おひさしぶりですー！

Ahoy there, minna! It has been over a year since we last saw each other.

How’s everyone been? XD

After I moved countries I got kinda… occupied. At first it was just me being lazy to write anything, plus this blog was laden with depressing things – while I was like… pretty happy in real life, so I didn’t really feel like writing anything ‘cause it would just kinda, I don’t know, ruin the dark flow? Hahahaha.

Anyway, my life in Thailand was – is, exhilaratingly awesome (okay, not really, I exaggerated a little). I mean… I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

That probably sounded really idiotic. XP

Well, now that I’m happy it’s not like I thought I was stupid when I was depressed or anything (I mean, even when I’m mentally fine I can still agree wholeheartedly with my past depressing thoughts, haha). --It was a nice experience! Everything in life is an experience!!

But after actually moving countries… when I was in Australia, in the actual environment that was just, to be simply put, turning me crazy… it was just that. It was “an environment that was turning me crazy”.

But after moving, I’ve been treating Australia like one whole traumatic experience. It’s been over one year and I’m rather proud of myself for being able to continue treating it like one whole traumatic experience! Actually, simply “speaking in English” makes me feel like I’m going to get an upset stomach… really!

Earlier I said I felt so freeeeeee, but after starting school I really did feel restricted and bounded – well, that was because of all the [school] work piling in. But well…

I can easily conclude that it was a lot better than the “chains” in Australia. Yeaaah! XP (okay, sorry, I really do feel really idiotic, but…)

I can do so many things that I can’t in Australia – like, like… watching all the anime I can because we have unlimited Internet!!! ....…it’s the littlest things in life that matters, right? XD Hahahahahahaha.

But really, unlimited Internet really made my wooorrrlldddd. Having to pay the Internet myself while on a prepaid plan was just… yeah…….. how many dollars did you think I lost per week simply to Internet??? TT___TT

…that wasn’t Australia’s fault, of course. But still. It was part of the lifestyle I lead so “they’re all in it together”!!

School-wise, the lack of basic knowledge in some subjects had me on edge, but I was lucky that my friends – even though they actually learnt it and I didn’t – didn't really know it either (they just forgot). So I guess we’re almost on the same page… almost.

I guess my lack of calculation skills did hurt quite a bit, since it brought me problems with not only the subject of Maths itself, but also Physics and Chemistry. But it tolerable, seeing that my grades ended up being 11th in my year and 5th in my class. Surprisingly... and I thought I was going to fail!! +{}+

I’ve always regarded myself as a Thai person, and I do get offended when people tell me how “Australianised” I am… the idea is that I no longer want to do anything with that country? Hahaha…

I'm in school holidays at the moment, so I had some free time. Holidays here put me in such a good moooood. ---Holidays in Australia never does!! It had always been the busiest times!

I have so many books I want to reeaaadd, but having all these books available is already a great joy! Books in Australia are so expensive...

I came just for the sake of coming, by the way. A little sad when it's been left alone for so long, you know...

Lastly, I'm going to give you all a book recommendation. Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon. To be honest, it was only after I read this book that I decided to come blog a little.
This book actually made my tears appear a little, because it made me feel that all I've been doing for the past 4 years on my hobbies really haven't gone to any waste.

Ja na,

Mahou Mage.

Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

It's a Curse. =*=

The moment I thought "I'm not going to forget this", I forget it.
I could blame someone on this happening, but I'm not going to. ...Trying not to.

Once again, my little USB goes missing. :/ =*=
Not so worried since I have a back-up copy from a few days back, on the weekend... (And the fact that there's a "This USB Belongs to...." document on it, as well...)
But still.
I lost/forgot the freakin' thing.

Yet again, UNBELIEVABLE.

I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it.
Just how much more stupid, idiotic, foolish, careless, and irresponsible can I be?
Maybe next I'll forget to hand in my assignment. Haha. Oh noes, now that I've said that it could become an omen and maybe I really will. -____-
My English isn't the only thing that's degraded. Although of course I knew that from a long while ago. ^^
I will now start hypnotising myself. -_-
I have to be more quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet.
Talking is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Do not ever mention anything about yourself again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again.
Complaining is also always unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Everybody hates you--- well, okay, that may not be true.
The world will one day befall upon you your punishment. One day. One day. One day. One day. One day.
Being sick is an invalid excuse for everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything.
Do not assume that forgiveness is always given to you. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not.
Don't stray. No swaying. None. None. None. None.
Be realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic.
Shouting is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Fake smiles should be kept alive as long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible.
Don't give up even if you're on the verge of death because no one really cares, not because you might achieve something. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.
I could be dying right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now.
You deserve to fail... no, really. But you already know that for certain and you haven't forgotten it once, so... wait. When did I start writing in 2nd person?? O.o
Meh. 2nd person sounds cool. Let's just leave it like that.

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan.

Day by Day. Weeks by Weeks.

Like usually, when I'm in a tired mood, I feel like I need a break.... actually, I just lied. Usually when I'm in a tired mood, I'd not want to be alive, actually...

I always get that tired feeling on Friday afternoons... only to quickly realised three seconds later that I have work, followed by a short period of time where I spend doing things that I need to but aren't so important like school, work, the same, work... and then school rolls by yet again. This is another part of when I said that I hate restrictions. To realise that school was over for the week, only to realise that there's more work to be done, then the same circle breaks out yet again with no real break. Having this knowledge in my mind almost 24/7 makes me somewhat tired...

It grinds my motivation to study to nil... and music theory/class is sounding more complicated day by day. My brain is going to burst.

...But eventually, I'll get out of my tired mood. But then enter it once again, only to realise that there'll never be a break, once again.

Two assignments due this Friday, then a test next week... it's actually not a lot, and I'm glad that I finally get work to do since I've been complaining about the school/curriculum and all... which, of course, remind me of my own stupidity, incompetence and laziness. If I keep on complaining on how their are none, why aren't I doing now that there's one?
Well, I know the reason of course. The reason that I wanted work was the same reason that I'm not doing any. I hate the fact that we barely get any homework, and it makes me feel so ultra ultra ultra stupid and possibly ultra lucky, yet unlucky somehow...

However although I feel the above, I still feel like I'm not doing enough. There's too much free time. Too less work. Too much happiness, too much ease, too much of everything good.

I hate myself once again for feeling tired when I'm not even doing that much. Some people work ten times harder than me, and they're not complaining.

I've got it easy, I have to keep reminding myself time and time again...

I didn't believe my friend when she said that I'm "already doing so much" when I said that I wanted to get a second job... I didn't believe my friend(s) when they'd reckon that I "am too hard on myself"... back then I'd said "I have to be hard on myself, because then who else will?", seeing that my parents let me do whatever I like. (They're too nice, goddamnit. Oh wait, actually, it's because they're busy working putting food on the table~)
But the truth was that I didn't really believe them. I didn't think that I was "too hard on myself". I'm barely "hard on myself", actually... what does "hard on yourself" really means, anyway?
I think I'm extremely slack. That's why I'm blogging and not doing my assignment that's due on Friday. =*= That's why I'm not studying everyday. That's why I can't ever be good at anything. That's why I keep on handing in my Japanese homework late. That's why I keep on able to complain about things. That's why I'm not working everyday. That's partly why I hate myself so friggin' much... =*=

Term 3 Schedule, 2012 (UPDATED)

Here's the schedule for this term! \^O^/ (as opposed to this.)

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
8am	Sleep	IT Physics Work Ed Maths C	Maths B English IT, Jap Music	English Music Maths C Maths B	Maths C IT Work Ed Physics	Music Physics Maths B English	Sleep
12pm	Watch Anime						Watch Anime
1pm
2pm	HW/Study
3pm	CoffeeBreak	Bus	Bus	Bus	Bus	Strings  Orchestra	CoffeeBreak
3.3pm	HW/Study	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din	Exe -> Din		Write
4pm	Write	V–20mins	V–20mins	V–20mins	HW/Study
4.3pm	~~~	Computer	Read	Computer	Computer	Read	Thai
5pm	Work		HW/Study	HW/Study
6pm			Work			Work
7pm					ThaiStudy
8pm		Write			V–15mins
9pm		HW/Study	HW/Jap	Jap, Music	Write
10pm	Write	ThaiStudy	Write	Computer	Thai	Write	HW/ Computer
11pm	Computer	Thai	Computer	Read	HW/Study	Computer
12am	Sleep~					Read	Read

Legend:

Exe = Exercise

Din = Dinner

Jap = Japanese

V = Violin

Computer: free reign on the internet and computer, including blogging but not writing on original stories, and includes reading manga and playing Crystal Saga.

Thai: read, study, revise, do anything in Thai or about Thai and Thailand
Thai Study: studying with Thai textbooks

Japanese: Japanese study

Watch Anime: May be on the Internet or TV

Read: does not include online manga, but include manga tankoubons, fanfictions in Kindle format, light novels and novels

Write: includes blogging, fanfictions and original stories

-Where there is a “/”, it indicates that the first item is of limited material, so if there are none or it is all completed, the second item shall be the issued activity.

-a “,” indicates cutting the time frame into half, doing both equally.

-the “->” means that the first item is of a short time frame, and the second item will be the time frame’s main activity.

-Any activity that has a limited timeframe of less than 30 minutes or one hour will be followed by the next timeframe's activity.

Total Hours:

School: 30 hours

Work: 19 hours

Homework/Study: 7 hours

Japanese: 1.5 hours (plus the Study Periods)

Computer: 9.5 hours

Thai: 3.5 hours + 2 Study Periods

Read: 5 hours

Write: 6 hours

Watch Anime: 3 hours

[Blank]: 0.5 hours

Total: 84.5 hours, out of 168 hours, plus approximately 58.4 hours of sleep. 84.5 + 58.4 = 142.9, 25.1 hours left over...

~~

This is not my ideal timetable. If it is, there would be more School, more Work, and more Study. But that is unrealistic, impractical, and impossible. I don’t expect myself to study too much, so I can only put one hour at a time, to lessen the risk of me veering off the original intent, this way there is a higher chance of me actually following the timetable…


Note to Self:
Certain activities may be swapped if need be, as long as an activity with a lower level of importance does not over taken that of a lower one.
Level of Importance goes as follow, from most important to less important:
School
Homework
Work
Study
Japanese
Thai Study
Thai = Violin
Write
Read
Computer
Dinner
Sleep
Watch Anime

...hah...

...I'm in a tired mood once again. Which in turns makes me want to not do anything at all, let alone live...

Haaaaaaahhh... maybe it was because I wasted too much energy being excited about Cryptology, or maybe it was because I only slept for 5 hours last night, because I have to work tomorrow, or because I have to go to school tomorrow?

I feel like it's more because "I have to wake up tomorrow", but that's just my mental mind screaming because it just loves making itself depressed... possibly.

I really feel like doing nothing at the moment...

Hi. Bye.

There are more than a few things that I want to say.

I feel like I haven't blogged in quite a long time, but in truth it's probably not even 2 weeks yet.

I don't know, every time I jump online, I'd open up my three drafts... then jump offline without writing anything new.
I dunt have the energy, possibly. Dunno why really...

If this continues, I probably won't blog in quite a while...

Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

Restrictions.

I hate them.
Maybe it's because I feel them in every minute that I am awake. Maybe that's why I hate life, too.
I can't let go of the feeling that there's "always something to do - there's never nothing to do" which is true... which makes me envy (and want to whack) those people who keeps complaining of boredom. And my guess is that those certain people probably envy (and want to whack) people who keeps complaining of busyness as well... not that people who are truly busy actually have time to complain about anything.
I also feel a time restriction in every minute that I am awake, too.
I dislike it a little more than usual when I'm on holiday, mainly because it's holiday. Why do I have to always be so conscious of the time when I'm on holiday? But to no avail, I'm afraid - I have to always be conscious of the time...
I should just set my phone to ring an alarm every 30 minutes. That might be useful... but that still doesn't stop me from being so conscious about the time!!
I wish I could just spend a whole day without worrying about anything at all for once - but that is ultimately impossible!! I either have work or school - one of them, to think about!!! This year, I've had a full day-off from both school and work a few times... countable on one hand! I'm sort of happy but not happy about at it at the same time!

I also want to comment on how I am living in Australia - Australia has so many laws and regulations that I fear just about everything I do, even though maybe not so much, depending on the situations. I fear of this when I cross the road. I fear of this when I write my name down on anything. I fear of this when I go to any public place. I fear of this when I buy anything. I fear of this when I say anything.
Because "I never knew that it was illegal!" isn't an excuse one can use against the court when they've been arrested or fined for some sort of crime!!! And I certainly don't know all of the laws and regulations of Australia! If possible, I sort of want a book on this, read it, and memorise everything, so that I won't ever accidentally get into trouble...(and without even knowing it, no less!)
In Thailand I can fear the law a little less, because... at least I have my dad to protect me!! XD (who is a policeman~!)

Restrictions is also something that support my wish to be forever single very well. Apart from the fact that I am a scaredy-cat; my thoughts are not so different to those of Belle's in one of her posts < that's for my friends in real life.

...hah. Sometimes I wish I'm a carefree person...
Living is so tiring...

Something That Runs Continuously On the Underside of My Brain.

I have lots of conversations with myself.

There's a pattern in this conversation.
Something comes and triggers my thoughts upon the subject.
I ponder upon this matter, somehow managing to make it into the biggest issue of life.
I begin to feel the biggest amount of self-hate, self-pity, etc.
I reasoned with myself that it may not be the case, and that there is a possibility that it is just me making an issue out of things. However that would be thrown away from the argument after a few minutes.
I compare myself to others - I can always find faults in myself in the topic, whichever topic it may be.
I find excuses to keep myself away from the pits of self-brought despair, telling myself positive, encouraging things.
Then I realise that I am making petty excuses and jumps back to the comparison part, and continue to make myself more hateful in my own eyes.
Comes more excuses, and possibilities which I might have missed. For example, if I was worrying about my stupidity, my friend's quotes would pop into my head "you're so smart!". But then I'd go back to comparing myself against something that is much better than me, resulting in me being stupid once again. I will do the above more than a few times, over and over again, so much that it became unbearably indecisive that I just go "eff it!" and...
I conclude my own argument with a definite (negative, usually) conclusion.

This post and this post... (you know, every time I read those two posts over, I end up crying. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I cry over what I write? Pffft. Hilarious, hilarious.)
I'm so stubborn, and once again my self-hate increases.
I think that the reason that "I am stupid, and that can be blame upon the Australia curriculum, however I am also stupid, lazy, weak-willed and indiscipline, so that certainly helped my stupidity increase... oh no, wait! I can't blame the Australia curriculum - I have to blame myself for not trying!! That's right!! YES, it's all my fault!!!" won its respective argument/s was also partly because the "be modest" belief is engraved into my very brains as a manner that I should certainly contribute to. ...every time I say something good about myself, I'd always regret it, my own words echoing in my brains, feeling like I'd just insulted someone quite severely. This modesty issue would always pop up into my head. It's like... stamped onto my very soul... =.="
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I trust my mum and her every words too seriously. Or maybe it really was because I ran into better people and just literally lost hope in my own abilities - although of course I can't stop them from being great... not that I wanted to. ...please leave me in my own failings. ^^ I wish to drag no other into my petty, ridiculous little problems. (you can't even call this a problem. Ridiculous)
Another reason I say that I'm stupid is also because... if I say that I'm stupid, I feel that I am allowed to make mistakes. If I label myself as intelligent or anything of the kind, it restricts me and troubles me so much; I feel that I cannot let myself or others down and I will spent the longest time worrying over the smallest mistakes, because of this "intelligence"...
I... also take in what people say to me. I have been told by 2 - no, 3 people now that I should just skip ahead and... study, or whatever. It makes me... it makes me want to break down crying. No, seriously. It does. Somehow. At the moment I am trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's because I desperately wanted to do just that, yet somehow I am not? And I feel like I was in the middle of trying something impossible, and someone comes along to tell me to do something that I've been trying to, yet failing to, upsets me? It makes the reasons that I hate myself ever so evident? It remind me that what I have been doing in the past times is a total waste of time; pointless, useless, worthless? It blows heavily against the fact that this is all so pointless, it was a hard blow to get me going from a spot that I'm stuck in?

One thing that I am aware of all the time is that my own conclusions may not be always right. Because I'm also sure that I can't be "right"... which strangely contradicts yet also supports my thoughts at the same time.
There are so many ways and exits to one problem, but I kept in mind that people have limits.
I know that I may be underestimating my own limits, yet at the same time I believe that I am what I am, not that I'm underestimating myself...
That is to say, I'd always have a contradiction to myself running continuously on the underside of my brain... at all times.
This is what I call my "logical" side, the side that explores all the possibilities and outcomes by comparing my thoughts with not only greater things but the speeches of peers and other evidence - which is another reason why I hate myself. My other side always win. But even so, I still could not tell whether my other side is right or not.
I hate, hate, HATE this feeling of contradictory - it's included in the "patterns" of my conversations with myself above. I hate it so much mostly because I face it almost everyday, not knowing which answer is right.
Then this "modesty - I'm a failure" issue kicks in, and the side that wins is the negative one... as you all know.
Although of course, the "logical" side continues to run on the underside...
Which means I have had the same argument in my own head with my own self over and over and over and over and over again!!

It mushes my brain. But ranting on my blog then gets rid of the mushiness somewhat. ^O^

That is all for now, 
Adios~!

From,
Mage-chan~

Just More of the Same Things - Complaints.

I hate myself for being so lazy, for being so indiscipline, for being so unreasonable, and for being many other annoying things...

The other day I was watching a random Korean movie that was airing on SBS.
It was just a short scene between a 9-year-old girl and a doctor, but it struck a most vivid impression upon my brain and will continue to haunt my mind simply because this is something that has been worrying me endlessly.
The doctor: "So you've already finished Grade 2... so can you do addition and subtraction?"
The girl: "..."
The doctor: "Can you multiply? Divide?"
The girl: "...I can divide three digit numbers."
The doctor: *nods, and then said in a casually impressed tone;* "Well, aren't you a smart girl."
Seeing that sort of reaction to something that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do makes me want to smash by brain, crumble my skull, twist my arm, snap my neck, etc. etc. etc.

...I've been underestimating the Asia curriculum!! They are much harder than I'd deduced!
Sure, I mean, I had expected that they would be able to divide three digits numbers in their heads, but Grade 2?
I mean, I certainly learnt addition, subtraction, reading and writing of Thai and the English alphabet in preschool, then learnt multiply in Grade 1, but...!! Even now, in Grade 10, I can't even multiply three digits numbers!!
...But no wait, if I think about it... I can blame this all upon Australia education... you couldn't have expected a primary school student to be so intent on studying maths!! I couldn't have expected my young self to realise what I was getting myself into! I couldn't have thought about this when I was not yet 12, worrying about how I was actually really stupid, when I was the best at Maths in class! I couldn't have forsee  this ultimately agonising trouble! I was too stupid to realise that the maths in Australia was, and still is, very very easy to what it is in Thailand.... no, I already knew! I just didn't do anything about it, being purely and stupidly careless about my own future - I didn't think of the possibility of returning to Thailand, I trusted that I'd be able to catch up if we did return. But it's different now!! I have at last finally acquired the very obvious realisation of my incompetence, and I know that it is too late! I'd never be able to catch up even if I try, when it's this far into the school years!! If I'd returned when I was in still in primary school, it could've been possible, but now... there's absolutely no hope!!
I've lost a precious 9 years by doing and learning not as many worth things as I could have learnt in one or two years over there. Just knowing that makes me want to scream, and...
...my hate for myself just increased. =*= I was such a stupid, ignorant little spoilt brat; I wished I was killed when I was little!! Or at least, I wished I was intelligent enough to realise my own stupidity and have had at least a little insight about the fact that if we ended up returning to Thailand, I'd be a complete idiot! I should have known back then that my grades here would mean almost absolutely nothing!! Absolutely nothing!!!
My own stupidity disgusts me!! I disgust myself!!! Why was I blind to such obvious things!? How could I have been that ridiculously ignorant fool when all those obvious things was so blatantly right in front of my eyes, yet I'd stupidly ignored it and didn't pay them any mind!!!

...haah. To know that someone out there is most probably laughing at my demise makes me want to turn maniacal... sort of. I feel like shouting, "Laugh all you want! It'll make me feel better, I want to mark a seal upon myself, I want to create a so prominent a scar, so that I'll never make the same mistake again. So that I won't forget my own utter stupidity, my own foolishness, my ignorance in everything important."

...I'm certainly taking this all too seriously. Maybe. Possibly. ==" I mean, I wouldn't know, but if other people are okay with being failures, then why shouldn't I? I should just accept my fate, no? >.>
However, that's my how brain works, and I've already gotten it out, so it's all good now, at least for a few more days. ^^
Expect more psychotic ranting soon. I need to vent them out on my blog because I don't allow myself to do so in real life or outwardly, so all I can do is crazily type out my crazed words.
So many things triggers my depressed thoughts and livid annoyances every single day, but I refuse to show them too openly, for I always fear a consequence in my actions - I fear creating more regrets for myself to despair upon, more mistakes to add to my own stupidity.

So in real life, I remain as silent I can force myself to be.
That is all. ^^

Apparently, Most Teenagers Are Depressed.

I didn't know that!

...and I'm still not sure whether it's true or not, but because of my Wiki Walk the other day, I read a certain person's Profile and they said that "I'm actually one of those rare teenagers who isn't depressed", or at least something along those lines of the same meaning.

Hm. So that means lots of teenagers are depressed?

Well, I'm surrounded by a bunch of bright, happy, energetic, intellectual, A-grades optimists. And by A-grades, I mean that they get good grades in school. Of course, they usually make me want to gauge their eyes out or somethin', but that's not what I'm going to talk about.

But that's actually all I want to say.
...I just wanted to mention that, nothing much...

So then, later!

~Mage-chan.

Wish.

I went on an extremely short Wiki Walk yesterday, in which resulted in something good... probably.

Apart from my death wish, I have another wish to add to my List of Wishes (which until now contained only one wish ==).
I want to be able to finish at least one story to call my own in this lifetime, and a good story, at that. ...however the second condition make things very hard. ==" It's a wish, but it doesn't necessary mean that I'll be able to fulfil that wish, and it doesn't necessary mean that I have the ability to fulfil that wish either. And I don't think I'll be able to fulfil that wish. ...just saying. :/
I can't write a good story with my level of intelligence. It's like, impossible.
My tenses are still terrible, my vocab is still so... tiny, and if I don't expand my knowledge more, everything I write will just end up illogical and impractical. Like, I mean, my characters are of royal status and I didn't even know the difference between royalty and nobility? WTF? Epic fail, it was. Noo, actually, it doesn't deserve to be called an "epic fail", but more like a miserable fail, or something rather...

Anyways, that was all I wanted to say. :)

Actually, talking about this remind me of a conversation I had with my friend a few days ago. I was mentioning that I'm not good at writing angst, in general, but she disagreed with me, saying that my "drabble" in the Drabble. post was the epitome of angst, and also went on to say that almost all of my posts are angst.
In my mind, I was screaming; HOW DOES THAT MEAN THAT I'M GOOD AT WRITING ANGST!? Well, apparently, the drabble was written well, but that's only in one style; I usually write my stories in 3rd person, so it'll be different, and the topic that my characters are angst-ing over will be different, too.
Doesn't mean I'm good at writing angst.  :(    =*=
She also said; "Accept the compliments!" and "Acknowledge your ability!"
My reaction to the first one was: I don't accept compliments that aren't true!!
My reaction to the second one was: There's no ability to acknowledge!!
However because of this post (and the post linked in that post) and another argument that had happened a few minutes earlier, I kept in mind to not say something more that will turn it into another pointless argument, so I just kept quiet and simply ignored it... :3

Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

The Different Ways to Die

Ya-hoh!

This post. Read it first before reading the rest of this post, if you're going to read it at all.

I would like to point out that with No. 3... are you actually even dead? O.o I mean, you jump off the cursed cliff, but... you were saved. How is that dying!??

Talking about different ways to die... I refer to you this post of mine. :D
I was certainly not in the greatest mood when I was writing that. x) But then again, when I read it over it amused me somewhat. :)

But well you know, talking about this and thinking back on that conversation mentioned in Ruby Mae's post, I think that I should stop relaying my death wishes so openly, because my friends aren't taking it seriously enough - death is too serious to be joked about... =.= I feel bad to people who are dying - and doesn't want to die, or ones that have already died otherwise... It's rather disrespectful and insensitive, no?
Not that I would stop wishing that inside, of course. :D Noooo wayyyyy.

My friend really wants me to comment on that post or to blog about it myself, so here this is.
Actually, the first thing I want to comment on after reading that post is the title. It keeps bothering me. Because songs that features something/someone else doesn't only come from America. =*=
Second, we don't talk about death and dying that much.
Third, I have another post about that ludicrous Romeo and Juliet coming up soon, most hopefully.
Fourth, I don't mind shooting myself, but setting that up would be a big pain in the butt.
Fifth, I don't effing want grandchildren or great grandchildren or whatever the hell.
Sixth, I have no intentions of jumping off a cliff, mostly because it looks painful.
And... that's actually all I want to say. :)