable since the subject itself makes up for it.

During Morning Tea, I was reminded by myself of my Silenced Strategy once again.
I simply talked too much.
The expression on a certain person's face that I saw after I'd realised that I talked too much made sure of the fact that I certainly talked too much. As usual, I disappoint myself -- oh wait, I didn't disappoint myself. It's more like I broke my own hopes, since I wasn't expecting much from myself from the start.

Period 3, I had English, which I was sure would re-mushed my brain.
Surprisingly, it didn't. Not much, anyways. Since we did activities that only requires the contemporary English. Phew.

Period 4, IT... yeah. Nothing much here.

Lunch Break, but I had a Japanese Lesson... which was uneventful like usual, but I was splashed with a small worry that we're starting Unit 5 yet I haven't even been able to properly learn Unit 3 yet. Unit 5 is clothes and season, Unit 4 is illness, and as stated earlier, Unit 3 is directions...

Now, Period 4! Period 4!
I had my first Music with A-sensei, one of my favourite teachers and violin instructor - I've had him for violin lessons and such, but never for classroom music.
God, I was totally expecting it, but isn't he one awesome teacher.
He crack jokes - maybe too many. Because I remember myself laughing 80% through the lesson... yet somehow ended up learning quite an amount. We're learning about the past music, and so he started us by giving us facts about the Medieval Period. I have to tell the truth; why is it so much more easier to remember than when I was taught this in SOSE class? I can even remember that the Medieval Period is between 450 and 1450! :O
And we were being taped! It's because a few of our class members are doing Music but on a different line - because their subjects didn't end up right, so they'll be doing it through the computers, and the Head of Departments of the Arts decided to tape our lesson for them to watch later! >//<

A good day. :)
Although of course I'm still worried about Japanese exams and homework, and about getting kicked out of Physics class...