Maths Test. Legendary, and Very Memorable.

So. I already know the Maths C assignment and exam results, as well as my English analytical exposition assignment.
You already know about the Maths C assignment here.

Maths C exam results; 0.5 marks away from 100%. -__-

English; A...

Now, what I want to complain about.
I just did my Maths B exam.
It. Annoyed. Me. To. Hell.
Repeat. It annoyed me to hell.
Not extremely hard.
Just annoying.

Or it could've been some overly-complicated double-feint trick question, and I, S.A. and T.W. all got the question wrong (with the same answers).
It was just... stupid. STUPID!!
Anyone who has seen the questions would realise just how utterly pissing that exam was. Especially the Standard B and A.
When I realised what the answer was (which could be wrong, if it really was an overly-complicated double-feint trick question) I was rendered speechless.
There was no "lead" to the answer. It was just... oh my god. I really can't find the words to properly word this.
It was on Algebraic expressions and factorising/expanding them, proportionality and probability. We were given a certain shape, and the rule for its area... we just had to factorise it, then the answer becomes pretty obvious.
And the last last question... was that a trick question? It must've been a trick question. Or once again, some overly-complicated double-feint trick question.

And the Standard B... was also a trick question, wasn't it?

This Maths exam will be ingrain into my brain for the rest of my life. Err... maybe. Probably.

Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

I Have Been Really Not-Creative Lately... Subjects and Results, Interpretations and Happiness, Future and Possibilities.

It really annoys me still. 

They say our school is a really really good school.

It is.

But it never fails to pisses me off in ways that are... not entirely 'wrong' or 'bad'.

The whole Year 10 had a draft for an assignment due last week. The English department made it such a big deal by putting it in the notices and reminding their students every time they see them.

I don't like this idea. Isn't it the responsibilities of the students to be able to hand in their assignments on time? Isn't it their responsibility to remember? 

[What I say when everything is too easy...]

I didn't comment on this issue, but the above was really bothering me, truthfully. If they don't hand it in, then just leave them be and let them fail. If they don't have the motivation, then that's their fault. In real life no one would come to remind you to do your work. They'd just fire you if you don't do it!!

We're already in Year 10, goddammit!! 

I guess all this ruckus would be acceptable if it was in primary school. But we're not in primary school. We're already 'senior high schoolers'...

~~

…a teacher came into our class today and talked to us about how we can pick from either English or English Communication for our Senior…

When the teacher said, “You should consider English Communication if you are struggling in Year 10 English,”, I thought that “I’m struggling”. However it was already set that I was going to do English, because I’m passing it and am planning on going to university. And people would object if I say that I’m struggling, I was sure...

But then tonight I realised that I’m not struggling in Year 10 English. I am, indeed, struggling to get a VHA in Year 10 English… which is sort of different. -__-

On the other hand, I’m also struggling to get a VHA in IT and Music. In Music, I’m probably more on “struggling to get a pass/SA” though… It. Is. Too. Damn. Hard.

So far I’ve gotten a B+ for my last Performance assessment. Next is a transcription task; that’s alright, although my understanding of it is extremely blurry.

The composition, the exam, the essay… I. Will. Fail. Trus--- no, I can’t tell you to trust my words. Because I might be wrong. I’m never right, after all.

~~

I also got my Maths C assignment back today. An A+… but not 100%. For a moment I freaked out, but then I realised that the points that made my marks not 100% was the Investigation task. So then I meh’ed, because I didn’t put my hopes into the Investigation task much.

My friend also got an A+, with a higher mark than me in Knowledge and Procedures; I got 18.5/20 and she got 19.5/20.

When I’d heard she say, “I’m happy with my mark”, I almost screeched out loud; “How!? How could you be happy with just that!? Ridiculous!”

But I was the ridiculous one, ahahaha. -_- I actually can’t believe my mind had that sort of reaction. She was 0.5 marks away from 100%... who wouldn’t be happy? Ha, me of course.

Now, apparently anything that’s not 100% is considered a “failure” to me, even if the overall mark is A or A+. And I have an ominous feeling that I won’t be happy with a 100% either… which pretty much means that I won’t be happy at all!? WTF!?

I’m starting to suspect that I’m a masochist or something! I want to see myself fail so badly… although I know why, of course. Since I’m so annoyed by the fact that everything is so easy, I want to do something hard. And to also prove my stupidity to the people who are in denial and keep saying that my intelligence exists, I want to fail on something, too…

Keh. Kukukukuhaha.

Ohhh, then again, who gives a crap about all that!? I gave up caring already! I'll just do what I want and need to do then get a well-pay job, work lots, go on a world tour, then die a painless death!

...like hell it'll go as planned, though. Life always has a way to make you suffeerrr.

Something will happen.

Something will.

I just know it.

It just depends on when.... 

They say life is short, but that only makes me more worried about everything. 

Time is precious. Time never stops. Time moves so fast. 

Something will change.

Nothing can stay the same forever.

Life is short, but there is so many things that I want to do... but will never be able to. 

There's always a contradiction in my thoughts. I am happy right now, everything is good. That's why I really don't like the thought of future either. Yet I feel that I could've been somewhere better for the sake of a better future, and so that makes me miserable and I feel like everything is doomed to fail one day.

Since it's good right now and has always been, I  feel that it definitely will be bad in the future. It can't always be great until I die. That just won't happen. I just know it.

Definitely.

I'm always dreading the day someone I know drops dead. Even if I lie to myself that it won't happen, but I know that it's a very likeable possibility. 

That may be a 'bad' time, but who knows... since I know that someone I know will drop dead during my lifetime, I don't like the thought of being really attached to anything. Because I know that I will lose someone and something one day...

But then again, I don't care any moooooore.

Too tiring to think about. I think too much, I feel like I should feel more. But feeling is also tiring.

So I just won't feel any more... was what I wanted to do. But that's impossible!!

Grr. Why is everything so bothersome!?

Someone said that "they don't care what they do/what they become as long as they have fun/enjoy life"... it pisses me off!

I could live like that. But if I only have fun, where the hell do I get my income from!? How would I live!? Is living in starvation fun!? There's such a big contradiction in that sentence!!!!

This is why living is such a bother!!

"Those subjects are an important.."

"What you choose will be important..."

Important, important! I hate the word important!! I hate anything that has meaning! 

...

Okay. Enough of that psychotic ranting.

I should be studying. ...Like always.

By,

Mage-chan.

Subjects; Senior, in 2012

In Australia, it's the time in where Year 10 students start picking their subjects for their "Senior" years; a.k.a. Year 11 and 12.

They say it's the most important years in our schooling, and I have no objections.
All the process and focus they're putting on it make it all very serious and important, too.

My brain is going to burst.

I'm short on subject lines.
AGAIN.

This happens EVERY-FREAKIN-YEARRR!!! EVERY FREAKIN SEMESTER!!!!

Anyone who reads this who isn't a Queenslander; my apologies, but I will cease unnecessary explanations because I simply CAN-NOT-BE-BOTHERED.

There are 4 lines for electives. The subjects I wanted to do are:
Mathematics C
Economics
Business Communications and Technologies
Accounting
IPT (Information Processing and Technology) [IT - programming, algorithms,computer systems etc.]
ITS (Information Technology Systems) [IT - graphic/web design, network systems, administration, etc.]

As [hopefully] you can already tell, I need to kick two subjects out.
I've already decided to not do Accounting since my mum says that I should do Business rather than Accounting because I would benefit more (more pay) from being a business executive than an accountant... =.=
But there's still one more that I need to kick out.

On subject selections' day, I kicked Business out.
But afterwards I talked with my mum and she says it'd be better to do Business instead of Economics because it could cover Economics a little as well. I'd agreed.
But.
If I rank the subjects in order of "likeability", it would go like this:
Mathematics C
Economics
IPT 
Business Communications and Technologies
ITS

But if I rank the subjects in an order that considers opportunities, career paths, future jobs, etc. it would go like this:
Business Communications and Technologies
Economics
ITS
IPT
Mathematics C
(not so sure about this list, by the way...)

I just realised 2 seconds ago: I could actually weigh out the total "should do" points of the 5 subjects using Matrices!! XD
Okay, here I go. XDD
I give each of the positions on each list a point each of 1 to 5. (i.e. 1st place = 5 points, last place = 1 point)
Then I add each of the points from each Ranking together;
Mathematics C = 5 + 1
Economics = 4 + 4
IPT = 3 + 1
Business Communications and Technologies = 2 + 5
ITS = 1 + 2

So then;
Economics: 8
Business Comm. and Tech.: 7
Mathematics C: 6
IPT: 5
ITS: 4

ITS will be kicked out... possibly... maybe...
I'm really not sure about whether the rankings on the two lists are correct or not anymore. -__-

As I was killing myself over this, my friend came up and said "Do what you want to do, not what you need to do!" ...which resulted in me actually letting go of a shrill scream and throwing the book that was in my hand onto the ground.
I do not consider doing subjects that I do not want to do. Therefore all the subjects I'm considering are all subjects that I want to do. Also, the subject that I want to do the most happens to be the one that I don't need to do the most, if I intend to go down the business path...
But of course, I wouldn't consider doing business if I didn't want to do it! But Maths means so much, it's so awesome, and I don't want to drop it at all!
Economics is so awesome, and Business is alright; don't know...
I don't know whether I like IPT or ITS or not either, even though I've been doing it every year since Year 9...


Grr. All this make me want to use the Anger Room. Real badly. (Official website)
It's been on my bucket list for a long time. It's so ingenious in so many ways! One day I've GOT TO use their services!!!!   DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!
Oh my, thinking about this is making me excited.............................. Let's go to America now.

Good Maths, Bad Maths... Good Maths. :)

Maths B is killing me little by little in each [terribly wasted] lesson, but Maths C is just getting way too awesome.
It's...--holy!!

Last lesson (Monday Period 4) I was embraced with a feeling of utmost excitement. We're now moving on from basic Matrices and are now doing a new topic in the Matrices unit for the term's assignment.

And that...
is...
CRYP-TO-LO-GY!!!!

fhjbgjdshivgnhnsicg nl khdfsjhvb fvbdbvimfo3ut48trojgvehgfperke!!!!!!!!!!!

Cryptology! Cryptology! You actually study something like Cryptology in school! And apparently you can do a whole university degree on Cryptology, too!
Cryptology! It's secret messages, secret codes, numbers, more secret codes! We get to encode, decode! We're learning about secret codes, goodness' sake!!
And I'm even more happier since I struggled prominently in the lesson before we moved on - I couldn't really understand it, I just copied it down without really thinking much... oh!! I didn't understand it! This... this is too awesome for words!!! XD
For once they give me something that requires more than 20% of thought power, and at the same time we're also doing something totally, ultra, excessively, ridiculously cool!!

...but I now feel so extremely depleted... nothing's really changed... haah.

P.S. Dear fellow friend, I have a violin lesson in period 1 tomorrow.

...sedfruhgfjndjfy73rdcvbj50odeyh!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah!

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?
It's been less than two weeks! Maybe it's because we got Taiwanese Exchange Students (almost as awesome as Japanese Exchange Students XD) but I feel so depleted... it's all back to square one. Or maybe it's because my Maths B class is just...
We got a new teacher this semester, and he was new to the school, too.
The first lesson was spent between the teacher and the rest of the class discussing and arguing over "what you're supposed to teach us, what we're supposed to learn, what are we learning, etc.", which is also what happened in the second lesson.
Third lesson, we all resolved to doing Chapter 3 of the textbook, which is Ratio and Proportionality... which is ridiculously easy, mind you.
Him; "Okay... you all can choose two questions from Exercise 3A to Exercise 3D, and we'll start 3E together next week."
Me: "But I've already finished 3D since last term!!!!!!!!!!!" (and TWO questions!? Ridiculous!) I certainly didn't yell it out loudly, but I did tell him that, but I was purposefully ignored. I decided to just start doing 3E, because it looked extremely inviting. And it was pretty easy too, it was... all the same thing, except... worded differently and with different numbers used!
Exercise 3E was Inverse Proportion, 3D was Partial Proportion while 3C was Ratio and Rates of Proportionality, 3B was something that I don't remember and 3A was Direct Proportion.
The only thing that's different is the formula; I can't see why so many people are struggling... they don't know how to substitute numbers!? (<yes, I know, this is usually the hardest part. But when there are only two very obvious numbers for you to substitute, it's so obvious!!) They don't know how to times, divide, and do basic algebra!!!???
I did half of 3E, and then next lesson, he started the lesson by explaining what Inverse Proportion is... something which he already told us before. I totally shut him out of my system and set down to finishing Exercise 3E... which I did, and before he finished his explanation on Inverse Proportion, no less!!!
There was nothing else to do so I wrote down his explanation and examples for Inverse Proportion anyway. I had around 5 lines left to write when he told the class the questions he wanted us to do in Exercise 3E. After I finished copying down the useless stuff, I simply had nothing to do, while my classmates were doing Exercise 3E. Grrrr. We're supposed to go to school to learn, dammit!
I just sat there idly for the rest of the class time. =*=
Those are the type of Maths lessons that makes me want to strangle myself... I don't hate them that much if I was in a lazy mood, but still. To have a class yet do nothing just depresses me... ==

There are so many things that I want to say but does not want to say at the same time, mostly because I fear repercussions, reactions, and consequences. I have once told myself before that if I hesitated to say something, then it probably shouldn't be said. Usually I say them anyway after thinking over it for a few seconds, in which I would most usually regret it...
Today, a certain conversation also made me felt like I was being mentally tortured. It felt sort of like... felt the same as when someone told me to study ahead. *nods* Something that I was already trying, failing, and yet someone tells me that I should do it, makes me feel like I've been restabbed - the first time by myself...
It feels sort of refreshing to be hit. Subtle doesn't seem to work with me - which highly tempts me into self-harm to get me 'going', but that won't do... =.="

Talking about Maths make me think of my friend's unluckiness.
Every time she asks me for help for Maths, it just have to be when I'm in a bad mood, so it always end with me not even trying to teach her and yelling madly. And even though lately I've been in a good mood since I've been doing so much Maths, she just had to pick the day that I had the above lesson to ask for help. I ended up screaming, no joke...

Thoughts on Maths and School. :)

Seeing "Maths" all over my timetable soothes me considerately. No, maybe quite a huge amount.
It makes me feel like I'm actually doing 'something'. Being at school soothes my thoughts too, because it gives me something of a 'meaning'. It lessens my daily suicidal thoughts considerately, because I now have something else to think about, and 'important' things to do.

I can't say I love school, mainly because I don't like using the word 'love' - it is too strong, too definite. I am a person of uncertainty and lack of confidence; I don't like my words sounding do definite. 'Hate' is okay because it is negative, and I am a negative person. So that is acceptable. I would only use it if I was 100% sure and passionately felt hatred towards the subject/topic/object to the point that I might even give up dying now just to do something to it though. :O (In normal people terms, I guess that it's "hate it so much I could die"?)

Seeing "Maths" all over my timetable soothes me.
Doing "Maths" every school day and sometimes twice a school day soothes me even more.

Maths C is ridiculously fun. I have to admit this.
However there is still a catch. ...Seriously, something never fails to worry me. ==
Apparently since Maths C is a senior (Yr 11 & Yr 12) subject, there isn't a course/textbook available for Year 10s. The teacher said that we're practically doing Year 11 work - the activity book we were given was copied out of a Year 11 textbook.
That sentence made me somewhat glad, yet painfully agonised at the same time. We're learning Matrices. I bet you a million dollars that I could do this even if I was in grade/elementary/primary school. No joke. And apparently it's for Year 11s. ...that's really depressing to hear.
What we're learning in Physics is even harder than that. And Physics, in my eyes, is probably Grade 9 level. Although I did have a bit of trouble with it, but that's simply because I'm stupid. :3

Three of my six subjects are Maths C, Physics and Maths Extension/Maths B. Physics contain a lot of maths, so it feels a lot like I'm doing maths. :3
So peaceful~
Doing Maths day in, day out~
I get this "fuwa~ fuwa~" sort of feeling after a Maths-filled lesson... 

Second Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm, hm. :3

Started the day with Maths, which is good like always, although my emotions feel like they've just been abused. It's all that "who's going to be our teacher?" issue. I got my hopes up after hearing that our new Maths teacher could be one of my favourite teachers, but in the end it's false hope once again. But since it is Maths, I guess any teacher is tolerable since the subject itself makes up for it.

During Morning Tea, I was reminded by myself of my Silenced Strategy once again.
I simply talked too much.
The expression on a certain person's face that I saw after I'd realised that I talked too much made sure of the fact that I certainly talked too much. As usual, I disappoint myself -- oh wait, I didn't disappoint myself. It's more like I broke my own hopes, since I wasn't expecting much from myself from the start.

Period 3, I had English, which I was sure would re-mushed my brain.
Surprisingly, it didn't. Not much, anyways. Since we did activities that only requires the contemporary English. Phew.

Period 4, IT... yeah. Nothing much here.

Lunch Break, but I had a Japanese Lesson... which was uneventful like usual, but I was splashed with a small worry that we're starting Unit 5 yet I haven't even been able to properly learn Unit 3 yet. Unit 5 is clothes and season, Unit 4 is illness, and as stated earlier, Unit 3 is directions...

Now, Period 4! Period 4!
I had my first Music with A-sensei, one of my favourite teachers and violin instructor - I've had him for violin lessons and such, but never for classroom music.
God, I was totally expecting it, but isn't he one awesome teacher.
He crack jokes - maybe too many. Because I remember myself laughing 80% through the lesson... yet somehow ended up learning quite an amount. We're learning about the past music, and so he started us by giving us facts about the Medieval Period. I have to tell the truth; why is it so much more easier to remember than when I was taught this in SOSE class? I can even remember that the Medieval Period is between 450 and 1450! :O
And we were being taped! It's because a few of our class members are doing Music but on a different line - because their subjects didn't end up right, so they'll be doing it through the computers, and the Head of Departments of the Arts decided to tape our lesson for them to watch later! >//<

A good day. :)
Although of course I'm still worried about Japanese exams and homework, and about getting kicked out of Physics class...

First Day of Term 3, 2012

Hm.

Something that I'd like to point out first is, that, the other day at work, my friend walked in and saw me. Like usual, I'd already saw her since at least 20 minutes ago; I just didn't greet her.
She: "Ah!" She tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around, she waved excitedly to me. I usually get annoyed at this because it was wasting my precious time. I was annoyed again, but just meh-ed it off. I looked at her for a short while. I couldn't force myself to act cheerful, so I just simply turned back after looking at her for a few short seconds.
She: "You look so tired today!"
Me: "..." I was actually feeling really refreshed then. All energised and half-jumping. I wasn't as moody as usual. Which then the comment gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.

And this morning!;
She: "Mage-chaaaan!"
Me: "Helloo!" I was in a rather good mood. Maybe because I was at school.
She: "You look really refreshed today!" Once again it gave me a mixed feeling of annoyance, wonderment, and what-the-hell-ness.
Me: "..." I was actually feeling quite tired, dazed, and I could feel a headache rolling. However I thought that since I haven't been cheerful for such a long time, I should at least attempt now that I was back at school, a place that I am surrounded by many people.

End of that tale-series.

I started the day of with ITP, or ICT, it makes no difference either way. It was rather uneventful, since Adobe Illustrator CS4 is acting up, and the IT peoples need to act on getting it fixed until we could get serious. ^O^
After Morning Tea I had Physics, and it was one heck of a big class. The room looked extremely small with all that people in it. The teacher, which I'd heard from several sources, that he is "very good", began writing on the board the topics that we'll cover in Physics in this certain semester.
He went on to say that we'll start with Rocketry. We get to make rockets. It could go up to 250 metres. Then he gave us three Equations of Motion then said, "It is your homework to memorise all this by next lesson".
Me: "..." This... this... this is so great!!! It bring tears of joy to my eyes when I hear that we actually get homework!! (even if it is not so much) However that is alright, because it is the first lesson.
After the very much fulfilling Physics lesson, I had a boredom-filled Work Ed class. But I actually tried, because the task this lesson was somewhat interesting.
We were given a scenario: we were on a balloon, and then that balloon fell into a deserted island. Write what you would do it those scenarios: build a shelter, find food, one member has a broken leg, a gun is found, wild goats are also found, etc. I felt that I should exercise my brain through this, and when on to write a paragraph on each, because there were many possibilities.
After that, it was Lunch break, then I had Maths C last.
The teacher that I was supposed to be getting was away this week, so I got a substitute teacher whose English is rather heavily-accented. It annoys me to have to concentrate more than usual to understand what she was saying, but over all the lesson was good. The work was easy, although I suspect that it will get irritatingly tedious and repetitive in the future. FYI, we're learning Matrices. :3

The only thing I am excessively worried about now is Japanese and Music. Music seems like so much work and Music theory and I have never been good friends. It mushes up my brain a lot, and even then I until only understand it half-heartedly.
Japanese, I just am - I spent the holidays trying to cram Unit 3 (directions) into my head, with failure. DX
And also, because the Physics class is so big, my teacher said that we were going to look at our grades so that he can get rid of a few people. Hearing this made me twitch in fear. Last semester for Science I got a B in Achievement and Effort, something that I didn't mind so much, and still doesn't, but then that means I have a chance of getting kicked out... maybe. It depends mostly on my fellow classmates' grades. ==
But for now I'll just pretend sensei never said such things - because worrying about it won't do much, and I refuse to believe that it "will be fine".

You Serious?

Today, at work.

A couple of customers came up to pay. They looked all around 20-ish, probably university students or something of the kind.
The total was $137.40 AUSD.
They gave me $90 cash then decided to put the rest on card.
So I was like, "So that'll be $47.40 on card," I said, while slashing the card on the Eftpos machine.
There was a short pause before one of the guys exclaimed, "WOAH!! Did you just work that out in your head?"
Me: "...yes...?"
Him: "I'D NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT!!!"
Me: "..." I felt like banging my head against the damn cash register. Did I hear right? Did he really just say that?
...SOMEONE!!! Kill me noowwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just More of the Same Things - Complaints.

I hate myself for being so lazy, for being so indiscipline, for being so unreasonable, and for being many other annoying things...

The other day I was watching a random Korean movie that was airing on SBS.
It was just a short scene between a 9-year-old girl and a doctor, but it struck a most vivid impression upon my brain and will continue to haunt my mind simply because this is something that has been worrying me endlessly.
The doctor: "So you've already finished Grade 2... so can you do addition and subtraction?"
The girl: "..."
The doctor: "Can you multiply? Divide?"
The girl: "...I can divide three digit numbers."
The doctor: *nods, and then said in a casually impressed tone;* "Well, aren't you a smart girl."
Seeing that sort of reaction to something that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do makes me want to smash by brain, crumble my skull, twist my arm, snap my neck, etc. etc. etc.

...I've been underestimating the Asia curriculum!! They are much harder than I'd deduced!
Sure, I mean, I had expected that they would be able to divide three digits numbers in their heads, but Grade 2?
I mean, I certainly learnt addition, subtraction, reading and writing of Thai and the English alphabet in preschool, then learnt multiply in Grade 1, but...!! Even now, in Grade 10, I can't even multiply three digits numbers!!
...But no wait, if I think about it... I can blame this all upon Australia education... you couldn't have expected a primary school student to be so intent on studying maths!! I couldn't have expected my young self to realise what I was getting myself into! I couldn't have thought about this when I was not yet 12, worrying about how I was actually really stupid, when I was the best at Maths in class! I couldn't have forsee  this ultimately agonising trouble! I was too stupid to realise that the maths in Australia was, and still is, very very easy to what it is in Thailand.... no, I already knew! I just didn't do anything about it, being purely and stupidly careless about my own future - I didn't think of the possibility of returning to Thailand, I trusted that I'd be able to catch up if we did return. But it's different now!! I have at last finally acquired the very obvious realisation of my incompetence, and I know that it is too late! I'd never be able to catch up even if I try, when it's this far into the school years!! If I'd returned when I was in still in primary school, it could've been possible, but now... there's absolutely no hope!!
I've lost a precious 9 years by doing and learning not as many worth things as I could have learnt in one or two years over there. Just knowing that makes me want to scream, and...
...my hate for myself just increased. =*= I was such a stupid, ignorant little spoilt brat; I wished I was killed when I was little!! Or at least, I wished I was intelligent enough to realise my own stupidity and have had at least a little insight about the fact that if we ended up returning to Thailand, I'd be a complete idiot! I should have known back then that my grades here would mean almost absolutely nothing!! Absolutely nothing!!!
My own stupidity disgusts me!! I disgust myself!!! Why was I blind to such obvious things!? How could I have been that ridiculously ignorant fool when all those obvious things was so blatantly right in front of my eyes, yet I'd stupidly ignored it and didn't pay them any mind!!!

...haah. To know that someone out there is most probably laughing at my demise makes me want to turn maniacal... sort of. I feel like shouting, "Laugh all you want! It'll make me feel better, I want to mark a seal upon myself, I want to create a so prominent a scar, so that I'll never make the same mistake again. So that I won't forget my own utter stupidity, my own foolishness, my ignorance in everything important."

...I'm certainly taking this all too seriously. Maybe. Possibly. ==" I mean, I wouldn't know, but if other people are okay with being failures, then why shouldn't I? I should just accept my fate, no? >.>
However, that's my how brain works, and I've already gotten it out, so it's all good now, at least for a few more days. ^^
Expect more psychotic ranting soon. I need to vent them out on my blog because I don't allow myself to do so in real life or outwardly, so all I can do is crazily type out my crazed words.
So many things triggers my depressed thoughts and livid annoyances every single day, but I refuse to show them too openly, for I always fear a consequence in my actions - I fear creating more regrets for myself to despair upon, more mistakes to add to my own stupidity.

So in real life, I remain as silent I can force myself to be.
That is all. ^^

Report Card, Semester 1 2012

I just took a look at my results for last semester.

4 Bs, otherwise all As.

The following are the categories that I got a B in:-
Strings, Achievement
English, Achievement
Science, Achievement
Science, Effort

I don't feel anything... Nah.
I really don't care any more, it seems...
I bet you I wouldn't even feel anything even if I'd gotten A in every single thing. I might feel something if I'd gotten Bs or less in everything, though... fear, because I was afraid that my mum or dad or someone would say something...

Although I am glad to be able to get away from my Science teacher. Now it's less murder intent coming from me daily, during school days. ^^
I'm not looking forward to the classes (simply because I don't really want to do anything, let alone go to school and study...), but fortunately it looks like all my teachers next semester are likeable people. :)
Hmm, well, except for one mysterious teacher which I know of not, but meh.

The subjects I'll be taking next semester goes as follow:-
English (compulsory)
Maths Extension/Maths B (compulsory)
Maths C (sounds fun~)
Information Technology, IPT and/or ITN (I really want to learn programming. Just saying.)
Music (apparently, there's a lot of work in this subject. I'm now simply going to see how badly I will fail! the "performance" assessment is not something I look forward to...)
Physics (...I should pick a Science to do.)
Work Education (compulsory, only two lessons per week... now, if only that could diminish to zero)
Japanese (extra, two online Distance Education lessons per week during lunch hour ^^)
Instrumental Music, Strings (also extra, one lesson per week plus Orchestra rehearsal once a week)

I'd picked Chemistry, Economics and Italian, but I was kicked out of Chemistry during the picking-process and they decided to throw me into Physics instead ><, Economics was dropped since not enough people chose it (damn the idiots who doesn't see the invaluable knowledge they could gain!), Italian clashed with IT, and I certainly didn't want to sacrifice IT for Italian.
Fortunately I got the Maths C, but I have a feeling that that's because the amount of people who'd picked this subject was just enough for a class... so to say, they will put everyone who'd picked this subject, in that subject.

Apparently, according to many of my acquaintances, many people hate maths (although I have met people who like Maths as well...). I still wonder exactly why to this day.
The Maths at our school is so easy it hurts me every lesson - always makes me want to scream in agony.
Think about having to learn SURFACE AREA in Grade 10 (with a Scientific Calculator), goddammiitttt!!
Yet... people still seems to struggle with it.
Ahh, thinking about this is putting me in bad mood. =*=

So, then, adios.

From,
Mage-chan.

SOSE & Math Exams Results, Holidays... Somehow Brings Negativity No Matter How Great it is.

I can't believe it.

I just got my SOSE exam results back. There must be some kind of mistake.
I really don't believe I can get 100% on a SOSE exam. No, I really don't think so. Especially when I was 3 freakin' marks away from getting 100% on the last Maths exam. =*=

It's totally messed up. This is messed up.

I feel really messed up.

My brain is refusing to believe anything... for some reason an A isn't good enough for me? For some reason getting A++ on an exam doesn't make me that happy?
I feel no sense of accomplishment. I feel no sense of relief, mostly because I no longer trust myself to receive an A in anything (yet I usually do get an A... in almost everything).

It's also school holidays really soon in Australia - less than one week left. It gives a mixed feeling of despair, uselessness and relief.
Time is moving so fast. It's moving too fast.
Others are probably grateful that school holidays are so near, but I also know that if that's the case, they'll be over in the blink of an eye, too. [Oh, I manage to pick out the negativity. :P]

It's already the 6th month. Only 5 months left... until November...

Oh, for god's sake, someone just kill me already so that I don't have to worry about all this cursed sh*t!!

Lack of Endurance and Lack of Effort

Which do you agree with more, "everyone is born equally", or vice versa?

I've read a considerable amount of manga, and in some, the philosophy they use are different. One says that everyone is born equally, but another says that everyone is born unequally - some are born into a poor family, etc, etc, etc.

Personally, I don't really think anyone is "exceptional". Life applies the same, annoying, unbreakable rules to everyone. I just hate those rules, I just can't stand them, I'm too tired to follow them, and I don't want to follow them.

Oh well, life isn't really what I was planning to blog about. =="
You're probably so tired of it now, you're planning to stop following my blog, right?? ><

The other day, another innocent conversation triggered me into a certain phrase [but this is positive... I think], that will most probably, very sadly, short-lived. I just know. It's happened before. =="
My mum and I came home one day after the same routine of work. We settled down then she started a conversation, "Today, Tony complained that he was tired."
Me: "Uhn." I already knew, since I heard him complaining, too. Tony's one of the chefs, btw. He's younger than my mum, though. [By farrrrr]
Her: "But look, I work from morning to night everyday, and I don't complain. Your aunty's even off worse. She wakes up early in the morning... Him complaining shows a lack of endurance."
By this point I was thrown into another self-ponder mode. Another one of my many "Hard Working" phrases started again, but I just know that it's going to last no more than a month, at most. It'd happened more than once, in the past. =="
Me: "I also have a lack of endurance, then." I mean, seriously now. I only work 5 hours a day at most, and I'm already complaining!? Shame on me, shame on me!! Weak!! I have to try harder!! There's no excuse, no excuse!! Pathetiiccc!!
Her: "...but you're still a child, so it's ok," she tried to reason.
Me: "Noooo, it ain't okay," I immediately replied. There are kids out there who're starving to death, working from morning til night to feed themselves and their family... and they aren't complaining!! It ain't okay!

Every time this fact hits me, I feel really guilty because usually I'd be acting quite irresponsible and all...

I've been a terribly bad child lately, not studying properly, leaving my assignments until the last moment, playing too much games, procrastinating too much, going to bed one hour later than usual and trying to get out of work as quickly as I can.

What I should be doing better is to prioritise. I know what is important and what is not, but what I do and what I should do are two different things. =*=

It pains me to the core to know that I didn't get 100% on my last Math exam. It makes me want to cry and slap myself into shaping up. [...almost said torture there, but it sounded a little too heavy...]
It pains me to know that I only get around $200 AUSD per week at the moment, and that could barely make a difference to the family's income. [I only contribute $100, though. The rest I keep...]
Which all comes down to that I simply have to work harder. I have to stretch out my working hours as long as possible, more so since I actually get the chance.
I thought that maybe 5 days a week just wasn't enough, but if I increase it my schoolwork will likely be neglected... =.="

Ah, what a bother it is to live...

"Don't Worry!", "There's Nothing to Worry About!", "You Shouldn't Worry About Such Things!", "Everything's Going to Be Okay!", "Everything's Going to Be Fine!", "You'll Be Alright!", "You'll Be Fine!"

...such irritation-inducing advice they are. ...to me in a bad mood, anyway.

There's no logic, no base, no reasoning, no anything.
Just one sentence full of nothing but baseless hope. And hope are uncertain things. Hope and despair are too similar to each other for me to rely on "hope".
Hope and despair are like opposites, but being opposites, they are extremely similar as well.

But, really, I no longer give a crap. Because I don't want to feel anything any more........

BUT IF ONLY that could be the ultimate truth. :/

Is there no way to die painlessly, quickly and neatly without committing suicide? Is there no way to just disappear off the face of the earth like you'd never existed? Is there no way to wipe out every emotion you can feel? Is there no way to just not be born? Is there no way to destroy the whole damn world without killing or hurting anyone or without creating a sin?

...The things I want the most are things that seems to be beyond impossible. =="

Optimists can be optimistic because they have confidence in themselves, more or less. But I don't really have much. You could say I don't even have any, actually. I can't even trust myself to do a basic sum properly; anything ranging from 7 - 5, 6 + 5, 10 + 4, 2 x 6, 10/2 and such. I would come up with an answer, but then I wouldn't be sure whether I'd gotten it right or not, so I would also do it twice, or grab a calculator.
A couple of years ago, I would be confident enough to be sure that I would at least get a C in everything.
But now, even if it's a Maths test, a subject that I have never before in my life gotten anything lower than a B, I wouldn't be sure of my results until I get them back. Even if all of the questions on the exam were ones that I knew, and even if I'd answered them all easily, I still wouldn't be sure that I would get an A, or even a B. You never know what's going to happen, after all.

Presentations and performances are worse. But that's quite obvious.

My Silence Strategy probably resulted partly from this, as well. ...I don't even have confidence in what I say.

Which is also partly why those baseless words annoy me so much. They are optimists - or at least, they aren't pessimists. So they would have confidence up to a certain point. And here they're raining their confidence on me. But there is something to worry about, and there is a chance that everything won't be fine. After all, I ain't any intellectual person, I'm just a stupid girl of a failure.
How do they even know that everything's going to fine? That it's going to be alright? Don't tell me they can see the future! Don't say that they have confidence in me! How can they have confidence in someone like me; I don't even have the least confidence in myself! It makes no sense, and I hate it when people say things like that with such certainty when they don't know for certain that things will be alright!
It's no difference to someone saying to you, "You will fail that next exam."! Just because it's positive, and just because everyone thinks I'm smart, it still doesn't make the fact that I'll pass certain! They don't know how much knowledge I attain, they don't know how smart or stupid I am, so how do they know!!??
They don't! They can't read my mind! They don't know how much of anything I can remember, they don't know how slow I am! Yet they have such confidence in that, while I obviously don't deserve it, because there is a chance that I will fail!

...Real optimists tend to have considerately high confidence... that's for certain. And so when they say those words to me, it pisses me off since their confidence is obviously miss-aimed. =="
[I guess that also goes to say that I don't like to disappoint people (actually, I HATE it). Which is true, I must admit. >///<]

...for some reason, I feel like I have a lot of problems. But oh well! They're nothing anything except me should worry about, anyway. After all, I will repeat myself, I ain't anybody important! ^^

I'm just complaining here, living up to my blog's name! :P

Well then, adios~! XD

From,
Mage-chan~

The Stupidity of Some People...

Australians.

Australian students, more specifically.

How people can be so utterly stupid amuses and annoys me in many ways.

We're currently studying trigonometry in Maths class at the moment, just like, Sine, Cos, and Tan.
Most of it is easy. Some of it are not so easy, but I wouldn't call them difficult. Not at all. You just have to think a little; the answer is smack right in their faces, yet they can't see it!!!

Why can't people who maths problems when everything is so effing easy!!
You have a formula; USE IT!!!

I mean, like, you get given a problem, you get given a formula...
WHAT CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND!???
YOU USE THE FORMULA!! YOU REPLACE THE PRONUMERALS BY NUMBERS!!
THEN YOU JUST USE YOUR DAMN CURSED CALCULATOR!!

One of my friends pissed me off by asking what to do when she got passed the stage where you substitute the numbers with the pronumerals.
I stared at her.
Are you serious? Are you freakin' serious? There are two numbers. One is written on top of the line, and one is written down the bottom. You divide the top number by the bottom. Can't you understand so simple? 
I... was seething.

It's already been a couple weeks since we started doing trigonometry, after all.

All this just makes me feel the more stupid. :/

~School Days~ (24/1/12)

First day of school. == Gone by in, like, two seconds. >.>

Guess what? 8D I started my new school year with an assembly followed by a bunch of maths problems! xD

...What? You think I'm being sarcastic? You think I'm being sarcastic, right?

...well, Maths is actually one of my favourite subjects... so I don't really know whether I like the fact of starting the school year with that or not. It's gotta be better than sport, hands down. ==

That aside, there's a goal that I've always wanted to fulfil. Yet this goal is impossible.
For weak-willed me, anyway.

Goal: To STOP PROCRASTINATING.

X) See? Is that a possible goal?

I also have another impossible goal; stop wasting my life away reading manga.

Here's another one for you; live life. xD
Actually, I just lied. That isn't a goal of mine... but it is an impossible thing for me. xP

Well then,
Back later~ ^^

The Unknown Future

One day, I ended up talking to my uncle about university.

He asked which department I may be thinking on joining for it.

I was like, "Ugh... I was thinking of doing IT...'
And he goes, "You shouldn't really... like, everyone's doing that does days. Once you graduate you'll have to fight other people for the job then."
I agreed.

We went on and on.

I said how I'd once wanted to do architect/design, but then I soon realised that I have absolutely no creativity. :/ So I gave up that.
I'm no good at English; I'm quite imaginative, but my grammar and vocab is NOT GOOD.
I suck at Science...
The only subject I'm good at is Maths... not that there's a course JUST for Maths at the university I wanted to go to... I don't think?

But now with the happenings of this post, things will have to change drastically.

My mind can no longer focus on just trying to get a good OP and go to university, then just pick a course/degree to do, etc.
Now I'll have to prepare myself in case I don't get to stay in Australia, let alone to go university.
T^T The university over there is sure to be 10 times harder to get in, let alone to study in it. :/


...Although I think I may have found a subject that I may be able to do. 8D
Economics. Finance. Business. Global Finance. Politics. Legal Studies. Administration. ...something along those lines. Working in an embassy is cool, too. 8D And maybe Immigrations might need help. >.>

...not that any of those subjects are under the "not so easy" level...


The world sure looks bright!! 8D

*Pure sarcasm.* -_-