I hate myself for being so lazy, for being so indiscipline, for being so unreasonable, and for being many other annoying things...
The other day I was watching a random Korean movie that was airing on SBS.
It was just a short scene between a 9-year-old girl and a doctor, but it struck a most vivid impression upon my brain and will continue to haunt my mind simply because this is something that has been worrying me endlessly.
The doctor: "So you've already finished Grade 2... so can you do addition and subtraction?"
The girl: "..."
The doctor: "Can you multiply? Divide?"
The girl: "...I can divide three digit numbers."
The doctor: *nods, and then said in a casually impressed tone;* "Well, aren't you a smart girl."
Seeing that sort of reaction to something that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do makes me want to smash by brain, crumble my skull, twist my arm, snap my neck, etc. etc. etc.
...I've been underestimating the Asia curriculum!! They are much harder than I'd deduced!
Sure, I mean, I had expected that they would be able to divide three digits numbers in their heads, but Grade 2?
I mean, I certainly learnt addition, subtraction, reading and writing of Thai and the English alphabet in preschool, then learnt multiply in Grade 1, but...!! Even now, in Grade 10, I can't even multiply three digits numbers!!
...But no wait, if I think about it... I can blame this all upon Australia education... you couldn't have expected a primary school student to be so intent on studying maths!! I couldn't have expected my young self to realise what I was getting myself into! I couldn't have thought about this when I was not yet 12, worrying about how I was actually really stupid, when I was the best at Maths in class! I couldn't have forsee this ultimately agonising trouble! I was too stupid to realise that the maths in Australia was, and still is, very very easy to what it is in Thailand.... no, I already knew! I just didn't do anything about it, being purely and stupidly careless about my own future - I didn't think of the possibility of returning to Thailand, I trusted that I'd be able to catch up if we did return. But it's different now!! I have at last finally acquired the very obvious realisation of my incompetence, and I know that it is too late! I'd never be able to catch up even if I try, when it's this far into the school years!! If I'd returned when I was in still in primary school, it could've been possible, but now... there's absolutely no hope!!
I've lost a precious 9 years by doing and learning not as many worth things as I could have learnt in one or two years over there. Just knowing that makes me want to scream, and...
...my hate for myself just increased. =*= I was such a stupid, ignorant little spoilt brat; I wished I was killed when I was little!! Or at least, I wished I was intelligent enough to realise my own stupidity and have had at least a little insight about the fact that if we ended up returning to Thailand, I'd be a complete idiot! I should have known back then that my grades here would mean almost absolutely nothing!! Absolutely nothing!!!
My own stupidity disgusts me!! I disgust myself!!! Why was I blind to such obvious things!? How could I have been that ridiculously ignorant fool when all those obvious things was so blatantly right in front of my eyes, yet I'd stupidly ignored it and didn't pay them any mind!!!
...haah. To know that someone out there is most probably laughing at my demise makes me want to turn maniacal... sort of. I feel like shouting, "Laugh all you want! It'll make me feel better, I want to mark a seal upon myself, I want to create a so prominent a scar, so that I'll never make the same mistake again. So that I won't forget my own utter stupidity, my own foolishness, my ignorance in everything important."
...I'm certainly taking this all too seriously. Maybe. Possibly. ==" I mean, I wouldn't know, but if other people are okay with being failures, then why shouldn't I? I should just accept my fate, no? >.>
However, that's my how brain works, and I've already gotten it out, so it's all good now, at least for a few more days. ^^
Expect more psychotic ranting soon. I need to vent them out on my blog because I don't allow myself to do so in real life or outwardly, so all I can do is crazily type out my crazed words.
So many things triggers my depressed thoughts and livid annoyances every single day, but I refuse to show them too openly, for I always fear a consequence in my actions - I fear creating more regrets for myself to despair upon, more mistakes to add to my own stupidity.
So in real life, I remain as silent I can force myself to be.
That is all. ^^
The other day I was watching a random Korean movie that was airing on SBS.
It was just a short scene between a 9-year-old girl and a doctor, but it struck a most vivid impression upon my brain and will continue to haunt my mind simply because this is something that has been worrying me endlessly.
The doctor: "So you've already finished Grade 2... so can you do addition and subtraction?"
The girl: "..."
The doctor: "Can you multiply? Divide?"
The girl: "...I can divide three digit numbers."
The doctor: *nods, and then said in a casually impressed tone;* "Well, aren't you a smart girl."
Seeing that sort of reaction to something that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do makes me want to smash by brain, crumble my skull, twist my arm, snap my neck, etc. etc. etc.
...I've been underestimating the Asia curriculum!! They are much harder than I'd deduced!
Sure, I mean, I had expected that they would be able to divide three digits numbers in their heads, but Grade 2?
I mean, I certainly learnt addition, subtraction, reading and writing of Thai and the English alphabet in preschool, then learnt multiply in Grade 1, but...!! Even now, in Grade 10, I can't even multiply three digits numbers!!
...But no wait, if I think about it... I can blame this all upon Australia education... you couldn't have expected a primary school student to be so intent on studying maths!! I couldn't have expected my young self to realise what I was getting myself into! I couldn't have thought about this when I was not yet 12, worrying about how I was actually really stupid, when I was the best at Maths in class! I couldn't have forsee this ultimately agonising trouble! I was too stupid to realise that the maths in Australia was, and still is, very very easy to what it is in Thailand.... no, I already knew! I just didn't do anything about it, being purely and stupidly careless about my own future - I didn't think of the possibility of returning to Thailand, I trusted that I'd be able to catch up if we did return. But it's different now!! I have at last finally acquired the very obvious realisation of my incompetence, and I know that it is too late! I'd never be able to catch up even if I try, when it's this far into the school years!! If I'd returned when I was in still in primary school, it could've been possible, but now... there's absolutely no hope!!
I've lost a precious 9 years by doing and learning not as many worth things as I could have learnt in one or two years over there. Just knowing that makes me want to scream, and...
...my hate for myself just increased. =*= I was such a stupid, ignorant little spoilt brat; I wished I was killed when I was little!! Or at least, I wished I was intelligent enough to realise my own stupidity and have had at least a little insight about the fact that if we ended up returning to Thailand, I'd be a complete idiot! I should have known back then that my grades here would mean almost absolutely nothing!! Absolutely nothing!!!
My own stupidity disgusts me!! I disgust myself!!! Why was I blind to such obvious things!? How could I have been that ridiculously ignorant fool when all those obvious things was so blatantly right in front of my eyes, yet I'd stupidly ignored it and didn't pay them any mind!!!
...haah. To know that someone out there is most probably laughing at my demise makes me want to turn maniacal... sort of. I feel like shouting, "Laugh all you want! It'll make me feel better, I want to mark a seal upon myself, I want to create a so prominent a scar, so that I'll never make the same mistake again. So that I won't forget my own utter stupidity, my own foolishness, my ignorance in everything important."
...I'm certainly taking this all too seriously. Maybe. Possibly. ==" I mean, I wouldn't know, but if other people are okay with being failures, then why shouldn't I? I should just accept my fate, no? >.>
However, that's my how brain works, and I've already gotten it out, so it's all good now, at least for a few more days. ^^
Expect more psychotic ranting soon. I need to vent them out on my blog because I don't allow myself to do so in real life or outwardly, so all I can do is crazily type out my crazed words.
So many things triggers my depressed thoughts and livid annoyances every single day, but I refuse to show them too openly, for I always fear a consequence in my actions - I fear creating more regrets for myself to despair upon, more mistakes to add to my own stupidity.
So in real life, I remain as silent I can force myself to be.
That is all. ^^
... I know you said this already, but be sure that you are very aware that it's nothing to do with your intelligence. It's the curriculum that Australian schools follow - personally, I'm fucking glad that we're as dumb as we are, there's no way I'd be able to keep up with much more, but yeah. If you had gone to a Thai school all along, you would have thrived. But the past is the past.
ReplyDeleteYou are very much intelligent enough to achieve a very high degree in university, and I'm sure if you study hard, excersize your brain as much as possible, you'll be able to be on par with asian/Thai students. No point being angry (though I know it feels fucking fantastic, and I'm never going to follow my own advice), just try to look forward, and be the best you can be with what you have got. The best of us can find happiness in misery, yes? So just do the best you can. And not to an Australian standard, either. Because that's a pussy effort. Be the goddamn best you can be, push past that barrier, and thrive.
Sorry if I'm preaching to the choir here. ^^; I just think you're amazing, and I really look up to you for all your wit, intellect and logic. It saddens me to think that you haven't got as much as you could out of school because of the country you're in.
Well, I probably wouldn't have minded this much if the curriculum wasn't THIS easy and so different to Thailand's...
DeleteMy laziness is probably what I hate about myself the most. That's why in this post: http://the-blog-of-complaints.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/my-posts-and-its-received-reactions.html
I was screaming my heads of... over my CURRENT actions (parts of it anyway).
I object to your observations!! I have no wit!! Intellect, I may have a little, and logic, I may also have, but I do not believe I have any wit!!!!!
Dear, you should go read this post...... http://the-blog-of-complaints.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/dont-worry-theres-nothing-to-worry.html ....or not.
After all, every one are hypocritic to a point, especially more so when it doesn't concern themselves. But if you're going to read it, I am not directing you to the first part, but the second part of that post.
I live in the US, so have no idea what the teaching level is like out there.
ReplyDeleteBut in the second grade, I didn't even know how to MULTIPLY. So honestly, you're doing great!
Don't be worried about your intelligence! We have time to catch up to them! NOTHING is impossible. And you're not stupid.
A stupid person wouldn't acknowledge the levels of education that you just described in your blog post. A stupid person would ignore it, and pretend that there are no differences, and that they're some Einstein genius person.
Don't worry! :D You're fine!
You know, somehow it's different hearing someone I don't know in real life say something, compared to people that I don't know in real life. *nods* Totally.
DeleteI wouldn't have known either if I didn't go to school in Thailand first... I think they touched on multiply in Grade... 3 here? Yeah, somewhere around that. Then learned divide in Grade 5. ==
...I can't say that nothing is impossible, but this... although the possibility is tiny... it may be possible... although I still doubt it...............
Hah, maybe I should go read "Hope"!! -- I had that open on one of tabs for a few days, but never got down to reading it... T^T My apologies.
Oh, my!! That's a new perspective!! I need to think about my thinking more!! 8D "Think outside the box", they say.
Ahah! You do not know that!!; however I will... peacefully accept your thoughts.
Sunshine Primary doesn't teach division until Grade Four. :\
ReplyDeleteI wasn't taught multiplication until grade 4. And we started identifying letters (yes letters, not words) in grade one and two in Wales. In fact, I learnt the whole of the alphabet by myself in grade one, and they told me off for it!! Disgusting.
ReplyDelete