Day by Day. Weeks by Weeks.

Like usually, when I'm in a tired mood, I feel like I need a break.... actually, I just lied. Usually when I'm in a tired mood, I'd not want to be alive, actually...

I always get that tired feeling on Friday afternoons... only to quickly realised three seconds later that I have work, followed by a short period of time where I spend doing things that I need to but aren't so important like school, work, the same, work... and then school rolls by yet again. This is another part of when I said that I hate restrictions. To realise that school was over for the week, only to realise that there's more work to be done, then the same circle breaks out yet again with no real break. Having this knowledge in my mind almost 24/7 makes me somewhat tired...

It grinds my motivation to study to nil... and music theory/class is sounding more complicated day by day. My brain is going to burst.

...But eventually, I'll get out of my tired mood. But then enter it once again, only to realise that there'll never be a break, once again.

Two assignments due this Friday, then a test next week... it's actually not a lot, and I'm glad that I finally get work to do since I've been complaining about the school/curriculum and all... which, of course, remind me of my own stupidity, incompetence and laziness. If I keep on complaining on how their are none, why aren't I doing now that there's one?
Well, I know the reason of course. The reason that I wanted work was the same reason that I'm not doing any. I hate the fact that we barely get any homework, and it makes me feel so ultra ultra ultra stupid and possibly ultra lucky, yet unlucky somehow...

However although I feel the above, I still feel like I'm not doing enough. There's too much free time. Too less work. Too much happiness, too much ease, too much of everything good.

I hate myself once again for feeling tired when I'm not even doing that much. Some people work ten times harder than me, and they're not complaining.

I've got it easy, I have to keep reminding myself time and time again...

I didn't believe my friend when she said that I'm "already doing so much" when I said that I wanted to get a second job... I didn't believe my friend(s) when they'd reckon that I "am too hard on myself"... back then I'd said "I have to be hard on myself, because then who else will?", seeing that my parents let me do whatever I like. (They're too nice, goddamnit. Oh wait, actually, it's because they're busy working putting food on the table~)
But the truth was that I didn't really believe them. I didn't think that I was "too hard on myself". I'm barely "hard on myself", actually... what does "hard on yourself" really means, anyway?
I think I'm extremely slack. That's why I'm blogging and not doing my assignment that's due on Friday. =*= That's why I'm not studying everyday. That's why I can't ever be good at anything. That's why I keep on handing in my Japanese homework late. That's why I keep on able to complain about things. That's why I'm not working everyday. That's partly why I hate myself so friggin' much... =*=

...hah...

...I'm in a tired mood once again. Which in turns makes me want to not do anything at all, let alone live...

Haaaaaaahhh... maybe it was because I wasted too much energy being excited about Cryptology, or maybe it was because I only slept for 5 hours last night, because I have to work tomorrow, or because I have to go to school tomorrow?

I feel like it's more because "I have to wake up tomorrow", but that's just my mental mind screaming because it just loves making itself depressed... possibly.

I really feel like doing nothing at the moment...

Today, Afternoon. ;)

I woke up this morning feeling strange.
One possible - very probably - scenario immediately popped into my head: sick?

I woke up a little earlier than usual, but then went back to sleep... and woke up at the normal time. I moved around, discovering that my muscles felt strangely heavy and slow, and were aching slightly. After a few more seconds I realised that my nose wasn't blocked, but blocked at the same time - blocked but breathable, thus how I didn't noticed the blockade at first moment of consciousness.
I blew my nose. I could tell right away that I was sick at that point... I wouldn't really want to tell how, but let's just say it was colour-related. :/

Like usual on the weekends, I got out of the room and went downstairs to grab my breakfast-lunch-dinner. :3
After I finished preparing, I brought it upstairs and began eating. After that, I wondered what to do for a few minutes. My schedule says that it's Watching Anime time, but there are other things that I have to do. I'd borrowed my friend's Music Book yesterday so that I can copy out everything that she'd written down for last Semester. That certainly won't be finished in a few minutes - I even skipped dinner yesterday for this. :O Although it didn't really make much difference though, I wasn't that hungry anyway...
So I got down to continue the copying. I feel sort of dazed - maybe it's the sickness... or whatever. My forehead is also warm, but not hot, so it's probably not too bad. As I continued writing, I found myself drifting.
Me: "I should be resting. I'm sick."
Other me: "What are you saying? You have to return this book tonight, so you have to finish copying this by afternoon."
Me: "But the sick are excused... they have reasons!"
Other me: "Nonsense. You don't have to sleep. Besides, the only thing moving right now are your hands. Other parts of your body are resting."
Me: "Hm. True that. But I have work tonight. I should rest for it, too..."
Other me: "Shut up. You have to finish copying this."
Me: "Alright... and I can't take a day-off either."
Other me: "You can if you really want to."
Me: "I don't mean it like that. I can't because I simply will not. Who cares if I'm dropping dead?"
Other me: "True that."
Me: "Why am I sick anyway? It wasn't even cold last night."
Other me: "Good question."
Me: "...hm... and last night I had a terribly runny nose... why is that? I didn't really run into a puff of smoke or a pile of dust anywhere for me to catch hayfever."
Other me: "Maybe your whatever-sickness now is because of yesterday's rain."
Me: "Oh yes! The rain!! :O Genius!"
Other me: "Stupid!"
Me: *accepts the insult readily* "Alright then, I'm going to continue writing now."
Other me: "Good."
Me: "But you know, if I don't rest it could get worse."
Other me: "Then make it not get worse."
Me: "...hmm... I will try to find a way, ahaha."
Other me: "You are the master of your own body and a master of your own life, no?"
Me: "Certainly. :) I guess I'll just think that it won't get worse and ignore this ever existed then it'll just go away, lol. And I'll probably feel better after a shower anyway."
Other me: "Although I doubt that it would truly work, go ahead."
Me: "Okay, I'll continue writing now."
Other me: "You're so stupid. Why do you keep getting off-track? And it's a conversation with yourself, no less! Outrageous!"
Me: "I know. =*=" Then I hopped on to write this before the Conversation with Myself flows out of my memory completely. ^^

Ohh, I'm so lucky!
I rarely get terrible sickness. :)
At the moment I only have a blocked + runny nose (it's so weird that I have both at the same time ==") and I just feel dazed and strangely tired. My muscles are just very slightly aching and they feel slightly heavy. And you know that dazed, heavy feeling where you feel like if you stand up you're going to fall over? I have that, but it's slight, too! XD
See, not much able to stop me from working!!

Well, there's still 12 or so A4 pages for me to copy, so I will now return. ^O^

Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

Restrictions.

I hate them.
Maybe it's because I feel them in every minute that I am awake. Maybe that's why I hate life, too.
I can't let go of the feeling that there's "always something to do - there's never nothing to do" which is true... which makes me envy (and want to whack) those people who keeps complaining of boredom. And my guess is that those certain people probably envy (and want to whack) people who keeps complaining of busyness as well... not that people who are truly busy actually have time to complain about anything.
I also feel a time restriction in every minute that I am awake, too.
I dislike it a little more than usual when I'm on holiday, mainly because it's holiday. Why do I have to always be so conscious of the time when I'm on holiday? But to no avail, I'm afraid - I have to always be conscious of the time...
I should just set my phone to ring an alarm every 30 minutes. That might be useful... but that still doesn't stop me from being so conscious about the time!!
I wish I could just spend a whole day without worrying about anything at all for once - but that is ultimately impossible!! I either have work or school - one of them, to think about!!! This year, I've had a full day-off from both school and work a few times... countable on one hand! I'm sort of happy but not happy about at it at the same time!

I also want to comment on how I am living in Australia - Australia has so many laws and regulations that I fear just about everything I do, even though maybe not so much, depending on the situations. I fear of this when I cross the road. I fear of this when I write my name down on anything. I fear of this when I go to any public place. I fear of this when I buy anything. I fear of this when I say anything.
Because "I never knew that it was illegal!" isn't an excuse one can use against the court when they've been arrested or fined for some sort of crime!!! And I certainly don't know all of the laws and regulations of Australia! If possible, I sort of want a book on this, read it, and memorise everything, so that I won't ever accidentally get into trouble...(and without even knowing it, no less!)
In Thailand I can fear the law a little less, because... at least I have my dad to protect me!! XD (who is a policeman~!)

Restrictions is also something that support my wish to be forever single very well. Apart from the fact that I am a scaredy-cat; my thoughts are not so different to those of Belle's in one of her posts < that's for my friends in real life.

...hah. Sometimes I wish I'm a carefree person...
Living is so tiring...

Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

Re: My Own Post :P + Other Random Crap

When I'd planned my Holiday Schedule - Winter 2012, I forgot to consider the fact that I should check my email everyday.

I haven't been online for almost 3 days because of my new schedule, and I come online to find 5 blog posts waiting to be read and 30 emails waiting to be... deleted. They were all notifications from Facebook and MangaFox Forums. :P

And it's only been less than 3 days and I'm already wanting to break off from my schedule... something that I was totally expecting. I've made so many of those schedules over and over again, but every time I only end up following it for a few days then just slacking off afterwards.
I hope I'll be able to follow it at least for a week this time... aahh, how I hate myself. ^^

There have also been some changes to my schedule - no Tuesday-off for me no longer. :) It's everyday now~
I don't particularly feel too sad or happy over this...

I've been fractious like always lately, too.
Ah... living is such a bother, and smiling is even more of a bother. I don't know why I'm working in a job that requires Customer Service when I don't like to smile. :/ Well, unless I was in a good mood, but I'm rarely in a good mood.

I'm still irritated over little, pointless things like the First Day of the Week. I've secretly been holding an irritation over this ever since it was brought up around 4 months ago. It's been brought up again and now I'm still irritated over it. ^^

Aah... I'm just going to not care, though. It's better this way... I wish wouldn't care about anything... Haaahh... Living tires out every fibre in my body. ==

Lack of Endurance and Lack of Effort

Which do you agree with more, "everyone is born equally", or vice versa?

I've read a considerable amount of manga, and in some, the philosophy they use are different. One says that everyone is born equally, but another says that everyone is born unequally - some are born into a poor family, etc, etc, etc.

Personally, I don't really think anyone is "exceptional". Life applies the same, annoying, unbreakable rules to everyone. I just hate those rules, I just can't stand them, I'm too tired to follow them, and I don't want to follow them.

Oh well, life isn't really what I was planning to blog about. =="
You're probably so tired of it now, you're planning to stop following my blog, right?? ><

The other day, another innocent conversation triggered me into a certain phrase [but this is positive... I think], that will most probably, very sadly, short-lived. I just know. It's happened before. =="
My mum and I came home one day after the same routine of work. We settled down then she started a conversation, "Today, Tony complained that he was tired."
Me: "Uhn." I already knew, since I heard him complaining, too. Tony's one of the chefs, btw. He's younger than my mum, though. [By farrrrr]
Her: "But look, I work from morning to night everyday, and I don't complain. Your aunty's even off worse. She wakes up early in the morning... Him complaining shows a lack of endurance."
By this point I was thrown into another self-ponder mode. Another one of my many "Hard Working" phrases started again, but I just know that it's going to last no more than a month, at most. It'd happened more than once, in the past. =="
Me: "I also have a lack of endurance, then." I mean, seriously now. I only work 5 hours a day at most, and I'm already complaining!? Shame on me, shame on me!! Weak!! I have to try harder!! There's no excuse, no excuse!! Pathetiiccc!!
Her: "...but you're still a child, so it's ok," she tried to reason.
Me: "Noooo, it ain't okay," I immediately replied. There are kids out there who're starving to death, working from morning til night to feed themselves and their family... and they aren't complaining!! It ain't okay!

Every time this fact hits me, I feel really guilty because usually I'd be acting quite irresponsible and all...

I've been a terribly bad child lately, not studying properly, leaving my assignments until the last moment, playing too much games, procrastinating too much, going to bed one hour later than usual and trying to get out of work as quickly as I can.

What I should be doing better is to prioritise. I know what is important and what is not, but what I do and what I should do are two different things. =*=

It pains me to the core to know that I didn't get 100% on my last Math exam. It makes me want to cry and slap myself into shaping up. [...almost said torture there, but it sounded a little too heavy...]
It pains me to know that I only get around $200 AUSD per week at the moment, and that could barely make a difference to the family's income. [I only contribute $100, though. The rest I keep...]
Which all comes down to that I simply have to work harder. I have to stretch out my working hours as long as possible, more so since I actually get the chance.
I thought that maybe 5 days a week just wasn't enough, but if I increase it my schoolwork will likely be neglected... =.="

Ah, what a bother it is to live...

Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

"Don't Worry!", "There's Nothing to Worry About!", "You Shouldn't Worry About Such Things!", "Everything's Going to Be Okay!", "Everything's Going to Be Fine!", "You'll Be Alright!", "You'll Be Fine!"

...such irritation-inducing advice they are. ...to me in a bad mood, anyway.

There's no logic, no base, no reasoning, no anything.
Just one sentence full of nothing but baseless hope. And hope are uncertain things. Hope and despair are too similar to each other for me to rely on "hope".
Hope and despair are like opposites, but being opposites, they are extremely similar as well.

But, really, I no longer give a crap. Because I don't want to feel anything any more........

BUT IF ONLY that could be the ultimate truth. :/

Is there no way to die painlessly, quickly and neatly without committing suicide? Is there no way to just disappear off the face of the earth like you'd never existed? Is there no way to wipe out every emotion you can feel? Is there no way to just not be born? Is there no way to destroy the whole damn world without killing or hurting anyone or without creating a sin?

...The things I want the most are things that seems to be beyond impossible. =="

Optimists can be optimistic because they have confidence in themselves, more or less. But I don't really have much. You could say I don't even have any, actually. I can't even trust myself to do a basic sum properly; anything ranging from 7 - 5, 6 + 5, 10 + 4, 2 x 6, 10/2 and such. I would come up with an answer, but then I wouldn't be sure whether I'd gotten it right or not, so I would also do it twice, or grab a calculator.
A couple of years ago, I would be confident enough to be sure that I would at least get a C in everything.
But now, even if it's a Maths test, a subject that I have never before in my life gotten anything lower than a B, I wouldn't be sure of my results until I get them back. Even if all of the questions on the exam were ones that I knew, and even if I'd answered them all easily, I still wouldn't be sure that I would get an A, or even a B. You never know what's going to happen, after all.

Presentations and performances are worse. But that's quite obvious.

My Silence Strategy probably resulted partly from this, as well. ...I don't even have confidence in what I say.

Which is also partly why those baseless words annoy me so much. They are optimists - or at least, they aren't pessimists. So they would have confidence up to a certain point. And here they're raining their confidence on me. But there is something to worry about, and there is a chance that everything won't be fine. After all, I ain't any intellectual person, I'm just a stupid girl of a failure.
How do they even know that everything's going to fine? That it's going to be alright? Don't tell me they can see the future! Don't say that they have confidence in me! How can they have confidence in someone like me; I don't even have the least confidence in myself! It makes no sense, and I hate it when people say things like that with such certainty when they don't know for certain that things will be alright!
It's no difference to someone saying to you, "You will fail that next exam."! Just because it's positive, and just because everyone thinks I'm smart, it still doesn't make the fact that I'll pass certain! They don't know how much knowledge I attain, they don't know how smart or stupid I am, so how do they know!!??
They don't! They can't read my mind! They don't know how much of anything I can remember, they don't know how slow I am! Yet they have such confidence in that, while I obviously don't deserve it, because there is a chance that I will fail!

...Real optimists tend to have considerately high confidence... that's for certain. And so when they say those words to me, it pisses me off since their confidence is obviously miss-aimed. =="
[I guess that also goes to say that I don't like to disappoint people (actually, I HATE it). Which is true, I must admit. >///<]

...for some reason, I feel like I have a lot of problems. But oh well! They're nothing anything except me should worry about, anyway. After all, I will repeat myself, I ain't anybody important! ^^

I'm just complaining here, living up to my blog's name! :P

Well then, adios~! XD

From,
Mage-chan~

Blah Blah. I Feel the Need to Smash-Mash My Brain.

Someone come kill me now. Kill me now. Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me!!

It doesn't have to be a person, a bomb, an explosion, a fire, a sword, a gun, whatever!!
I don't care whether it's painless or not any more!!

I want to freakin' die!!
Gaaaaaaahhh! I don't care if I have regrets, I don't care even if I don't get to say anything, I just DON'T WANT TO FREAKIN' LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hah.
Hahhh...

School now kills me: I just had an argument with a fellow friend on the Australian Government and the Australian Education. She's most probably winning. (I don't know. I can't tell!!! But I think so!!!)
I suck at arguments anyway. I'm a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl after all.

But the truth is... do I really care?
Australia's Education makes me want to kill myself. =="

Ohhh, I'm such an unreasonable person.

I've been trying to not be pessimistic, pessimistic, die, die, die, kill, kill, kill lately, but I guess it's impossible if what has made me so frustrated is slapping me in the face, and that I see it 5 days a week.

Oh, every time I think about Maths, I always have the sudden urge to bang my head against something!!!

And when I was into my emotionless phrase - I didn't think about it, I ignored it, I worked, I studied.
I decided to not give a crap, because giving a crap was just wasting time, and a big pain in the ass.

And I am going to pull back that mindset now. Emotions annoys me even more than Australian Education does.

Well, actually, what annoys me most of all, out of everything else in the entire universe, is myself!! :D

How to Make This Sound Gentle and Nice; Impossible. Besides, I'm Evil, I'll Tell You That.

I despise optimism. I'm sure you've heard me say that, like, a thousand times already.
Something that I despise more than optimism is stupidity. (and I contain a lot of stupidity, so I hate myself quite the amount, generally speaking)

And by this time, at this moment, I can't count the amount of times I wished I was dead.

...I'm finding it quite hard to get the message I want across right now.

One of my optimistic friend had declared that she "was trying to help me"....

It pissed me off so much I almost smashed my computer.
Well, okay, it didn't piss me off that much. I'd just exaggerated. But it did piss me off considerately.

What was she trying to help me from, exactly?
Pessimism? DA HELLL!! I like my pessimism, and my pride will not allow myself to be helped by someone who believes in optimism that much! And she sounded like she made a blog about optimism to help me... =="
But probably not. ...Hopefully not.
Besides, the only thing that blog does is annoy the hell out of me and trigger my contentious self. XD


And for god's sake, why is she helping me?? She should just... just... do nothing and continue working towards her own life! I'm sure there are other people in the freakin' world who needs more help than I do!!
I'm just one of these many, and so I should just be ignored! Actually, unless you're here to kill me, everyone should just ignore me!! I'm sure everyone had more important things to do than paying me any attention!!

Also, I'm perfectly fine! There's nothing wrong with wanting to die (personally I think it's totally normal, since we live in this sort of world), and there's nothing wrong with a little pessimism. =="
So! If you're perfectly fine in every way - and you think that your mind is perfectly fine as well, and someone comes and tells you that "they are trying to help you", wouldn't you be pissed!??

Ahahahaha, I only find myself despising optimism more. :P (optimism bliiinndddsss youuu)

Well, then, that's all for now. :D

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan~

"You Don't Have Any Reason to Die." "I Don't Have Any Reason to Live."

I always receive a mixed feeling whenever I hear [or read] those things where people talk about how you shadn't commit suicide.

I'd be a little annoyed, a smidge irritated, and maybe a little proud... and maybe a few more feelings that I can't name (simply because I am an idiot whose English leaves much to be desired).
I'd once watched this girl who is blind since she was 9 months old and is short of one arm [she had to cut it off because of some certain abnormality in it]. She said that people have told her that seeing her determination to live on had stopped them from committing suicide. The MC/Commentator/TV show person then asked her what she'd said as a response to that person. She'd said that [well, something along those lines], "You see me, I'm blind, I have cancer, I'm missing an arm, yet I still have a reason to live. So for what reason is it that you'll commit suicide?"
Everyone clapped at her words, but I was extremely tempted to smash my own thoughts into her face.

I hate life, I don't want to live. That's the reason I want to commit suicide (I'm not going to; I just want to ==).
I know how people have dreams in their lives; how some people have things that they want to accomplish one day.
Yet I can't seem to empathise [and maybe even understand] all of that.
I still think that life is pointless, I still just want to die as quickly as possible.
So my reason to die is because I have no reason to live, very simply. :D

The more days pass by, I have this feeling that I'm just getting more and more stupid, and I'm losing more and more control. By control, I mean that I feel like I'm... going insane.
Sometimes I become extremely frighten that I would suddenly start literally throwing a real tantrum at school. ...Man, that would be terrible. ==
Besides, lately, I've been feeling that, not only have I been talking too much, I've been reacting too much as well. I sometimes feel like I'm unnecessary exaggerating things, unnecessary reacting or caring about pointless things.
I feel like I'm straying off, too...
There isn't much else that I should be concentrating on apart from school [and work, but that doesn't need much concentration].

I'm such a hypocrite, I annoy myself. Well, there are lots of other factors about myself that makes me hate myself; hypocrisy is simply just another reason.
I want to follow the plan that I've set out for myself. It's best to just remain emotionless inside but smile on the outside, don't you think? That way everything would simply just run smoothly, no distractions, no disruptions, there won't even be depression or sadness, because you'd be emotionless anyway. :)
Emotions are such a pain it makes me want to brainwash myself so that I can be without them. =*=

The Desire to Die, = The Desire to SLEEP

Blugh.

If you'd read this post already, then that's good.

...today after coming home from school, even though it's my long-awaited day-off, the only thing I really wished to do... was SLEEP!!!

But there's never nothing to do; I need to catch up in Year 10 Japanese; that's 15 weeks worth of studying! And I need to do it as quickly as possible, but I also need to absorb everything in properly, otherwise there'd have been no point in studying it!
And there is still the SOSE exam and the Science exam next week! The hell, we still haven't received the Maths assignment for this mid-term assessment yet!

...*sigh*

I want to sleep.

Forever.

Blah Blah Blaaaaahh - Written Yesterday, Posted Today...

Goodness, this is so weird.

I never knew crying (?) uses up so much energy. I cried after school today, and at work I felt like I could drop dead!

Well, I think it was because I was crying but I’m not quite sure whether that’s the cause.

Hah! Do you want to know why I’d cried!? >.>

I finally finished a Taiwanese Light Novel series called The Legend of Sun Knight, and the pre-climax of the last volume was so, so sad!! Well, okay, it wasn’t “so, so” sad, but it was sad enough to make me cry!! (And my eyes are so tired!)

This series so just ultimately awesome. I’m really attached to the characters, especially the main character, so the fact that I’ve finished the series saddens me a little as well. But, I guess I’ll just continue to read Yu Wo’s other works! Because so far all the ones I’ve read by her are awesome!

They all contain some form of comedy – The Legend of Sun Knight makes me cracks up laughing! (But it also makes me cry, because Grisia is… how he is). Half Prince was also hilarious, and No Hero... I'm blaming the translator!!


Yes, I'm going to blame the translator with the fact that No Hero somehow isn't as interesting as Yu Wo's other works - it's the translator's fault!
Because the content is clearly interesting, yet I keep finding myself putting the book down! And also because Yu Wo's writing style is slightly different than to what I'm used to, especially if I compare it to The Legend of Sun Knight, or the English version of Half Prince. (but then again, the main characters have totally different personalities...)
Damn you, translator!

Rushin' Around - Japanese Exams~

Today was a pretty busy day for me! And I was also annoyed because everything just had to land on almost the same time!

Today, my violin lesson time and the time I'd scheduled my Japanese Speaking Exam collided! (I'm doing Japanese through Distance Education, for those who doesn't know.)
And because I didn't have a Year 9 Japanese lesson... wait, this is a bit complicated.

Let me start from the start.

Year 8 Japanese is the very beginner Japanese. I was put into this class at the start of this year since I've never done any official Japanese with a proper teacher before.
But I was too good, so they moved me up to Year 9 Japanese. :P
But then I was too good again! ...okay, they wanted to move me up so that I can do Year 11 Japanese when I'm in Year 11 - this way I can get the extra points when I graduate. At least that's what I think. So one day I received an email from my Year 9 Japanese teacher saying that my work has been very good, and that I can move up to Year 10 Japanese if I wanted to.
I took the opportunity. And so, this week is exam week, and I have to do the End-of-year Year 9 tests.

I don't have a Year 9 lesson today because of NAPLAN (those of you who ain't Australian - NAPLAN is practically a compulsory nationwide numeracy and literacy exam for Year 3,5,7,9 students [National Assessment Program - Literacy and Numeracy, I think, from the top of my head])
So I am free to choose whether I want to use that as a spare lesson or to go to my normal class, which is Science.

Our school's schedule goes like this: Period 1, Morning Tea/Recess, Period 2, Period 3, Lunch Break, Period 4.
I usually have my Year 9 Japanese lesson in period 2, where my normal class is Science, which means I miss Science once every week. Period 3 I usually have a Work Education class, but this week my violin lesson landed on this spot - as did my Speaking Exam. The "make-up" time slot for violin lessons is in period 2, and it's split into the first half and the second half - my teacher told me to go to the second half.
So I decided to go to my Science class, then to the make-up lesson, because the Science exam is also looming near.

In the end, I ended up doing this:
Science for 20 minutes, then rushed to a make-up violin lesson that went for 20 minutes.
Then I went to my Speaking Exam that went for around 23 minutes.
I dashed back to the music block to continue my violin lesson - which was supposed to be at this time, anyway, which went for approx. 30 minutes (- usually the lessons takes around 50 minutes).
Then I went to my normal class at that time to catch up - in 20 minutes, before that period ended!
And while I was relaxing since it was lunch time, I remembered that I'd intended to do the last of my Japanese exams, the Writing Exam, at that time!
So then I rushed to the "International Education and Languages Department" to grab my exam, which I rushed in doing... a little. I finished the exam which was meant to go for 40 minutes in 25 minutes just in time for last period. As the bell signalling students to head for their period 4 class rang, I threw my pencil down, rushed out of the library (in which I was doing the exam at), and dashed back to the "International Education and Languages Department", put my finished exam in the right folder then hurried to my period 4 class, trying to not be late.

All in all, it was a very successful day! :D

...So, talking about exams. The Japanese exams were ridiculously easy!! Way too easy!
I easily did them, and definitely passed them, without even studying! No, really. I didn't study. Not really, anyway.
Because I didn't feel the need to - I remembered what I'd learnt when I'd studied them, and so looking at everything that we've already learnt just makes me feel like I'm wasting my time, since I already knew everything! I just flipped through the textbook and revision sheets to make sure that I haven't missed out anything, but that's all.

The Listening Exam freaked me out, but not because I thought I would fail - seriously, who made those recordings!? It was so weird, and they were talking unnaturally slow...
The Reading Exam was also insanely, ridiculously easy...
Truth be told, I guess the only ones I'm really worried about are the Writing and Speaking Exams (if this is the Japanese ones we're talking about, that is)... the hard ones. ><
About the writing... well, I'm never sure of myself anyway! Even if I couldn't have made it any better, didn't rush, studied all day and all night, I'd still be worried over it! It's in my nature!
After I'd finished the Speaking Exam, my illogical mind was telling me that I must've failed. But at the same time my logical mind told me that I would've at least gotten a pass. Even if sensei had said those words to me after the exam, "Your pronunciation is outstanding! Your ability to change verb forms on the spot is amazing!" ...and other such praises. But even with that I cannot hold on to the certainty that I will retain an A! Because even with those words, I could still get a B, even a C! Oh, the devastation! ><

I want an A, no, I want all As on my Japanese exams! Because I've always been adept at learning the language, but I've never been officially assessed before, and these were my first Japanese exams in my entire life!
I feel a strange sense of dread, accomplishment, development and progress!

...Actually, There's More to the Problem... There's Never No More to the Problem... T^T

You know how I'd said that the only problem left is my stubbornness?
NO! That was a lie!

My confidence is also a problem...
And my negative thinking hasn't exactly disappeared. It's hard to not be depressed and yet not be optimistic. ...I refuse to become an optimist! I will remain a pessimist!
Well, if possible I'd prefer to stand in the middle, but that's a bit hard to do...

I mean, I know that being optimistic would be best for a good mental health, but I don't want to become an optimist, simply because optimists annoys me!!!

Hahh... Oh well, I'll just go with the flow for now~

Something That is Hard to Achieve Yet is Always Wished For

Dreams~
Goals~

I believe almost everyone would have the above?
But I myself haven't had such a thing for a while now, and the only wish in my head had been "to die a quick, neat, painless death soon".
But since I'm not brave enough to commit suicide and I've already put that thought to the side anyway, maybe it's really time I stop pointlessly moping and just live this pointless life.
Before I got into my ultra-depressed state, but was just being pessimistic and purely logical, I thought I'd go in the Economics direction.
I used to want to be an architect, when I was little - because I was good at maths, and everyone says that I'm great at art - but no!! I very soon realised that I lack something quite important or an architect! And that's creativity! I have an extreme case of boringness and repetitiveness)!
And so in the end, the only subject that I can rely on myself to succeed at was mathematics. And I have an interest in the state of this terrible world so I thought I might study Economics! I find it all pretty interesting, too.

I'm glad I took a part in the Sharemarket Game, despite the fact that we'd failed miserably. :3

Now, maybe I'll just come out of my pointless moping - you see, this is what I think; depression was caused by myself, by my own negative thinking, by my own worry, by my own stupidity. So if I was the one who'd caused it, only I can stop it!! If I didn't want to, then there'd be no way in hell that I'd be able to get rid of it!
Of course, I'll probably remain fractious, but that's something else.

And once I'd acquired depression, every possibility became an impossible, every hope became despair, and every wish became too far to reach.
Everything looked much harder, everything was just out of reach from stupid I; the future was dark, dark, dark and there was no hope.

But you know, it was just me running away - something I'd known all along, but didn't stop myself from doing it. It was because I didn't want to risk anything, I didn't want to try, I didn't want to attempt, because I was convinced that I was going fail everything.
But underneath that thought, I also knew that I was being illogical. If I didn't try, didn't risk anything, didn't attempt, then of course I wasn't going to succeed in anything.
But I continued running away.
Because I was scared - you know how I keep saying that I was a coward. Well, personally I think only cowards get depression. Because when I got depression, all I really wished for was death - and that's just more running away - running away from life.

I knew that I was wasting my time with depression, with despair, with everything.
I knew all along that I should just abandon all this pointless moping and just focus on getting myself a good future, because depression won't get me anywhere.
But I refused, because if I'd stopped being depressed...... let's just say it was just me being stubborn. :P

But I don't think I give a damn any more. I'd better stop being pointlessly stubborn. =="
Yep.
And this is the result from talking to my... new friend, the same person I'd mentioned in the A Coin Standing on Its Edge, Teetering post. ^^
I don't know, I guess talking to someone who'd already experienced life more than I have helped? Because the only ones I have been talking to are my friends, who're just [unintentionally, I believe] making my depression worse day by day!! But hearing him saying that he went through a tough time, yet is still trying makes me feel so bad, I thought that I'd better stop this!!!

Even better, he'd majored in Economics, something that I [probably] will also major in!!
...
Now I'm feeling really excited!! 8D

The only problem left is my pride; my stubbornness. I refuse to work out the economy for Australia!!!
I don't want Australia to become rich!!! Dx But I can only do it for Australia if I'm learning from the university in Australia!!
Ah, what a pain... =="

Oh, well, if I just ignore the part how Australia's education was what caused me depression, and Australia's uber annoying laws and regulations that are just too freakin' many that it's extremely irritating, I might return back to liking Australia somewhat. :P

Aah, amazing how a random, quick chat and a friend can change one's mindset. xD
This is the first time that I'd ever agreed with the "friends are nice; friends are important and they help you, etc." saying thing.
Because... I don't know... I think it's because I feel extremely restricted in real life to say or do anything, so I'm not as open as I am on the internet. Plus, like I said earlier, talking to someone who'd been through hard times already helped immensely. :3

...now let's just wait and see whether a State of Depression would return.

...but I feel really refreshed right now! :D
:) All thanks to my new friend..... sorry, does this sound creepy? ><

しゅうまつに、なにをしますか？

Title going Japanese!!
And no, I'm not really asking you for an answer... although you may tell me if you wish. :3
For those who doesn't know what it means; "what do you do on the weekend?" Lit: weekend on, what do?


When I was little, I loved weekends just like any other normal kid would.

But when I reached around Grade 3, I began to slightly dread each weekend that would come. The reason; weekends are usually when the restaurant is busiest.
I'm lucky to have a job - I've actually been working as the restaurant's cashier since I was in Grade 3!!
I knew that on the weekend I'll just face the severe hellish days that the restaurant always get, and I'd be tired near death. :P (exaggeration, yes)

But now I'm beginning to rejoice for the weekends once again, only just recently.
It's because I don't have to go to school - but it's not the "no school" part that pleases me, it's the "free time during the day" part - I needed time! I need more time!
If not, you guys can abandon this blog since I'd then have no time to write! I'd have to drop all of my mangas and animes, and fics! And my own stories will be forced to go on hiatus!

A time machine would be extremely useful! Or a Time Turner - I want Hermione's Time Turner!!!!

A Coin Standing on its Edge, Teetering

It's so strange, yesterday I was in the worst mood possible, since I made a [somewhat] drastic mistake at work. :3
The mistake was still in my mind when I woke up, and it is still in my mind right now, but I didn't feel as depressed about it as I did last night, going so far as to write a will/dying note. :P (which I didn't get to finish yet)

My attention was pulled away from it by a certain book that is just so awesome. It's a Taiwanese Light Novel by Yu Wo - two of her works has already been published as manhuas as well, and those two are my favourites!; 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight!! :D

They are so hilarious; you can read [some of] the light novel translations here or here. (do beware the name differences)
Currently, both 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight hasn't been fully translated online yet. But I have the whole The Legend of Sun Knight Light Novels in my possession, ahahaha! (If readers who are desperate wants to see what happen, I may be convinced enough to write up a detailed summary. :3)
Translating them won't work, because they come out sounding not as smooth > although I think I should practice my translating skills, lol...

Anyhow, today's title is a little more poetic than usual...
A coin being a metaphor of my mind - it's not that complicated. One side of the coin is the depressed side, and the other side is the happy side, lol. :P

Anyhow, I wanted to make a blog post.

But all of my drafts contains some sort of depression, however at the moment I don't feel like purposefully making myself depressed. Because I should indulge in a good mood when it's here - I'll turn into a bad mood at work anyway, because some of the waitresses' face just somehow annoys me. :P

I was in such a bad mood yesterday, too...

I guess it sometimes ring true, this "you should speak to someone" advice.
But the last time I talked to someone about my depression, it only made me more pissed - I think it's just because the other person only said stuff like, "why are you so depressed?", "what made you so?", "you shouldn't worry/think so much/be so hard on yourself, etc.", "you have to talk to someone!" and other annoying sentences.
They don't really understand - or rather, to me, it feels like they're not trying to understand at all, and I feel like they're only thinking about the top - the front of the problem, but this is something that needs to be fixed from the very core of it - if I continue thinking so negatively, then the outcome will continue to be the same.
Hah, I shouldn't be saying all this - it's making myself look stupid.
Anyhow, the reason I brought the "you should speak to someone" advice - I talked to someone, but it wasn't exactly about depression, and it just put me in a good mood. Since my friends make me so irritated so easily, I barely have nice, happy conversations with them anymore.
Plus, this person I talked to is, umm... on the same wavelength as I? His own words. :3
Pretty much, unlike my friends who are pure optimists (hah, so of course I'd be pissed at them ><), he... umm... understands?
No, I hate using this word!! It sounds so cheesy!!!!

Yes, so let's just drop that subject! (and I was the on who brought it upon myself... ==")

But now it's time I get ready for work. T^T

Later!

From,
Mage-chan~