Shutted (but Opened Now)

I haven't posted anything for a while, because I decided that I really needed to freakin' shut up.

I've written heaps of stuff - just elsewhere.

There are bits and pieces of blog posts and complaints everywhere - on my phone, on my Blogger account (I ended up with 22 drafts without knowing it! :O), on my PC as Word docs, on my Galaxy Tab and even my ultra-shiny Galaxy Note 10.1. And soon probably on my soon-acquired new phone - Galaxy Ace II...

Okay, so I know I'd decided that I needed to stop talking a long time ago.
But well, I failed... you know. Talking more than 20 sentences per day felt like a crime. (still does. good thing.)
The event that convinced me once again to shut myself up was the boss having come back from her one-week holiday - a short but blissful period of time for most staffs, including me.
Argument was futile.
I knew that, yet I attempted to argue anyway - of course, that ended with failure, as my opinion was rejected. Like always.
Pisses me off daily, but there's nothing I can do about it but endure. I seem to have forgotten already that this was to be expected - I really can't relax and let myself be happy for even a second, otherwise I forget those important points.
Just when I decided to actually try to work for customers' sake, I could only do it for one week - it's just time to change modes, I guess. Back to the cashier who doesn't care what happens to the customers cause it's not my job. But it was for a while; the head waitress and the boss both were away at the same time, so I temporarily took the role of Acting Manager (who doesn't really manage anything).
Everything was well.
But then the boss came back, and the head waitress hasn't yet.
Because of the boss, our staff number decreased under what people would call good.
Because of the boss, the rate of customers having booked and not getting a table/their preferred table increased from almost none and sky-rocketed.
Because there was a lack of staffs, I had to still look after outside, but the boss keeps getting in my way and the mistakes she makes, we have to solve.
Although of course that's normal already...
Why did I forget about it just after a week?
Hahaha.

I hate myself more for not being able to deal with it peacefully than the boss for being like that.

I shouldn't complain; I shouldn't warn her that what she's doing isn't recommended; I need to shut up.

So I did.
And I hope I will continue to.

My self-hate only increases, it doesn't go back down, like time.
It appears I've slacked off again.
Even though I've been trying to tell myself that I can't slack off even if it's the holidays - once I start, I don't trust myself enough to come back. ...okay, I don't trust myself for almost everything, FYI.
I can't believe it-----!!! Grrr, only, what, 3 days left until my Physics assignment is due and I'm stuck!! It's giving me the biggest headache...
And I'm so pissed off at my stupid teacher! (what is this? are all my science teachers from now on fated to be annoying!?) That person said that he was going to go through the assignment on the lesson of the term - a day which many students misses just because they don't want to come school. Of course I went. But I had a violin lesson, and when I went to the classroom they weren't there - they moved to a computer lab. And the stupid teacher didn't leave a note on the door! I asked around and was going to go on an expedition around the school to search for my class, but with failure.
Pisses me off thinking about it, so I'm not going to think about it, but I need to think about it to do it, so I need to think about it. =*=

My English assignment is also slightly worrying...

I also started D.Gray man (manga & anime 1st season). It. is. awesome.
But the art style in the newer chapters are weird - at least Kanda hasn't changed too much though. But what is up with Allen's hairstyle recently!?
And oh my god, last chapter - Timmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that's it.

~Mage-chan.

Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

Anime Expos and Anime Conventions; London, USA...

So, just from reading two of the blogs I followed, I found out that both London and USA (in some certain state, don't know where exactly, and it's not really important) both had an Anime Expo/Convention on the same weekend!!

Me: DAAAAMNNN YOUUUU!!!

:P If only I was back in Thailand...

But oh well... ><

Death Note: Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases

I am currently three fourth through this book.

There are some hilarious bits in there, I'm telling you.
However the third murder creeped me out; more easily so because I am alone in my house... and the sun has already moved on... no, that's not right - this part of the globe had spun away from it.
I mean, seriously. It had me visualise a certain scene that scared me a little - a corpse lying on its back in a middle of a room full of stuffed animals (plus two voodoo dolls) with its left arm and right leg completely cut off from its body - the leg was dumped into the bathroom of the house, and the arm was taken away by the murderer, namely Beyond Birthday.
It would've been totally fine if it was still daylight, however it is not. And I am alone. :) In the house, anyhow.

Most of the funny scenes involves L in some way - you know how he is!

Also, Mello does a fine job at narrating the story! Although I wonder when the heck he wrote this thing... it must've been after the Kira case, after L died, but it must also be after Mello died, but the narrator is Melllo! And Mello is saying that Kira should read this, and that he might be the second to read it after Near does... which means that Light is still alive. But what make the least sense is that Mello had talked about his own death!
...it really makes no sense. Who knows, maybe all will be revealed at the end... :3

Anyhow, it's a good book, I guess.

The humour is nice. :3 I like humour.

Reading about L bring tears to my eyes.... :P

Crecsendo, Keeping, Going and GONE

Oh mi gosh. O.o

I took the BDI again after approximately 2 or so weeks, and guess what I got? It increased by TEN points! O.o

Last time I took it I received a score of 28 (Moderate Depression), this time I got 38 (Severe Depression). Crap, it increased… and a lot, too. == (I discovered that I had Moderate Depression through the BDI only in February, and it’s April, so I guess it took me only 2-3 months to increase a level [unless I’ve had Moderate Depression for a long, long time now…] O.o)

Maybe that’s why I can’t really tell what’s pessimism and what’s depression anymore.

Must be all that visa and Work Experience stuff…

But who caressss! At the moment I’ve given up committing suicide, so it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s not like I’m going to go and randomly cut myself or anything either. :/ That’s not cool, really.

I’ve already decided to just ignore everything else, ignore what I want or what I feel, and only doing what I must, after all. That’s also why I’ve given up suicide [for the time being, mind you :P]. People tell me it’s wrong, you know it’s wrong, I know it’s wrong. And seeing that it’s so wrong, I decided to put it off; it’s a waste of time just thinking about it when I’m not actually going to do it [err… most likely] after all. So I’m just going to continue living, giving my best into what I must do.

Otherwise I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ll be stuck in the same spot, I’ll never be moving forward.

I’m probably repeating myself here [and I most probably will again in the future, because I simply can’t not repeat myself xP], but I no longer care. I no longer give a crap about what happens. There’s really nothing to be hoping for – I don’t want to feel disappointed and irritated and sad and frustrated about things anymore. I’m completely running away, yes.  Then again, I’m sort of facing it at the same time – I’m continuing on living, so I’ll have to face them anyway, but since I’m no longer hoping for anything, there’s nothing for me to be disappointed at, is there?

Maybe one day I’ll turn back into that cheerful kid I once was, but it’s unlikely. I’ve matured. I now know that life is terrible, and reality is harsh.

There ain’t much in life to look forward to except ma’ death < okay, that was depression. Even I could tell. :P

I’ve turned into a realist in my course of being depressed, and I no longer believe in hopes and dreams – dreams are generally hard to achieve, anyway.

Wouldn’t you know how lucky you are to be one of the few to achieve something like a dream?

Haaah…

Anyhow, I shouldn’t even be talking about this – I shouldn’t even be blogging at all, if I wanted to follow all of my goals. But I feel for the readers.  But then that means I’m still doing something that I ‘want to’, something that isn’t a ‘must’. Maybe I’ll just limit my posting then. Yep, let’s do that.

I work 5 days a week so let’s make it 2 posts a week – one per one day-off. :)

I’ll have to limit my internet time to even less – I think I’ll have to drop some manga series that I’m following as well; since I can’t regularly check the “Manga Releases” page of mangafox, I’ll have to make it easy for me so that I won’t have to check which series has updated so many times.

Let’s see, let’s make it like this,

Ones that I’m not dropping;

<Weekly Series;>

Noblesse – the characters are cool, and I want to see what happens next. Like, quite badly.

Detective Conan – I’ve been following this manga for 10 years. I am NOT going to drop it now. >.>

Nononono – it’s finishing soon anyway, doesn’t make too much difference. ^^

Gintama – too funny; reading it soothes me. :)

<Monthly Series>;

Oresama Teacher – hilariously random, a light, enjoyable read. Want to see Takaomi and Mafuyu get together.

Pandora Hearts – one of the most twisted series ever, I desperately need to reread it otherwise I’ll never understand it, with its several confusing events. And I really want to see the end too… T^T

Yumekui Merry – it’s awesome, a unique story, and I want to see how it ends, if it will.

Cahe Detective Club – just to see what happens to the romance between Nana and Touma. :3

Kuroshitsuji – the new arc looks too good.
Natsume Yuujinchou - very heartwarming, it's another light, enjoyable read.

Ones that I’m planning on stopping reading then coming back later in approx. 3-6 months (planning on, anyway);

Saki and Saki: Achiga-hen Episode of Side A – I just want to see Saki meet Teru!! ><

Skip Beat! – I like the newest developments, so I want to see what happens next.

Crepescule (Yamchi)

Ageha 100% – I want to see the ending, which is coming in approx. two more chapters.

Aoiro Toshokan

Chronos -Deep-

Taiyou no Ie

Ai Dano Koi Dano

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun

Shitsuji-sama no Okiniiri

Bleach – let it finish first and I might return to it, one chapter contains too less material. :/

Sensei ni, Ageru – all the same reason…
The Legend of Sun Knight manhwa - it's too good... even if I've already read the Light Novel version... it's too good! ><

Ones that I’m planning on dropping;

Magico – I was planning on dropping it anyway; it’s getting more boring by the week.

Half Prince – I’ve already read the summary of the ending, so meh. I’ll just read the climax then the resolution after the scanlation of the manhwa and the translation of the Light Novel finishes.

The Nanoha series – just ‘cause.

Hayate no Gotoku – I want to finish/catch up to this series one day, but not now.

Hunter x Hunter – it’s good, but it’s sort of lagging. I’ll pick it back up one day. Probably.

Shibatora – meh. I’ve lost interest in this series.

Zettai Karen Children – it’s good, but I didn’t like the newest [where I’m up to]’s developments; plus I don’t support the main pairing. Droppable. Dropped.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama! – also droppable; it’s not so good to the point that I have to read every new chapter. :/

Ao Haru Ride – [nothing but] cheesy, cliché, sweet romance ain’t really for meh. :P

New Prince of Tennis – go read it and you won’t have to ask.

Yada~

I Have Said This Before And I Will Say it Again: "Procrastination is An Enemy to All of Mankind"

I didn't say it on ma' blog, but I have said it... twice. On Facebook.
It was only a single sentence so it wasn't worth posting. Oh, maybe I should add that to the list of quotes I like on the right hand side of the page there. :)

My Holiday Tasks that I posted in... another post earlier... I've been procrastinating all of them except for No. 11. :P I did a little of No. 5 and No. 8, but that's little. I attempted to to No. 10 but that requires time and effort, of which I do not feel like giving. ...not really. :/

My Holiday Tasks:

1. Redo Italian script for assignment, due next term 
2. Make the Italian powerpoint for the assignment plus practice speaking (the script in #1)
3. Read To Kill A Mockingbird (for next term's English's Novel Study)
4. Look at Obentou Unit 8 (Japanese, starting that next term)
5. Forward with the Sharemarket Game (for information about the Sharemarket Game, read this)
6. Help Kaa-chan (I mean my mother) with IELTS tests (she needs to pass this to get another visa)
7. Go on Brisbane Trip with tomodachi and do Purikura (we planned on this last term, hopefully we'll get to carry it out...)
8. Progress with Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33 (my original story on Fictionpress.com)
9. Re-learn juggling (I've got my hands on really good juggling balls so I was planning on finally mastering the skill)
10. Attempt to master orchestra songs, remember the scales learnt in lessons; PRACTICE.
11. Catch up in Natsume Yuujinchou anime. Start Gintama and Full-Metal Alchemist.

And just now I finished No. 1... :D Yes, good, good.

I shall now do No. 2. But since I am writing this then that means that I am not doing it. I am actually procrastinating it by blogging!!!

I am also planning to do some of No. 3, then do No. 10...

AFTER THAT IT'S COFFEEEEEE.

Then I'm going to do No. 5. And once I've grown tired of doing No. 5, I'm going to do No. 8 as it is something I enjoy doing and won't get bored easily. :3

And I'm going to do No. 8 until it's time for work. After work I'll continue doing No. 5, then back to No. 8.

Finish the day of by leisure reading before I go to bed.

Perfect~!

No. 4, No. 6, No. 9 and most importantly No. 11 - that I happen to be doing the most - can wait until later.

I'll probably do No. 4 tomorrow, and No. 9 whenever. No. 6... I don't think I'll ever get to do that, and I'm trying to put off No. 11 as far away as possible, but failing. ==

No. 7... I actually don't really care what happens... :/ The decision's not really up to me anyway.

...now let's see if I really will do what I have planned....

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun: Misaka... You Are More Than a Little Cool

I just read the newest chapter of the manga. :3

It is EPIC, mind you...

Someone is picking on Misaka Mikoto, our very awesome main character.
I know most of you probably haven't read this, but I feel the need to say something about it, because the tension in the storyline if extremely high at the moment, if not into outer space. :3

There's this new antagonist that just appeared who goes to the same school as Misaka. <3
She has the ability to brainwash people!! 8D
Of course, that's not good, but....

Anyone who has yet to read To Aru Kagaku no Railgun or To Aru Majutsu no Index should try them out, just for the sake of it. :) It's got quite a few different versions...
The very original and main version of this verse or series is the To Aru Majutsu no Index Light Novels. There are also several Side Stories. There's an ongoing manga, and To Aru Majutsu no Index has two anime seasons, I think. Well, it has at least one... And a couple OVAs as well.
Then there's To Aru Kagaku no Railgun, the spin-off of the original To Aru Majutsu no Index, basing the story on a different character. And I like this other character, namely Misaka Mikoto. I happen to not really like the main characters in the original story and dropped it a while back, but am thinking of watching the anime... Anyway, To Aru Kagaku no Railgun has two anime seasons, plus two OVAs, I think.

Random Crap That You Don't At All Have to Read

I don't really have anything to blog about, and neither do I feel like doing it.

So why the heck am I doing this? ==

...
At the moment I'm just waiting for a certain episode of a certain anime to load a little so that I can watch it without too many interruptions.
So while I'm waiting maybe I'd just spout out some crap on my blog. :3

Hmm... now, what should I talk about.
I'm not in a State of Depression, so let's not talk about committing suicides and how much I just want to freakin' die already...

I'd like to talk about Natsume Yuujinchou, my latest anime/manga of obsession, but I'd preferred to do it in a style that I'd done for Pandora Hearts here. ...I've been saying that I want to do a lot of posts like that for lots of other series but my laziness wins over everything. :/
And I still have lots of it to spare. Although I'm quite sure that most people does.
However life doesn't exactly allow you to be lazy for too long. ==

That's why I just want to die already. I really can't be bothered doing anything, let alone living...

Aaah... :3

Most People Would Think I'm Weird. However I Just Lead a Different Lifestyle.

I'm beginning to dislike holidays.
Actually, I may already dislike them. Maybe not "holidays" as in day-offs, but definitely "school holidays".

There are several things that I have to do during the next two weeks before Term 2 starts.

My Holiday Tasks:

1. Redo Italian script for assignment, due next term
2. Make the Italian powerpoint for the assignment plus practice speaking (the script in #1)
3. Read To Kill A Mockingbird (for next term's English's Novel Study)
4. Look at Obentou Unit 8 (Japanese, starting that next term)
5. Forward with the Sharemarket Game (for information about the Sharemarket Game, read this)
6. Help Kaa-chan (I mean my mother) with IELTS tests (she needs to pass this to get another visa)
7. Go on Brisbane Trip with tomodachi and do Purikura (we planned on this last term, hopefully we'll get to carry it out...)
8. Progress with Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33 (my original story on Fictionpress.com)
9. Re-learn juggling (I've got my hands on really good juggling balls so I was planning on finally mastering the skill)
10. Attempt to master orchestra songs, remember the scales learnt in lessons; PRACTICE.
11. Catch up in Natsume Yuujinchou anime. Start Gintama and Full-Metal Alchemist.

Daammmmmn. =*=

And it's the holidays so now I have to work every freakin' day.

All the teachers and every other people think the same things. They think we have oh-so-much free time during the holidays so they give you work to do, thinking that we'd have lots of time to do them. =*=

I barely have time to read any manga. Well, that is, if I really follow on my plan without procrastinating, which is quite impossible...

So I'm still reading manga. But knowing that I have lots of other stuff to do makes me irritated as hell.

Although my mood right now is quite good, with the news about going to Sydney and all... :3

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~ ^^

The Day of Animated Mania!

Today was Animania Brisbane March 2012. Just saying.

I didn’t go, because of various reasons.

My other friends did, though. And one of them came to work approx. 45 minutes late then complained that she only had one hour sleep. Pisses me off. =*= (The other one took a day off.)

I told that certain waitress that it “was not my problem”.

It was hers’, and I could not care less. Her own damn fault for getting only an hour of sleep. I work 5 days a week, go to bed at midnight every day, go to school like everyone else, finishes all of my homework on time, plus self-study for Japanese, and practice violin (err… not so much of this, but it’s at least once a week…), yet I’ve always gotten lots of sleep.

I don’t friggin’ care what you’ve been doing, but work is one of the responsibilities that you now have, and you must be responsible to work properly.

Good thing she didn’t do many annoying things today. She didn’t do anything wrong, but she annoyed me by taking orders. I had to cringe again… haaaaah.

Okay, so first thing she said to me was “I only got one hour sleep”. The second thing she said to me was “you missed Animania!” in a whiny voice.

So I replied, “So…?”

I just don’t care anymore. It’d have been too tiring, and it wouldn’t have been good if I was late to work today, so now I’m glad I didn’t go. (I had to start at 5, too… This certain waitress arrived at 6.45pm, btw…)

Since the customers actually started piling in at around 5.30pm… == Yess, good thing I didn’t go, indeed.

I saved myself energy, money, and time.

And I really don’t care anymore, like I’d just said earlier.

I just want to die and get life over and done with.