さようなら 2015年、ようこそ 2016年!!

It's been such a long time since I actually stepped foot into this website. Like what, two years? Yeah, that's probably about it.

For the past year I've been restraining myself from positing on Facebook and ended up saying the most insignificant little things all on twitter. I feel that it made my Facebook page a lot more positive and clean, but well, twitter's you know... it's twitter!! Ahahahahaha.

I don't really have much to say, I guess...???

2015 was another eventful year for me as I entered Year 12, well-known here for being a year of doom, a.k.a. university entrance preparation year.
Well, to be short one studies so hard their brain pops out and yet might still not have a seat in their university of choice. Oh, the competitiveness.
Other than studying it's a year of touring around taking university entrance exams.
Here in Thailand we have two major entrance systems: university-held direct admission and public admission. I won't go into details. Why? 'Cause it's a pain.
I've been using up a lot of the family's finances this year, traveling down to Bangkok and taking some exams that were only held there.

I also took the IELTS, and received an overall score of 8 (out of 9). To tell you the truth for a moment there I was quite scared about the outcome, haha.  I don't even know why when I speak English like it's my first language anyway... well okay, the test fees definitely made it about five times more scary than it should be!!

I also took the exam for the Japanese Government Scholarship, a.k.a. Monbukagakusho (MEXT) for Undergraduates.
I was pretty surprised when I passed the written exam.
I was also pretty surprised when I passed the interview.
I became 1 of the 19 candidates whose names were sent to the Ministry of Education (abbreviated) of Japan for the "final selection". The final selection is when the Ministry of Education (abbreviated) selects students from all around the world to become an "applicant" for the scholarship.
By the way, this scholarship is godly. It's a free scholarship (means you don't have to pay back) and you get a monthly pay for daily necessities. Like, you can live off the scholarship money alone.
Well, unfortunately I didn't pass the final selection but that's that. A lot of people I met at the scholarship briefing after the interview results came out also didn't make it so I didn't feel too bad, ahahahaha.

Other than that what made me really happy was passing the JLPTs. In Thailand it's held twice a year, once in June and once in December.
In December of 2014, I took the N5 and passed that. The score wasn't that great, but it was still at a satisfactory point I guess. Then in June 2015, I took the N4. I passed that, too, although my score was really too close to failing for comfort.
Just in early December a few weeks ago, although I knew that with my N4 score like that it would be near impossible to pass N3 right off the bat, I took the N3 exam anyway.... and still waiting for the results.

Right now I'm waiting for a lot of results, actually. A lot of which would decide if I'll be able to get a seat in my university of choice, haha.....

Also, I might as well add that I'd decided to pursue a career in Political Science, International Affairs (International Relations) or, as a second choice, (International) Economics.

...and here I thought I didn't really have much to say. Anyway, it was just me rambling on and on...

Well, now that I'm here I might as well add that in early 2015 I became acquainted with Thailand's branch(es) of the Kinokuniya Book Store...
And I fell in love.
I immediately became a regular customer.
I now read the
---Hana to Yume (formerly serialized Fruits Basket, Gakuen Alice,  Special A, etc... Currently serializing Akatsuki no Yona, Skip Beat!, Kamisama Hajimemashita, Oresama Teacher etc...) and
--Lala (formerly serialized Kaichou wa Maid-sama!, Kanata Kara, Vampire Knight, Ouran High School Host Club, etc... Currently serializing Akagami no Shirayukihime, Natsume Yuujinchou, Last Game, etc...)
magazines periodically as they arrive in Thailand every bi-weekly/monthly respectively and I also collect Japanese volumes of some of my most favourite mangas (that'd be Akatsuki no Yona and Akagami no Shirayukihime, FYI) even though they cost about 4 times more than the Thai versions...
Well, the quality of the manga volumes are definitely better in the Japanese version than the Thai version though, and somehow, I just can't hold back~~~~

Well, of course a lot of other things happened in 2014 and 2015 but just that these are the most that I can remember from the top of my head at the moment and I'm getting kinda tired and I can no longer bothered to type anymore so let's just stop here.

Adios,
Mahou Mage.

おひさしぶりですー！

Ahoy there, minna! It has been over a year since we last saw each other.

How’s everyone been? XD

After I moved countries I got kinda… occupied. At first it was just me being lazy to write anything, plus this blog was laden with depressing things – while I was like… pretty happy in real life, so I didn’t really feel like writing anything ‘cause it would just kinda, I don’t know, ruin the dark flow? Hahahaha.

Anyway, my life in Thailand was – is, exhilaratingly awesome (okay, not really, I exaggerated a little). I mean… I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

That probably sounded really idiotic. XP

Well, now that I’m happy it’s not like I thought I was stupid when I was depressed or anything (I mean, even when I’m mentally fine I can still agree wholeheartedly with my past depressing thoughts, haha). --It was a nice experience! Everything in life is an experience!!

But after actually moving countries… when I was in Australia, in the actual environment that was just, to be simply put, turning me crazy… it was just that. It was “an environment that was turning me crazy”.

But after moving, I’ve been treating Australia like one whole traumatic experience. It’s been over one year and I’m rather proud of myself for being able to continue treating it like one whole traumatic experience! Actually, simply “speaking in English” makes me feel like I’m going to get an upset stomach… really!

Earlier I said I felt so freeeeeee, but after starting school I really did feel restricted and bounded – well, that was because of all the [school] work piling in. But well…

I can easily conclude that it was a lot better than the “chains” in Australia. Yeaaah! XP (okay, sorry, I really do feel really idiotic, but…)

I can do so many things that I can’t in Australia – like, like… watching all the anime I can because we have unlimited Internet!!! ....…it’s the littlest things in life that matters, right? XD Hahahahahahaha.

But really, unlimited Internet really made my wooorrrlldddd. Having to pay the Internet myself while on a prepaid plan was just… yeah…….. how many dollars did you think I lost per week simply to Internet??? TT___TT

…that wasn’t Australia’s fault, of course. But still. It was part of the lifestyle I lead so “they’re all in it together”!!

School-wise, the lack of basic knowledge in some subjects had me on edge, but I was lucky that my friends – even though they actually learnt it and I didn’t – didn't really know it either (they just forgot). So I guess we’re almost on the same page… almost.

I guess my lack of calculation skills did hurt quite a bit, since it brought me problems with not only the subject of Maths itself, but also Physics and Chemistry. But it tolerable, seeing that my grades ended up being 11th in my year and 5th in my class. Surprisingly... and I thought I was going to fail!! +{}+

I’ve always regarded myself as a Thai person, and I do get offended when people tell me how “Australianised” I am… the idea is that I no longer want to do anything with that country? Hahaha…

I'm in school holidays at the moment, so I had some free time. Holidays here put me in such a good moooood. ---Holidays in Australia never does!! It had always been the busiest times!

I have so many books I want to reeaaadd, but having all these books available is already a great joy! Books in Australia are so expensive...

I came just for the sake of coming, by the way. A little sad when it's been left alone for so long, you know...

Lastly, I'm going to give you all a book recommendation. Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon. To be honest, it was only after I read this book that I decided to come blog a little.
This book actually made my tears appear a little, because it made me feel that all I've been doing for the past 4 years on my hobbies really haven't gone to any waste.

Ja na,

Mahou Mage.

Just More of the Same Things - Complaints.

I hate myself for being so lazy, for being so indiscipline, for being so unreasonable, and for being many other annoying things...

The other day I was watching a random Korean movie that was airing on SBS.
It was just a short scene between a 9-year-old girl and a doctor, but it struck a most vivid impression upon my brain and will continue to haunt my mind simply because this is something that has been worrying me endlessly.
The doctor: "So you've already finished Grade 2... so can you do addition and subtraction?"
The girl: "..."
The doctor: "Can you multiply? Divide?"
The girl: "...I can divide three digit numbers."
The doctor: *nods, and then said in a casually impressed tone;* "Well, aren't you a smart girl."
Seeing that sort of reaction to something that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do makes me want to smash by brain, crumble my skull, twist my arm, snap my neck, etc. etc. etc.

...I've been underestimating the Asia curriculum!! They are much harder than I'd deduced!
Sure, I mean, I had expected that they would be able to divide three digits numbers in their heads, but Grade 2?
I mean, I certainly learnt addition, subtraction, reading and writing of Thai and the English alphabet in preschool, then learnt multiply in Grade 1, but...!! Even now, in Grade 10, I can't even multiply three digits numbers!!
...But no wait, if I think about it... I can blame this all upon Australia education... you couldn't have expected a primary school student to be so intent on studying maths!! I couldn't have expected my young self to realise what I was getting myself into! I couldn't have thought about this when I was not yet 12, worrying about how I was actually really stupid, when I was the best at Maths in class! I couldn't have forsee  this ultimately agonising trouble! I was too stupid to realise that the maths in Australia was, and still is, very very easy to what it is in Thailand.... no, I already knew! I just didn't do anything about it, being purely and stupidly careless about my own future - I didn't think of the possibility of returning to Thailand, I trusted that I'd be able to catch up if we did return. But it's different now!! I have at last finally acquired the very obvious realisation of my incompetence, and I know that it is too late! I'd never be able to catch up even if I try, when it's this far into the school years!! If I'd returned when I was in still in primary school, it could've been possible, but now... there's absolutely no hope!!
I've lost a precious 9 years by doing and learning not as many worth things as I could have learnt in one or two years over there. Just knowing that makes me want to scream, and...
...my hate for myself just increased. =*= I was such a stupid, ignorant little spoilt brat; I wished I was killed when I was little!! Or at least, I wished I was intelligent enough to realise my own stupidity and have had at least a little insight about the fact that if we ended up returning to Thailand, I'd be a complete idiot! I should have known back then that my grades here would mean almost absolutely nothing!! Absolutely nothing!!!
My own stupidity disgusts me!! I disgust myself!!! Why was I blind to such obvious things!? How could I have been that ridiculously ignorant fool when all those obvious things was so blatantly right in front of my eyes, yet I'd stupidly ignored it and didn't pay them any mind!!!

...haah. To know that someone out there is most probably laughing at my demise makes me want to turn maniacal... sort of. I feel like shouting, "Laugh all you want! It'll make me feel better, I want to mark a seal upon myself, I want to create a so prominent a scar, so that I'll never make the same mistake again. So that I won't forget my own utter stupidity, my own foolishness, my ignorance in everything important."

...I'm certainly taking this all too seriously. Maybe. Possibly. ==" I mean, I wouldn't know, but if other people are okay with being failures, then why shouldn't I? I should just accept my fate, no? >.>
However, that's my how brain works, and I've already gotten it out, so it's all good now, at least for a few more days. ^^
Expect more psychotic ranting soon. I need to vent them out on my blog because I don't allow myself to do so in real life or outwardly, so all I can do is crazily type out my crazed words.
So many things triggers my depressed thoughts and livid annoyances every single day, but I refuse to show them too openly, for I always fear a consequence in my actions - I fear creating more regrets for myself to despair upon, more mistakes to add to my own stupidity.

So in real life, I remain as silent I can force myself to be.
That is all. ^^

Crecsendo, Keeping, Going and GONE

Oh mi gosh. O.o

I took the BDI again after approximately 2 or so weeks, and guess what I got? It increased by TEN points! O.o

Last time I took it I received a score of 28 (Moderate Depression), this time I got 38 (Severe Depression). Crap, it increased… and a lot, too. == (I discovered that I had Moderate Depression through the BDI only in February, and it’s April, so I guess it took me only 2-3 months to increase a level [unless I’ve had Moderate Depression for a long, long time now…] O.o)

Maybe that’s why I can’t really tell what’s pessimism and what’s depression anymore.

Must be all that visa and Work Experience stuff…

But who caressss! At the moment I’ve given up committing suicide, so it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s not like I’m going to go and randomly cut myself or anything either. :/ That’s not cool, really.

I’ve already decided to just ignore everything else, ignore what I want or what I feel, and only doing what I must, after all. That’s also why I’ve given up suicide [for the time being, mind you :P]. People tell me it’s wrong, you know it’s wrong, I know it’s wrong. And seeing that it’s so wrong, I decided to put it off; it’s a waste of time just thinking about it when I’m not actually going to do it [err… most likely] after all. So I’m just going to continue living, giving my best into what I must do.

Otherwise I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ll be stuck in the same spot, I’ll never be moving forward.

I’m probably repeating myself here [and I most probably will again in the future, because I simply can’t not repeat myself xP], but I no longer care. I no longer give a crap about what happens. There’s really nothing to be hoping for – I don’t want to feel disappointed and irritated and sad and frustrated about things anymore. I’m completely running away, yes.  Then again, I’m sort of facing it at the same time – I’m continuing on living, so I’ll have to face them anyway, but since I’m no longer hoping for anything, there’s nothing for me to be disappointed at, is there?

Maybe one day I’ll turn back into that cheerful kid I once was, but it’s unlikely. I’ve matured. I now know that life is terrible, and reality is harsh.

There ain’t much in life to look forward to except ma’ death < okay, that was depression. Even I could tell. :P

I’ve turned into a realist in my course of being depressed, and I no longer believe in hopes and dreams – dreams are generally hard to achieve, anyway.

Wouldn’t you know how lucky you are to be one of the few to achieve something like a dream?

Haaah…

Anyhow, I shouldn’t even be talking about this – I shouldn’t even be blogging at all, if I wanted to follow all of my goals. But I feel for the readers.  But then that means I’m still doing something that I ‘want to’, something that isn’t a ‘must’. Maybe I’ll just limit my posting then. Yep, let’s do that.

I work 5 days a week so let’s make it 2 posts a week – one per one day-off. :)

I’ll have to limit my internet time to even less – I think I’ll have to drop some manga series that I’m following as well; since I can’t regularly check the “Manga Releases” page of mangafox, I’ll have to make it easy for me so that I won’t have to check which series has updated so many times.

Let’s see, let’s make it like this,

Ones that I’m not dropping;

<Weekly Series;>

Noblesse – the characters are cool, and I want to see what happens next. Like, quite badly.

Detective Conan – I’ve been following this manga for 10 years. I am NOT going to drop it now. >.>

Nononono – it’s finishing soon anyway, doesn’t make too much difference. ^^

Gintama – too funny; reading it soothes me. :)

<Monthly Series>;

Oresama Teacher – hilariously random, a light, enjoyable read. Want to see Takaomi and Mafuyu get together.

Pandora Hearts – one of the most twisted series ever, I desperately need to reread it otherwise I’ll never understand it, with its several confusing events. And I really want to see the end too… T^T

Yumekui Merry – it’s awesome, a unique story, and I want to see how it ends, if it will.

Cahe Detective Club – just to see what happens to the romance between Nana and Touma. :3

Kuroshitsuji – the new arc looks too good.
Natsume Yuujinchou - very heartwarming, it's another light, enjoyable read.

Ones that I’m planning on stopping reading then coming back later in approx. 3-6 months (planning on, anyway);

Saki and Saki: Achiga-hen Episode of Side A – I just want to see Saki meet Teru!! ><

Skip Beat! – I like the newest developments, so I want to see what happens next.

Crepescule (Yamchi)

Ageha 100% – I want to see the ending, which is coming in approx. two more chapters.

Aoiro Toshokan

Chronos -Deep-

Taiyou no Ie

Ai Dano Koi Dano

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun

Shitsuji-sama no Okiniiri

Bleach – let it finish first and I might return to it, one chapter contains too less material. :/

Sensei ni, Ageru – all the same reason…
The Legend of Sun Knight manhwa - it's too good... even if I've already read the Light Novel version... it's too good! ><

Ones that I’m planning on dropping;

Magico – I was planning on dropping it anyway; it’s getting more boring by the week.

Half Prince – I’ve already read the summary of the ending, so meh. I’ll just read the climax then the resolution after the scanlation of the manhwa and the translation of the Light Novel finishes.

The Nanoha series – just ‘cause.

Hayate no Gotoku – I want to finish/catch up to this series one day, but not now.

Hunter x Hunter – it’s good, but it’s sort of lagging. I’ll pick it back up one day. Probably.

Shibatora – meh. I’ve lost interest in this series.

Zettai Karen Children – it’s good, but I didn’t like the newest [where I’m up to]’s developments; plus I don’t support the main pairing. Droppable. Dropped.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama! – also droppable; it’s not so good to the point that I have to read every new chapter. :/

Ao Haru Ride – [nothing but] cheesy, cliché, sweet romance ain’t really for meh. :P

New Prince of Tennis – go read it and you won’t have to ask.

Yada~

Something You Feel When You Just Want Everything to End Already

This post is quite random and contains quite a few different topics... :/

My friend (the one in this post), has been very excited lately because of a scholarship she will be applying for; if you win, you get to go to Japan. Yes, JAPAN!!

She said that I should  go for it, too, but when she said that I was faced with despair...
She said that it was going to be during the summer holidays (that's December-January for you all who lives in the Northern Hemisphere).
But there's still the problem of my visa, and when she reminded me of that certain period of the year, I was pulled back into reality.


There are good and bad things if I go back.
Bad things;
1. My future will be totally ruined; I'll fail school and I won't be able to enter university.
2. My mum and I will no longer have an income.

Elaboration on Point 1; I'm simply too stupid to be able to pass any subjects in a Thai school, excluding English. And if I fail in high school, it also means that I won't be able to enter uni either. So if I move back, it means that it's the end of a successful school life for meh. In the past I've been too stupid to have the least thread of hope that I might be able to pass if I try hard enough, but, no, it looks like it's impossible. My mum says so. ==
Elaboration on Point 2; It's hard to get a job those days, especially when you're 55 and 15 (who's a failure at school).

Good things;
1. My mum won't have to work so hard anymore.
2. There'll be someone to look after the house in Thailand.
3. THE FOOD!
4. And my family; plus the living costs are less over there.

If I don't go back.
Bad things;
1. My mum will most probably die of exhaustion from working every freakin' day.
2. The pressure from our uncle's evilness who is our boss is a lot.
3. Our (rather new) house in Thailand will pretty much be abandoned.

Good things;
1. I'll be able to finish school and most probably enter university.
2. We'll continue having an income.


Over all, it's better if we stay, I guess, since the good things if I stay here are quite significant.
So now I want to stay, so that I can continue school properly.
However there are still unsolved issues about my visa.

My friend's innocent reminder reminded me of the fact, and it just so happened to be today that the application form for the renewal of the visa arrived.

Despite the fact that my friend's house problems are most probably worse than mine, she can still be ever so cheerful and dream on vividly.

We were also talking over Skype the other day, and I commented that I want to stay in Australia now, because of several reasons, and that I hope that Work Experience works out (at that moment in time I was saying that I hope I can tag along with her to that local university).
And she said that "of course it will! If you think it's fun, it will be fun."
I paused slightly at the second part of the sentence. ...huh? 
She thinks that I'll be "fine!".
At that moment in time I started to feel some despair. Does this mean the offer in that post linked above is now non-existent? She sounded like she's cheering me on and that I'll surely have fun. However I didn't mind tagging along with her at all; I thought that it will be awesome, actually. And she surely knows that I'll enjoy it, so does that that offer is now non-existent and I'll just have to do Work Experience myself now...?
But then I guess it'd already flown out of her mind, because the next day she came up to me to tell me about the aforementioned scholarship to Japan; she said that she was going to do it during the Work Experience week.
I didn't bring this up though, after all I was the one asking her for a favour. :/
So in the end, the offer became non-existent (most probably), and my friend might be going to Japan at that time. ^^
And depending on what happens, I might be failing in Thailand or... doing something...


...Ah, I'm back to wanting to die now.
Our percentage of going back to Thailand is over 50%.

I'm so tired of living.
Which is really strange; it makes me wonder why I'm already tired of living after a mere 15 years while some people lived to be over 100...
To compare, it's the kind of feeling you get when you haven't slept for a few days, yet you can't go to sleep. It's similar; I feel so tired of just waking up, eating, working, studying, doing ANYTHING everyday that I just want to enter eternal sleep already. I feel like I need to break free from all this living crap, and I just want to runaway from everything.
Whyyyy am I so weak? T^T
Aaah...

It makes me jealous of how some people had the freedom to do almost anything they want while I'm restricted to only being a failure (if I go back to Thailand). But then again there are more people who are worse of than me, so I should be happy that I still have food on the table and a roof over my head.
But once you're used to something, you begin to take it for granted, only until you realised just how lucky you are to have those in your reach.
Personally, I don't see how someone can be the least bit philanthropic in this world. :/

But then again, everything is my fault. If I'm not so stupid, I wouldn't become a failure when I go to Thailand. If I didn't lack so much drive, I might be able to go for things that I'd already given up on.

Personally, I don't think you can ever have total freedom in life. There will always be something to restrict you in some way or another, no matter who you are.

With several events occurring one after another, I want to just follow my following decisions successfully.

I've already dedicated my life to working and studying, and I sincerely hope I'll stay on track.
I've already decided to just trudge on, no matter how much I hate it.
For the moment I'm not going to attempt suicide, no matter how much I want to commit it.
I've already decided to not care about my own emotions because they are a pain and only gets in the way.
I've already decided to abandon all hope in life because all it does is let you down in the end.
...Yep, I've given up on thinking about the future since it'd end up being a failure either way; I don't want to care anymore. I'm just too tired to care about anything after thinking and planning about so many things.

However I'll still need to keep up a fake happy facade, so then other people won't worry about me unnecessarily. I hope I can successfully act happy on the outside while I've actually already given up on having emotions... hahhh...

With that said, I might as well quit manga and anime already.
I should also just quit blogging and writing and reading, and everything that is unimportant.

Usually I know that I'll come out of a State of Depression one day, but for some reason I think this state might last forever; at least I hope so (but it might not, after all, it's "hope"), because I've realised that life likes to let you down, and I've been disappointed and frustrated and sad and irritated too many times; it's already too tiring to keep up.

Yep, I'm just too tired to continue hoping for something that probably won't ever come.

What the hell!? I’m so Annoyed, and I Still Hate Unknowns

Or rather, unknowns are something that I extreme hate and despise from the bottom of my heart. And I’ll probably continue to hate it for the rest of my cursed life that I wish never came into existence.

Today my mum told me that the person she’d asked to do all the visa stuff said that she won’t have to do the English test, and it’s cheaper, since she will be renewing it, not applying for a new one. Then she goes on to say that the boss of the restaurant (since we’re going for an Employer-Sponsored type of Working Holiday visa) has to sign some documents, and that’s where the problem comes into play as that certain boss was the reason we couldn’t get a PR (permanent resident) in the first freakin’ place.

She said that the guy who was doing this for us will continue to do whatever he does until things are more definite.

At first I was like, what da hell? You said you’ve freakin’ “decided”, and now you’re saying that it’s no longer certain? Da hell?

Then I visibly, openly cried out in horror. While screaming in my mind, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I HAVE TO DO WORK FREAKIN’ EXPERIENCE!!!???? I WANT TO DIEEEE!!! OH GOD, SOMEONE COME KILL ME NOW SO THAT I WON’T HAVE TO DO ITTTT!!!! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

And oh-yoh, that was a trigger for my current, renewed, ultra-shiny State of Depression.

Okay, now I have to change my mindset all over again. The already-blurry future path just split back into two again, and now I’ll have to walk back the path that I’d already taken back to the start and prepare for the future journey that could go down either, for better or worse.

Damn it all. I want to die. I want to. Freakin’. Die.

Hah, then again, maybe it’s the misfortune coming back now, as I’d mentioned in the This is a Life ChangingDecision post, not exact title.

Firstly life makes me happy then told me that it was actually a lie. (….maybe I should be blaming my mum, and not life? O.o) I was so happy with the fact that I didn’t have to do Work Experience anymore, and bam, of course I’ll have to do it.

The closer work experience gets, the more I want to commit suicide to just stop all this frustrating situation where I can’t run away already. The more life goes on, the more I begin to loathe it. The more I loathe it, the more depressed I get, the more I want to die.

But logically and technically speaking, the more afraid I am of work experience, the more I should do it. But knowing that still obviously doesn’t make me want to do it, as I still really don’t want to do it. Which then in turns then mean that I should really do it.

If I continue talking it would end up in a circle, so I’ll drop that matter.

I don’t know whether what is making me wanting to die is Depression (as in the illness) or not, but I do not care, because it’s my mind that’s thinking and I just WANT TO DIE!!

AND WHY AM I MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF SOMETHING LIKE WORK EXPERIENCE!??

Damn the world; I want to die before I graduate.

Actually I said that I want to die to one of my friends once and told him to kill me (half-jokingly) and he said to keep living and he’d kill me after we all graduate high school.

I wonder if he still remembered what he said.

I need to find a gun somewhere so that he can shoot me with it… :3

If the only reason that I’m thinking of dying is because of Depression, then I must give an applaud to Depression since it can really convince and brainwash people well. Because no matter what, I feel like I really want to die. At the moment I can find no logical reason that would prevent me from doing so.

Usually I know that what I’m thinking is being caused by Depression (but I would still think about them, despite knowing that, because I wouldn’t be able to not, but still, I was aware). And since I was aware, I would be able to pick up the fact that want I’m thinking is totally wrong and is being caused by Depression.

Yet at the moment I saw no reason (that I can really care about) at this moment in time.

Or maybe my Depression level went up? I’d better go take the BDI again. (About the BDI, check my “Apparently,Pessimism Leads to Depression x)” post that was created some time back in either February or March.) 

However, with that said, I’m quite sure I’ll come out of my State of Depression soon.

Damn, it came at the worse time, too. I have so much stuff to do during the weekends (Finish reading To Kill A Mockingbird, Italian homework, Japanese homework, Sharemarket research, practice violin, write Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33, clean some useless stuff out from house, all in under 10 hours across two days – and I tell you, Sharemarket researching.. will take up a lot of time) and it’s all going to be ruined by damn depression.

And so, if I want to get rid of depression I’d have to get rid of all thoughts of Work Experience off my mind, and that’d be hard to do since I feel like it’s always mentally spitting me in the face, laughing eagerly and mockingly at me. ==

Good day to you all, and I also wholeheartedly hope that you all have a good, successful life and that I will cease to exist soon.

From,

Mage-chan~

When You're Busy, You Feel Like You Lose a Lot of Precious Time Oh-so-Quickly

Ha-lo~!

I just got back from my school-issued Music Camp, where only students who are in choir, does vocal, or does instrumental music can attend, in short, only Music Students can come.
It was rather short for a camp, two-days and one night long. However it was a good length of time for a camp that has you do nothing but practice and play music. (Oh, there was the time we went down to the nearby beach for some random games/activities, but that doesn't really count...)

I also took this opportunity to tell my violin teachers (who happened to be one of my favourite teachers, 'cause he's just awesome), that I will be moving to Thailand. He was not jumping for joy at my news...

Anyhow, I didn't get time to blog about this beforehand on Sunday to tell you all that I won't be able to blog on Monday and maybe Tuesday... :/ Sorry.
But I'm back now, and so is school. :/
Nah, that's not really that cool. School, I mean. Too much stuff to do, and I don't really have to study that hard anymore, because my grades won't mean anything.

We only stayed from Monday morning to Tuesday afternoon, but it felt a lot longer than that. Probably because  the schedule was sort of tight, it being a camp and all.
I managed to get past the halfway-mark in To Kill A Mockingbird, but I'm still quite behind in my researching of the Sharemarket. I have to finish reading all those PDFs I downloaded from the ASX website, then start researching those companies to consider what other shares to buy (then sell), because you must buy or sell shares at least 4 times to win the friggin' competition.
After camp finished and we all left for home, I went to work straight afterwards. I arrived home at approx. 4.45pm and proceeded to eat some food and drink some coffee in 15 minutes. ==
Then I went to work.

For some reason it felt like I'd been away for like, a week.
I was only away from work for one day and it felt like I'd missed out on a lot.
I was only away from home for one night yet it felt like it'd been so long since I last slept in those beds of mine.

Aah... I guess it was because we did quite a lot, and I was walking around most of the time, something which I do not usually do. My daily routine consists of school, computer, food + coffee, work, computer, sleep, then same thing over and over again, most likely. I tend to not do anything else different, and I rarely exercise except for all that walking around campus. :/ But that's already become routine.

I woke up on Monday morning aching all over, and I'm blaming all that useless running around (I was ordered to do it, but I did it without too much whining... it will be my last camp here after all) on the cursed beach. :)

BTW, I went to school and to work the next day (that's today, actually) as well... Now I'm back to my daily routine. :3

Actually, you'd always feel like you lost a lot of time, even if you were a great time manager, you might stil feel that going to the toilet wastes so much time that you can't afford to do it anymore. :3
I'm starting to feel like that...

Since I won't be able to work once I move to Thailand, I've decided to work a lot and save up (now I regret about deciding to go on the Sydney trip... oh well), so am now planning on working 6 days a week.
The only problem now is finding time to study, do homework... and most of all, time to blog, since blogging takes up more time than homework (generally).
And not to forget MANGA READING TIME!! Although that's not really important. And my story-writing time, too...

Hah. Busy, busy, busy, I wish I have a time machine.

Triggered. Returned. Welcome Back, Depression-dono~

We have a lot of regulars, since our food is awesome.

There's this group of certain regulars that come every Friday and sits on the same table every time (they insist).
They are a bunch of annoying folks. At least one of them are. I'm going to call him M.

He had once told me that I should smile more since I don't smile so often, and that I look attractive when I smile. That last comment was actually what made me reluctant to smile, but let's not worry about that. (I have this strange... refusal to do anything girlish. ...and trying to look attractive is very girlish, sort-of... stereotypically, anyway.)
I smiled for him anyway though, although it was obviously forced. (maybe not that obvious, but...)

And today, he repeated himself again, because it's his hobby to annoy people.
"Can't you smile?" he'd wondered. "Look, follow your friend's example here," he then added, gesturing to my friend who had been standing next to him for whatever reason. My friend then flashed a grin at me cheerily.
I was like, "..." Hell no. =*= But I quickly flashed a smile at him anyway to humour him a little; hopefully he'd stop bothering me and just say what he wants already.
He went on, "See, even your mum smiles all the time." He points to my mum. I could just tell without looking that she was smiling brightly.
Stop complaining you #$%^&!!! You can't expect someone suffering from Depression to smile ever so often!! That's like... asking a cheerful person to cry!!
However I did not say that out loud. As I didn't really want to announce that I have Depression, yet I was extremely tempted to shout that to his face since he was making me feel... I dunno, what... frustrated?

By the way, that sort of triggered my Depression since it came flying back after its vacation of me being ultra busy and not having time to think about pointless things like life.
I think it's also the fact that I'm going to be moving back to Thailand. I've been avoiding saying this since it's really... something that I don't want to say, but maybe I am sad to leave this place after all.
Once I really leave for Thailand, I don't know when I'll be able to visit Australia again. :/ I mean, there's school and stuff and I really have no intentions of going on a holiday in Australia. Nooo.
I don't mind being alone or having no friends, but I don't want to lose anything... no? =*=
Geh.

...Maybe I really should just commit suicideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Ahahaha, as if. I'd never have enough courage to do that anyway.

It says here that,

"Painful conditions always pass, both mental and physical. Life always changes, and better times will come back inevitably.

Do not decide to harm yourself for a problem that will pass."

That's what it said. (You know what, that website annoys me quite a lot. =*=)
...it will pass? You're saying that a problem will always pass?
Oh my god, reading through that website pissed me off quite badly. I am now in quite a bad mood.

So I will tune out. Check out that website and tell me what you think about it... although you might not be able to give such a good answer if you've never felt like committing suicide before... Hmm... :/

Maybe a reason I'm annoyed is because that it's telling me all those things that I already know like "life will always change" and other random craps and reasons to NOT commit suicide, yet all of those craps and reasons are the very reason that caused me Depression in the first place and wants me to commit suicide!??

Hmm... I don't really know.
My Depression sorts of makes me annoyed at almost everything, too...
Or I may just be... ahem, PMS-ing, although the last time I read this it was not that time of the month yet I was still annoyed at it...

Anyhow, I will stop writing now since I am too annoyed to write senselessly!
And I'm sure you all wouldn't want to read a post full of senselessness!!
Because it would be senseless, and it wouldn't make any sense!!!

So then, sayonara!!!!

This is a Life Changing Decision :3 Indeed, it Changes My Life.

Yesss siree!
It's been confirmed! It was confirmed on the 12th of April, at approximately 5.12pm...
I will be moving back to Thailand by November of this year!
And yes, that was two days ago.

You may not have noticed it, but I was in quite the happy mood in the last four posts.
That was probably because of this news.

It's not that I actually want to go to Thailand, but I didn't not want to go either. :/

However this also means that I will not have to do Work Experience, something that has been worrying me endlessly and making me feel despair despite its best intentions.
So that is good.
Now I'll just... have to worry about school over there. I'm bracing myself for some studying torture, yes.

I was glad that it was finally confirmed, since I'd now know where to focus my daily activities and future planning towards. That was the reason for my happiness.
I now can discard all thoughts about Work Experience and Set Plan Interviews and all that Year 10 Work Education crap, and focus on getting ready for Thailand.
I need to clear out all of my possessions, too... *sigh* There are a lot of things to do... :/
I've already worked out what I would do with my big collection of manga, so that's fine...
There are so many things that need trashin'!!

Now, you blog readers that know me in the hideous thing that is real life, you have permission to tell this news to a total number of zero persons.
Understood? :3 *evil gleam*
All is cool if you do.
If not, then all is not cool but it's not like I can do anything about it, LOL.

However with that news, I'm starting to feel insanely lucky...
I didn't want to do Work Experience, and I didn't get to. Never in my life have I yet to come across troublesome hurdles or anything of the kind. My life has been a breeze through, as I just do easy stuff like homework and assignments.
...I was born with things that some doesn't have and things that some people wish so badly for,  good health (mostly), both parents; nice parents, employed parents, stable-jobs-employed parents, an education, etc...
...Feeling that I am insanely lucky however leads me to thinking that one day insane misfortune will inevitably befall upon me as compensation for all the luck I'm getting.
My life can't be a breeze all through the way, can it now?
I wouldn't think so... Hell no... Probably not... ...Hopefully yes...
Because it'd be bad since I think I'd end up in a wreck otherwise if I run into something big... since I've always lead an easy life before, I wouldn't be immune to any trouble, you know...

~
It's going to be even harder since it's Thailand. I need to search up on how Thailand does things.
And there are so many more thieves and cons in Thailand... I think. It gives me that sort of vibe, anyways.
Yesss, because Thai people are smart and there are many evil people in the world, so, smart + evil = !!!!.

I have no idea what I should do after graduating now, as I see no future for me in competitive Thailand.
Who knows, I might not even manage to graduate from Senior High School.
I might have to repeat Grade 10 three times at least or something... :/

I'm actually not sure whether I'm glad for this new change or not.
I'm really really glad that I do not have to do Work Experience and Australia's weird curriculum, but now my future looks soooo dim.
*sigh*
The words "failure" is singing itself to death in ma' mind~

Hm... Maybe I should try being optimistic?
But then what if I become optimistic but ends up failing, despite my optimism?
Nooooooooooooooooo, I refuse to become optimistic otherwise, with that possibility in mind. :/

Happy Holidays: Fun Water Festival

Dear all, Happy Thai New Years Day~!!! 8D

:)
It just so happened to land on a Friday this time, but every year April 13~15 are the Thai New Year Days where people in Thailand has a country-wide water fight. x) This country-wide water fight is called the Songkrarn Festival, I think that's how you spell it in English...
Isn't Thailand cool?
It's the extremely hot season in Thailand right now, so they're just trying to cool down by having a three-days long water fight with any strangers that happens to walk pass them.

Any business people or tourists will also have to be careful not to walk along the streets otherwise they'll get wet...

Multi-Linguality Can Cause Brain Damage, Hypothetically Speaking. それはほんとですよ。อืม จริงมากๆ ~Si, certo~

Sydney Trip has been confirmed!
Well, it's been booked. Can't exactly say that it's been confirmed until we actually go on the trip because lots of things could happen before then, e.g. the world blows up, Sydney/where I live gets hit by some sort of Natural Disaster... just to name a few. :)
Oh, hey, hello pessimism. :)

~
Okay, from now on I'll try to write the post in English then write a Thai version underneath. I need to practice my language skills otherwise I'll fail too badly in Thai/Thailand. ...I might not even be able to write a single word! Spelling in Thai is a tedious job that requires lots of intellect... I happen to not have much... (?)
It's also a pain since I'm terrible at typing in Thai - I really can't remember where almost all of the characters are located, unlike English, where I can speed-type without looking at the keyboard.

そして、はじめりますよ！

Err... what's "trip" in Thai again... @~@ Crap. Stuck on the first sentence. Dictionary, where are youuu...

การที่เราจะไปซิดนี้ย์ได้ถูกคอนเฟิร์มแล้ว! < That took me like 5 minutes to freakin' type up. I'm really going to fail unless I go to an International school. But they happen to be insanely expensive... :/ (Well, I've heard, anyway)
ก็คือว่าบุ๊กตั๋วแล้วนะน่ะ (oh my god. This is so tiring and irritation-inducing :/) ยังพูดไม่ได้เต็มคำหรอกว่าคอนเฟิร์มแล้ว เพราะว่าก่อนที่จะไปซิดนี้ย์อาจจะเกิดเรี่ิองอะไรบางอย่างขึ้น อย่างเช่น โลกอาจจะระเบิด ซิดนี้ย์หรือเมืองที่เราอยู่อาจจะโดนพัยภิบัดอะไรบางอย่าง ก็น่ะ :)
โอ ไง หวัดดี "ความมองโลกในแง่ร้าย" :)

Some Thai person out there please tell me how many words I'd managed to spelt wrong or how many other mistakes I'd managed to make. ==
I'm quite sure I got "natural disaster" incorrect...

~Never before had a small keyboard looked so big. :3

そうだな～　

。。。それじゃ、またね！

IELTS: Why Are You So Freakin' Hard? And I Hate You Government.

In the new guidelines for immigrants immigrating to Australia, as of 14 September 2009, all immigrants coming to Australia must take an English test (IELTS), and get at least 5 out of the 4 different categories or more, depending on your job that you're applying for for the Subclass 457.

=*=
We've bought the Practice Materials for the Test and they just arrived today. I took a look at it.
All hope has been lost; is what a part of my brain is telling me. However the stupid part of my mind is telling me that there is still hope if it's only 5 if she has to go for.

Damn it. I really didn't like the look of the IELTS (Practice Materials). It looked so shady. =.,=

To hell with the person who was the Minister of Immigration and Citizenship when this guideline was proposed in September 2009! To hell with him!
...And I've just come to seriously despise the Australia Government, although it's because I wish to remain in the country that is under their guidance. How ironic. =*=
And I used to like Kevin Rudd, but he happened to be the Prime Minister at that time.
My opinions has changed. :/

Also, I took a look at the Student Visas stuff, and I mayyyy be able to stay if I tryyyyyy and attemptttttt to get oneeee....

...Since you have to pass a health check to get any visa - ....Does Depression count as an illness?
I hope they don't take that into account... or that they don't test mental disorders... ahahaha...
Although I'm worried whether my mum will pass the health check or not... and she's been saying that her ears aren't very good lately so what would happen if she wasn't able to do any of the Listening Task in the IELTS?
I guess there's still hope left, although a little, tiny spark...

Yaaaaaahhh~
Easiest way out, let's move back to Thailand!!!

I'll die from all the homework and assignments and cram schooling, but who caressss!???
Iii definitely donnn'tttt careeee anyyyymoreeeee!!!!!!
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

:3 I've gone insane.

The Opinions/Perspectives is a Two Way Road Depending on Your Nature and/or Insight or Whatever Else

(BTW, I started off naming this post "Two Ways Road"... and now look what it turned into! 8D ...I just thought that it was too short, that's all... ><)

So I'd just watched this movie.
I'd deeply suspected that it's aim was probably to inspire people; and this is very likely to be true.

It's a Thai movie that is made from a true story... about a 19 year old boy who'd managed to start his own factory and gain over a million dollars. ==
It's called "Top Secret - วัยรุ่นพันล้าน". (Lit: "Top Secret - Teenager Thousand Million"... but it's more like "Teenager Millionaire" - you actually get the point across if you name it that. xP)


> Extra note. I researched "วัยรุ่นพันล้าน" on Google and... what do you know!?
The first two pages were nothing but "WATCH THIS ONLINE" or "DOWNLOAD THIS FOR FREE" links!! xDD
...Thailand is BIG on piracy. Extremely big. >.> ...In more ways than one. x)
I mean, come on... there are "proper shops" (you may find them in small shopping centres as well...) around everywhere in town where they sell NOTHING BUT PIRATED DVDs... people live on them! It's officially their "work"! ...despite it being illegal... no one really cares though. At least three quarters of the population watches nothing but pirated DVDs.
And they're too popular! You don't even know why they even sell the real ones anymore (except for its inevitable fate of getting copied and then sold as a pirated DVD)!

Anyway, the story is true... a 19 year old... owning his own factory.
...He's currently 26 and his company has grown a lot to the point of being known world wide - its products have been shipped to several places (including Australia... I just brought a couple of them today, actually. xD Ate two whole packets... not good for my health....)
They sell seaweed by the way. Fried seaweed to be exactly. Very enjoyable snacks. x)

Okay, let's get back on track; I'd deeply suspected that one of its aim was to inspire people - young people in particular - to not give up and keep going in case you might succeed one day.
But as I watched I found myself feeling the opposite instead. I hate life in many different ways for many different reasons... (but I don't think any of them are that reasonable. :/ But I never said that I was reasonable. It's just my personal opinion.)
Life is just... so tiring. It's so POINTLESS, yet to top it all off it's also tiring. And I'm an ultimately lazy person. ==
Life exists for people to despise it... because of my pessimism, I can't find anything good about life. == Not anything good enough to make me happy to be alive, anyway.

There are things that makes me happy, but I still would rather not ever be alive than to have these moments.

I'm serious here.
This is what extreme pessimism plus a case of Moderate Depression means.

The Kindle Store and the Discovery of THE Book Which Lead to Many Other Things

I was browsing the Kindle Store for some books for my lonely (2nd) Kindle (everything that I had on it disappeared after I [finally] transferred it to my old Amazon account. The only word I could say; Sh*t. ...And yeah it has to be censored.)

After buying what I was actually looking for, which was Ranger's Apprentice Book 11: The Lost Stories, I went browsing some more.

I ended up putting a whole bunch of Japanese-related books and documents into my Wish List.
And let's just say my Wish List is not small. =*=

I was still in my "Let's Prepare so That I Won't Fail Too Badly in Thailand" Phrase which I still am in right now, so I went searching for some books on "Thai history".

I found a biography on our current king; Bhumibol Adulyadej by Paul M. Handley called The King Never Smiles: A Biography of Thailand's Bhumibol Adulyadej.

I have yet to finish this book; I'm not any where near finishing the book. According to my Kindle, I'm only 2% through. == Damn, it's extremely long. Well, His majesty has lived for over 80 years after all.
(...And now I also have 100 or so more fanfictions on it that I haven't read yet... I downloaded them all at once using Flag Fic... and now I won't ever be bored! 8D)

Anyway!

Let's just say I'm one of those many many people who "worships" his majesty without question.

Apparently the book points out the "real story" and how he's not like a selfless walking deity like most Thais believe him to be. =="

Personally, I think His Majesty is human... but in my mind he is also quite close to being a "selfless walking deity". I've heard great stories about him; how great he is, he much of a genius he is, how he does great things without thinking of anything in return, and so on. I'd never once had a second thought about the fact that there may be "more to the story", but I couldn't really care about that. xP He is awesome and will always be. >.> (Seriously... I'd just used the word "awesome" to describe His Majesty... I have such nerve...)

By the way, I'm trying to only write positive things (not that I have anything negative to say, but I just want to point this out just for the sake of it xP); or if they're negative, I'll be vague. Insulting the monarchy can throw someone up to 10 years into prison in Thailand. xP They have extremely strict lese majeste laws there...
(I read somewhere that a couple of people have been arrested for saying bad stuff about the monarchy on their blogs as well as translating the The King Never Smiles into Thai and posting it online since the book is banned in Thailand for several reasons.)

I like how the person who wrote the summary for the The King Never Smiles worded this; "Early on, Handley declares that current king of Thailand Bhumibol Adulyadej's restoration of the Thai monarchy is, in fact, "one of the great untold stories of the 20th century." "
I like that sentence. It's cool. >.>

...That sentence alone inspired me to buy the book and read it. Plus, it makes things more interesting when the book is actually banned in Thailand. ==

That's one thing I've got to thank Australia for (?).

Apparently the book has been given much praise, but I myself have not read even half of the book so I cannot say much about it; and if I do, I'm scared of getting thrown in prison one day... but the Thai authorities won't read a random English blog, right? ><
Hopefully not.

But even though I've only read 2% of the book so far, a couple of parts had already ticked me off slightly. (But I'd ignored it since my opinion is very likely biased) such as Handley saying "Bhumibol thought that he could become a good king by being selfless and following the djhammara (or something like that ==) beliefs."
<PLEASE NOTE THAT that was NOT the exact wording written in the book.>
But the way he'd phrased that sentence in the book made it sound slightly negative, like that what His Majesty did was absolutely pointless and wrong... but that probably wasn't his intended meaning. ...I wouldn't think so. :/
THE PROBLEM IS, you see, the book... is written in such a way that I can barely understand it without looking at a dictionary every 2 to 3 seconds. ==
That's annoying me, but the content is very interesting. :)
Although I do get a little ticked off every now and then, I think that's just because I'm biased... I think. :/ I don't really know... but I think so, since a couple of the reviewers said that "it did not make them respect the king less at all"...
Hmm...
It makes it worse since it's really hard for me to understand such complex sentences. Dx

So then.
I kept reading, found something, then said to my mum, "What was that about a massacre in blahblahblah university in October in the past?"
Mum, "Oh that. People were shooting each other because blah blah blah." < Apparently, she was there. O.o No, she went, she was going there, but then decided to turn back before reaching [heard there was a traffic jam and everything]. ==
We continued talking about the [Modern] history of Thailand for a while.

My mum; " =*= Thailand's going nowhere because of all those corrupted and terrible politicians. If the King isn't here, then Thailand's doomed." < That's me saying that, actually. She used a different wording. >.> (I can't quote her directly anyway - you wouldn't be able to understand it! ><)
I don't know much about Thailand's politics, social economy, financial economy, and so on, but I couldn't disagree... I think I agree, actually... (according to Wikipedia and somewhere else, Thailand's economy dropped by 2% or something when His Majesty had to stay in the hospital - he's still in the hospital, btw...)
...Besides, to me, politics is such a troublesome and depressing issue.
So very annoying . :/

...

Long live the king.

Please don't let Thailand be doomed too soon.


Another pointless and random post. :/

I'm Just Pointlessly Ranting On...

I reaaaally hate how I cry so easily... usually.

...but I never cry when I'm angry. Because when I'm angry I feel more like killing someone, not crying. x)
Mostly I cry from reading a sad manga scene or watching a sad anime scene/drama... :/

Anyway, the restaurant is closed today so my mum's home. She asks me to search on this "visa" business since my auntie and uncle are just like "meh" on the matter. ++ Dude... really now...

I discovered something. Specifically, something good. :)

Sort of.

Because going back to Thailand would've been good as well... :/ I don't really want to, but it'd be good, in many different ways.

So it's impossible for my mum to get a PR because of her age, but she can get another temporary "Employer Sponsor" visa because it has no age limit. But it will be a bit more complicated to file than the PR one which was the "RSMS", apparently - you don't need to know what that is. I just feel the need to use the actual word (technically it's an abbreviation, but...). ==
Anyway, the temporary one (specifically Subclass 457) will give my mum plus me another 4 years in this country if it passes. If it doesn't - all hope is lost and let's just get ready to return to my home country. :3

Me and my mum has already decided to start to clear stuff right away if we don't get the visa - it's gonna take a while... >":3 I have a lot of stuff. I was thinking of donating my English manga books to my various friends around here... (Vampire Knight, School Rumble, Shugo Chara!, Alice in the Country of Hearts...)
Although there will be some that I'll take back with me, mostly the English novels since I obviously can't get them in Thailand... and I'll probably give my Thai friends here the Thai manga (or send them that if that's more convenient) since I can just read them online or buy new ones over there, although that would be a waste. Then again, I shouldn't have any guilt about reading them online since I've already bought the books, right??? X)
[I actually have two copies of one of the Vampire Knight books - it was an accident, but now I have an English copy and a Thai copy... but the Thai copy's in Thailand though. ><)

During that search, my eyes watered. >< Oh, but I DID NOT cry. xD
Ohh, but it certainly made me feel like dying. ^^ Oh wait. It's more rare that I don't feel like dying nowadays. xP Ahahaha.

After starting school, I think this is the time when I feel that my future is in real peril.
And how much of a failure I am. :/

The Unknown Future

One day, I ended up talking to my uncle about university.

He asked which department I may be thinking on joining for it.

I was like, "Ugh... I was thinking of doing IT...'
And he goes, "You shouldn't really... like, everyone's doing that does days. Once you graduate you'll have to fight other people for the job then."
I agreed.

We went on and on.

I said how I'd once wanted to do architect/design, but then I soon realised that I have absolutely no creativity. :/ So I gave up that.
I'm no good at English; I'm quite imaginative, but my grammar and vocab is NOT GOOD.
I suck at Science...
The only subject I'm good at is Maths... not that there's a course JUST for Maths at the university I wanted to go to... I don't think?

But now with the happenings of this post, things will have to change drastically.

My mind can no longer focus on just trying to get a good OP and go to university, then just pick a course/degree to do, etc.
Now I'll have to prepare myself in case I don't get to stay in Australia, let alone to go university.
T^T The university over there is sure to be 10 times harder to get in, let alone to study in it. :/


...Although I think I may have found a subject that I may be able to do. 8D
Economics. Finance. Business. Global Finance. Politics. Legal Studies. Administration. ...something along those lines. Working in an embassy is cool, too. 8D And maybe Immigrations might need help. >.>

...not that any of those subjects are under the "not so easy" level...


The world sure looks bright!! 8D

*Pure sarcasm.* -_-

I Wonder if I'll Manage to Not be a Failure

Crap, that post title sounds a little too dark... :P

Meh, who cares.

In Australia's slack standard I'm;
Maths > A grade
English > B
Science > C
SOSE/Social Studies > it depends on the unit, but it's limited to B - D 'cause I have a B for English
Art > B- or less
ICT > B or higher
HPE > C or less for practical, D or higher for theory
Music > B
Italian > ranges from A to B
Japanese > A-ish
Woodwork/ITD > around C to D but I try to avoid this subject since I'm allergic to dust ==
Graphics > B-ish
Drama > ranges from B - D, uncertain cause I've never done this subject before...
Home Economics > Umm... A- to C+, but I also try to avoid this subject since I'm also allergic to smoke... ==
Business > unkown cause I've never done this subject either, but I want to do it... ^^ I guess, B - C?
(I think there were more subjects out there that I've missed, but who cares? I'm sure not many - maybe even nobody is going to read this, after all. :/)

Anyways, I think I'm a B-grade student overall.

And once (and if) I go back to Thailand, everything will flip. I'll be an E-grade student instead. ==

Maths > around C to E
English > A++ (oh, everything except for this subject, that is xD)
Thai > F
Science > E
SOSE/Social Studies > F
Business > uhmmm... say, C to E?

Most of the  following subjects gets moved down by one since their standards are naturally higher than ours'... O.o
Art > C- or less
ICT > C or higher
HPE > C or less for practical, E or higher for theory
Music > C
Italian > ranges from A to C
Japanese > A to B
Woodwork/ITD > around C to E but I try to avoid this subject since I'm allergic to dust ==
Graphics > B to D
Drama > ranges from C - E, uncertain cause I've never done this subject before...
Home Economics > Umm... B+ to D+, but I also try to avoid this subject since I'm also allergic to smoke... ==

So yeah, it's impossible... :/ to not be a failure, I mean.
I'm already making bad progress on this side... My grades are slowly going downhill. Oh, except for maths. But that doesn't really count since my school's tests are way too easy. =*= They're not helping me prepare for the harsh future at all... :/
But apparently grades-going-downhill is normal since we're now in senior high/high school depending on where you live. But I think I'm a Jack-of-all-Trades type, which is not that great? I'm a weak Jack of all Trades type, to be more precise.
If you look at the above list/s, you'll see that, here, I don't fail any subject. Or that I have a possibility on passing in every subject, but that's probably only because all my efforts are A, I never miss a deadline and my assignments all pass the set criteria. :/ To be short, I can't get anything lower than a C like that.
(Plus having efforts and behaviour as As gets the teacher on your good side...)

To be honest, my real grades on my report card are actually higher than that list - last semester I got around 3 to 5 Bs and the rest are all As, including the Achievements, Efforts and Behaviour columns.

But I think the teachers aren't strict enough, and the curriculum is... meh. Yep, that's right, meh. Oh well, it's Australia.

(But usually I'm happy that they're like that when I'm actually doing them... :/ =*= I'm a true hypocrite, I'm telling you)

Let me quote an acquaintance of mine; "This country couldn't have survived if they didn't have mines - because they have nothing."
Me, "..."
"They don't even have brains."
Me, *nods slightly and raised my eyebrows* "I see..."


...Me don't really want to get in trouble by insulting their country. =*=

Me also in bad mood.
Then again, I'm rarely not in a bad mood nowadays. :P

Let me end here.
Sayonara, fellow bloggers.

I Feel Like the World Has Just Ended

...But I will still say this:

STOP SOPA!!!! (oh, and PIPA too) Seriously, I'm sure no fanfiction readers and manga fans, plus DeviantArt users would want it to happen. Badly.


Current mood: Like committing suicide

A couple of minutes ago I was still on high and serious, about to write a whole blog post essay-style on this SOPA and PIPA topic. But after finding out a certain piece of information, I have no more motivation to do that any longer. ==

What I feel like doing now?

Studying.
And HARD.
(+ committing suicide, but I'm not going to do that.)

I don't even want to read manga; and that's extremely SHOCKING.

Why?
:/
It's now almost certain that I'll have to return to Thailand by the end of the year. It's not funny. And I'm not happy.
Even though it was already certain before, now it's even more certain.
Before: 75% certain
Now: 92% certain

It doesn't just suck. It's suicide-inducing terrible.
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide. But I don't guarantee anything. :3
(And I can still joke. That's a good sign...)

And the person who made this possible... the person who allowed the 75% to move up to 92% just happened to be my auntie. Or uncle. It's one of them.

I'm not going to say much, but the information was given to them in SEPTEMBER 2011. (My auntie and uncle took care of the visa applying stuff)

And it is now JANUARY 2012.

In the information it says for my mum to apply for blah blah blah visa before her next birthday, which was on JANUARY... the 10th.

Too late for that now.

Cause if she doesn't, applying for a visa would now be EXTREMELY DIFFICULT and HIGHLY UNLIKELY for it to happen.

But still, too late now.

But now I'm quite glad. My mood right now might allow me to fail my grades; so then everything might be okay if I move back to Thailand after all... I feel like there's no longer anything in the world for me to look forward to, in other words, like committing suicide. :)

I'll just let myself fail and live like a useless fool with no future...

:P

Meh.

I have no hopes and dreams, after all.
(That's a Yumekui Merry reference, BTW)

And dude, don't try to cheer me up. I DO NOT want to be cheered up. There's no reason to. :/

Don't even mention it. It'll just annoy me. :/

My Un/Subconsciousness Mind is Eviller Than I'd Thought :O

My friend and I were talking about something, whatever it was.

Then she said this; "Why don't you/Boss/some random get it from the wholesale retailer?"
Me, after approximately 3 seconds (which is a pretty long time), "...where is it?"
Her, "It's down xxxx street. We get all of our stuff from there."

And so on and so on.

My first reaction to her sentence was "Australia has wholesale retailers!???"
...
It came at the same time as this sentence; "Even so, we have wholesale retailers here in [this suburb]!???"

For some reason, I'd been subconsciously believing that Australia is a rural and non-tech-savvy country??

After those thoughts came, "Thailand has wholesale retailers everywhere in every damn province, but Australia have them!??"

Although after those thoughts I immediately went, "Wait. Am I crazy...? What's so strange about that?"

All that ran through my head in under 3 seconds. :/