I Have Been Really Not-Creative Lately... Subjects and Results, Interpretations and Happiness, Future and Possibilities.

It really annoys me still. 

They say our school is a really really good school.

It is.

But it never fails to pisses me off in ways that are... not entirely 'wrong' or 'bad'.

The whole Year 10 had a draft for an assignment due last week. The English department made it such a big deal by putting it in the notices and reminding their students every time they see them.

I don't like this idea. Isn't it the responsibilities of the students to be able to hand in their assignments on time? Isn't it their responsibility to remember? 

[What I say when everything is too easy...]

I didn't comment on this issue, but the above was really bothering me, truthfully. If they don't hand it in, then just leave them be and let them fail. If they don't have the motivation, then that's their fault. In real life no one would come to remind you to do your work. They'd just fire you if you don't do it!!

We're already in Year 10, goddammit!! 

I guess all this ruckus would be acceptable if it was in primary school. But we're not in primary school. We're already 'senior high schoolers'...

~~

…a teacher came into our class today and talked to us about how we can pick from either English or English Communication for our Senior…

When the teacher said, “You should consider English Communication if you are struggling in Year 10 English,”, I thought that “I’m struggling”. However it was already set that I was going to do English, because I’m passing it and am planning on going to university. And people would object if I say that I’m struggling, I was sure...

But then tonight I realised that I’m not struggling in Year 10 English. I am, indeed, struggling to get a VHA in Year 10 English… which is sort of different. -__-

On the other hand, I’m also struggling to get a VHA in IT and Music. In Music, I’m probably more on “struggling to get a pass/SA” though… It. Is. Too. Damn. Hard.

So far I’ve gotten a B+ for my last Performance assessment. Next is a transcription task; that’s alright, although my understanding of it is extremely blurry.

The composition, the exam, the essay… I. Will. Fail. Trus--- no, I can’t tell you to trust my words. Because I might be wrong. I’m never right, after all.

~~

I also got my Maths C assignment back today. An A+… but not 100%. For a moment I freaked out, but then I realised that the points that made my marks not 100% was the Investigation task. So then I meh’ed, because I didn’t put my hopes into the Investigation task much.

My friend also got an A+, with a higher mark than me in Knowledge and Procedures; I got 18.5/20 and she got 19.5/20.

When I’d heard she say, “I’m happy with my mark”, I almost screeched out loud; “How!? How could you be happy with just that!? Ridiculous!”

But I was the ridiculous one, ahahaha. -_- I actually can’t believe my mind had that sort of reaction. She was 0.5 marks away from 100%... who wouldn’t be happy? Ha, me of course.

Now, apparently anything that’s not 100% is considered a “failure” to me, even if the overall mark is A or A+. And I have an ominous feeling that I won’t be happy with a 100% either… which pretty much means that I won’t be happy at all!? WTF!?

I’m starting to suspect that I’m a masochist or something! I want to see myself fail so badly… although I know why, of course. Since I’m so annoyed by the fact that everything is so easy, I want to do something hard. And to also prove my stupidity to the people who are in denial and keep saying that my intelligence exists, I want to fail on something, too…

Keh. Kukukukuhaha.

Ohhh, then again, who gives a crap about all that!? I gave up caring already! I'll just do what I want and need to do then get a well-pay job, work lots, go on a world tour, then die a painless death!

...like hell it'll go as planned, though. Life always has a way to make you suffeerrr.

Something will happen.

Something will.

I just know it.

It just depends on when.... 

They say life is short, but that only makes me more worried about everything. 

Time is precious. Time never stops. Time moves so fast. 

Something will change.

Nothing can stay the same forever.

Life is short, but there is so many things that I want to do... but will never be able to. 

There's always a contradiction in my thoughts. I am happy right now, everything is good. That's why I really don't like the thought of future either. Yet I feel that I could've been somewhere better for the sake of a better future, and so that makes me miserable and I feel like everything is doomed to fail one day.

Since it's good right now and has always been, I  feel that it definitely will be bad in the future. It can't always be great until I die. That just won't happen. I just know it.

Definitely.

I'm always dreading the day someone I know drops dead. Even if I lie to myself that it won't happen, but I know that it's a very likeable possibility. 

That may be a 'bad' time, but who knows... since I know that someone I know will drop dead during my lifetime, I don't like the thought of being really attached to anything. Because I know that I will lose someone and something one day...

But then again, I don't care any moooooore.

Too tiring to think about. I think too much, I feel like I should feel more. But feeling is also tiring.

So I just won't feel any more... was what I wanted to do. But that's impossible!!

Grr. Why is everything so bothersome!?

Someone said that "they don't care what they do/what they become as long as they have fun/enjoy life"... it pisses me off!

I could live like that. But if I only have fun, where the hell do I get my income from!? How would I live!? Is living in starvation fun!? There's such a big contradiction in that sentence!!!!

This is why living is such a bother!!

"Those subjects are an important.."

"What you choose will be important..."

Important, important! I hate the word important!! I hate anything that has meaning! 

...

Okay. Enough of that psychotic ranting.

I should be studying. ...Like always.

By,

Mage-chan.

Subjects; Senior, in 2012

In Australia, it's the time in where Year 10 students start picking their subjects for their "Senior" years; a.k.a. Year 11 and 12.

They say it's the most important years in our schooling, and I have no objections.
All the process and focus they're putting on it make it all very serious and important, too.

My brain is going to burst.

I'm short on subject lines.
AGAIN.

This happens EVERY-FREAKIN-YEARRR!!! EVERY FREAKIN SEMESTER!!!!

Anyone who reads this who isn't a Queenslander; my apologies, but I will cease unnecessary explanations because I simply CAN-NOT-BE-BOTHERED.

There are 4 lines for electives. The subjects I wanted to do are:
Mathematics C
Economics
Business Communications and Technologies
Accounting
IPT (Information Processing and Technology) [IT - programming, algorithms,computer systems etc.]
ITS (Information Technology Systems) [IT - graphic/web design, network systems, administration, etc.]

As [hopefully] you can already tell, I need to kick two subjects out.
I've already decided to not do Accounting since my mum says that I should do Business rather than Accounting because I would benefit more (more pay) from being a business executive than an accountant... =.=
But there's still one more that I need to kick out.

On subject selections' day, I kicked Business out.
But afterwards I talked with my mum and she says it'd be better to do Business instead of Economics because it could cover Economics a little as well. I'd agreed.
But.
If I rank the subjects in order of "likeability", it would go like this:
Mathematics C
Economics
IPT 
Business Communications and Technologies
ITS

But if I rank the subjects in an order that considers opportunities, career paths, future jobs, etc. it would go like this:
Business Communications and Technologies
Economics
ITS
IPT
Mathematics C
(not so sure about this list, by the way...)

I just realised 2 seconds ago: I could actually weigh out the total "should do" points of the 5 subjects using Matrices!! XD
Okay, here I go. XDD
I give each of the positions on each list a point each of 1 to 5. (i.e. 1st place = 5 points, last place = 1 point)
Then I add each of the points from each Ranking together;
Mathematics C = 5 + 1
Economics = 4 + 4
IPT = 3 + 1
Business Communications and Technologies = 2 + 5
ITS = 1 + 2

So then;
Economics: 8
Business Comm. and Tech.: 7
Mathematics C: 6
IPT: 5
ITS: 4

ITS will be kicked out... possibly... maybe...
I'm really not sure about whether the rankings on the two lists are correct or not anymore. -__-

As I was killing myself over this, my friend came up and said "Do what you want to do, not what you need to do!" ...which resulted in me actually letting go of a shrill scream and throwing the book that was in my hand onto the ground.
I do not consider doing subjects that I do not want to do. Therefore all the subjects I'm considering are all subjects that I want to do. Also, the subject that I want to do the most happens to be the one that I don't need to do the most, if I intend to go down the business path...
But of course, I wouldn't consider doing business if I didn't want to do it! But Maths means so much, it's so awesome, and I don't want to drop it at all!
Economics is so awesome, and Business is alright; don't know...
I don't know whether I like IPT or ITS or not either, even though I've been doing it every year since Year 9...


Grr. All this make me want to use the Anger Room. Real badly. (Official website)
It's been on my bucket list for a long time. It's so ingenious in so many ways! One day I've GOT TO use their services!!!!   DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!
Oh my, thinking about this is making me excited.............................. Let's go to America now.

Inner Perceptions, "Metacognition"

Another weird, sudden but subtle boom that will most likely only stay on for so long and only on the internet, because that's how these type of things works.

This post, and this post.

The first post was so... touching it almost made me cry. :) Yess, almost. :)

The second post relates back to something that I have thought about for so long and so many times that it got so annoying, I don't think about it any more.

I think of myself as a logical, negative-pessimistic, selfish, anti-social [at times], self-centred, insecure, unreasonable, overly-serious [at times, about life], cowardly, considerate, dissent (what's the adjective form??)  person. You can also refer to the 8th section of this post, but you don't need to.
...However a human's personality is far too complicated to be able to be described properly in nothing more than a few words.
I have said so many times that I am a failure, and I do still believe that. However my logical nature is also telling me that I am possibly just being exaggerative, something very possible indeed, according to the actions of the people around me. But then again, if I look at things from a different point of view - if I compare myself to my fellow citizens, former classmates, or other kids in school in Thailand, I am certainly a failure.
And I never seem to be able to not remind myself of such.
I'm trying to look for the future but just can't see any of it. I'm trying to let go of pasts that are only regretful, but always ends up only remembering them and nothing else.
That's why I'm such a negative person.

I used to not care about optimism or pessimism, but there was just that, you know... period where something triggered my ultra negativity to come out from hiding.

Before I entered high school, I was a proud, arrogant, confident, judgemental, spoiled kid who was pretty mean, I think... =="
Entering a new environment just made me a little weary and wary, as I don't like big changes - more so when I don't know what I'm expecting. Everything that happened just begins to pile, and I steadily loses my confidence... and everything good about me that I used to believe in disappeared behind the shadows of geniuses and reality.
Which is why I call myself weak.

The very reason I hate wearing dresses so much ties very closely to me being an insecure person. ... Do throw dissent and stubbornness into that, too. :)

Me wanting to die all the time simply because I couldn't stand what was happening around me, what I might have to face in the future, what I will possibly have to go thorough, is pretty cowardly, isn't it?
Escape through death, even though there are people who are off worse than me are still trying... or whatever reason I don't really know, since I see no point to living. But since it is like that, my logical part is telling me that, for normal people, there is a reason.

My dissent is probably partly what is stopping me from even trying to be optimistic, if we don't count the fact that optimism is logically stupid in my opinions ^^. It's stopping me from doing a lot of things, and it's making me a rude, mean, extremely unreasonable person... =.="

Most of the time, I rarely hesitate giving money away to people, I can't stand people needing to wait for me, I like to let all the cars go first and wait until there's no cars on the road until crossing the street, I don't like to interrupt people's conversations or breaks even if it was something important that I had to tell them, I hate bothering people for favours, I always have an urge to carry things for people even if I was dying from heaviness. Would that be consider considerate?

And logical is the only word I could use. But maybe it's more like common sense.
Without it, I'm sure I'd be 100% certain that I'm a complete and total failure, I will very certainly live a terrible life, I will give pain to everyone around me every time I say something, I shouldn't give my opinions because it only brings bad, I'm really insignificant to the point that no one would shred a single tear if I die, etc.

Oh, yes, I'm also very, very lazy!! :D

I'm also a... perfectionist who doesn't try hard enough...?
NO! Well, I believe that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to do anything that's good enough. "Anything made by me isn't good enough." As long as it's made by me, it won't ever be good enough.
Nothing is good enough in my eyes as long as it's made by me.
With that said, I don't ever truly believe that I'll ever get an A in anything. Even if I do get an A, I blame it on the school's slackness - what I really made wasn't an A, because it can never be....
...something like that, I guess? ^^


Hmm... maybe I went a little off-track there. :)
But oh well!

My two fellow bloggers, Grace L [smile] and David C should do this, too! \(^O^)b 
...unless it makes you feel depressed; then please don't... 

Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

Triggered, Once Again

I wonder if I really am going mental.
I manage to take anything and everything around said in the most negative way. But then again, the [other] cursed word was said here, so I guess it couldn't have been helped.

Just one sentence from a friend made me so... negative, I felt like dying all over again... But then again, me wanting to die isn't anything new! It's so common, I'm just thinking that it's an everyday occurrence now! :D [Which also makes me wonder why people want to live so much, too :/]
Just one ordinary break time, a friend asked me, "Why do you want to do Economics?"
I paused. What was with that question? We've already talked about this last week, and she then thought that I should totally do it...? "...because... it's interesting?" I replied back uncertainly. As well as something that I may not fail at for certain.
"But if you ifhdghrhgbsdgbyudofbgkgj." She said something here that sounded suspiciously like, "since you don't like Australia, you wouldn't want to do the Economics for Australia, would you?" And then I heard the word "Thailand" in there some where as well (something like "if you study the economics for Australia, then you wouldn't be able to use it in Thailand", I think), but she was speaking in a way that somehow I couldn't make sense of... I heard several different [key] words, but I didn't manage to catch the whole sentence. =="
I shrugged, went silent and looked back into the far distance... those few words just triggered the biggest problematic obstacle in that certain department. I'd already said that I didn't want to work out the economy for Australia in one of the older posts already, but for the time being I decided to ignore that dislike. [Only supports the fact that emotions are a pain and gets in the way of a lot of things]
Plus, if I study things like globalisation in economics, I thought that it'd be more applicable in other countries, rather than any other SOSE subject.
No, actually, thinking that far ahead is probably extremely immodest and foolish of me. I still don't even know whether I'll survive Year 10, Year 11 or even Year 12, and I was already thinking about university, and work after university?
The above thoughts all occurred to me in a matter of seconds before I said this, "...well, I can't just do straight Maths, can I?" Since that happens to be the only subject I'm good at... no, actually, I'm not that good at Maths either. I can't even subtract big numbers properly. [What is wrong with me?] If I think about it properly, there isn't any subject that I'm really good at...
She confirmed the answer to my question, then turned back to whatever she was doing earlier.

After that, I sat there airily, reflecting on how stupid I am to even think about university when I wasn't even sure that I was going to successfully pass high school. It made me want to smash my head against the wall that I was leaning against, but I was worried that if there was people in the other side, I'd disturb them, so I didn't. Punching the ground looks a little too painful, too, so I dropped that idea. I didn't have the energy anyway...

If I can't do economics and I can't do maths, then I just can't see anything else for me to do.
Well, apart from being a total failure.
But that isn't really an option I'd like to take that much. But only if I could, then I would prefer to be a corpse. ^^ I won't even have to think about the future any more! My, how very convenient. :)
The Arts is not my department, either. I have no creativity, and it doesn't suit an impatient person like me.
No, actually, I don't think any subject suits me at all. I mean, maths currently is so easy to me, but I can't even do basic division and basic subtraction and such all that well. I can't do multiple problems at once in my head, and I find myself struggling to understand anything that's too complicated. And I don't really know whether I'm good at numbers or not.
I love writing, it's my hobby. But I suck at it so badly, my grammar still needs improvement, my vocabulary still needs expansion. And once again, I have no creativity. And I can't even write endings. My spelling could also do with some practice.
Japanese and Italian [LOTE in general], I'm struggling in remembering the te form, and other such forms and vocabs that we're learning. I don't feel like I'm improving at all [or even learning anything new], and it makes me want to bang my head against something, once again.
SOSE, my worse subject. Yet economics is in this department, which pains me every time economics jumped into my mind. I don't know any such historical events; history, geography and biology are my worse subjects ever. And a couple more Sciences; I can understand how Physics and Chemistry works, but I just can't remember any of the base knowledge in all five subjects. :/ [Excluding geography; I at least know where Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and USA are!]

The rest of break time insisted mostly of me silently mulling over my stupidity, like the above.
I took a look at my future path once again, and everything just came crashing down; and since just now economics turned into a should-not-go-down path, I don't see any way out.
Aaah... then no surprise I turned to thinking how much I want to die.
I don't see why I have to waste my time living. ...I don't even want time. I seriously want to give my time to someone else, but that's technically impossible. :/

How I wouldn't have liked to do the economics for Australia was already a fact known to me ever since a while ago [as I have stated earlier, I mentioned it in another post], and I had decided to ignore it, but I guess I can't just ignore it after all. I guess something will always remind me, seeing that I do live in Australia.
Like how I can't ignore the fact that I hate life, the fact that emotions exist, the fact that I'm still alive on this freakin' earth.

Everything turned into impossible again, even though I'd been able to keep a somewhat positive outlook for three weeks now, more or less. For a while I managed to convince myself that I'm not a total failure, and that I may be able to achieve at least a passing grade in Year 12 that I may be able to get an A in most subjects, and such...

Now I'm not so sure...

Besides, if I have to go Thailand, then everything is definitely impossible. Fail high school, no university, no anything. The lifestyle here and there are totally different, too.
[Maybe I'll borrow my dad's gun when he's not looking... XP]

Yes, so if any path of mine only consists of failure, then you see how death is preferable to me? ^^

Everything is so obvious. That's why optimists annoys me... wait, no, that doesn't work. Optimists are usually smart, confident people. But I ain't any of that, and that's a reason that I'm a total failure. But they have the ability to succeed in there life!! So they're allowed to be optimistic [not that it annoy me any less :P], because everything's a possibility for them!

While I really am a total failure, so being optimistic for me will only end in pain! ^^

That's all~

From,
Mage-chan~

Something That is Hard to Achieve Yet is Always Wished For

Dreams~
Goals~

I believe almost everyone would have the above?
But I myself haven't had such a thing for a while now, and the only wish in my head had been "to die a quick, neat, painless death soon".
But since I'm not brave enough to commit suicide and I've already put that thought to the side anyway, maybe it's really time I stop pointlessly moping and just live this pointless life.
Before I got into my ultra-depressed state, but was just being pessimistic and purely logical, I thought I'd go in the Economics direction.
I used to want to be an architect, when I was little - because I was good at maths, and everyone says that I'm great at art - but no!! I very soon realised that I lack something quite important or an architect! And that's creativity! I have an extreme case of boringness and repetitiveness)!
And so in the end, the only subject that I can rely on myself to succeed at was mathematics. And I have an interest in the state of this terrible world so I thought I might study Economics! I find it all pretty interesting, too.

I'm glad I took a part in the Sharemarket Game, despite the fact that we'd failed miserably. :3

Now, maybe I'll just come out of my pointless moping - you see, this is what I think; depression was caused by myself, by my own negative thinking, by my own worry, by my own stupidity. So if I was the one who'd caused it, only I can stop it!! If I didn't want to, then there'd be no way in hell that I'd be able to get rid of it!
Of course, I'll probably remain fractious, but that's something else.

And once I'd acquired depression, every possibility became an impossible, every hope became despair, and every wish became too far to reach.
Everything looked much harder, everything was just out of reach from stupid I; the future was dark, dark, dark and there was no hope.

But you know, it was just me running away - something I'd known all along, but didn't stop myself from doing it. It was because I didn't want to risk anything, I didn't want to try, I didn't want to attempt, because I was convinced that I was going fail everything.
But underneath that thought, I also knew that I was being illogical. If I didn't try, didn't risk anything, didn't attempt, then of course I wasn't going to succeed in anything.
But I continued running away.
Because I was scared - you know how I keep saying that I was a coward. Well, personally I think only cowards get depression. Because when I got depression, all I really wished for was death - and that's just more running away - running away from life.

I knew that I was wasting my time with depression, with despair, with everything.
I knew all along that I should just abandon all this pointless moping and just focus on getting myself a good future, because depression won't get me anywhere.
But I refused, because if I'd stopped being depressed...... let's just say it was just me being stubborn. :P

But I don't think I give a damn any more. I'd better stop being pointlessly stubborn. =="
Yep.
And this is the result from talking to my... new friend, the same person I'd mentioned in the A Coin Standing on Its Edge, Teetering post. ^^
I don't know, I guess talking to someone who'd already experienced life more than I have helped? Because the only ones I have been talking to are my friends, who're just [unintentionally, I believe] making my depression worse day by day!! But hearing him saying that he went through a tough time, yet is still trying makes me feel so bad, I thought that I'd better stop this!!!

Even better, he'd majored in Economics, something that I [probably] will also major in!!
...
Now I'm feeling really excited!! 8D

The only problem left is my pride; my stubbornness. I refuse to work out the economy for Australia!!!
I don't want Australia to become rich!!! Dx But I can only do it for Australia if I'm learning from the university in Australia!!
Ah, what a pain... =="

Oh, well, if I just ignore the part how Australia's education was what caused me depression, and Australia's uber annoying laws and regulations that are just too freakin' many that it's extremely irritating, I might return back to liking Australia somewhat. :P

Aah, amazing how a random, quick chat and a friend can change one's mindset. xD
This is the first time that I'd ever agreed with the "friends are nice; friends are important and they help you, etc." saying thing.
Because... I don't know... I think it's because I feel extremely restricted in real life to say or do anything, so I'm not as open as I am on the internet. Plus, like I said earlier, talking to someone who'd been through hard times already helped immensely. :3

...now let's just wait and see whether a State of Depression would return.

...but I feel really refreshed right now! :D
:) All thanks to my new friend..... sorry, does this sound creepy? ><

The More Days Pass By, the More I Hate Life

Goodness, every second that passes by, the more stupid I am starting to feel, the more frustrated I get, the more hatred I have towards Australia, the more I hate myself.

Every single teacher is starting to piss me off with their slow lecture and repetitive explanations.

Every second wasted makes me feel like my future is ending, continuously falling down the hill.

The more I see my friends around me, the more I realised that I am nothing but a stupid girl out of million others, some which are more intelligent than me, some that are more stupid than I.

But if you're not the best, then you're just a loser. And I'm not the best in anything. In my age group, in this school alone, I am not first in anything. English, Maths, Science, SOSE, Italian, Japanese, ICT, Music, in none of my subjects, am I first.

There can only be one winner, which means that the others are virtually losers. So that technically means that I am a loser.

Every problem that I can't crack; makes me want to bang my head against the wall and wonder how stupid I can be to fail some problem set by this damn country.

I'd always thought that I was good at Maths, but I am also slow and can only focus on one thing at one time. Plus, I didn't manage to get a 100% in my last two tests, and yet my friend managed to, so I'm just not good enough. Plus, the teacher is beginning to annoy me (the cause is my classmate though; they're too stupid, so he has to repeat himself continuously or answer obvious questions, which in turn annoys me).

English, I'd never be perfect at, and my hatred for it has steadily increased, so I don't think I'll ever come out with too good a mark.

Science, the teacher can go die in a hole, if he doesn't want to teach us anything.

SOSE, ain't my subject. I can barely remember any historical events of the world...

Italian, it's too similar to English to have my liking...

Japanese, it's fun, I like it, but I'm still not as good as some people...

ICT, there's still that person who's better than me...

Music, I just suck at it; my friend says I am a good violinist, but I dare say she's ignorant and can't even prove what she's saying. I can barely remember any scales (only C Major, D Major, and A Major), I can't tell what note is which when being play, I can't count steadily, I can't read music notes too well, and there are at least one part in every song that I don't know how to play. And there's even evidence to prove that I am terrible - I'm at the very back of the second violins!! Generally the best sits in 1st desk, then so on. And I am LAST, in the SECOND violin. Technically speaking, I am the worse in the whole orchestra. :3 And yet she says that I am "GOOD"!???? GOODNESS, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE'D EVER HEARD ME PLAY SOLO YET!!!! (well, she has. But that was 3 years ago. Doesn't count. And I'd sucked then, too. Didn't even know how key signatures work.)

Okayyyy, now I'm pissed again. =.="

Goodness, I'm so... fractious. :3 Describes me pretty well, doesn't it? I'm a contentious, fractious prat~

I despise stupidity even more than optimism. And I have loads of stupidity, but I try my best to not receive and show any of it. I hate myself so much; I hate myself because I am just so stupid.

I was stupid enough to get depression over Work Experience. I mean, come on. I'm not actually serious, right? Depression? Over Work Experience? That, is just hilarious. :3

I'm so weak and stupid that I feel like laughing my head off.

Haaaah... 

Back to talking about my violin skills again, when ma' friend had told me that I was a good violinist, I was actually pretty pissed, but somehow... I managed to hold it in!?? 8D Oh, GOD!! ...I just blamed myself again, because what I wrote down had made her said that. 

My fault again~

But then again, I can't possibly gloat and boast and lie about my violin skills. Because I don't really like lying, especially to myself. :/ So... I guess I'll just have to endure any other future occurrences.

Yes, endurance. 

Another key action that has kept me going. I'd have to endure everything and anything.

Endure, endure, endure, endure, endure, endure. 

I have to endure and stop myself from seriously banging my head as hard as possible against the wall.

I have to endure and stop myself from walking about and punching my teachers in the face.

I have to endure and stop myself from jumping in front of that incoming car.

I have to endure and stop myself from screaming at everybody that talks to me. ==

I have to endure and continue living the hateful life.

Oh, god dammit, now the word "life" makes me want to stab myself or to abuse the wall...

Despair. Despair~ Despair~! Depression and Despair are Partners-in-Crime! :) [The Crime of Self-Murder.]

Also related to my fourth lastest post and also the ones after that, I’ve decided to never pick an argument with my friend again, if possible.

She gives me all those irrelevant reasons that make me want to bang my head against the wall. In the past, it was worse (she still does it sometimes), she gives those sort of responses; “BUT! It’s so GREAT! And AMAZING! And WAAH!”

Every time she uses those type of argumentative responses I would just mentally blank out. =*= So it would seem like she’d won the argument, but technically speaking, she didn’t really win…

Plus, I think arguments make me feel sort of queasy and give me headaches.

My head now feels dazed and messed up 24/7, and the cold is helping it immensely. ==

I’ve been satisfied with my feelings today since most of my irritation; I managed to direct at myself and they would vanish quite quickly, returning to nothingness. ^^

Actually, I want to just drop talking altogether, but that would be bad. :/

People will ask questions that you’ll have to answer. Plus, talking is fundamental to everyday life.

I think I just entered a State of Depression, and I now know the difference between Moderate level Depression and Severe level Depression. Man, it’s quite bad. :P

I can’t even begin to imagine what Extreme level Depression is like. >.>

I think I finally really know what real despair feels like.

For me, breathing has become such a chore.

Life is so tiring. 

I've given up emotions and feelings, because it's too tiring to think and too painful to be disappointed.

I've already given up life, but I am still keeping it, for the sake of others and maybe myself... because, deep inside, there's still a small thread of hope that one day, a happy solution to everything will miraculously appear, even if I know that it's foolish and stupid, because my dreams will never come true... because I don't have any; I gave up dreaming, a long time ago, when I realised how stupid and incompetent I am.

Keeping my own life sorts of lessens my guilt a little. It's my own fault for acquiring Depression. I was weak; I am weak. Why did I acquire Depression when there's absolutely nothing to be so depressed about? Why am I feeling such despair when there's still a long road in front of me? Why am I so scared of the future that I want to commit suicide, that I wish that I was never born into this world?
Why is it that life... is so hateful to me, more than anything else that I can name?
I've begun to welcome any pain that I receive: whether it'd be disappointment, a scolding, or physical pain... it wakes me up into reality; because the real world is always full of pain.

However some people don't think so. I used to be able to accept other people's points of view pretty well, and my logical part still can understand that different people think differently. But my 'feeling part' does not understand; it refuses to understand.
I stand grounded stubbornly with my belief that life is pointless; that the world is hateful; that life, is, ultimately, the biggest pain ever.
A certain optimistic friend of mine disagrees completely, saying that life doesn't have to be painful. Then again, of course she would, being the optimist that she is. :/
It might not be painful to some, but it might be extremely painful for others.
Now I wonder whether she'd even considered understanding depressed people; has she ever imagined what it's like to be a starving kid in Africa? Has she ever thought that some people's lives are just so terrible, that they're in so much pain, that they cannot smile, ever again?
She thinks that positivity is great. She reckons that you can change your way of thinking, to think only positive thoughts, in just 21 days, by thinking something positive everyday for 21 days...
Complete bullsh*t, my mind was saying. I didn't say this out loud, however.
I refused to believe in positivity, since in the end the only thing great about life is the end of it. You're finally free from the restrictions of living.
...I'd just realised something. My logical part of the mind just caught up to me, and now I feel really guilty. O.o ...I somehow forgot about those people who are trying to live; those people who are suffering from some sort of illness... I feel really bad.
However, those people are strong. They want to live, even though they're already in so much pain.
I am not. I am weak; otherwise I wouldn't have acquired Depression from something so extremely trivial like Work Experience. (geezes, it's funny)
Besides, I can't think of much to look forward to in the future; I sort of want to go to Japan one day, but without the money, I'd think it impossible... so if it's impossible anyway, then I can't really care about it too much, because in the end, I may just be sad over something that was already impossible from the start; hoping for the impossible is foolish, and a waste of time, everyone knows that.
I don't care what people say, but that's what I think.
I like to believe that I am correct, but that's only for me.
Some people think that life is great; at the moment I can still understand; that life for them is great. But for someone stupid, incompetent, slow, and talentless like me, there's ultimately no success. When there's no success, there is only failure; and failure can only bring pain and suffering.
Some people may be saying that you should learn from your mistakes. But so what? Mistakes can't be undone. You may be able to learn from it, but then what? If it was something tragic, it could affect your whole life. Humans take quite a lot of consideration into people's background. Once you've done something wrong, it's already done. YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT. Most people ain't so forgiving. Because even if you'd already learn, do you really think other people know? Would they believe you? Hah, most probably not.

Goodness, I just want to die already... I just want to disappear already...
I just wish I was never born into this freakin' world...
I don't want to feel any of this; I don't want to think about anything; I don't want to worry about anything; I don't want to do ANYTHING!!!!

...
In the end, I should really just discard my emotions, right? :3 (such a difficult thing to do though... *sigh*)
I might end up worse otherwise... :)
Yeah well, I'm just repeating myself again... Don't mind meh...................

Crecsendo, Keeping, Going and GONE

Oh mi gosh. O.o

I took the BDI again after approximately 2 or so weeks, and guess what I got? It increased by TEN points! O.o

Last time I took it I received a score of 28 (Moderate Depression), this time I got 38 (Severe Depression). Crap, it increased… and a lot, too. == (I discovered that I had Moderate Depression through the BDI only in February, and it’s April, so I guess it took me only 2-3 months to increase a level [unless I’ve had Moderate Depression for a long, long time now…] O.o)

Maybe that’s why I can’t really tell what’s pessimism and what’s depression anymore.

Must be all that visa and Work Experience stuff…

But who caressss! At the moment I’ve given up committing suicide, so it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s not like I’m going to go and randomly cut myself or anything either. :/ That’s not cool, really.

I’ve already decided to just ignore everything else, ignore what I want or what I feel, and only doing what I must, after all. That’s also why I’ve given up suicide [for the time being, mind you :P]. People tell me it’s wrong, you know it’s wrong, I know it’s wrong. And seeing that it’s so wrong, I decided to put it off; it’s a waste of time just thinking about it when I’m not actually going to do it [err… most likely] after all. So I’m just going to continue living, giving my best into what I must do.

Otherwise I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ll be stuck in the same spot, I’ll never be moving forward.

I’m probably repeating myself here [and I most probably will again in the future, because I simply can’t not repeat myself xP], but I no longer care. I no longer give a crap about what happens. There’s really nothing to be hoping for – I don’t want to feel disappointed and irritated and sad and frustrated about things anymore. I’m completely running away, yes.  Then again, I’m sort of facing it at the same time – I’m continuing on living, so I’ll have to face them anyway, but since I’m no longer hoping for anything, there’s nothing for me to be disappointed at, is there?

Maybe one day I’ll turn back into that cheerful kid I once was, but it’s unlikely. I’ve matured. I now know that life is terrible, and reality is harsh.

There ain’t much in life to look forward to except ma’ death < okay, that was depression. Even I could tell. :P

I’ve turned into a realist in my course of being depressed, and I no longer believe in hopes and dreams – dreams are generally hard to achieve, anyway.

Wouldn’t you know how lucky you are to be one of the few to achieve something like a dream?

Haaah…

Anyhow, I shouldn’t even be talking about this – I shouldn’t even be blogging at all, if I wanted to follow all of my goals. But I feel for the readers.  But then that means I’m still doing something that I ‘want to’, something that isn’t a ‘must’. Maybe I’ll just limit my posting then. Yep, let’s do that.

I work 5 days a week so let’s make it 2 posts a week – one per one day-off. :)

I’ll have to limit my internet time to even less – I think I’ll have to drop some manga series that I’m following as well; since I can’t regularly check the “Manga Releases” page of mangafox, I’ll have to make it easy for me so that I won’t have to check which series has updated so many times.

Let’s see, let’s make it like this,

Ones that I’m not dropping;

<Weekly Series;>

Noblesse – the characters are cool, and I want to see what happens next. Like, quite badly.

Detective Conan – I’ve been following this manga for 10 years. I am NOT going to drop it now. >.>

Nononono – it’s finishing soon anyway, doesn’t make too much difference. ^^

Gintama – too funny; reading it soothes me. :)

<Monthly Series>;

Oresama Teacher – hilariously random, a light, enjoyable read. Want to see Takaomi and Mafuyu get together.

Pandora Hearts – one of the most twisted series ever, I desperately need to reread it otherwise I’ll never understand it, with its several confusing events. And I really want to see the end too… T^T

Yumekui Merry – it’s awesome, a unique story, and I want to see how it ends, if it will.

Cahe Detective Club – just to see what happens to the romance between Nana and Touma. :3

Kuroshitsuji – the new arc looks too good.
Natsume Yuujinchou - very heartwarming, it's another light, enjoyable read.

Ones that I’m planning on stopping reading then coming back later in approx. 3-6 months (planning on, anyway);

Saki and Saki: Achiga-hen Episode of Side A – I just want to see Saki meet Teru!! ><

Skip Beat! – I like the newest developments, so I want to see what happens next.

Crepescule (Yamchi)

Ageha 100% – I want to see the ending, which is coming in approx. two more chapters.

Aoiro Toshokan

Chronos -Deep-

Taiyou no Ie

Ai Dano Koi Dano

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun

Shitsuji-sama no Okiniiri

Bleach – let it finish first and I might return to it, one chapter contains too less material. :/

Sensei ni, Ageru – all the same reason…
The Legend of Sun Knight manhwa - it's too good... even if I've already read the Light Novel version... it's too good! ><

Ones that I’m planning on dropping;

Magico – I was planning on dropping it anyway; it’s getting more boring by the week.

Half Prince – I’ve already read the summary of the ending, so meh. I’ll just read the climax then the resolution after the scanlation of the manhwa and the translation of the Light Novel finishes.

The Nanoha series – just ‘cause.

Hayate no Gotoku – I want to finish/catch up to this series one day, but not now.

Hunter x Hunter – it’s good, but it’s sort of lagging. I’ll pick it back up one day. Probably.

Shibatora – meh. I’ve lost interest in this series.

Zettai Karen Children – it’s good, but I didn’t like the newest [where I’m up to]’s developments; plus I don’t support the main pairing. Droppable. Dropped.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama! – also droppable; it’s not so good to the point that I have to read every new chapter. :/

Ao Haru Ride – [nothing but] cheesy, cliché, sweet romance ain’t really for meh. :P

New Prince of Tennis – go read it and you won’t have to ask.

Yada~

Something You Feel When You Just Want Everything to End Already

This post is quite random and contains quite a few different topics... :/

My friend (the one in this post), has been very excited lately because of a scholarship she will be applying for; if you win, you get to go to Japan. Yes, JAPAN!!

She said that I should  go for it, too, but when she said that I was faced with despair...
She said that it was going to be during the summer holidays (that's December-January for you all who lives in the Northern Hemisphere).
But there's still the problem of my visa, and when she reminded me of that certain period of the year, I was pulled back into reality.


There are good and bad things if I go back.
Bad things;
1. My future will be totally ruined; I'll fail school and I won't be able to enter university.
2. My mum and I will no longer have an income.

Elaboration on Point 1; I'm simply too stupid to be able to pass any subjects in a Thai school, excluding English. And if I fail in high school, it also means that I won't be able to enter uni either. So if I move back, it means that it's the end of a successful school life for meh. In the past I've been too stupid to have the least thread of hope that I might be able to pass if I try hard enough, but, no, it looks like it's impossible. My mum says so. ==
Elaboration on Point 2; It's hard to get a job those days, especially when you're 55 and 15 (who's a failure at school).

Good things;
1. My mum won't have to work so hard anymore.
2. There'll be someone to look after the house in Thailand.
3. THE FOOD!
4. And my family; plus the living costs are less over there.

If I don't go back.
Bad things;
1. My mum will most probably die of exhaustion from working every freakin' day.
2. The pressure from our uncle's evilness who is our boss is a lot.
3. Our (rather new) house in Thailand will pretty much be abandoned.

Good things;
1. I'll be able to finish school and most probably enter university.
2. We'll continue having an income.


Over all, it's better if we stay, I guess, since the good things if I stay here are quite significant.
So now I want to stay, so that I can continue school properly.
However there are still unsolved issues about my visa.

My friend's innocent reminder reminded me of the fact, and it just so happened to be today that the application form for the renewal of the visa arrived.

Despite the fact that my friend's house problems are most probably worse than mine, she can still be ever so cheerful and dream on vividly.

We were also talking over Skype the other day, and I commented that I want to stay in Australia now, because of several reasons, and that I hope that Work Experience works out (at that moment in time I was saying that I hope I can tag along with her to that local university).
And she said that "of course it will! If you think it's fun, it will be fun."
I paused slightly at the second part of the sentence. ...huh? 
She thinks that I'll be "fine!".
At that moment in time I started to feel some despair. Does this mean the offer in that post linked above is now non-existent? She sounded like she's cheering me on and that I'll surely have fun. However I didn't mind tagging along with her at all; I thought that it will be awesome, actually. And she surely knows that I'll enjoy it, so does that that offer is now non-existent and I'll just have to do Work Experience myself now...?
But then I guess it'd already flown out of her mind, because the next day she came up to me to tell me about the aforementioned scholarship to Japan; she said that she was going to do it during the Work Experience week.
I didn't bring this up though, after all I was the one asking her for a favour. :/
So in the end, the offer became non-existent (most probably), and my friend might be going to Japan at that time. ^^
And depending on what happens, I might be failing in Thailand or... doing something...


...Ah, I'm back to wanting to die now.
Our percentage of going back to Thailand is over 50%.

I'm so tired of living.
Which is really strange; it makes me wonder why I'm already tired of living after a mere 15 years while some people lived to be over 100...
To compare, it's the kind of feeling you get when you haven't slept for a few days, yet you can't go to sleep. It's similar; I feel so tired of just waking up, eating, working, studying, doing ANYTHING everyday that I just want to enter eternal sleep already. I feel like I need to break free from all this living crap, and I just want to runaway from everything.
Whyyyy am I so weak? T^T
Aaah...

It makes me jealous of how some people had the freedom to do almost anything they want while I'm restricted to only being a failure (if I go back to Thailand). But then again there are more people who are worse of than me, so I should be happy that I still have food on the table and a roof over my head.
But once you're used to something, you begin to take it for granted, only until you realised just how lucky you are to have those in your reach.
Personally, I don't see how someone can be the least bit philanthropic in this world. :/

But then again, everything is my fault. If I'm not so stupid, I wouldn't become a failure when I go to Thailand. If I didn't lack so much drive, I might be able to go for things that I'd already given up on.

Personally, I don't think you can ever have total freedom in life. There will always be something to restrict you in some way or another, no matter who you are.

With several events occurring one after another, I want to just follow my following decisions successfully.

I've already dedicated my life to working and studying, and I sincerely hope I'll stay on track.
I've already decided to just trudge on, no matter how much I hate it.
For the moment I'm not going to attempt suicide, no matter how much I want to commit it.
I've already decided to not care about my own emotions because they are a pain and only gets in the way.
I've already decided to abandon all hope in life because all it does is let you down in the end.
...Yep, I've given up on thinking about the future since it'd end up being a failure either way; I don't want to care anymore. I'm just too tired to care about anything after thinking and planning about so many things.

However I'll still need to keep up a fake happy facade, so then other people won't worry about me unnecessarily. I hope I can successfully act happy on the outside while I've actually already given up on having emotions... hahhh...

With that said, I might as well quit manga and anime already.
I should also just quit blogging and writing and reading, and everything that is unimportant.

Usually I know that I'll come out of a State of Depression one day, but for some reason I think this state might last forever; at least I hope so (but it might not, after all, it's "hope"), because I've realised that life likes to let you down, and I've been disappointed and frustrated and sad and irritated too many times; it's already too tiring to keep up.

Yep, I'm just too tired to continue hoping for something that probably won't ever come.

What the hell!? I’m so Annoyed, and I Still Hate Unknowns

Or rather, unknowns are something that I extreme hate and despise from the bottom of my heart. And I’ll probably continue to hate it for the rest of my cursed life that I wish never came into existence.

Today my mum told me that the person she’d asked to do all the visa stuff said that she won’t have to do the English test, and it’s cheaper, since she will be renewing it, not applying for a new one. Then she goes on to say that the boss of the restaurant (since we’re going for an Employer-Sponsored type of Working Holiday visa) has to sign some documents, and that’s where the problem comes into play as that certain boss was the reason we couldn’t get a PR (permanent resident) in the first freakin’ place.

She said that the guy who was doing this for us will continue to do whatever he does until things are more definite.

At first I was like, what da hell? You said you’ve freakin’ “decided”, and now you’re saying that it’s no longer certain? Da hell?

Then I visibly, openly cried out in horror. While screaming in my mind, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I HAVE TO DO WORK FREAKIN’ EXPERIENCE!!!???? I WANT TO DIEEEE!!! OH GOD, SOMEONE COME KILL ME NOW SO THAT I WON’T HAVE TO DO ITTTT!!!! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

And oh-yoh, that was a trigger for my current, renewed, ultra-shiny State of Depression.

Okay, now I have to change my mindset all over again. The already-blurry future path just split back into two again, and now I’ll have to walk back the path that I’d already taken back to the start and prepare for the future journey that could go down either, for better or worse.

Damn it all. I want to die. I want to. Freakin’. Die.

Hah, then again, maybe it’s the misfortune coming back now, as I’d mentioned in the This is a Life ChangingDecision post, not exact title.

Firstly life makes me happy then told me that it was actually a lie. (….maybe I should be blaming my mum, and not life? O.o) I was so happy with the fact that I didn’t have to do Work Experience anymore, and bam, of course I’ll have to do it.

The closer work experience gets, the more I want to commit suicide to just stop all this frustrating situation where I can’t run away already. The more life goes on, the more I begin to loathe it. The more I loathe it, the more depressed I get, the more I want to die.

But logically and technically speaking, the more afraid I am of work experience, the more I should do it. But knowing that still obviously doesn’t make me want to do it, as I still really don’t want to do it. Which then in turns then mean that I should really do it.

If I continue talking it would end up in a circle, so I’ll drop that matter.

I don’t know whether what is making me wanting to die is Depression (as in the illness) or not, but I do not care, because it’s my mind that’s thinking and I just WANT TO DIE!!

AND WHY AM I MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF SOMETHING LIKE WORK EXPERIENCE!??

Damn the world; I want to die before I graduate.

Actually I said that I want to die to one of my friends once and told him to kill me (half-jokingly) and he said to keep living and he’d kill me after we all graduate high school.

I wonder if he still remembered what he said.

I need to find a gun somewhere so that he can shoot me with it… :3

If the only reason that I’m thinking of dying is because of Depression, then I must give an applaud to Depression since it can really convince and brainwash people well. Because no matter what, I feel like I really want to die. At the moment I can find no logical reason that would prevent me from doing so.

Usually I know that what I’m thinking is being caused by Depression (but I would still think about them, despite knowing that, because I wouldn’t be able to not, but still, I was aware). And since I was aware, I would be able to pick up the fact that want I’m thinking is totally wrong and is being caused by Depression.

Yet at the moment I saw no reason (that I can really care about) at this moment in time.

Or maybe my Depression level went up? I’d better go take the BDI again. (About the BDI, check my “Apparently,Pessimism Leads to Depression x)” post that was created some time back in either February or March.) 

However, with that said, I’m quite sure I’ll come out of my State of Depression soon.

Damn, it came at the worse time, too. I have so much stuff to do during the weekends (Finish reading To Kill A Mockingbird, Italian homework, Japanese homework, Sharemarket research, practice violin, write Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33, clean some useless stuff out from house, all in under 10 hours across two days – and I tell you, Sharemarket researching.. will take up a lot of time) and it’s all going to be ruined by damn depression.

And so, if I want to get rid of depression I’d have to get rid of all thoughts of Work Experience off my mind, and that’d be hard to do since I feel like it’s always mentally spitting me in the face, laughing eagerly and mockingly at me. ==

Good day to you all, and I also wholeheartedly hope that you all have a good, successful life and that I will cease to exist soon.

From,

Mage-chan~

Triggered. Returned. Welcome Back, Depression-dono~

We have a lot of regulars, since our food is awesome.

There's this group of certain regulars that come every Friday and sits on the same table every time (they insist).
They are a bunch of annoying folks. At least one of them are. I'm going to call him M.

He had once told me that I should smile more since I don't smile so often, and that I look attractive when I smile. That last comment was actually what made me reluctant to smile, but let's not worry about that. (I have this strange... refusal to do anything girlish. ...and trying to look attractive is very girlish, sort-of... stereotypically, anyway.)
I smiled for him anyway though, although it was obviously forced. (maybe not that obvious, but...)

And today, he repeated himself again, because it's his hobby to annoy people.
"Can't you smile?" he'd wondered. "Look, follow your friend's example here," he then added, gesturing to my friend who had been standing next to him for whatever reason. My friend then flashed a grin at me cheerily.
I was like, "..." Hell no. =*= But I quickly flashed a smile at him anyway to humour him a little; hopefully he'd stop bothering me and just say what he wants already.
He went on, "See, even your mum smiles all the time." He points to my mum. I could just tell without looking that she was smiling brightly.
Stop complaining you #$%^&!!! You can't expect someone suffering from Depression to smile ever so often!! That's like... asking a cheerful person to cry!!
However I did not say that out loud. As I didn't really want to announce that I have Depression, yet I was extremely tempted to shout that to his face since he was making me feel... I dunno, what... frustrated?

By the way, that sort of triggered my Depression since it came flying back after its vacation of me being ultra busy and not having time to think about pointless things like life.
I think it's also the fact that I'm going to be moving back to Thailand. I've been avoiding saying this since it's really... something that I don't want to say, but maybe I am sad to leave this place after all.
Once I really leave for Thailand, I don't know when I'll be able to visit Australia again. :/ I mean, there's school and stuff and I really have no intentions of going on a holiday in Australia. Nooo.
I don't mind being alone or having no friends, but I don't want to lose anything... no? =*=
Geh.

...Maybe I really should just commit suicideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Ahahaha, as if. I'd never have enough courage to do that anyway.

It says here that,

"Painful conditions always pass, both mental and physical. Life always changes, and better times will come back inevitably.

Do not decide to harm yourself for a problem that will pass."

That's what it said. (You know what, that website annoys me quite a lot. =*=)
...it will pass? You're saying that a problem will always pass?
Oh my god, reading through that website pissed me off quite badly. I am now in quite a bad mood.

So I will tune out. Check out that website and tell me what you think about it... although you might not be able to give such a good answer if you've never felt like committing suicide before... Hmm... :/

Maybe a reason I'm annoyed is because that it's telling me all those things that I already know like "life will always change" and other random craps and reasons to NOT commit suicide, yet all of those craps and reasons are the very reason that caused me Depression in the first place and wants me to commit suicide!??

Hmm... I don't really know.
My Depression sorts of makes me annoyed at almost everything, too...
Or I may just be... ahem, PMS-ing, although the last time I read this it was not that time of the month yet I was still annoyed at it...

Anyhow, I will stop writing now since I am too annoyed to write senselessly!
And I'm sure you all wouldn't want to read a post full of senselessness!!
Because it would be senseless, and it wouldn't make any sense!!!

So then, sayonara!!!!

This is a Life Changing Decision :3 Indeed, it Changes My Life.

Yesss siree!
It's been confirmed! It was confirmed on the 12th of April, at approximately 5.12pm...
I will be moving back to Thailand by November of this year!
And yes, that was two days ago.

You may not have noticed it, but I was in quite the happy mood in the last four posts.
That was probably because of this news.

It's not that I actually want to go to Thailand, but I didn't not want to go either. :/

However this also means that I will not have to do Work Experience, something that has been worrying me endlessly and making me feel despair despite its best intentions.
So that is good.
Now I'll just... have to worry about school over there. I'm bracing myself for some studying torture, yes.

I was glad that it was finally confirmed, since I'd now know where to focus my daily activities and future planning towards. That was the reason for my happiness.
I now can discard all thoughts about Work Experience and Set Plan Interviews and all that Year 10 Work Education crap, and focus on getting ready for Thailand.
I need to clear out all of my possessions, too... *sigh* There are a lot of things to do... :/
I've already worked out what I would do with my big collection of manga, so that's fine...
There are so many things that need trashin'!!

Now, you blog readers that know me in the hideous thing that is real life, you have permission to tell this news to a total number of zero persons.
Understood? :3 *evil gleam*
All is cool if you do.
If not, then all is not cool but it's not like I can do anything about it, LOL.

However with that news, I'm starting to feel insanely lucky...
I didn't want to do Work Experience, and I didn't get to. Never in my life have I yet to come across troublesome hurdles or anything of the kind. My life has been a breeze through, as I just do easy stuff like homework and assignments.
...I was born with things that some doesn't have and things that some people wish so badly for,  good health (mostly), both parents; nice parents, employed parents, stable-jobs-employed parents, an education, etc...
...Feeling that I am insanely lucky however leads me to thinking that one day insane misfortune will inevitably befall upon me as compensation for all the luck I'm getting.
My life can't be a breeze all through the way, can it now?
I wouldn't think so... Hell no... Probably not... ...Hopefully yes...
Because it'd be bad since I think I'd end up in a wreck otherwise if I run into something big... since I've always lead an easy life before, I wouldn't be immune to any trouble, you know...

~
It's going to be even harder since it's Thailand. I need to search up on how Thailand does things.
And there are so many more thieves and cons in Thailand... I think. It gives me that sort of vibe, anyways.
Yesss, because Thai people are smart and there are many evil people in the world, so, smart + evil = !!!!.

I have no idea what I should do after graduating now, as I see no future for me in competitive Thailand.
Who knows, I might not even manage to graduate from Senior High School.
I might have to repeat Grade 10 three times at least or something... :/

I'm actually not sure whether I'm glad for this new change or not.
I'm really really glad that I do not have to do Work Experience and Australia's weird curriculum, but now my future looks soooo dim.
*sigh*
The words "failure" is singing itself to death in ma' mind~

Hm... Maybe I should try being optimistic?
But then what if I become optimistic but ends up failing, despite my optimism?
Nooooooooooooooooo, I refuse to become optimistic otherwise, with that possibility in mind. :/

Easily-Irritated Persons Such As Me Gets Irritated Easily. Also, Words Can Kill. And Debates Can Cause Depression. And Depression Can Kill. So then, Any Talking; Can Results in KILLED. By the Way, Do Try to Avoid Using the Cursed Word(s) Unless You Want to KILL. ^^

Okay, that's like, one of the longest post title ever....... but meh. I like my titles to sound catchy. xD 

Can't have it not. ...does it sound catchy? :)

One of my friends just came back from her 4-days vacation to Sydney.

She bought… stuff.

She said that they were for my birthday presents that she’d failed to give in February, which happens to be the month that I was born in. I told her that she did not have to do such things. Not in that kind, considerate, pleased way, no.

I was feeling irritated.

Or was I also secretly happy?

Or was I both irritated and happy?

So was I irritated or happy?

Anyway, outwardly and on top, and consciously, I was irritated. That she bought me a birthday present.

I know I should be happy, social-interactions-wise… But I couldn’t fake happiness. I never fake happiness. Faking happiness isn’t something I like doing, and it is something I can never be stuffed to do. And it’s no difference this time.

As soon as my friend had mentioned the word “birthday”, my State of Depression just immediately decided to come back from its vacation. Well, it’s not like I could stay cheery-happy for that long, technically speaking, anyway.

Because, why the heck must people keep celebrating that cursed day? The cursed day… =*=

The damn cursed day…

Psh, with the mention of that cursed day, I was put into an irritated mood for the rest of the night.

Not to mention that I came across this customer that irritated me. It wasn’t something worth being irritated and annoyed over, really. It was just a simple mistake or idiocy or retardation by the customer. However, I was annoyed.

It was a simple through-the-phone take-away order.

She ordered a certain food and then said “MILD”. It was said in a tone of voice that made me want to destroy the freakin’ phone. Did she think I was illiterate or something? Do I sound like a 5-year-old? You think I can’t understand you?

Although it’s probably because I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said, was why she’d said it to me like that. However the reason I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said was her freakin’ fault. There was this sudden background noise that came out of nowhere then disappeared quickly.

Plus, the fact that that certain dish WAS ALREADY MILD also annoyed me. =*=

She ordered a few more dishes, then she repeated the whole order again. For my sake, of course, but this also annoyed me because I was about to repeat the order back to her when she beat me to it. However it’d have annoyed me more if she’d asked me to “repeat the order back to her”, when I’m about to do just that. I’m an easily-irritated person. As expected of someone suffering from Depression, though. No surprise, really.

She went a little rushed, and so I asked, “Sorry, can you please start from the start again?”

She made this little annoyed “huffed” noise. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed, however, because so am I. There’d be no end to this. :/

“..blah blah blah. And I want it MILD.”

Me: =*= It’s already mild, you dumbass! And it’s written down on the freakin’ menu!!! “Sorry? MILD?” I asked this just to make sure, and I was annoyed, too, ahahahaha. Although that was as far a revenge I could get because, customer is god. J

 Customer: “Yes. MILD. I want it in mild temperature.”

This sentence was what ticked me off completely. What did you just say? Are you twisted in the head? Did I just hear the word ‘temperature’ come out of this receiver? I was a bit taken aback and so I went uncertainly, “MILD… temperature?”

Customer: “Yes, MILD. You know how you have it in mild-medium-hot? I want it I mild temperature.”

She successfully made it sound like I was the idiot with half-deaf ears.

I was pissed.

However I did successfully ended the conversation without any yelling.

Good thing it was on the phone. Only some saw my irritated face. :3

Back to my friend who bought me birthday presents, which was a month and a half late, but that wasn’t the problem…

I was irritated that she bought me birthday presents, and I kept telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. In monotone.

…In my heart I knew I should at least smile when she gave it to me. But it was too hard to fake happiness, like I said…

“I got you the first volume of The Prince of Tennis and a Vampire Knight Art Book!” she says.

Me: =*=… “J…Oh, that’d have been good… except that I already have the first volume of The Princes of Tennis at home, in Thai…”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: Why am I acting so mean? …Aargh. It was the cursed word. The “‘birthday’ present”… The cursed word, indeed.

Friend: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Me: “Of course you didn’t.”

No, I wasn’t happy at all. Really. I don’t think. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.

Like hell I know, and like hell I care.

…Did she misunderstand my tastes? Yes, totally. I don’t understand art. And it’s not like I like Vampire Knight that much, either. I dropped it edges ago, really. Didn’t she know that? Err… apparently not. But who cares.

She said that “I didn’t know what to get you. And the stuff that I wanted to get you, you already have, so I got you those.”

Yes, but I already have one of them. And why are you buying me birthday presents? Trying to make me commit suicide, now are you? “Easiest way out. Don’t buy me anything.” < I said that sentence like, 5-6 times to her earlier today .

Fortunately, being the optimistic person she is, she was still smiling like always. Phew.

Plus, I’ve been trying to not buy any material things lately, with the chance of me going back to Thailand by the end of the year extremely high and all.

Yesterday my mum just said “This IELTS test is impossible for me to pass” to me, so might as well deem it certain…?

Oh, but my mind haven’t really accepted the truth yet. It’s like how I’ve been avoiding thinking about Work Experience (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check some of my earlier posts… umm, the one that says “The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide”…)… It will need to happen, yet I’m not doing anything about it…

Geezes.

I hate life. =*=

Someone kill me nowwwww.

Some people will probably be really offended if they heard me say that. :/ You know, those people that are fighting to live, respectively. They’re fighting to live, and here I am asking to die.

While my life is perfectly likeable. In many people’s eyes.

I like my life. I do. I just don’t like life as a whole. I think it’s a bunch of senseless, pointless crap.

I don’t even have any right to be suffering from Depression. =*=

Geezes. This is another reason why I hate life so muchhhh….

Okay. I really, really, really want to die right now.

LOL, my State of Depression is full back and rolling. :P I don’t even care about leaving people behind at this moment in time (I’m sure I will sometime after this though, but not at the moment. I know myself).

Blame the word “birthday”. And then that “Work Experience” I’d just mentioned. They’re quite convenient triggers for my State of Depressions.

Other convenient triggers includes “future”, “university”, “senior”, etc, anything about the future, really.

A while ago someone had asked me whether I’m going to do the “Headstart Program” or not. (It’s this program at a certain university where you can study a course there while you’re still in Grade 11 or 12.)

I went quiet for a moment. I might not even be in Australia by then. Plus, even if I stay using a Student Visa, I’m not sure whether I’m eligible or not… “…Err, yeah, I want to, but I’m still not sure yet…” Was the reply I gave.

Daammmmmmmmmnnn.

Am I trying to make myself depressed?

Talking about these stuff sends me into despair. :/

So why am I talking about them? =*= Well, it’ll take a while for me to get out of a State once I’m in one. Maybe you should expect a few more Depression-filled posts the next following days? :/

Or maybe I’ll force myself out of it for the time being. I have lots of things to do after all.

Can’t waste time moping around thinking about committing suicide, now can we?

I seem to have a twisted mind. A word that normally gives people joy like “birthday” makes me want to commit suicide.

…Is what I think I should say.

HOWEVER, like hell my mind is twisted. I just think differently from people…. (is that valid? O.o). I’m just a coward that has really, really, really, low self-confidence. That’s right. It’s the start of it all.

Once another friend of mine has asked me, “Why do you have low self-esteem?” when I’d told her that I have low self-esteem.

I tried not to make a disgusted face at one of the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s like asking someone who’d optimistic why they’re so optimistic. Or asking someone who’s nice why they’re nice, etc.

Like hell I could give you a proper answer. It’s in ma personality!! But I attempted an answer anyway. “Well… that’s because I lack self-confidence, which is practically the same as low self-esteem anyway…” Pauses. “Do you even know what self-esteem is?”

She shrugs uncertainly.

Me: =*= Damn. …I was pissed. :P

She tried to talk me into getting out of Depression, I think, or whatever it was she was trying to do. When I mentioned that I’m a total failure, she said that “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.

Me: “Why not?”

She: “…Well, you just shouldn’t consider yourself a failure for every little mistake you do. Everybody makes mistakes.” I’ve heard that phrase so many times, I could strangle you for saying it alone. Can’t you be more creative?

Me: “…I know that. I know that everybody makes mistakes.” Yeah, even elementary schoolers know that.

She: “So you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

Me: “If I don’t be hard on myself now, I really will end up being a failure once I move back to Thailand.”

She makes this sort of impatient sound. “…Now, if you think you’re a failure, then what are we?”

Me: That makes you guys total failures. But I can’t really say that, even if I think that. Plus, she’s measuring my “failure” level with only academic level. However that really doesn’t have anything to do with it. There are lots of people in this world that ends up successful without even finishing primary school. Your argument is invalid. =*= I can’t survive in life when I’m scared of just doing Work Experience. So freakin’ scared that I’m Depressed! How’s that!?? However I painfully lost that argument because I couldn’t say that I thought that they were failures. And it was simply too bothersome to explain the whole concept that came afterwards (Typing this up was also a pain, mind you). She wasn’t the type that could understand big stuff like that anyways, although it is quite simple…

I was still pissed as we continued the conversation. Don’t know if she noticed though.

Our opinions on this certain topic never mixed well. Everything she says to me, I have an argument to back it up. However I FAILED in debating and I can never come up with a proper one on the spot. :/ It sucks.

However our debates never really ended with a clear winner…

Talking about debates, that reminds me of something I want to rant about.

The friend that came back from Sydney that I mentioned earlier? She’s also the same “certain waitress” that I’ve complained about in a couple of my posts back in March.

There was this one time that I had a non-serious debate with one of my co-workers about how a sign should be put up; whether the sticky-tape should be on the inside, outside, etc.

There were several interruptions since we were in the middle of work.

My co-worker was the one who put up the sign, I got the last word in, and she put the sign up my way. Then the certain waitress passed by and asked, “Who who won that argument?”

“Hm?” I wondered. “No one…” Which was sort of true. Since I didn’t feel like I won anything, but my co-worker didn’t win anything either. It wasn’t serious anyway.

“Of course, of course,” she said, grinning at me knowingly. She gave me the look that one would give you a person who’d lost yet isn’t admitting it…

My anger metre went up sky-high. =*=

This actually happened in December last year, mind you… And yes, I still remembered it, since it pissed me off quite a bit.

Yes, I was pissed.

…How many times have I used the word “pissed” in this post?

…Oh well, my friend(s) never ceases to piss me off. x) Partly because Depression makes me easily-irritated, and partly because I have a bad personality… (unless I’ve had Depression since I was in elementary school, then it’s definitely related to my personality. I’ve always gotten irritated, annoyed and angry at pointless stuff since I was a kid. I’ve gotten better since entering middle school, but then Depression kicked in. So then, oh, back to easily-irritated with everything pointless! 8D).

…Even their face(s) pisses me off sometimes. Never mind how, ‘cause I don’t really care, ahahaha. xD

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~