Shutted (but Opened Now)

I haven't posted anything for a while, because I decided that I really needed to freakin' shut up.

I've written heaps of stuff - just elsewhere.

There are bits and pieces of blog posts and complaints everywhere - on my phone, on my Blogger account (I ended up with 22 drafts without knowing it! :O), on my PC as Word docs, on my Galaxy Tab and even my ultra-shiny Galaxy Note 10.1. And soon probably on my soon-acquired new phone - Galaxy Ace II...

Okay, so I know I'd decided that I needed to stop talking a long time ago.
But well, I failed... you know. Talking more than 20 sentences per day felt like a crime. (still does. good thing.)
The event that convinced me once again to shut myself up was the boss having come back from her one-week holiday - a short but blissful period of time for most staffs, including me.
Argument was futile.
I knew that, yet I attempted to argue anyway - of course, that ended with failure, as my opinion was rejected. Like always.
Pisses me off daily, but there's nothing I can do about it but endure. I seem to have forgotten already that this was to be expected - I really can't relax and let myself be happy for even a second, otherwise I forget those important points.
Just when I decided to actually try to work for customers' sake, I could only do it for one week - it's just time to change modes, I guess. Back to the cashier who doesn't care what happens to the customers cause it's not my job. But it was for a while; the head waitress and the boss both were away at the same time, so I temporarily took the role of Acting Manager (who doesn't really manage anything).
Everything was well.
But then the boss came back, and the head waitress hasn't yet.
Because of the boss, our staff number decreased under what people would call good.
Because of the boss, the rate of customers having booked and not getting a table/their preferred table increased from almost none and sky-rocketed.
Because there was a lack of staffs, I had to still look after outside, but the boss keeps getting in my way and the mistakes she makes, we have to solve.
Although of course that's normal already...
Why did I forget about it just after a week?
Hahaha.

I hate myself more for not being able to deal with it peacefully than the boss for being like that.

I shouldn't complain; I shouldn't warn her that what she's doing isn't recommended; I need to shut up.

So I did.
And I hope I will continue to.

My self-hate only increases, it doesn't go back down, like time.
It appears I've slacked off again.
Even though I've been trying to tell myself that I can't slack off even if it's the holidays - once I start, I don't trust myself enough to come back. ...okay, I don't trust myself for almost everything, FYI.
I can't believe it-----!!! Grrr, only, what, 3 days left until my Physics assignment is due and I'm stuck!! It's giving me the biggest headache...
And I'm so pissed off at my stupid teacher! (what is this? are all my science teachers from now on fated to be annoying!?) That person said that he was going to go through the assignment on the lesson of the term - a day which many students misses just because they don't want to come school. Of course I went. But I had a violin lesson, and when I went to the classroom they weren't there - they moved to a computer lab. And the stupid teacher didn't leave a note on the door! I asked around and was going to go on an expedition around the school to search for my class, but with failure.
Pisses me off thinking about it, so I'm not going to think about it, but I need to think about it to do it, so I need to think about it. =*=

My English assignment is also slightly worrying...

I also started D.Gray man (manga & anime 1st season). It. is. awesome.
But the art style in the newer chapters are weird - at least Kanda hasn't changed too much though. But what is up with Allen's hairstyle recently!?
And oh my god, last chapter - Timmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that's it.

~Mage-chan.

Short Enough to Write, Long Enough to Post.

Finally. I got to actually say something. I've been short on time lately, so I could only write small passages (of which I posted on Facebook because status are supposed to be small anyway!).

But now... it's not really a "complaint", but who cares! (Well, actually, I'm trying to not complain about anything. So it's good.)

So after work I was revising for the Music Exam that was due to be sat tomorrow. (nervewrecking, I tell you…)

All the customers have gone home and I’ve done the daily income summary so there was no need for me to sit at the front, so I moved to the back (haha). I read over my revision once and half times over before deciding to go on a reciting marathon; write up as much as I can remember about each of the topics we’ve covered this term. As I was doing it, my co-worker – one of the waitresses – appeared, having also finished her own quota. She sat down then after a while asked, “Are you listening to music?” I was wearing earphones.

“Yes,” I replied idly.

“Oh my god! I could never study with music. It’s ‘too much’, you know? Too many things happening at once, I can’t concentrate! How could you do that?”

“…” I went blank for a second because I hate studying without having music play in the background. I answered honestly when the answers came to mind soon after. “I just… let it run freely in the background without paying much attention to it.” Then something else popped into my head so I added that, too, “And it’s also a good distraction; to practice my concentration. So then in the real test I’ll be able to concentrate well… you know?” Oh my, that makes it sounds so much more intelligent! ;) It’s just that I don’t like absolute silence because then my voice is too loud when I’m talking to myself, and there’s almost always absolute silence at home unless I play some music. It’s also a good filler for ‘something’ when I’m just thinking. Besides…

I realised this a little later, but the first real reason that I’d put music on earlier was because the noise coming from the kitchen was obviously way more distracting than Asian Pop!

~~

Just as a side note, finally arrived home at approx. 11.30pm…

Everybody in the house are making “I’m dead” noises, wishing to sleep but can’t because they needed food… (that’s only my mum and I, btw)

And so of course we ate.

YES, THAT’S RIGHT!! WE ATE AT 11.30PM!! HALF AN HOUR UNTIL MIDNIGHT, AND WE’RE EATINNGG!!

Unbelievable, isn’t it? (Especially for a certain person out there who told me to NEVERR eat after 9pm…)

But do I care? NOOOOOOO. If I’m going to go to school, work every day from 5pm – 10pm plus 11am – 3pm on Saturdays and Sundays, then I need energy! (It’ll probably burn off during my days anyhow… or something. =.=")

Adios~

From,

Mage-chan~

Day by Day. Weeks by Weeks.

Like usually, when I'm in a tired mood, I feel like I need a break.... actually, I just lied. Usually when I'm in a tired mood, I'd not want to be alive, actually...

I always get that tired feeling on Friday afternoons... only to quickly realised three seconds later that I have work, followed by a short period of time where I spend doing things that I need to but aren't so important like school, work, the same, work... and then school rolls by yet again. This is another part of when I said that I hate restrictions. To realise that school was over for the week, only to realise that there's more work to be done, then the same circle breaks out yet again with no real break. Having this knowledge in my mind almost 24/7 makes me somewhat tired...

It grinds my motivation to study to nil... and music theory/class is sounding more complicated day by day. My brain is going to burst.

...But eventually, I'll get out of my tired mood. But then enter it once again, only to realise that there'll never be a break, once again.

Two assignments due this Friday, then a test next week... it's actually not a lot, and I'm glad that I finally get work to do since I've been complaining about the school/curriculum and all... which, of course, remind me of my own stupidity, incompetence and laziness. If I keep on complaining on how their are none, why aren't I doing now that there's one?
Well, I know the reason of course. The reason that I wanted work was the same reason that I'm not doing any. I hate the fact that we barely get any homework, and it makes me feel so ultra ultra ultra stupid and possibly ultra lucky, yet unlucky somehow...

However although I feel the above, I still feel like I'm not doing enough. There's too much free time. Too less work. Too much happiness, too much ease, too much of everything good.

I hate myself once again for feeling tired when I'm not even doing that much. Some people work ten times harder than me, and they're not complaining.

I've got it easy, I have to keep reminding myself time and time again...

I didn't believe my friend when she said that I'm "already doing so much" when I said that I wanted to get a second job... I didn't believe my friend(s) when they'd reckon that I "am too hard on myself"... back then I'd said "I have to be hard on myself, because then who else will?", seeing that my parents let me do whatever I like. (They're too nice, goddamnit. Oh wait, actually, it's because they're busy working putting food on the table~)
But the truth was that I didn't really believe them. I didn't think that I was "too hard on myself". I'm barely "hard on myself", actually... what does "hard on yourself" really means, anyway?
I think I'm extremely slack. That's why I'm blogging and not doing my assignment that's due on Friday. =*= That's why I'm not studying everyday. That's why I can't ever be good at anything. That's why I keep on handing in my Japanese homework late. That's why I keep on able to complain about things. That's why I'm not working everyday. That's partly why I hate myself so friggin' much... =*=

You Serious?

Today, at work.

A couple of customers came up to pay. They looked all around 20-ish, probably university students or something of the kind.
The total was $137.40 AUSD.
They gave me $90 cash then decided to put the rest on card.
So I was like, "So that'll be $47.40 on card," I said, while slashing the card on the Eftpos machine.
There was a short pause before one of the guys exclaimed, "WOAH!! Did you just work that out in your head?"
Me: "...yes...?"
Him: "I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT!!!"
Me: "..." I felt like banging my head against the damn cash register. Did I hear right? Did he really just say that?
...SOMEONE!!! Kill me noowwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pay; First Week, Winter Holidays 2012

I'm sort of glad that I got $400 AUSD, but still... it still feels like such a tiny amount!!
But I guess I can't expect anything on this level unless it's a Public Holiday, huh...

Haah, if I'd worked for 4 hours everyday this past week, I could've gotten... $434, not including tax. If it was 5 hours everyday this past week, I could've gotten... $539, not including tax! ...somehow, that still feels small. Maybe I'll only be satisfied with a ridiculous and impossible amount like $1000. >.>
But well, I know that I won't be able to work 5 hours everyday. It's not that I don't have the strength or whatever, but sometimes there's simply nothing to do... and my mood usually make me want to just quit working altogether, mostly when I have to interact with annoying people/co-workers.


At least lately I've been able to avoid smiling too much! Ahh, thinking about that makes me happy! XDD

My Posts and its Received Reactions (+ Some Psychotic Ranting)

One of my friends says that every time she reads my blog, she couldn't help but laugh - apparently that also includes posts like those ones and those ones. :) Well, I didn't ask for the specifics, but she said "every time", so... I'd guess that it also includes them! ^^

That thought eases me yet annoys me at the same time.
I like how my writing make people laugh, and I'd hate it if I ended up brainwashing someone else into negativity - although I doubt that from the bottom of my heart.
After knowing that though, I don't really write posts full of depression any more. Actually, that wasn't the only reason that's been preventing me from writing posts full of depression. What "Anon" and my other friend said also affected this.
I now feel obligated to not directly say that I want to die again - even if I wish for it in every second that I'm awake. My repetitiveness... I don't know, I don't like it when I say that I want to die and people laugh at it. :/ Hm.
And I don't like how my friend was joking about death. I don't like it, but then again, who cares whether I like it or not.

...Gaarggghh. Saying that reminded me of a conversation I once had with my friend in the past - one that had me annoyed considerately, but since it was through Skype chat, I managed to not show it too much.
We were arguing over how Australia education is too easy.
It was another pointless argument that made no sense. I wanted to just stop it but I didn't want to back out either. The two lines that annoyed me the most are still vivid in my memory...
"You don't have to like it." < this annoyed me since the line I'd said before then was "It being too easy in my eyes doesn't necessary means that it's terrible. But I still hate it." I wanted to yell out loud; "EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why, why, why, WHYYYYYY!??? You said that Australia education "...is like that so everyone has a chance to 'succeed' It is also for those people who are not very smart and who have disabilities"! It makes me want to yell to them to not drag me down with everybody else! Because I'm so un-discipline, I need things like deadlines and exam dates to put me to work, but if what I am forced to do is not hard enough, I can't be any better! It makes me want to stab myself a thousand times over and over again so there'd be something that was forcing me into studying harder!!! It makes me want to bang my head against the wall a thousand times over and over again so that I'd just somehow study ahead!!! It makes me want to become better than this so much, but studying alone is surprisingly difficult - I can't even test myself on an exam!!! It makes me want to die over and over again because I'm so lacking!!!!!
...
"So, essentially you are frustrated by the fact that the australian government is good.". < This was so off yet somehow right at the same time it pisses me off how I can't word out a response to deny that cursed statement. Back then I'd simply ignored this line, but now if I think about it, if I was truly frustrated, then the only possible reason that I could come up with is that, "despite the economy being so good, why is the education so easy"?
Actually... the education isn't that easy. However!! if I still managed to get As, then I believe it is definitely too easy. I don't believe that I'm that smart, so the only reason there is would be that the Australian Curriculum is too easy!! That's right, what I really am worth are just friggin' Fs! It's impossible for me to excel at anything!! Why is it that I don't even study and still get As on almost everything!?? I don't feel like I know anything at all, no, I actually know nothing at all, yet WHYYYY!??? Why do I still get As!?? It makes no sense!! I don't even know what year 9/11 was in, and I only knew about 9/11 a few years ago!! Even now I'm still not sure what it is exactly!!! I'm so stupid it makes me want to strangle myself, yet WHYYYY!?? Why do I see As, As, As, on my Report Card!???????????????????
I feel so conflicted and possibly guilty to know that somehow I managed to get As when I never really tried!!! So if that is the case, it certainly is too easy!! Unless I get Fs, or am in danger of getting Fs, it's too easy!!!

...

*Goes off and enters sleep*

*Comes back, continues writing*

Hm. I went a little psycho up there, yesterday. :/ Oh well, I guess it’s good to go crazy now and then so then I won’t burst when I’m not supposed to…

Well, today was colder than usual. Apparently it’s under 10 degrees Celsius. I’m not sure whether that’s extremely cold or not, but it isn’t that bad… err, probably.

I did something I regret once again, but I praise myself for my indifference.

Me: "…it’s cold." After thinking about it for 5 minutes, I finally decided to voice out my thoughts.

Friend: "Yeah. …I’m not the one wearing the cardigan."

I was wearing the cardigan, certainly. After hearing that line, in my mind I just went... off. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorryyy, I’m soryyyy, I’m sorryyyyy, I’m sorrrryyyyyy, I’M SORRYYYYYYY!!!! It’s my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, MYY FAULLTTTT!! I won’t complain about the weather again, I won’t complain, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, I won’t, won’t, won’t, won’t, WON’T!!!!!!!! I will not, will not, will not, WILL NOT!!! Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me, FORGIVE MEE!!!! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry; I won't say anything to you ever again!!! I won't say anything!! I'M SORRRYYY!!!!!!

I was screeching and screaming like crazy in my head, but outwardly the only thing I could do was... nothing.   Yesterday I could only screaming in my head too, but that's alright because I brought it to the outside world anyway, even if on screen. 

I'm glad outwardly I was totally neutral - at least I think - and hope - so. I hope I'll be able to continue in this manner, because what's inside can dissolve into nothing, but something that is already said can't be taken back.

...saying that makes me want to not post this. ==

But if you guys are reading this then it means that I did post it... obviously.

Then again! I'm sure my certain friend will be laughing her heads off, because even I'm finding this extremely ridiculous, and somewhat hilarious. ^O^

Drabble.

Drabble-style!! 8D

Lookkat that! \(^O^)/

Earlier today I woke up to the sound of rain pattering against my bedroom window and zooming cars whizzing through the drizzling rain.

I’d once heard that to practice your listening skills, you should appreciate the everyday, normal, mundane sounds that you usually ignore, every now and then. However this wasn’t the reason that I’d continued to lay there unmoving for another 10 minutes. The reason could’ve been because the bed was seducingly warm and comfortable, compared to the bare, plain walls and ruthlessly cold floor of the rest of the empty house. But that wasn’t it either.

The scenarios and stories that I had imagined before going to bed had rolled on to become dreams, something that doesn’t happen that often. And I wonder why it had to be last night, out of any other days, that it happened.

Dreams being dreams, it made even less sense than crack fics, and it was more unpredictable than the future.

Seeing a possibility, even if the chance of it really happening was impossible, of the future reminds myself of the spot I currently stand in. I was still alive, and I have to continue to live.

There will always be a tomorrow, no matter what happens. It was strangely painful to acknowledge that fact, even if it wasn’t the first time that I’d realised of such a thing. Once again, for possibly the thousandth time, I wonder why the hell I was here and just exactly what I was doing.

What was the reason for me to continue to force myself to live, again? Why must I continue to trudge on, again? What was the reason that I’m still breathing, again?

Once more I acknowledge my own weakness that was so ridiculous it made me want to laugh, but I had not the energy to.

I was scared of everything, I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to feel anything.

Nothing was worth living for, in my mind I believed that. I believe in it so hard and so stubbornly it’s painful and frustrating to know that I don’t have the heart to end my own life. It tortures to never know whether I’d die tomorrow, next month, or in a few years. It tortures to having to remind myself that there was a possibility that things would be alright, even if I didn’t believe in it at all.

At that moment there was nothing to look forward to.

This wasn’t the first time that I’d felt such a thing, and every time, I would think that this feeling would last… and it usually would stay, no matter how dissipated and small it is, it was still lying at the back of my mind. It grows and shrinks, but I don’t think that after I’d believed in it, it has left my subconscious thoughts even once.

Even things like Animania, an Anime Convention, which I used to be so hyped up over, is no longer of any meaning. I have a high tendency to always scoff at everything, I’ve lost interest in almost everything.

Which was why for the thousandth time I continued to ask myself, again, why I was here and what I was doing.

However I knew, that no matter what happens, there will always be a tomorrow.

Written in 20 minutes, because this subject is so super ultra ridiculously easy to write… and let’s hope there isn’t any mistakes, but I have a feeling that there’s never no mistakes in anything I write… Haah.

Now, continuation, in normal-style!

Moving onnn, I've found a new anime - while I was feeling like there was no point to studying any more and that I'm a failure and there's no point in life anyway, and I was just wasting time like a pathetic NEET with no life.

I was just pressing through the Random Anime button on Animeseason.com, one of my preferred sites.

I came across Accel World. The picture looked good, so I stopped to read the summary. What caught my interest the most was that... round thing standing in the middle of the picture. ...wait, it's a person? O.o NO, WHAT, that's the main character!? ...love the idea.

I was interested, and decided to try it out.

It's good. *nods* I really feel for the main character... He's cute in his own way, and I don't mind even if he isn't a bishounen! Yep!

Now, I'm on Episode 7, and it pains me to know that it isn't finished yet... haaah.

Oh well. Even if I'm not particular too excited over this, at least I want to do something... :/

More, about something else.

For the past few days, at work, I've been pretty happy. Mainly because I've been able to successfully avoid Customer Service work most of my shifts!

YAY to coworker, entrees and phones!

I didn't have to force myself into smiling so many times! I'm crying from this overwhelming achievement!

[I'm also glad that something is still able to make me happy...]

Well then, that's all~! ^O^

From,

Mage-chan~

Lack of Endurance and Lack of Effort

Which do you agree with more, "everyone is born equally", or vice versa?

I've read a considerable amount of manga, and in some, the philosophy they use are different. One says that everyone is born equally, but another says that everyone is born unequally - some are born into a poor family, etc, etc, etc.

Personally, I don't really think anyone is "exceptional". Life applies the same, annoying, unbreakable rules to everyone. I just hate those rules, I just can't stand them, I'm too tired to follow them, and I don't want to follow them.

Oh well, life isn't really what I was planning to blog about. =="
You're probably so tired of it now, you're planning to stop following my blog, right?? ><

The other day, another innocent conversation triggered me into a certain phrase [but this is positive... I think], that will most probably, very sadly, short-lived. I just know. It's happened before. =="
My mum and I came home one day after the same routine of work. We settled down then she started a conversation, "Today, Tony complained that he was tired."
Me: "Uhn." I already knew, since I heard him complaining, too. Tony's one of the chefs, btw. He's younger than my mum, though. [By farrrrr]
Her: "But look, I work from morning to night everyday, and I don't complain. Your aunty's even off worse. She wakes up early in the morning... Him complaining shows a lack of endurance."
By this point I was thrown into another self-ponder mode. Another one of my many "Hard Working" phrases started again, but I just know that it's going to last no more than a month, at most. It'd happened more than once, in the past. =="
Me: "I also have a lack of endurance, then." I mean, seriously now. I only work 5 hours a day at most, and I'm already complaining!? Shame on me, shame on me!! Weak!! I have to try harder!! There's no excuse, no excuse!! Pathetiiccc!!
Her: "...but you're still a child, so it's ok," she tried to reason.
Me: "Noooo, it ain't okay," I immediately replied. There are kids out there who're starving to death, working from morning til night to feed themselves and their family... and they aren't complaining!! It ain't okay!

Every time this fact hits me, I feel really guilty because usually I'd be acting quite irresponsible and all...

I've been a terribly bad child lately, not studying properly, leaving my assignments until the last moment, playing too much games, procrastinating too much, going to bed one hour later than usual and trying to get out of work as quickly as I can.

What I should be doing better is to prioritise. I know what is important and what is not, but what I do and what I should do are two different things. =*=

It pains me to the core to know that I didn't get 100% on my last Math exam. It makes me want to cry and slap myself into shaping up. [...almost said torture there, but it sounded a little too heavy...]
It pains me to know that I only get around $200 AUSD per week at the moment, and that could barely make a difference to the family's income. [I only contribute $100, though. The rest I keep...]
Which all comes down to that I simply have to work harder. I have to stretch out my working hours as long as possible, more so since I actually get the chance.
I thought that maybe 5 days a week just wasn't enough, but if I increase it my schoolwork will likely be neglected... =.="

Ah, what a bother it is to live...

Piled. Many Unreasonable Fractiousness Ahead.

There are a couple of things that I want to complain about, yet I'm too lazy to actually write them out: my assignments and Crystal Saga are calling meee!!;

The following is a bunch of mini-posts all bashed into one, for anyone's convenience!! \(^_^)b

Contents:

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail
7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop
8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.
9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

1. The Dramaful Moments of it After the Party
I met one of the friends who went to the party approximately a day later, and I asked her how it was.
I was totally cool with it when she relayed to me how fun it was, but I was totally not cool with it when she said that "I should have totally come".
It pissed me off, because even now I still doubt that I should have gone. ==
But, well, that's already passed the "discuss" date. :)


2. MMORPGs: Dangerous Objects of Doom
Not necessary true, but I want to sue it for making me procrastinate my Science assignment.
It is also a danger to my eyesight, something which I treasure more than my life - being blinded would be my ultimate nightmare.
It's really important to me because the few things I love doing requires eyesight - yet because of that, I tend to overexert them by using them too much in not desirable situations (reading when there's not enough light, for example) for far too long... T^T
Besides, if I was blind, I wouldn't be able to commit suicide painlessly, right?
...The ultimate nightmare, indeed.


3. The Cursed Dresses of Impending Thrash Moments Plus Hypocrisy
As I have state before, I hate dresses. I hate wearing them, to be more specific. But I wore a dress today, and I was crying inside all day because of it. I wanted to die all over again [ugh, such a big deal I'm making this =="]
I arrived at work, and immediately one of my friends who was a waitress did the thing I was totally expecting and slightly dreading, "Ah! You're wearing a skirt - a dress - a whatever you're wearing. It's so pretty/cute!"
Me: "It's a dress."
Her: "...You're such a hypocrite, Mage-chan!"
Me: "No I'm not!" I immediately replied, immediately angered.
She gave me this, "are you serious" serious look, which pissed me off considerately. ==
Me: I corrected myself, "I mean, I am a hypocrite, but not in this case/instance! How am I a hypocrite? I said that I hate wearing dresses! Just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I want to wear it!"
I was fuming lividly inside, but I tried to explain with calmness... I wonder how badly I'd failed.
Yes, that's right!! I'm not a hypocrite in that certain case.
I have always said that I hate dresses - but to be more specific, I hate, hate, hate, hate WEARING them. The look of them are fine. Just not when I'm wearing them. == So how am I being a hypocrite by wearing a dress? I was hating it to the bone! All through the day, at least 1/4 of my mind was occupied because I was bothered by the fact that I was wearing that cursed dress!! =*=

Earlier that morning, I came out of the shower. Usually if it's a weekend and I'm going somewhere, my mum organises my clothes for me while I'm in the bathroom (because I really have no idea where my clothes are located, and there are other reasons. Let's just say that's how it works.). That day it was no different.
I walked into the bedroom and I immediately screamed out loud as soon as I saw the cursed thing.
I was still screaming 10 seconds afterwards. At first my mum laughed at this, but soon she got annoyed and said, "Stop it! You won't die wearing this. It's not bad in the slightest (as in, the look)."
Me, in my thoughts: It may not be bad in your eyes or other people's, but I don't want to wear it, okayyyyy!!!!?
But I wore it anyway, after screaming my head off for almost 20 seconds (that's actually a really long time...)... T^T The work clothes that I... ugh... had been wearing for a week was being washed, so I really had no choice... DX And we were already running late, too. *Dammit, thinking about this makes me... want to die.*

I said to my friend once upon a time that the reason that I hate wearing dresses is because they're uncomfortable (that's one of the reasons, actually...).
She: "They don't need to be/Not necessary/Not always."
I doubt that from the bottom of my heart. It's like how some people aren't comfortable wearing skirts. They aren't comfortable wearing skirts, so they aren't. The shape or the look of it won't suddenly make it comfortable. Because it is still a skirt, goddammit!!!! ...I'm getting really mad just thinking about this. =="

But, oh, well, meh...


4. Alchemy User of All Metal - Hagane no Renkinjutsushi!
Finally, after 5-6 years of knowing of this certain series, I got down to reading it properly, from the start to, hopefully, finish.
Full-Metal Alchemist.
...Totally a classic.
I'm still only halfway through the manga, but ohhhhh myyyy gooddddd!!
It's... It's too good!
Roy is my favourite character! He's just too cool! XD *inserts fangirl squeal here*
Gluttony is also strangely cute, but sort of creepy... O.o
...and it's soooo good!!! ><
[I love seeing evil Salem. Watching a cute little boy killing masses is just too epic.]


5. Day of Solar; Best Avoided, or Feel the Need to Cry Your Heart Out From the Pain
I have now come to a resolution; that I hate Sundays.
Firstly, I have to start work one hour earlier than usual, because it's a certain-staff's day off, and I am to replace her. Secondly, sometimes I have to work at lunchtime, too, which means work all day. ==
The other reasons are stemmed from the same base. I always get uber annoyed when I come to work to find tables half-set. Some tables are missing a few forks here and there, some need wine glasses, some are missing a few plates... it probably wouldn't have annoyed me that much if it was missing in an orderly fashion, not totally randomly. Except that it's not.
However I should totally be used to this - I'd mentioned this only once before, so many wouldn't know, but my boss annoys the hell out of me - but only during work. She's a nice person - my aunty.
But her inability to properly run a restaurant and other such issues make me want to kill.
Out of all our staffs, she comes second in the "Who Makes the Most Mistakes" rankings. =*=
She always tell the customers the wait for takeaway for far too short, and sometimes the customers has to wait half an hour longer than they were told, take table reservations, but not writing them down, and putting walk-ins/new reservations on tables when we're freakin' full!
...
...Let's not talk about it. It's not killing me, but it's making me wanting to kill. ==

6. Numbers, Nothing, Formulas, Failure, Biology, Badddd, Music, More-Fail

Never before in my life have I failed this badly on a Maths exam.

I couldn't answer a whole question! TOT

...

I apologise to the ones out there who are not experts in this certain subject. 

But that is really what my mind is saying. That one question was worth 5 (out of 16) points, so it was quite vital... and I couldn't answer it, for god's sake!!

There's also Science and Orchestra stuff, but I can't be stuffed mentioning 'em.

7. Blurrrrrrrrr. Blur. Blur. Blurrrrrrr. Irritation, Just More Of the Same Thing Non-Stop

Yeah, it's just irritation and blur. Blur and irritation.

Non-stop.

Like usual.

Like I said, those are mini-posts. :D

8. Am I Serious? Kill. Kill. Kill. Death. Death. Death.

I've changed my mind - quite a while ago, actually.

I'm not depressed. 

I'm just a... somewhat negative, pessimistic, logical, pathetic, weak, cowardly, unreasonable, selfish, self-centred, annoying person... who simply wants to die all the time. :D

Lately, my reaction to almost anything - well, my reaction to everything that's the least bit negative is "I want to die", "someone come kill me now", etc.

Even something totally TINY like my friend asking me a question that I think has an obvious answer made me want to kill myself. =="

Dude, you've certainly gone mental. ...My mind was telling me. Since I don't think normal people have that kind of reaction to things? O.o Yeah, abnormal...

Oh god, it would be terrible if I seriously start to lose my sense of "normality"...

In Japanese.

Okay, so I needed to look at this certain document. I was using my friend's computer (who was sitting next to me). I was trying to find it on the school's website when she spoke up, "Oh, I have it."

Me: "Okay."

She goes on to find it in her documents. I turned back to grab my USB out of the tower case. She goes on to open the document.

Me: "You don't have to open it," I said simply, plugging the USB into her tower.

Her: "Eh? But I thought-something-something-something."

I gave her only 3 seconds before pulling my USB back out. Then I went on to thrashing the table physically for approximately 5 seconds, sending my pencil and USB jumping. After that short 5 seconds, I turned back,  re-injected my USB into my tower; about to go back to concentrating on the lesson.

When she said, "You don't have to get so angry." She then put my USB back into her tower.

Me: "..." That sentence she just said angered me more than anything she'd done in the entire day, let alone those few seconds. =="

Me: "...I'm not angry." Well, I wasn't until you said that just now. Now I am pissed. I felt that that sentence needed more elaboration so I continued, "...Angry is not the right word here." < I mean as when I thrashed the table. It was more like "frustration", but I didn't want to say that word (just didn't want to, no obvious reason), so the conversation ended there. :P 

And I wasn't even frustrated with her in particular, I wanted to kill myself more. == Oh wait, I want to kill myself even if it was somebody else's fault. =.=" So we can't use that as a measure...

But still, I was frustrated with myself. It feels like I've lost the ability to communicate with people. =="

Oh nos. 

9. Seriously, How Did Someone Like You Know? I'm So Shocked I'm Speechless.

I had Italian this morning, and it was... pretty much free time, like usual.

My teacher: "Stop playing games on the computer, B." B is one of my male friends, btw. He's really... I don't know. Hard to explain. Immature, but smart? Crazy, energetic, but sort of sensible? Random, hyper, but sometimes dopey? =.=" My teacher's personality is also hard to explain, but he's definitely... slack.

B: "..."

Me: "He can't stop playing, sir. It's just not possible."

Him: "Heyyy, you seem to have some dissent underneath all that composure and calmness."

Me: "........wha?" 

Him: *repeats his earlier sentence*

Me: ".....huh?" Paused. "...what does dissent mean?" I really don't know. :S (that was why I paused and went "wha?")

Him: *explains* "You know, you have to disagree. I say yes, you say no."

Me: "..." *thinking, reminiscing, assessing my own personality*

Him: "..." Looks at me, nodding. 

I glanced up at him, half-rolling my eyes. "..." *still thinking, reminiscing and assessing my own personality*

I looked back up at him again, OH MY GOD!!!

What a perfect word to describe me! >< That's right, perfect! I've suddenly felt like I just... acquired enlightenment! XD

Japan's Influence; Strangely Close By

I just discovered something... somewhat interesting.

There's a regular at our restaurant called David (yes, that is his real name). He comes approximately every week or so to order takeaway.

After I came back from ma' Sydney trip, my boss asked me, "Hey, you know that David? The one who orders takeaway?"

Me: "...yeah?" For a moment there, since that was when I was still ultimately obsessed with blogging, went, "Wait, what!?" ...but soon realised that what came to my mind was [beyond] impossible to be true. :P (if you don't know what I'm implying, then just don't worry about it!)

Her: "He can speak Japanese?"

Me: "What...!?" Did I just hear the word "Japanese"?

Her: "He brought along Japanese friends the other day; he spoke to them."

Me: "...whaaaaaat did you just sayyy!??"

I finally ran into him again around a week later when he came for his usual takeaway.

Me: "...I heard you brought over Japanese friends while I was away."

Him: "Yes..." *nods*

Me: "You can speak Japanese?"

Him: "Yes..." *nods*

Me: "Are you... fluent?"

Him: "Yes..." *nods*

I screamed mentally.

Him: "..I was in Japan for 8 years." And he smiled...

I screamed mentally and jumped around physically.

Next time I met him and I asked him a few more questions, and I was extremely surprised to find out that he'd gone to Japan as an English teacher! O.o

He just didn't look like... a teacher, that's all...

But, oh my! To think that someone I see every week had stayed in Japan for 8 years! Even if I knew nothing about him than what he likes to eat, his name and what type of credit card he has... :P

I Feel Dead

I feel dead.

For some unknown, mysterious reason, at that. Which sucks, because I want to know why... so then I can properly ignore it and continue on doing what I need to.

It's annoying, because I don't like being ignorant, especially more so if it's about myself. =*=
(that's why I was glad that the anon commenter commented, but that's irrelevant)

Yeah.............................................................................

The End of a Week, the Start of Another...

This is a summary of what happened today and lately, I guess....

Goodness gracious, another week has already passed by! And next week, I have more exams to come!

So, lately, I’ve been despising Science a lot like usual, loving Maths + dying at the sheer uber-ultra easiness of it, at a war between like-n-dislike with English, loving the teacher + actually failing at the subject in SOSE, enjoying and working hard in ICT since it’s quite interesting, slacking off like usual in Italian, trying to catch up + go ahead, if possible in Japanese, hating and despising and slacking off at Work Education like usual, and ma’ violin neglected in the corner of my mind somewhere, like always.

I’ll have to try my best in catching up in 15 weeks’ worth of work in Japanese – I actually don’t have to do all of the tasks from the very start of the term, but I will! Because I’d feel unfair to the other students, and it’s better for me to learn this way. :)

Presently, my mind is in a weird sort of state – it’s extremely laggy, tired, and considerately depressed deep inside, but in my conscious, I’m not in a state of depression. My mind’s too occupied for such things… no, I’m just too busy for such things! I don’t have time to waste with more pointless moping!

But, but, my desire to die has not decreased at all! Oh well, wanting to die isn’t such a big deal.

Now, you know how in the above I have stated that I’m loving the teacher in SOSE? :P

B-sensei is awesome; you never really learn what you need to know, but you learn lots of other things instead, and you’d rarely ever need a pen or pencil in his classes.

At the moment we’re studying the History and Geography of Diseases.

And somehow we ended up discussing – well, B-sensei ended up talking to us about, “how our generation is the first generation to not be able to cope with death.” To him, he’d said, that death is just normal, an everyday life thing. He said that our generation is the first to have counsellors and such come to the school if someone here dies. He also said that he couldn’t understand why we’re so upset and can’t cope when someone dies.

I don’t disagree with him at all, except I think that the reason that our generation is unused to death is because we grew up in the era of development in where medical science has improved vastly. So that means less deaths occurs, and we who grows up in the middle-class society doesn’t see much of it no longer, and aren’t immune like the older generations.

Quoting B-sensei, “The risk attached to loving someone is to know that they’ll have to die someday.”

And according to him, “Deaths and taxes are the only things we cannot avoid.” XD Ahahaha, lol.

Also, earlier today, a new takeaway menu arrived at the restaurant – the “prototype” anyway.

The front page looks terrible, and so does a few more things (the text inside has been enlarged though, compared to the current one). :/ Who the hell designed it??

But the thing that’d caught my attention the most was this big line on the front page, “The Best Thai Restaurant in [ENTER SUBURB NAME HERE].”

I was like, DDD8!!! They… They have such nerves to use such a line! How!? How did they come up with this idea!? How shameless must they be to be able to use this line to associate with our restaurant!? I mean, I’d have had no problems if they’d used the word “food” instead of “restaurant”, because our food really is awesome, but, the word is not “food”!!

I decided to not use them unless totally necessary; I refuse to let them out into the outside world! ><

Also, we got a complainer. A weird one.

This woman called approx. one hour after she’d left the restaurant – to complain about the table she’d been seated on! She complained that the table was not to her liking (but a lot of other customers really like that table).

Da hell? Ain’t it a little late to be saying that?

I hear she sounded drunk, too.

After my boss had hanged up, I asked her what it was about, exactly. Deducting from hearing only one part of a conversation doesn’t always result in a precise answer, after all…

She said that the customer had complained that one of our waitresses didn’t understand what she’d been trying to say and weren’t able to communicate, etc. etc. (she also complained about the table, though, but this waitress was also the one who’d seated her, I’d think)

Then at that very moment when my boss had relayed to me the customer’s complaints, that very waitress walked by and decided to play with my hair. =*=

…I think she was trying to get herself fired.

Well, she didn’t understand what we were saying, of course, since we were speaking in Thai, but the boss was standing right in front of me, so if she had enough common sense, she wouldn’t do that in the first place!!!

~

And once again, for some reason, I want to sleep. And it’s barely 10 o’clock. My usual bedtime is at midnight, and even then I’d usually – almost every day – still be feeling quite awake.

But yesterday I actually went to bed at 11.20pm, 40 minutes later than usual. I was actually yawning, at that time of the day!

I wonder if it was because I was feeling bored, though… :/

Hmm… since I’ve had this same schedule (work 5 days at night, + Sunday lunch, go to school, etc) for a while now, I shouldn’t suddenly become tired so quickly…

Dammit, it’s annoying. =*=

A Coin Standing on its Edge, Teetering

It's so strange, yesterday I was in the worst mood possible, since I made a [somewhat] drastic mistake at work. :3
The mistake was still in my mind when I woke up, and it is still in my mind right now, but I didn't feel as depressed about it as I did last night, going so far as to write a will/dying note. :P (which I didn't get to finish yet)

My attention was pulled away from it by a certain book that is just so awesome. It's a Taiwanese Light Novel by Yu Wo - two of her works has already been published as manhuas as well, and those two are my favourites!; 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight!! :D

They are so hilarious; you can read [some of] the light novel translations here or here. (do beware the name differences)
Currently, both 1/2 Prince and The Legend of Sun Knight hasn't been fully translated online yet. But I have the whole The Legend of Sun Knight Light Novels in my possession, ahahaha! (If readers who are desperate wants to see what happen, I may be convinced enough to write up a detailed summary. :3)
Translating them won't work, because they come out sounding not as smooth > although I think I should practice my translating skills, lol...

Anyhow, today's title is a little more poetic than usual...
A coin being a metaphor of my mind - it's not that complicated. One side of the coin is the depressed side, and the other side is the happy side, lol. :P

Anyhow, I wanted to make a blog post.

But all of my drafts contains some sort of depression, however at the moment I don't feel like purposefully making myself depressed. Because I should indulge in a good mood when it's here - I'll turn into a bad mood at work anyway, because some of the waitresses' face just somehow annoys me. :P

I was in such a bad mood yesterday, too...

I guess it sometimes ring true, this "you should speak to someone" advice.
But the last time I talked to someone about my depression, it only made me more pissed - I think it's just because the other person only said stuff like, "why are you so depressed?", "what made you so?", "you shouldn't worry/think so much/be so hard on yourself, etc.", "you have to talk to someone!" and other annoying sentences.
They don't really understand - or rather, to me, it feels like they're not trying to understand at all, and I feel like they're only thinking about the top - the front of the problem, but this is something that needs to be fixed from the very core of it - if I continue thinking so negatively, then the outcome will continue to be the same.
Hah, I shouldn't be saying all this - it's making myself look stupid.
Anyhow, the reason I brought the "you should speak to someone" advice - I talked to someone, but it wasn't exactly about depression, and it just put me in a good mood. Since my friends make me so irritated so easily, I barely have nice, happy conversations with them anymore.
Plus, this person I talked to is, umm... on the same wavelength as I? His own words. :3
Pretty much, unlike my friends who are pure optimists (hah, so of course I'd be pissed at them ><), he... umm... understands?
No, I hate using this word!! It sounds so cheesy!!!!

Yes, so let's just drop that subject! (and I was the on who brought it upon myself... ==")

But now it's time I get ready for work. T^T

Later!

From,
Mage-chan~

Irritation is a Frequent Visitor to My Head, But I Told Them to Go Elsewhere Instead :)

Anyhow, I’m still blogging, as you can see. ^^

Also, whee!! The post title rhymes!! 8D

I’m happy at myself today; I think I acted pretty normal… I think. At least I highly hope so.

There was also another reason that made me happy at myself (there were a few instances where I definitely was not happy at myself though).

First let me relay to you what happened.

My friend’s household conditions has a risk of falling apart (even disappearing completely as a whole) in the future, and the problem and solution is money, plus people’s evilness.

She once stated that she was going to save up money to help with the cursed problem.

So I said, a few eeks later, “You said that you wanted to save up money right?”

“Yeah…?”

“However, if you continue working like this, you’ll never get a pay rise! You’ll need to know what you’re doing wrong! The other waitresses needs to know, too…”

“…I don’t really mind…”

“…”

“…”

I turned to her sharply.

She flashed me a sheepish-looking smile.

I mentally facepalmed myself.

The first second I was pissed at her, but my logical mind caught up to me quite quickly, to my content. :)

Rather than getting angry at someone like her who never fails to irritate me (along with many others – everybody in the whole world never fail to irritate me every now and then) my feelings changed.

I felt more like shooting myself in the head for my stupidity.

This only farther supported my thoughts.

That feelings and emotions are only a pain.

Yep, I’m still repeating myself.

I’m so boring. ==

I was happy that instead of feeling irritated about that certain friend, I blamed myself instead.

Yay~! Yay yay~!

Everything is my fault anyways, so it’s more reasonable of me to be irritated at myself. After all, it’s my fault; since I started the conversation. I brought it onto myself.

My friend, after the Something You Feel When You Want Things to Just End Already post, wanted to say something in response to it seeing that more than half of the post happens to be about her. She replied – ui dunno what reaction or response from me she was aiming for, but she responded with all those irrelevant points.

I was like, WTF? Why are you pointing out all these things? They ain’t the problem – not the ones that needs fixin’ anyways. Sure, I mentioned them, but solving them won’t change too much.

But I’ve already fizzled my irritation from that conversation by redirecting the unreasonable emotion to myself, so now it’s reasonable.

After all it’s my fault for blogging about it, resulting in her talking to me about it.

Besides, it’s almost impossible for me to not be irritated at almost everything that anybody says. =.=”

But then again it’s my fault for being so narrow-minded (and to be suffering from Depression), causing me to get irritated so easily and so often. :/

So, Maybe There is a Happy Solution... As If... Unlikely...?

You know how I've been annoying you guys, ranting on and on [continuously and with a passion] about something as trivial as Work Experience? :P

My friend said she would ask whether I could come with her to same place she was going to, which was a local university. She was going to simply tag along with the Japanese professor there.
I was faced with a feeling of joy, but then I remembered that I shall not be too happy, as life never fails to make you suffer~ :)

However since Work Experience (or rather, Work Education) was one of the main causes of my Depression, I'd be quite happy if I can find a good, happy solution to that...
...but if the answer comes back as a no, from whoever my friend may be asking permission from, then I'd most likely guess that another State of Depression is going to come back~ ;)

And then it's back to the same old spot, that uncertain, dread-the-future, hang-in-there-don't-commit-suicide-yet spot...

As a result of what I'd stated in the What the Hell!? I'm so Annoyed and I Still Hate Unknowns post, I'm eagerly suppressing my hopes down to the lowest points possible.
Yes, I'd better keep it non-existent until it's been confirmed either yes or no...

But then again, my friends say if I believe it will happen, then it will happen. However that is ultimately impossible. No matter how much I willed it to happen, it may not happen if they don't allow it to happen. :/

All in all, it's best to not hope anything otherwise my State of Depression will just be worse, in the end...

I Apologise, and It's Life I [Secretly] Blame

I have a deep hatred for life, it seems, since I like to blame everything on it, but I think most of it is probably because of my own fault. :P
(Plus I'm sure any people like to blame things on life, and they may not hate life as much as I do... may not.)

Now, to the main point of this post I make;-
Sorry that my last few posts were so short; I dunt have time to write too much lately.
Maybe going to school, working everyday, having an extra-curricular subject like the violin, doing an extra subject from others like Japanese, being a part of the Student Council Committee, participating in something like the Sharmarket Game, writing a one-chapter-must-be-at-least-7000-words-long-and-must-update-regularly story, and having hobbies like blogging, writing, reading 'n' watching ain't such a great idea. :3

But you see, everything is my fault. It was my choice to continue learning the violin, my choice to take up Japanese, my choice to enter the Student Council Committee, my choice to participate in the Sharemarket Game, my choice to write Four Leaf Clover and publish it online, and it's my choice to have such time-consuming hobbies. :3
So practically, everything is myyyy fault. x)

So then, I hope I'll get to write another post soon!

Sayonara,
Mage-chan~

When You're Busy, You Feel Like You Lose a Lot of Precious Time Oh-so-Quickly

Ha-lo~!

I just got back from my school-issued Music Camp, where only students who are in choir, does vocal, or does instrumental music can attend, in short, only Music Students can come.
It was rather short for a camp, two-days and one night long. However it was a good length of time for a camp that has you do nothing but practice and play music. (Oh, there was the time we went down to the nearby beach for some random games/activities, but that doesn't really count...)

I also took this opportunity to tell my violin teachers (who happened to be one of my favourite teachers, 'cause he's just awesome), that I will be moving to Thailand. He was not jumping for joy at my news...

Anyhow, I didn't get time to blog about this beforehand on Sunday to tell you all that I won't be able to blog on Monday and maybe Tuesday... :/ Sorry.
But I'm back now, and so is school. :/
Nah, that's not really that cool. School, I mean. Too much stuff to do, and I don't really have to study that hard anymore, because my grades won't mean anything.

We only stayed from Monday morning to Tuesday afternoon, but it felt a lot longer than that. Probably because  the schedule was sort of tight, it being a camp and all.
I managed to get past the halfway-mark in To Kill A Mockingbird, but I'm still quite behind in my researching of the Sharemarket. I have to finish reading all those PDFs I downloaded from the ASX website, then start researching those companies to consider what other shares to buy (then sell), because you must buy or sell shares at least 4 times to win the friggin' competition.
After camp finished and we all left for home, I went to work straight afterwards. I arrived home at approx. 4.45pm and proceeded to eat some food and drink some coffee in 15 minutes. ==
Then I went to work.

For some reason it felt like I'd been away for like, a week.
I was only away from work for one day and it felt like I'd missed out on a lot.
I was only away from home for one night yet it felt like it'd been so long since I last slept in those beds of mine.

Aah... I guess it was because we did quite a lot, and I was walking around most of the time, something which I do not usually do. My daily routine consists of school, computer, food + coffee, work, computer, sleep, then same thing over and over again, most likely. I tend to not do anything else different, and I rarely exercise except for all that walking around campus. :/ But that's already become routine.

I woke up on Monday morning aching all over, and I'm blaming all that useless running around (I was ordered to do it, but I did it without too much whining... it will be my last camp here after all) on the cursed beach. :)

BTW, I went to school and to work the next day (that's today, actually) as well... Now I'm back to my daily routine. :3

Actually, you'd always feel like you lost a lot of time, even if you were a great time manager, you might stil feel that going to the toilet wastes so much time that you can't afford to do it anymore. :3
I'm starting to feel like that...

Since I won't be able to work once I move to Thailand, I've decided to work a lot and save up (now I regret about deciding to go on the Sydney trip... oh well), so am now planning on working 6 days a week.
The only problem now is finding time to study, do homework... and most of all, time to blog, since blogging takes up more time than homework (generally).
And not to forget MANGA READING TIME!! Although that's not really important. And my story-writing time, too...

Hah. Busy, busy, busy, I wish I have a time machine.

Triggered. Returned. Welcome Back, Depression-dono~

We have a lot of regulars, since our food is awesome.

There's this group of certain regulars that come every Friday and sits on the same table every time (they insist).
They are a bunch of annoying folks. At least one of them are. I'm going to call him M.

He had once told me that I should smile more since I don't smile so often, and that I look attractive when I smile. That last comment was actually what made me reluctant to smile, but let's not worry about that. (I have this strange... refusal to do anything girlish. ...and trying to look attractive is very girlish, sort-of... stereotypically, anyway.)
I smiled for him anyway though, although it was obviously forced. (maybe not that obvious, but...)

And today, he repeated himself again, because it's his hobby to annoy people.
"Can't you smile?" he'd wondered. "Look, follow your friend's example here," he then added, gesturing to my friend who had been standing next to him for whatever reason. My friend then flashed a grin at me cheerily.
I was like, "..." Hell no. =*= But I quickly flashed a smile at him anyway to humour him a little; hopefully he'd stop bothering me and just say what he wants already.
He went on, "See, even your mum smiles all the time." He points to my mum. I could just tell without looking that she was smiling brightly.
Stop complaining you #$%^&!!! You can't expect someone suffering from Depression to smile ever so often!! That's like... asking a cheerful person to cry!!
However I did not say that out loud. As I didn't really want to announce that I have Depression, yet I was extremely tempted to shout that to his face since he was making me feel... I dunno, what... frustrated?

By the way, that sort of triggered my Depression since it came flying back after its vacation of me being ultra busy and not having time to think about pointless things like life.
I think it's also the fact that I'm going to be moving back to Thailand. I've been avoiding saying this since it's really... something that I don't want to say, but maybe I am sad to leave this place after all.
Once I really leave for Thailand, I don't know when I'll be able to visit Australia again. :/ I mean, there's school and stuff and I really have no intentions of going on a holiday in Australia. Nooo.
I don't mind being alone or having no friends, but I don't want to lose anything... no? =*=
Geh.

...Maybe I really should just commit suicideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Ahahaha, as if. I'd never have enough courage to do that anyway.

It says here that,

"Painful conditions always pass, both mental and physical. Life always changes, and better times will come back inevitably.

Do not decide to harm yourself for a problem that will pass."

That's what it said. (You know what, that website annoys me quite a lot. =*=)
...it will pass? You're saying that a problem will always pass?
Oh my god, reading through that website pissed me off quite badly. I am now in quite a bad mood.

So I will tune out. Check out that website and tell me what you think about it... although you might not be able to give such a good answer if you've never felt like committing suicide before... Hmm... :/

Maybe a reason I'm annoyed is because that it's telling me all those things that I already know like "life will always change" and other random craps and reasons to NOT commit suicide, yet all of those craps and reasons are the very reason that caused me Depression in the first place and wants me to commit suicide!??

Hmm... I don't really know.
My Depression sorts of makes me annoyed at almost everything, too...
Or I may just be... ahem, PMS-ing, although the last time I read this it was not that time of the month yet I was still annoyed at it...

Anyhow, I will stop writing now since I am too annoyed to write senselessly!
And I'm sure you all wouldn't want to read a post full of senselessness!!
Because it would be senseless, and it wouldn't make any sense!!!

So then, sayonara!!!!

Easily-Irritated Persons Such As Me Gets Irritated Easily. Also, Words Can Kill. And Debates Can Cause Depression. And Depression Can Kill. So then, Any Talking; Can Results in KILLED. By the Way, Do Try to Avoid Using the Cursed Word(s) Unless You Want to KILL. ^^

Okay, that's like, one of the longest post title ever....... but meh. I like my titles to sound catchy. xD 

Can't have it not. ...does it sound catchy? :)

One of my friends just came back from her 4-days vacation to Sydney.

She bought… stuff.

She said that they were for my birthday presents that she’d failed to give in February, which happens to be the month that I was born in. I told her that she did not have to do such things. Not in that kind, considerate, pleased way, no.

I was feeling irritated.

Or was I also secretly happy?

Or was I both irritated and happy?

So was I irritated or happy?

Anyway, outwardly and on top, and consciously, I was irritated. That she bought me a birthday present.

I know I should be happy, social-interactions-wise… But I couldn’t fake happiness. I never fake happiness. Faking happiness isn’t something I like doing, and it is something I can never be stuffed to do. And it’s no difference this time.

As soon as my friend had mentioned the word “birthday”, my State of Depression just immediately decided to come back from its vacation. Well, it’s not like I could stay cheery-happy for that long, technically speaking, anyway.

Because, why the heck must people keep celebrating that cursed day? The cursed day… =*=

The damn cursed day…

Psh, with the mention of that cursed day, I was put into an irritated mood for the rest of the night.

Not to mention that I came across this customer that irritated me. It wasn’t something worth being irritated and annoyed over, really. It was just a simple mistake or idiocy or retardation by the customer. However, I was annoyed.

It was a simple through-the-phone take-away order.

She ordered a certain food and then said “MILD”. It was said in a tone of voice that made me want to destroy the freakin’ phone. Did she think I was illiterate or something? Do I sound like a 5-year-old? You think I can’t understand you?

Although it’s probably because I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said, was why she’d said it to me like that. However the reason I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said was her freakin’ fault. There was this sudden background noise that came out of nowhere then disappeared quickly.

Plus, the fact that that certain dish WAS ALREADY MILD also annoyed me. =*=

She ordered a few more dishes, then she repeated the whole order again. For my sake, of course, but this also annoyed me because I was about to repeat the order back to her when she beat me to it. However it’d have annoyed me more if she’d asked me to “repeat the order back to her”, when I’m about to do just that. I’m an easily-irritated person. As expected of someone suffering from Depression, though. No surprise, really.

She went a little rushed, and so I asked, “Sorry, can you please start from the start again?”

She made this little annoyed “huffed” noise. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed, however, because so am I. There’d be no end to this. :/

“..blah blah blah. And I want it MILD.”

Me: =*= It’s already mild, you dumbass! And it’s written down on the freakin’ menu!!! “Sorry? MILD?” I asked this just to make sure, and I was annoyed, too, ahahahaha. Although that was as far a revenge I could get because, customer is god. J

 Customer: “Yes. MILD. I want it in mild temperature.”

This sentence was what ticked me off completely. What did you just say? Are you twisted in the head? Did I just hear the word ‘temperature’ come out of this receiver? I was a bit taken aback and so I went uncertainly, “MILD… temperature?”

Customer: “Yes, MILD. You know how you have it in mild-medium-hot? I want it I mild temperature.”

She successfully made it sound like I was the idiot with half-deaf ears.

I was pissed.

However I did successfully ended the conversation without any yelling.

Good thing it was on the phone. Only some saw my irritated face. :3

Back to my friend who bought me birthday presents, which was a month and a half late, but that wasn’t the problem…

I was irritated that she bought me birthday presents, and I kept telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. In monotone.

…In my heart I knew I should at least smile when she gave it to me. But it was too hard to fake happiness, like I said…

“I got you the first volume of The Prince of Tennis and a Vampire Knight Art Book!” she says.

Me: =*=… “J…Oh, that’d have been good… except that I already have the first volume of The Princes of Tennis at home, in Thai…”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: Why am I acting so mean? …Aargh. It was the cursed word. The “‘birthday’ present”… The cursed word, indeed.

Friend: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Me: “Of course you didn’t.”

No, I wasn’t happy at all. Really. I don’t think. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.

Like hell I know, and like hell I care.

…Did she misunderstand my tastes? Yes, totally. I don’t understand art. And it’s not like I like Vampire Knight that much, either. I dropped it edges ago, really. Didn’t she know that? Err… apparently not. But who cares.

She said that “I didn’t know what to get you. And the stuff that I wanted to get you, you already have, so I got you those.”

Yes, but I already have one of them. And why are you buying me birthday presents? Trying to make me commit suicide, now are you? “Easiest way out. Don’t buy me anything.” < I said that sentence like, 5-6 times to her earlier today .

Fortunately, being the optimistic person she is, she was still smiling like always. Phew.

Plus, I’ve been trying to not buy any material things lately, with the chance of me going back to Thailand by the end of the year extremely high and all.

Yesterday my mum just said “This IELTS test is impossible for me to pass” to me, so might as well deem it certain…?

Oh, but my mind haven’t really accepted the truth yet. It’s like how I’ve been avoiding thinking about Work Experience (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check some of my earlier posts… umm, the one that says “The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide”…)… It will need to happen, yet I’m not doing anything about it…

Geezes.

I hate life. =*=

Someone kill me nowwwww.

Some people will probably be really offended if they heard me say that. :/ You know, those people that are fighting to live, respectively. They’re fighting to live, and here I am asking to die.

While my life is perfectly likeable. In many people’s eyes.

I like my life. I do. I just don’t like life as a whole. I think it’s a bunch of senseless, pointless crap.

I don’t even have any right to be suffering from Depression. =*=

Geezes. This is another reason why I hate life so muchhhh….

Okay. I really, really, really want to die right now.

LOL, my State of Depression is full back and rolling. :P I don’t even care about leaving people behind at this moment in time (I’m sure I will sometime after this though, but not at the moment. I know myself).

Blame the word “birthday”. And then that “Work Experience” I’d just mentioned. They’re quite convenient triggers for my State of Depressions.

Other convenient triggers includes “future”, “university”, “senior”, etc, anything about the future, really.

A while ago someone had asked me whether I’m going to do the “Headstart Program” or not. (It’s this program at a certain university where you can study a course there while you’re still in Grade 11 or 12.)

I went quiet for a moment. I might not even be in Australia by then. Plus, even if I stay using a Student Visa, I’m not sure whether I’m eligible or not… “…Err, yeah, I want to, but I’m still not sure yet…” Was the reply I gave.

Daammmmmmmmmnnn.

Am I trying to make myself depressed?

Talking about these stuff sends me into despair. :/

So why am I talking about them? =*= Well, it’ll take a while for me to get out of a State once I’m in one. Maybe you should expect a few more Depression-filled posts the next following days? :/

Or maybe I’ll force myself out of it for the time being. I have lots of things to do after all.

Can’t waste time moping around thinking about committing suicide, now can we?

I seem to have a twisted mind. A word that normally gives people joy like “birthday” makes me want to commit suicide.

…Is what I think I should say.

HOWEVER, like hell my mind is twisted. I just think differently from people…. (is that valid? O.o). I’m just a coward that has really, really, really, low self-confidence. That’s right. It’s the start of it all.

Once another friend of mine has asked me, “Why do you have low self-esteem?” when I’d told her that I have low self-esteem.

I tried not to make a disgusted face at one of the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s like asking someone who’d optimistic why they’re so optimistic. Or asking someone who’s nice why they’re nice, etc.

Like hell I could give you a proper answer. It’s in ma personality!! But I attempted an answer anyway. “Well… that’s because I lack self-confidence, which is practically the same as low self-esteem anyway…” Pauses. “Do you even know what self-esteem is?”

She shrugs uncertainly.

Me: =*= Damn. …I was pissed. :P

She tried to talk me into getting out of Depression, I think, or whatever it was she was trying to do. When I mentioned that I’m a total failure, she said that “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.

Me: “Why not?”

She: “…Well, you just shouldn’t consider yourself a failure for every little mistake you do. Everybody makes mistakes.” I’ve heard that phrase so many times, I could strangle you for saying it alone. Can’t you be more creative?

Me: “…I know that. I know that everybody makes mistakes.” Yeah, even elementary schoolers know that.

She: “So you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

Me: “If I don’t be hard on myself now, I really will end up being a failure once I move back to Thailand.”

She makes this sort of impatient sound. “…Now, if you think you’re a failure, then what are we?”

Me: That makes you guys total failures. But I can’t really say that, even if I think that. Plus, she’s measuring my “failure” level with only academic level. However that really doesn’t have anything to do with it. There are lots of people in this world that ends up successful without even finishing primary school. Your argument is invalid. =*= I can’t survive in life when I’m scared of just doing Work Experience. So freakin’ scared that I’m Depressed! How’s that!?? However I painfully lost that argument because I couldn’t say that I thought that they were failures. And it was simply too bothersome to explain the whole concept that came afterwards (Typing this up was also a pain, mind you). She wasn’t the type that could understand big stuff like that anyways, although it is quite simple…

I was still pissed as we continued the conversation. Don’t know if she noticed though.

Our opinions on this certain topic never mixed well. Everything she says to me, I have an argument to back it up. However I FAILED in debating and I can never come up with a proper one on the spot. :/ It sucks.

However our debates never really ended with a clear winner…

Talking about debates, that reminds me of something I want to rant about.

The friend that came back from Sydney that I mentioned earlier? She’s also the same “certain waitress” that I’ve complained about in a couple of my posts back in March.

There was this one time that I had a non-serious debate with one of my co-workers about how a sign should be put up; whether the sticky-tape should be on the inside, outside, etc.

There were several interruptions since we were in the middle of work.

My co-worker was the one who put up the sign, I got the last word in, and she put the sign up my way. Then the certain waitress passed by and asked, “Who who won that argument?”

“Hm?” I wondered. “No one…” Which was sort of true. Since I didn’t feel like I won anything, but my co-worker didn’t win anything either. It wasn’t serious anyway.

“Of course, of course,” she said, grinning at me knowingly. She gave me the look that one would give you a person who’d lost yet isn’t admitting it…

My anger metre went up sky-high. =*=

This actually happened in December last year, mind you… And yes, I still remembered it, since it pissed me off quite a bit.

Yes, I was pissed.

…How many times have I used the word “pissed” in this post?

…Oh well, my friend(s) never ceases to piss me off. x) Partly because Depression makes me easily-irritated, and partly because I have a bad personality… (unless I’ve had Depression since I was in elementary school, then it’s definitely related to my personality. I’ve always gotten irritated, annoyed and angry at pointless stuff since I was a kid. I’ve gotten better since entering middle school, but then Depression kicked in. So then, oh, back to easily-irritated with everything pointless! 8D).

…Even their face(s) pisses me off sometimes. Never mind how, ‘cause I don’t really care, ahahaha. xD

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~

Most People Would Think I'm Weird. However I Just Lead a Different Lifestyle.

I'm beginning to dislike holidays.
Actually, I may already dislike them. Maybe not "holidays" as in day-offs, but definitely "school holidays".

There are several things that I have to do during the next two weeks before Term 2 starts.

My Holiday Tasks:

1. Redo Italian script for assignment, due next term
2. Make the Italian powerpoint for the assignment plus practice speaking (the script in #1)
3. Read To Kill A Mockingbird (for next term's English's Novel Study)
4. Look at Obentou Unit 8 (Japanese, starting that next term)
5. Forward with the Sharemarket Game (for information about the Sharemarket Game, read this)
6. Help Kaa-chan (I mean my mother) with IELTS tests (she needs to pass this to get another visa)
7. Go on Brisbane Trip with tomodachi and do Purikura (we planned on this last term, hopefully we'll get to carry it out...)
8. Progress with Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33 (my original story on Fictionpress.com)
9. Re-learn juggling (I've got my hands on really good juggling balls so I was planning on finally mastering the skill)
10. Attempt to master orchestra songs, remember the scales learnt in lessons; PRACTICE.
11. Catch up in Natsume Yuujinchou anime. Start Gintama and Full-Metal Alchemist.

Daammmmmn. =*=

And it's the holidays so now I have to work every freakin' day.

All the teachers and every other people think the same things. They think we have oh-so-much free time during the holidays so they give you work to do, thinking that we'd have lots of time to do them. =*=

I barely have time to read any manga. Well, that is, if I really follow on my plan without procrastinating, which is quite impossible...

So I'm still reading manga. But knowing that I have lots of other stuff to do makes me irritated as hell.

Although my mood right now is quite good, with the news about going to Sydney and all... :3

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~ ^^