Easily-Irritated Persons Such As Me Gets Irritated Easily. Also, Words Can Kill. And Debates Can Cause Depression. And Depression Can Kill. So then, Any Talking; Can Results in KILLED. By the Way, Do Try to Avoid Using the Cursed Word(s) Unless You Want to KILL. ^^

Okay, that's like, one of the longest post title ever....... but meh. I like my titles to sound catchy. xD 

Can't have it not. ...does it sound catchy? :)

One of my friends just came back from her 4-days vacation to Sydney.

She bought… stuff.

She said that they were for my birthday presents that she’d failed to give in February, which happens to be the month that I was born in. I told her that she did not have to do such things. Not in that kind, considerate, pleased way, no.

I was feeling irritated.

Or was I also secretly happy?

Or was I both irritated and happy?

So was I irritated or happy?

Anyway, outwardly and on top, and consciously, I was irritated. That she bought me a birthday present.

I know I should be happy, social-interactions-wise… But I couldn’t fake happiness. I never fake happiness. Faking happiness isn’t something I like doing, and it is something I can never be stuffed to do. And it’s no difference this time.

As soon as my friend had mentioned the word “birthday”, my State of Depression just immediately decided to come back from its vacation. Well, it’s not like I could stay cheery-happy for that long, technically speaking, anyway.

Because, why the heck must people keep celebrating that cursed day? The cursed day… =*=

The damn cursed day…

Psh, with the mention of that cursed day, I was put into an irritated mood for the rest of the night.

Not to mention that I came across this customer that irritated me. It wasn’t something worth being irritated and annoyed over, really. It was just a simple mistake or idiocy or retardation by the customer. However, I was annoyed.

It was a simple through-the-phone take-away order.

She ordered a certain food and then said “MILD”. It was said in a tone of voice that made me want to destroy the freakin’ phone. Did she think I was illiterate or something? Do I sound like a 5-year-old? You think I can’t understand you?

Although it’s probably because I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said, was why she’d said it to me like that. However the reason I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said was her freakin’ fault. There was this sudden background noise that came out of nowhere then disappeared quickly.

Plus, the fact that that certain dish WAS ALREADY MILD also annoyed me. =*=

She ordered a few more dishes, then she repeated the whole order again. For my sake, of course, but this also annoyed me because I was about to repeat the order back to her when she beat me to it. However it’d have annoyed me more if she’d asked me to “repeat the order back to her”, when I’m about to do just that. I’m an easily-irritated person. As expected of someone suffering from Depression, though. No surprise, really.

She went a little rushed, and so I asked, “Sorry, can you please start from the start again?”

She made this little annoyed “huffed” noise. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed, however, because so am I. There’d be no end to this. :/

“..blah blah blah. And I want it MILD.”

Me: =*= It’s already mild, you dumbass! And it’s written down on the freakin’ menu!!! “Sorry? MILD?” I asked this just to make sure, and I was annoyed, too, ahahahaha. Although that was as far a revenge I could get because, customer is god. J

 Customer: “Yes. MILD. I want it in mild temperature.”

This sentence was what ticked me off completely. What did you just say? Are you twisted in the head? Did I just hear the word ‘temperature’ come out of this receiver? I was a bit taken aback and so I went uncertainly, “MILD… temperature?”

Customer: “Yes, MILD. You know how you have it in mild-medium-hot? I want it I mild temperature.”

She successfully made it sound like I was the idiot with half-deaf ears.

I was pissed.

However I did successfully ended the conversation without any yelling.

Good thing it was on the phone. Only some saw my irritated face. :3

Back to my friend who bought me birthday presents, which was a month and a half late, but that wasn’t the problem…

I was irritated that she bought me birthday presents, and I kept telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. In monotone.

…In my heart I knew I should at least smile when she gave it to me. But it was too hard to fake happiness, like I said…

“I got you the first volume of The Prince of Tennis and a Vampire Knight Art Book!” she says.

Me: =*=… “J…Oh, that’d have been good… except that I already have the first volume of The Princes of Tennis at home, in Thai…”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: Why am I acting so mean? …Aargh. It was the cursed word. The “‘birthday’ present”… The cursed word, indeed.

Friend: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Me: “Of course you didn’t.”

No, I wasn’t happy at all. Really. I don’t think. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.

Like hell I know, and like hell I care.

…Did she misunderstand my tastes? Yes, totally. I don’t understand art. And it’s not like I like Vampire Knight that much, either. I dropped it edges ago, really. Didn’t she know that? Err… apparently not. But who cares.

She said that “I didn’t know what to get you. And the stuff that I wanted to get you, you already have, so I got you those.”

Yes, but I already have one of them. And why are you buying me birthday presents? Trying to make me commit suicide, now are you? “Easiest way out. Don’t buy me anything.” < I said that sentence like, 5-6 times to her earlier today .

Fortunately, being the optimistic person she is, she was still smiling like always. Phew.

Plus, I’ve been trying to not buy any material things lately, with the chance of me going back to Thailand by the end of the year extremely high and all.

Yesterday my mum just said “This IELTS test is impossible for me to pass” to me, so might as well deem it certain…?

Oh, but my mind haven’t really accepted the truth yet. It’s like how I’ve been avoiding thinking about Work Experience (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check some of my earlier posts… umm, the one that says “The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide”…)… It will need to happen, yet I’m not doing anything about it…

Geezes.

I hate life. =*=

Someone kill me nowwwww.

Some people will probably be really offended if they heard me say that. :/ You know, those people that are fighting to live, respectively. They’re fighting to live, and here I am asking to die.

While my life is perfectly likeable. In many people’s eyes.

I like my life. I do. I just don’t like life as a whole. I think it’s a bunch of senseless, pointless crap.

I don’t even have any right to be suffering from Depression. =*=

Geezes. This is another reason why I hate life so muchhhh….

Okay. I really, really, really want to die right now.

LOL, my State of Depression is full back and rolling. :P I don’t even care about leaving people behind at this moment in time (I’m sure I will sometime after this though, but not at the moment. I know myself).

Blame the word “birthday”. And then that “Work Experience” I’d just mentioned. They’re quite convenient triggers for my State of Depressions.

Other convenient triggers includes “future”, “university”, “senior”, etc, anything about the future, really.

A while ago someone had asked me whether I’m going to do the “Headstart Program” or not. (It’s this program at a certain university where you can study a course there while you’re still in Grade 11 or 12.)

I went quiet for a moment. I might not even be in Australia by then. Plus, even if I stay using a Student Visa, I’m not sure whether I’m eligible or not… “…Err, yeah, I want to, but I’m still not sure yet…” Was the reply I gave.

Daammmmmmmmmnnn.

Am I trying to make myself depressed?

Talking about these stuff sends me into despair. :/

So why am I talking about them? =*= Well, it’ll take a while for me to get out of a State once I’m in one. Maybe you should expect a few more Depression-filled posts the next following days? :/

Or maybe I’ll force myself out of it for the time being. I have lots of things to do after all.

Can’t waste time moping around thinking about committing suicide, now can we?

I seem to have a twisted mind. A word that normally gives people joy like “birthday” makes me want to commit suicide.

…Is what I think I should say.

HOWEVER, like hell my mind is twisted. I just think differently from people…. (is that valid? O.o). I’m just a coward that has really, really, really, low self-confidence. That’s right. It’s the start of it all.

Once another friend of mine has asked me, “Why do you have low self-esteem?” when I’d told her that I have low self-esteem.

I tried not to make a disgusted face at one of the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s like asking someone who’d optimistic why they’re so optimistic. Or asking someone who’s nice why they’re nice, etc.

Like hell I could give you a proper answer. It’s in ma personality!! But I attempted an answer anyway. “Well… that’s because I lack self-confidence, which is practically the same as low self-esteem anyway…” Pauses. “Do you even know what self-esteem is?”

She shrugs uncertainly.

Me: =*= Damn. …I was pissed. :P

She tried to talk me into getting out of Depression, I think, or whatever it was she was trying to do. When I mentioned that I’m a total failure, she said that “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.

Me: “Why not?”

She: “…Well, you just shouldn’t consider yourself a failure for every little mistake you do. Everybody makes mistakes.” I’ve heard that phrase so many times, I could strangle you for saying it alone. Can’t you be more creative?

Me: “…I know that. I know that everybody makes mistakes.” Yeah, even elementary schoolers know that.

She: “So you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

Me: “If I don’t be hard on myself now, I really will end up being a failure once I move back to Thailand.”

She makes this sort of impatient sound. “…Now, if you think you’re a failure, then what are we?”

Me: That makes you guys total failures. But I can’t really say that, even if I think that. Plus, she’s measuring my “failure” level with only academic level. However that really doesn’t have anything to do with it. There are lots of people in this world that ends up successful without even finishing primary school. Your argument is invalid. =*= I can’t survive in life when I’m scared of just doing Work Experience. So freakin’ scared that I’m Depressed! How’s that!?? However I painfully lost that argument because I couldn’t say that I thought that they were failures. And it was simply too bothersome to explain the whole concept that came afterwards (Typing this up was also a pain, mind you). She wasn’t the type that could understand big stuff like that anyways, although it is quite simple…

I was still pissed as we continued the conversation. Don’t know if she noticed though.

Our opinions on this certain topic never mixed well. Everything she says to me, I have an argument to back it up. However I FAILED in debating and I can never come up with a proper one on the spot. :/ It sucks.

However our debates never really ended with a clear winner…

Talking about debates, that reminds me of something I want to rant about.

The friend that came back from Sydney that I mentioned earlier? She’s also the same “certain waitress” that I’ve complained about in a couple of my posts back in March.

There was this one time that I had a non-serious debate with one of my co-workers about how a sign should be put up; whether the sticky-tape should be on the inside, outside, etc.

There were several interruptions since we were in the middle of work.

My co-worker was the one who put up the sign, I got the last word in, and she put the sign up my way. Then the certain waitress passed by and asked, “Who who won that argument?”

“Hm?” I wondered. “No one…” Which was sort of true. Since I didn’t feel like I won anything, but my co-worker didn’t win anything either. It wasn’t serious anyway.

“Of course, of course,” she said, grinning at me knowingly. She gave me the look that one would give you a person who’d lost yet isn’t admitting it…

My anger metre went up sky-high. =*=

This actually happened in December last year, mind you… And yes, I still remembered it, since it pissed me off quite a bit.

Yes, I was pissed.

…How many times have I used the word “pissed” in this post?

…Oh well, my friend(s) never ceases to piss me off. x) Partly because Depression makes me easily-irritated, and partly because I have a bad personality… (unless I’ve had Depression since I was in elementary school, then it’s definitely related to my personality. I’ve always gotten irritated, annoyed and angry at pointless stuff since I was a kid. I’ve gotten better since entering middle school, but then Depression kicked in. So then, oh, back to easily-irritated with everything pointless! 8D).

…Even their face(s) pisses me off sometimes. Never mind how, ‘cause I don’t really care, ahahaha. xD

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~