Objection, Rejection.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, just didn't get to publish it. But the thought of this post was pissing me off because of a certain event that happened in real life...
So, someone complimented me.
I responded uncertainly, "okay..."
And the person said, "Say thank you! blah blah blah,"
"Huh?" I actually didn't even register that it was a compliment then! I mean, I knew what he/she said... I just somehow didn't manage to make the connection that "what he/she said" = compliment. I deduced that it must've been because my brain hates compliments so much that it subconsciously rejected it, so my mind didn't register it being a compliment!! XD

Now, onto that actual post I wrote a few weeks ago. I don't want to delete it, so I'm going to "get rid" of it by publishing it. :D

Every time I hear a praise or compliment (someone saying something praising towards me), I go nuts.
Someone says I'm smart?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm pretty?
Objection. (Has happened before)
Someone says I'm good at writing?
Objection. (Has happened before)

My brain would immediately and on automatic start finding evidence to deny the [not true] statement.

You know, when I get complimented, it would be best to just say "thank you" despite not feeling thankful at all rather than denying it, right? Or not?
I should just totally lie right? I should just pretend to be happy right? I should just pretend to be glad right?

I hate this sort of contradiction. ...I hate all sorts of contradiction.
Yet it's prettyyy common in my daily life. [As Earl Lloyd once (or was it twice?) said to Kururugi Suzaku; "This contradiction will kill you one day". Anyone who don't know what I'm talking about must go watch Code Geass. And now.]
Lying is best...
But I dislike lying...
Oh. I just realised. I should do what is best and ignore my own emotions. -__- How could I forget that.

So let's just go and say "thank you".

Well that was easy.

Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

Why is it that I Feel so Lucky, Yet so Unsatisfied at the Same Time?

Well, it is possible. Very possible. Because the "lucky" part is not something I "feel", but something that I "know" for a fact, while the "unsatisfied" part is something that I feel.
Knowing that I am lucky and knowing my own personality make myself hate myself to bits. It's... so unfair!! WHYYYYY!??? Why am I so lucky!????
I have heard people telling me that I am lucky already; like I said, I... take in what people say. Those "lucky"s were for different varied reasons, but this was triggered/inspired by the comments in this post. This idea/point has been running in my head for quite a while, but the comments have encouraged me to actually type it out~ ^^
...I feel lucky that I received a good education when I was young (can't say the same for when I wasn't young, though.. no, it is "good" I guess, but, well...), but I feel no happiness over it, only regret and the heavy feeling that comes with knowing that something much better could've happened - but it is already too late.
My friend/s comments on my "luckiness" every now and then, and usually they are things that I didn't really have any or much control over - the state of my hair, my skin, my family members, that I have a job, etc. It makes me hate myself more, knowing that I am so lucky, yet am not happy over life = not happy over them. ...I should be happy over them!! I need to be happy over them!! I need to acknowledge them and not take them for granted!!
So why is it that someone like me who doesn't take care of my skin at all, has a terrible personality and lifestyle, get all those lucky points!?? Why can't it go to other unfortunate people out there whose lives are much worse than mine!? Why can't it go to people who would actually appreciate them!? Why is it all wasted on me!? Why is it with someone who can't appreciate them, even worse, despite knowing their own luckiness!??
...Of course, this begins another conversation with myself, and the same pattern breaks out. The top just now was the "comparison" with others - the ones who aren't "lucky" like me.
Then I go on.... "maybe it's with me to compensate for all of my bad traits! maybe it's there to balance out my terrible nature, so that I won't end up a complete trash!"
"..."
"NO, no, no, no!! I'm making excuses again! Excuses, excuses, excuses! What the heck am I saying!?? "compensate"!? Hah! Hilarious! Complete idiocy! Remarkably outlandish!"
"..."
"UGH, I am selfish anyway, so who cares! I'm a bastard who takes things that other people wishes so badly for for granted, an evil self-centred bastard! Period."
Then I take a rest and go on doing other stuff. :D

You know, I also hate myself for not being able to react positively to praises. I'd either think that I don't deserve them and begins an all-out mental battle against self, walking down the same road of depressed thoughts even though it was already worn from being over-used, or I'd react by thinking in the way that arrogant people would. None are quite positive...
My attitude annoys me to no end. =*= Which is why I hate emotions, too. Emotions influence my attitudes vastly, considerately and predominantly. Which is also why I put my Silenced Strategy to use; because I always say things that I regret, mostly because of those irritating emotions.

...There are many reasons that make me hate life.
I feel strangely burdened all the time - restrictions, once again. I can't feel any sense of freedom - apparently it's better to 'stick to your timetable', but I feel restricted and tied down whether I follow it or not. Always. There's never nothing to worry about.
I worry about everything all the time, even about time itself. Right now I am trying to write quickly because I'd just finished work and the time limit I have until my bed time is not too long.
I don't want to live mainly because I feel so tired by it, and I see no reason or point to, and I have no dreams that I might want to aim for, and I don't have a job that I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life.
My mum reckons I worry too much, and I can't deny her, because she's always right. :3
And she may be right, who knows. Because others around me didn't seem to be worried continuously in every minute of the day.
At the moment I'm really worried about my Japanese. ...I fail! I can't believe I'm this bad! How long will it take me to learn Unit 3 of the textbook!??? I've been on it for a while already... the class is already up to Unit 5, and I haven't even taken a third look (I've taken a second look already, but brief...) at it yet!! Ahh, I feel so stupid!! It's already half way through the year!! I've already been in the Year 10 class for what, 8 weeks!?? Gaaarrgghhh!!! I hate feeling hopeless - yet I get to feel it almost everyday...

Hahh... I feel like I'm running an endless marathon full of evil traps that finishes with a dead end.

Something That Runs Continuously On the Underside of My Brain.

I have lots of conversations with myself.

There's a pattern in this conversation.
Something comes and triggers my thoughts upon the subject.
I ponder upon this matter, somehow managing to make it into the biggest issue of life.
I begin to feel the biggest amount of self-hate, self-pity, etc.
I reasoned with myself that it may not be the case, and that there is a possibility that it is just me making an issue out of things. However that would be thrown away from the argument after a few minutes.
I compare myself to others - I can always find faults in myself in the topic, whichever topic it may be.
I find excuses to keep myself away from the pits of self-brought despair, telling myself positive, encouraging things.
Then I realise that I am making petty excuses and jumps back to the comparison part, and continue to make myself more hateful in my own eyes.
Comes more excuses, and possibilities which I might have missed. For example, if I was worrying about my stupidity, my friend's quotes would pop into my head "you're so smart!". But then I'd go back to comparing myself against something that is much better than me, resulting in me being stupid once again. I will do the above more than a few times, over and over again, so much that it became unbearably indecisive that I just go "eff it!" and...
I conclude my own argument with a definite (negative, usually) conclusion.

This post and this post... (you know, every time I read those two posts over, I end up crying. Seriously, it's ridiculous. I cry over what I write? Pffft. Hilarious, hilarious.)
I'm so stubborn, and once again my self-hate increases.
I think that the reason that "I am stupid, and that can be blame upon the Australia curriculum, however I am also stupid, lazy, weak-willed and indiscipline, so that certainly helped my stupidity increase... oh no, wait! I can't blame the Australia curriculum - I have to blame myself for not trying!! That's right!! YES, it's all my fault!!!" won its respective argument/s was also partly because the "be modest" belief is engraved into my very brains as a manner that I should certainly contribute to. ...every time I say something good about myself, I'd always regret it, my own words echoing in my brains, feeling like I'd just insulted someone quite severely. This modesty issue would always pop up into my head. It's like... stamped onto my very soul... =.="
I don't know why. Maybe it's because I trust my mum and her every words too seriously. Or maybe it really was because I ran into better people and just literally lost hope in my own abilities - although of course I can't stop them from being great... not that I wanted to. ...please leave me in my own failings. ^^ I wish to drag no other into my petty, ridiculous little problems. (you can't even call this a problem. Ridiculous)
Another reason I say that I'm stupid is also because... if I say that I'm stupid, I feel that I am allowed to make mistakes. If I label myself as intelligent or anything of the kind, it restricts me and troubles me so much; I feel that I cannot let myself or others down and I will spent the longest time worrying over the smallest mistakes, because of this "intelligence"...
I... also take in what people say to me. I have been told by 2 - no, 3 people now that I should just skip ahead and... study, or whatever. It makes me... it makes me want to break down crying. No, seriously. It does. Somehow. At the moment I am trying to figure out why.
Maybe it's because I desperately wanted to do just that, yet somehow I am not? And I feel like I was in the middle of trying something impossible, and someone comes along to tell me to do something that I've been trying to, yet failing to, upsets me? It makes the reasons that I hate myself ever so evident? It remind me that what I have been doing in the past times is a total waste of time; pointless, useless, worthless? It blows heavily against the fact that this is all so pointless, it was a hard blow to get me going from a spot that I'm stuck in?

One thing that I am aware of all the time is that my own conclusions may not be always right. Because I'm also sure that I can't be "right"... which strangely contradicts yet also supports my thoughts at the same time.
There are so many ways and exits to one problem, but I kept in mind that people have limits.
I know that I may be underestimating my own limits, yet at the same time I believe that I am what I am, not that I'm underestimating myself...
That is to say, I'd always have a contradiction to myself running continuously on the underside of my brain... at all times.
This is what I call my "logical" side, the side that explores all the possibilities and outcomes by comparing my thoughts with not only greater things but the speeches of peers and other evidence - which is another reason why I hate myself. My other side always win. But even so, I still could not tell whether my other side is right or not.
I hate, hate, HATE this feeling of contradictory - it's included in the "patterns" of my conversations with myself above. I hate it so much mostly because I face it almost everyday, not knowing which answer is right.
Then this "modesty - I'm a failure" issue kicks in, and the side that wins is the negative one... as you all know.
Although of course, the "logical" side continues to run on the underside...
Which means I have had the same argument in my own head with my own self over and over and over and over and over again!!

It mushes my brain. But ranting on my blog then gets rid of the mushiness somewhat. ^O^

That is all for now, 
Adios~!

From,
Mage-chan~