Yes, That's Right, I Have More to Say...

I was on this website that is "preventing people from committing suicide". It's this site, btw.

This was what it said:

"Painful conditions always pass, both mental and physical. Life always changes, and better times will come back inevitably. Do not decide to harm yourself for a problem that will pass. Please do not make major decisions about your life when you are depressed, or have taken alcohol or drugs."

I laughed.
What caused me stress n depression is life itself. Can't escape from that unless I commit suicide, now, right? xP

This page of that website offended me quite a bit. =*=
It also annoyed me a little once I imagine someone really doing that to me... :/
Okay.... maybe I shouldn't have read that page..... it's a bit....hmm...

And okay, I just got more offended reading this page. =.="

Hmm... I really don't want to go "I can't believe I want to die" because I'm actually really proud, so I will not try to deprive myself from Depression. >.> I don't want to do what it says simply because the site offends me and I just want to prove it wrong. x)
Okay, I've got a reason to be Depressed forever now. :P
Ahahahahaha.
^Just so you know, I was quite serious.........

I also read those:
Teenage Depression (although I hate being grouped as a teenager... :/)

Okay... there's only one more, but "those" sounds nice so I'm not going to change it. ==

Ja na,
Mage-chan yori~

Just Saying Something Quite Trivial

You know, if I happen to make several different posts on one day, in a roll (or not), like today, the order they are release in is intentional.

So please read the first one posted first, then the next, not from the top of the blog downwards.

Sometimes there will be references to the post before, or some sort of story/flow, so you should do that...

This Random Passage on the Internet Just Ordered me to do Something...

LOL, the post title is quite random sounding. :P

But this is another Depression-filled post, mind you. x)

I went on a little Wiki Walk with this starting word: Depression.

That certain passage just freakin' told me that I need to get help, or whatever...

Now I'm re-thinking things.
What is it that I really want?
To die, to disappear, to not live, or to deprive myself of Depression?
Hmm.... :/ A hard question, that one.

Err... I... am too stubborn to try and get rid of Depression, to be honest. I don't know why, maybe it's because I think illnesses are cool? :x
As they say, Television is Trying to Kill Us.

And I really really really really REALLY don't want to be deprived of Depression... then to look back on my life and see how stupid I was to sink into despair when there really wasn't any reason for me to. :/
Actually, I think if I try I would be able to get rid of this, since I know all about myself and all... =*=
See, I even know that what I'm thinking is stupid.
Oh wait, or do I?
Yaaahhhhh~ Yada yada yada~
The human brain. What a hard thing to understand. Even a human brain isn't advance enough to understand itself. ==
Hmm... I think my view on life is correct...
Um... oh, yes, it's because I know that optimism is a good way to live life, and I can understand other people's point of views...
...this is really complicated. =.,=
Oh, that's right...! I want to commit suicide, but I also know that it's not the right thing to do - this known fact is also one of the things stopping me from doing so, mind you. So... I know that me wanting to commit suicide is stupid, but I really want to do it!!
Yaaaahhh~ :D
Depression is so annoying, yet I like how it makes me feel... I don't know...
...I love my I view the world; I think it's right, but I just don't like how I'm acting... that's right! That's it! I don't like what I'm doing and what I'm not doing.
I hate how unmotivated, lazy, stupid, and passive I am.
...but my thoughts controls my actions. =="

Y'know, all of this is so troublesome and bothersome and tiring that I just "want everything to end already". :3

NO, I don't want to exercise.
I don't want to do anything anymore.

I want everything to effin' end.

....
Why do I keep repeating myself, damn it? ==
I'd better come up with some new things to rant on about next time so that I can keep you  readers entertained.
Then again, you guys aren't like my stories readers... I don't feel obligated to keep updating because I feel that I can make people happy with my product...
Maybe it's because there aren't many readers, and barely any comments, while I get at least one review in 3-5 months with Four Leaf Clover?
Or is it the content?
...most likely all of the above. :/

So then, so long,
From,
Mage-chan~

Strangely, Many Clicks Doesn't Make Me That Happy.

This blog just reached over 1000 pageviews. :3

Just want to mention.

...However, it doesn't make me as happy as seeing Four Leaf Clover getting over 100 visitors in a month... :x

Well, stories and blogs are two different things. >.>
...Or maybe it's because I know that half of it alone could be coming from just one person?

MY Bad. I Don't Actually Want to Die...

I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS TO END ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think talking about this really isn't that good after all... :/
Another conversation with my friend concerning the topic of my life just occurred and my desire to end life just increased. ==

When I said that I just want all of this to end...
I don't really want to die, I just don't want to live. I don't want to feel, I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything.
...Did I mention that Depression is a serious mental illness?
Is this above thinking because of my Depression? :/
Hmm... can't tell... although I did say that pessimism and depression are two different things...

I've been wondering, you see, one of my friends, Em-chan, said that she once helped one of her friends overcome Depression when they were in Grade 8.
I don't know how the friend got Depression, but I don't really think mine is that easy to cure because the cause...

The cause of my Depression is quite vague, but I guess I'd just pin it down by saying that the reason for it was life itself. How ever I cannot escape that... of course, unless I commit suicide. :P

Do you understand my words, or rather, my senseless rants, more now? Or maybe you understood from the start?

I hate it so much, that I want to run away.
Of course I could instead choose to fight against it, but I'd still be in it, wouldn't I? I can't escape life, unless I choose death. :3
Or a coma. xP
On the brink between life and death, however I won't be involved in either. Paradise. xD
However then my parents will have to pay for the hospital fees...
No matter what I do, I'll trouble them, eh? Well, not "trouble", but they'll end up needing to do something for me no matter what I do. Or even if I don't do anything at all.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST END ALREADY!!!
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO END!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
INCLUDING LIFE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

If not, deprive me of Depression then make me win a lottery that'll make me a billionaire!!
Maybe then I'd want to live. :3

However the chance of me winning lotteries and becoming a billionaire is quite non-existent.

IELTS: Why Are You So Freakin' Hard? And I Hate You Government.

In the new guidelines for immigrants immigrating to Australia, as of 14 September 2009, all immigrants coming to Australia must take an English test (IELTS), and get at least 5 out of the 4 different categories or more, depending on your job that you're applying for for the Subclass 457.

=*=
We've bought the Practice Materials for the Test and they just arrived today. I took a look at it.
All hope has been lost; is what a part of my brain is telling me. However the stupid part of my mind is telling me that there is still hope if it's only 5 if she has to go for.

Damn it. I really didn't like the look of the IELTS (Practice Materials). It looked so shady. =.,=

To hell with the person who was the Minister of Immigration and Citizenship when this guideline was proposed in September 2009! To hell with him!
...And I've just come to seriously despise the Australia Government, although it's because I wish to remain in the country that is under their guidance. How ironic. =*=
And I used to like Kevin Rudd, but he happened to be the Prime Minister at that time.
My opinions has changed. :/

Also, I took a look at the Student Visas stuff, and I mayyyy be able to stay if I tryyyyyy and attemptttttt to get oneeee....

...Since you have to pass a health check to get any visa - ....Does Depression count as an illness?
I hope they don't take that into account... or that they don't test mental disorders... ahahaha...
Although I'm worried whether my mum will pass the health check or not... and she's been saying that her ears aren't very good lately so what would happen if she wasn't able to do any of the Listening Task in the IELTS?
I guess there's still hope left, although a little, tiny spark...

Yaaaaaahhh~
Easiest way out, let's move back to Thailand!!!

I'll die from all the homework and assignments and cram schooling, but who caressss!???
Iii definitely donnn'tttt careeee anyyyymoreeeee!!!!!!
AHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

:3 I've gone insane.

Oresama Teacher 77: You Are the Prince

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

I do NOT like cliffhangers!
And I'm sure no nobody else does either!!

And the cliffhanger just then was a really good one! As in, the timing was very good... for the author, I mean...

So then!
This chapter was good, like usual.
Mafuyu-Natsuo, being as baddass as she/he is, managed to break through thousands of guys to the top floor to save Kanon-chan~! xD

And I sort of like that Nogami-dude, the Banchou of Kiyama. x)

Nowwwwww, come soooon, next chapter~!
Fight-o, Panda-sama!

Bleach 486: The Prelude to the New War

No, that's not the chapter title either.
And it's more like the first part of the "Prelude to the New War", actually, since only so much can happen in one 18-page-long chapter. :/

And I'm very excited!
Although I don't really love the new art development, it's still good, I guess.
The plot right now is great though! 8D

And Urahara appears too! Nothing like the appearance of your favourite character to cheer you up!
And Byakuya spoke more than usual! And he wasn't just talking to make himself look badass and cool either; he was actually saying something nice (and really meaningful, at that) for once!

I really really pity Sasakibe... :/ He's a really really pitiful guy...
I mean, come on! He gets the most screentime and gets talked about the most after he'd already died! And even his information was withheld until now, his freakin' funeral!
What a pitiful guy...

Pesche was also funny and I really enjoy reading Nel in her chibi form 'cause she's adorable.
Renji and Byakuya are cool, Urahara is awesome.
Ishida wasn't being annoying and is acting all cool. ><
Not too much Orihime, gladly. (She only got a quick shot in, no dialog~ Yahh~)

Overall, good chapter. :3

I'm a Realist. My Friend is a Dreamer (?). Our Opinions do Not Mix Well.

"If you think about something/believe in something hard enough, it will come true one day."


...LIKE HELL IT WILLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes me so irritated just thinking about this uber outlandish belief!
....LIKE HELL IT'S TRUE!
...Like hell you'll become a millionaire one day by believing so! Then go and loan a million dollars because you know that you'll have enough money to pay the bank back one day anyway!
...Like hell you'll become a freakin' mermaid the next morning if you wish hard enough! Then go and jump into the water and try staying underneath for half an hour!
...Like hell you'll be able to fly once if you convince yourself you could! Then go jump off a cliff and try!!!

What really matters are your actions!! Nothing will come out of just believing and thinking!
However, not just your actions matter either!
Like I have state in one of my other posts before, you are not the only one in this world, and not only you can influence the events that happens around you. Even if you try your hardest, you may still fail if there is no opportunity for you to win. There may be people who try to stop you - there may be people who won't accept you, and you can't do anything if no one accepts.
Because you cannot really achieve anything alone.
For example, businesses needs customers. If you don't have any customers, you fail. If customers don't accept your business, you go bankrupt. You go bankrupt, you don't have any money. You don't have any money, you starve. You suffer, you die in vain, you fail.
You live off other people's acceptance.
We students pass because the teachers accept our assignments and exam answers.

However it's not always that someone would accept you.
Those homeless people, what do you think happened to them for them to become like this?
Those starving kids in Africa.
Those jobless adults who has families to support that are all around the world.

I hate the world, I hate life, I hate living.

It's so pointless, yet to top it all off, it's hard, it's difficult, it's tiring, it's unpredictable, and never certain.
You're never guarantee happiness, an easy road or success.
Yet you're always guarantee pain, hardship or suffering.

Some people may try to argue by saying that the happiness you feel after overcoming hardship is definitely something to look forward to.
But what if you're not capable of doing so? Or are you also going to say that everyone is capable of doing so?
...Personally, I hate life and I hate living, but everyone has their choices.
As they say, your life belongs to you. You are your own master.
BUT... you can't completely control it because, I will repeat myself, you are not the only one in this world.

It's all quite simple, really. :3

Somehow, it Seems to be Right, Logically...

They say that you should talk to someone if you have Depression, right? :/

Today my friends and I talked about this, and for some reason...

Usually when I talk to just R-chan or E-kun about this, I become high and happy, or tired because I used up too much energy afterwards... but this time Em-chan joined in, and for some reason it caused me to enter a State of Depression afterwards.
I can literally seriously feel the despair creping into my consciousness and I was like, "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap"... :P

And I also feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world. :/
Maybe I didn't want anyone else to know subconsciously, but consciously I already told someone, and now I'm feeling the after-effect of my subconscious wish?
Because I feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world, and because now that I've told it, the world will come to an end. :x Or it could be someone else's secret, however you told someone else although you swore yourself to secrecy.
Something like that.

Now my desire to die just increased because if I die I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
Em-chan told me that I should really talk to someone about it - I have this vague feeling that it may have been the trigger to my earlier State of Depression...? =*= (Remember how I said that people suffering from Depression think differently, and that you can never really tell whether what you're doing is right or wrong? It's especially more so in my case, I think.)
Just the idea in itself made me depressed? Maybe I don't want other random people to know that I have Depression? Maybe I am ashamed of it?
Gah. My head feels messed up because I don't know why I feel like this, which is really unusual. I'm barely self-ignorant, and I'm quite proud of that fact. I hate being ignorant. :/
Then again, if I was ignorant I wouldn't have ever gotten Depression...
But am I really that sad that I have Depression...?
Not really...
I don't think... :/

Aaah... I really don't have a right to be depressed, and because I have acquired Depression, I have no right to really live... :/
Like, there are so many other people in this world struggling to stay alive, yet I'm, someone who'd perfectly well-off, wants to die? That's so self-centred and selfish! It's ridiculous! How selfish can I get!?
It's unbelievable. O.o

One my friend told me something about a debate about whether "Hospitals should kill people who wants to die", or something like that.
I think that it's a greaaaat idea. :D

Oh my god.
My desire to die right now is so friggin' strong. O.o
Because of that conversation with my friends earlier, I just realised that, no, I really don't want to talk about Depression, no, I don't want anyone to really know that I have Depression, and no, I don't want to cure myself of Depression.
And... HELL YESSSS!!! I WANT TO FRIGGIN' DIE!!!!

However... that was what I felt 4 minutes ago.
Now my mum is back from work.
I see her and my desire to commit suicide just melted. :/ (Temporary, probably)
Don't make any "aww" noises because it might bring me a desire to kill.
Although a desire to kill is less likely to happen than a desire to die for me, it's still not good for my mental health, which isn't exactly good from the start anyways...

The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide

This year...

Work Education.
There's this subject we're forced into doing at school that's called Work Education.

I've realised this a long time ago, but this subject was probably 60% of what caused me depression, or rather the thing that triggered it to happen. And it's also the thing that won't help me recover from depression even if I try (not that I'm trying at the moment). Maybe it's even increasing my depression level, who knows? :D

Everything about it, everything we learns...
Yeah, I'm sure of it. The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide.
We learn more on about how to "live" once we graduate. We learn budgeting, financial stress, work career path, etc.
Just what do you think those topics would do to a person suffering from Depression? =*=

And everything else; in English, we're studying this Australian classic film called "The Castle".
It's about... a family of Australians who lives next to the Melbourne Airport. Then comes along the Airport Commission and Government trying to kick them out of their house so that they could expand the airport. The family was offered compensation, of course. The damn family asked a friend of theirs, who is a solicitor, to bring the case to court. The Solicitor tried to reject the offer since it's not his area of expertise, but they sort-of forced him into it. They didn't win, but miraculously, the main character runs into this amazingly skilled and good retired lawyer who was willing to help them keep their house! 8D

Aaah! How ridiculously lucky they are! *irony*
The chance of meeting a good, nice, extremely skilled retired lawyer that would fight for you... for free, no less... is that even existent!?
THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS A LIE!!! Don't start giving young people thoughts like "Aaah! If you try your hardest, you'll just luckily come across a good Samaritan who's willing to help you with no return"! Such a lie that is!!
Makes me so irritated!
"Not everything can be overcome with just determination, hard work and a positive attitude."
It's the truth, and always will be. You're not the only person in this world. It's not only you that can influence the events that happens around you - other people does, too. Even if you do your best, other people may feel like making your life a living hell. And what happens when you can't do anything about it? You suffer.
Most people will only care for themselves - their may be the few who doesn't, but most will. So you can't, and never should, expect that you will receive help when you're in the deep end. It just doesn't happen like that.
No, it doesn't, unless you really do have one heck of a ridiculous luck and you meet one heck of a kind person.

To live in this world, firstly, you need money. Yes, that's very important.
But what if you can't find money?
Then, suffer. :/

That's all there is to it.
I've been thinking that all the people we see everyday - parents, teachers, people who works at shops... They are quite a lucky bunch. They have a job, and are successful in their life up to a certain level.
Otherwise, you suffer.

Work Education makes me enter so many State of Depression that I'm beginning to really want to wag it. And for me, that's saying something. I don't think I really care anymore if I fail that subject.
Although apparently it's really important that I pass so that I get extra points after graduation, or something like that.
I feel so contradicted. I really, really, really don't want to do Work Experience, yet I must for the very same reason that I don't want to...

The school is forcing me to do Work Education.
Work Education forces me to do classwork relating to that subject plus Work Experience.
That classwork and Work Experience makes me depressed.
The more I get depressed, the more I want to commit suicide.

So to be short, The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide.

The Despair of Life~~! :D

This post was written on the 24th of February, 2012.

Okay, this must really be the worst year in my life. So far, anyway.
Who knows, maybe my mum and my dad will die, leaving my brother to pay his own university fees, and then my auntie and uncle retires or dies, I lose my job then returns back to Thailand because my mum's dead with only approx. 3000 friggin' dollars, and then I'd have to pay for my own needs and school fees, and us two siblings who are nowhere near close would have to defend for ourselves and at the same time pay off the mortgage. That may be the worst year in my life. ><

The hopeless future aside, let's talk about the just as hopeless present.
How this year must be the worst year in my life, this week might also be the worst week of this year, so it could as well be the worst week in my life. (So far, that is. Like I said, the above could happen... in one week, too. ^^)

Aaah... It's hard putting my thoughts into words. =*=
Lately I've begun to despise English as well. And all other languages are slowly following...

This, I think, must be because of my case of depression and pessimism. My motivation and ability to do things are beginning to drift away...
And I literally, seriously went "Oh crap" after realising this.
I think I'm a bit strange, since I'm not self-ignorant. ...I don't think.
I mean, I know all of my traits, why I think things, I know that I shouldn't think like this but I still want to, etc.

Of course, I know that depression is not good for me, or more specifically, my mental health.
But too bad. Depression is actually a serious illness and it's quite difficult to get rid off.
Da truth, da truth.

I have never felt so much despair during an exam. EVER. I mean it.
This Science exam I had this morning... increased my depression by tenfold. I only managed to answer approximately 6 questions out of 12.
(Adding in: and I got a C+, mind you. ...did I mention that Australia's curriculum is really slack?)
It was the first time I'd ever cried for such a stupid reason.
It was the first time I'd ever felt such despair during a test.
My intention to commit suicide was close to becoming an action. :/
Although of course, I didn't commit suicide, otherwise I... probably won't be here still.

Not only that, it was my birthday. The fact alone that it was my birthday already put me in a bad mood, the Science test increased it by tenfold, then my friends decided to top it all off by cheering me happy birthday merrily and spreading word around about it.
At that moment in time I seriously thought that my life was living hell. Except that in the logical part of my mind I knew that it's not; my life is far greater than some. Although I should be happy that people are celebrating my birthday, generally speaking... However, I... absolutely despise that day, or rather, the event that occurred on that day, several years ago, so I wasn't really happy with people celebrating the anniversary of that cursed day...
My birthday is now my least favourite day ever. (It only became so this year, probably because of depression?)
I don't really want to say anymore here since my friend will definitely be reading. :/
Noo, I don't want to say how she unintentionally pushed me to be on the verge of committing suicide...
Oops, I just did. == Ahahahaha.  xD
Meh. It's too complicated for others to understand. People suffering from Depression tends to think... differently... (well, obviously...) So you really wouldn't know whether what you're doing is... good or bad.
I didn't want to say this because I have a feeling that their cheerfulness may be better for me in the long run... maybe. Although I do dislike it when I am "in the moment", but I don't really know what I'll think about it... maybe, several years into the future. Ruby Mae had once said to me, "I'm sure you'll be glad that we did this for you in the future."
Although I still don't like it and am not that glad and am still feeling irritated at it.
Or maybe I'll think about it the most in the moment before I step off a skyscraper or pull the trigger: "Aah... I wanted to tell them that they were the build up to my act of committing suicide... Ohh, especially my birthday in 2012... it was one hell of a persuasion. If they wanted me to commit suicide, they succeeded very well. Very well, indeed."

If you are the person who'd done the above, pretend you have never read this post.

Naaah....
Actually, I don't think I'll ever get to commit suicide. T^T
Aaah... but I want to so badly... TOT Someone give me some courage to do so. :)
Please? xD

Just Thinking About the Future Makes me Want to Commit Suicide

Today my friend told me that she now know what she wants to do for work experience.

=*=
Oh crap. Now that she's mentioned those two cursed words "work experience", I've entered a state of depression... and am in no mood to finish off my English assignment.
Which, ultimately, is due tomorrow. :/
Damnnnn itttt.

Work Experience is a part of our Work Education class. At our school, in Grade 10, you're forced into doing a subject called Work Education. To be short, you learn how to live... just stuff about resumes, job interviews, financial debt, credit cards, interests, etc...

With me being in Grade 10, I have to do it too.

Work Experience happens in the last week of school. You go and work somewhere to get the experience.

I mentioned once to my friend that I really hate Work Education.
They agreed and said that it was boring.
Then I continued and said that I really, really don't want to do Work Experience.
They disagreed and said that they wanted to do Work Experience and that they're looking forward to it. Apparently, it was the only thing they liked about Work Education, too.
With a start, I found out that other people are looking forward to it. :/ Yes, I kept that in mind from then on and didn't say anything else.
Because the very reason I hate Work Experience is the same as the reason for my Depression, and since I didn't really want to yell to the school that I have Depression, I made sure not to mention that too often and definitely not to teachers.
I didn't really mind the class stuff that my friends thought were boring, but Work Experience fills me with a sense of dread, hopelessness, despair and... depression? :/
I... really don't have the courage to do such things. Work Experience, I mean. I don't have the courage to do anything...
No. This is a little too complicated to explain. == Yes, too complicated, indeed. So I will not explain my reasoning and these senseless craps called feelings and emotions.

Just being reminded of the words "work experience" put me into another State of Depression. :/ But it was good too, since it helped brought me back into the real world.
Lately I've been busy doing schoolwork and am just reading manga and watching anime without thinking any depressive stuff... however that also means that I wasn't thinking at all. Not thinking about my own life and the future at all. And now I've been snapped back to reality, that one day I'll have to do Work Experience.
It feels very much like the time I lost my USB. :)
Yes, that's right. Feels exactly like that, except the situation is different.
The despair is the same. It's just that with the USB, I dreaded that I really will lose it for real, but with this, I can be sure that it really will happen. It's worse than the time I lost my USB, because it's definite. Yet for some reason I am hanging onto a pointless thread of hope that I won't have to do it. Would they let me off if I tell them that I have Depression? 8D ...But what if they say that "everything must do it"? Something like Depression won't give me a leeway in life, after all. Yeah, no chance.
I was so irritated and "other stuff" that I punched the ground. Although I guess I wasn't that irritated since I didn't do it to full force and I actually put my jacket down on the ground first so that it didn't hurt too much. =="
Next time I should do it seriously, with bleeding and all. It may bring me to my senses a little.
I should just get on with life and try to live for the future. :/
Although I really hate the future...

Aah... it's a bit hard to tell whether what I'm thinking is pessimism or depression. :/
Those are two totally different things after all.

Once my friend had said, "I really wish that one day something big would happen to you and then you become all happy and..." etc..........
Let me tell you that she knows that I have Depression.
However I don't think she really understands. I... don't think she understand at all, actually. :/ She may, but she just gives me the impression that she doesn't. So who knows?
The above is a mixture of pessimism and depression, with depression being around 85%. This post is 100% depression. Actually, now that I think more about it... the above might as well be 100% depression...
Pessimistic people wouldn't want to die. :/ They probably don't think that they're a failure and that the future is hopeless and that life isn't worth living either. Well, maybe they'd think the last one, but, the point is, pessimism is not depression.

Depression, dear readers, is an illness. A serious illness, at that. It's just a mental one.
After all, many die from it each year. :3
I hope one day I'll be one of those peopl...
Naah, I want to die, painlessly please, without committing suicide. But I don't think that will happen. We can't really choose our own death after all. Unless we commit suicide. xD
And one day I'll... probably be cured from that illness... although at the moment I can't really imagine myself not wanting to die because I really want to.
For example, it's like saying that someone who's obsessed with manga and anime will one day not like it anymore. Not that they'd "overcome their obsession", but to not like it anymore. Can you imagine that? :/

Now, let's pray that I either get shot in the head or gets involved in a terrorist attack by running full-blown into a bomb and dying straight away tomorrow. Or any other method of quick, painless death would be fine, too. :)
Thank you~

OT 76: Badass-ness and Total Epicity

Oresama Teacher Chapter 76 was released the day before. =^=

Ohhhhh, it was EPIC!

All of them teaming up to go rescue Kanon-chan! (Even though she's the enemy... ah, that's the Disciplinary Club for you...)

One very badass team that is made up of Mafuyu-Natsuo, Banchou, Hayasaka, Shinobu and Ayaben!!

Now we just need Takaomi, but if he appears... he'd probably just pawn everyone, so maybe that wouldn't work... :/ And he can barely get involved without getting in trouble, being a teacher and all.

The idiocy and stupidity mixes with baddassity, epicity, and coolness...

It's still in the "serious stage", so we'll probably get to see a very awesome chapter next release from Panda-sama. :3
Yes, full of epicity and all.
Just so you know, epicity is not a word. ><

After they rescue Kanon-chan and yet gains another not-quite-enemy, the Student Council will strike again!, and it's the same cycle all over again. :3 I don't dislike that though. x)

Although I would like to say that I want to see more Takaomi!!

Likes comedy? Enjoys action? Not too big on romance, but likes it too? Loves strong female leads?
Try reading Oresama Teacher!

Bakuman 173: The Way to the End

Just so you know, Bakuman Chapter 173 is not called The Way to the End.
If you read Bakuman, you'd realised that all of their chapter titles are "something and something", so it's a word, then the word "and", plus another word. x)

However, this chapter very definitely marked a big... event in Bakuman. Humongous, even. Yes, very, very much so.
All the tension that has been built up for the past couple of chapters, now resolved very nicely in this chapter...
Aah... Bakuman; a great series.

And it looks like it will be ending very soon... with the event that had happened in the last chapter and all.
(No spoilers! xD Go read it if you want to know.)
I feel like crying, after Mahou Sensei Negima!, here goes Bakuman... I can just tell that it will end soon, or at least not forever! (Well, of course it won't go on for forever, with the mangaka stating through their main character that "quality is over quantity", saying that they'd prefer to write a really good shorter manga than a bad series that goes on forever.)

Ahh... I hope you'll be... happy, the characters that had achieved something great from this event... :3
Yes, continue to do so.

And now Ashirogi Muto just needs to.................

Oh, no spoilers. =^=

If you haven't already tried it and dislike it, GO FREAKIN' READ IT NOW!!!

Dysthymia? Depression? Which one?

Was something that I'd been wondering for quite a while.
Except that my mood has been good lately because I've been occupied with exams and assignments, plus my duties as an Executive Committee member at school. :3
Didn't really allowed me to have any depressing time, but it definitely did not stopped me from wanting to die and thinking that I'm a total failure. ;)

Dysthymia is like Major Depressive Disorder, except with milder symptoms but they'd last for at least 2 years.
I've been wondering whether I have Dysthymia or Major Depressive Disorder for while, but then I read this,

"Dysthymic Disorder is a chronic condition characterized by depressive symptoms that occur for most of the day, more days than not, for at least 2 years. In children, the mood may be irritable rather than depressed, and the required minimum duration is only 1 year. During this 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents), any symptom-free interval can not last longer than 2 months. By definition, this diagnosis is not made if there are any Hypomanic, Manic or Mixed Episodes. This disorder's depressive symptoms are not due to a medical condition, medication, illegal drug, or Psychotic Disorder. In the first 2 years of this disorder, if the depressive symptoms intensify to meet the full criteria for a Major Depressive Episode; the diagnosis would be changed to Major Depressive Disorder. It is common for an individual to have 2 or more years of Dysthymic Disorder, then later develop a Major Depressive Episode. In such cases ("double depression"), both Major Depressive Disorder and Dysthymic Disorder are diagnosed. Once the Major Depressive Episode disappears, but the dysthymic symptoms persist, only Dysthymic Disorder is diagnosed." 

And I think that I got Dysthymia when I was in Grade 8, then in Grade 10, which is now, I've developed Major Depressive Disorder. :3

I was also thinking, maybe I should be proud of myself.
Suffering from Moderate Depression, yet I haven't done anything drastic yet. ^^ Or maybe it's that not many who are suffering from the "Moderate" level doesn't usually do drastic things? Maybe you'd have to be at least "Severe" first?
Although I was sure I was near that level on my birthday. It'd have been cool if I'd died on my birthday. 8D Oh well, there's always next year...
That aside, they say that most people with Dysthymia are usually suffering from other health problems such as substance abuse, drug addictions or anxiety.
And I have absolutely no intentions of getting the health problems below either,

"Comorbidity:
In adults, this disorder is associated with an increased risk of having Major Depressive Disorder and Substance-Related Disorders. In children, this disorder is associated with an increased risk of having Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Anxiety Disorders, Learning Disorders, and Mental Retardation."


Look, it has Mental Retardation listed. :/
I refused to get any of the above, except for maybe the Mental Retardation one? Naah, that'll just trouble my parents too much. I said that I didn't mind is because if I become retarded, I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore since I wouldn't understand anything anyways. Aaah... the life of not having to live.

...I sort of want to relief myself from Depression, but doesn't want to at the same time. :/
(Or rather, I don't want to feel anything at all. Killl mee noowww.)
I fear that I would see the world differently once I no longer have Depression. Yes, it's a scary thought. To see everything in a positive light, not caring, just trudging life anyway pointlessly without a care in the world... no insurance on oneself whatsoever because you just think that everything is oh-so-great and that life is oh-so-good....
But noooooooooooo, if you think that life really works like that, then I officially have the permission to call you a thoughtless idiot. Even optimistic bastard, at that.
I have nothing to complain about how I'm thinking, I just don't like the muddy, wet, cloudy, foggy, and... heavy feeling that comes with it, that's all. I don't like how I get tired easily, either. It gets in the way of working. And the lose of concentration and difficulties to make decisions. This is the worse one. T^T In the first place I absolutely despise the future, and there are thousands of choices I have to make, very much so concerning this "future"... which in turn, I am unable to make, or I am, but it leaves a weird, unfinished feeling behind...
Aah... I hate life so much...

Of course, you wouldn't understand, unless you've suffered from a form of depression or mental disorder yourself. ^^
No, you seriously wouldn't unless you've experienced it yourself, even if you 'think' you do. :/
It's sad, but true. == Well, actually, it's not sad, but nevertheless... It's a feeling you can only get if you experience it first-hand. :/

Oh, the despair...
It's pretty amazing, really.

References:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/ 

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_04.html 

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html 

Bleach Chapter 485

The big build-up to the arc had finally reached a very climatic peak!!

I'm so very excited! >O<
Those mysterious new villains appears, kills off a bunch of shinigamis by sneaking into Seireitei unnoticed using some mysterious power, then declare war against Soul Society...

Baddass godly. xD

And here are the returns of the Arrancars!
Everyone is now just patiently waiting for Grimmjow to make an appearance, since Tite Kubo had said that he would appear in this final arc of Bleach...
...that so far seems very, very exciting, by the way. :)

The Bleach forum had been on an excited buzz ever since the Fullbring arc ended, introducing a new arc, in which is ultimately the final arc of the series. Approximately 10 pages of extra supplement were also published just for the sake of this new arc, which probably hyped up a lot of people, including me. :)
It was very good seeing the Visoreds reinstated as Captains, as I'm sure I have stated before.

A bunch of new characters will appear, including the mysterious Squad Zero that everyone is curiously about, but I think most people will be really happy to see Grimmjow reappear after that cliffhanger in the Hueco Mundo arc. ;)

I liked the way Nel made an entrance this chapter, too. xD
"Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
De ja vu anyone? =^=

Now then, let's see what will be coming next week...

Skip Beat! Chapter 168

Finally, I got to read this chapter after putting it off for a bit.

That shower scene had me cracked-up laughing. >O<

But the first thing I'd like to voice is how much the art has improved. It's more clear and draw more... abstract now, which is something I like. ^^ The chibi-versions have always been my favourite part of the mangaka's art style, and there happened to be quite the amount in this chapter's, and the background was drawn quite well, too.

Maybe it's just me, but the scans this chapter seems to be better than usual, too. :)

After all, good chapter, a relax from the Cain Heel arc and going back to Kyouko acting...
Looking forward to the next chapter now.
I also need to re-read the Cain Heel arc over again, since it's hard for me to make sense of things when there's a big gap between chapters. ><

Yumekui Merry: Simply a Very Awesome Manga

Aaah... Chapter 44...

The Big Bad of the series finally gets revealed. >.>
Now what's going to happen!?
WHYYY!??
Like Kuroshitsuji and Pandora Hearts, Yumekui Merry is freakin' MONTHLY serialised!!! TOT

Kuroshitsuji's AWESOME New Arc

Waaah! Wah wah wah!! I loveS it! xDD

We get to see Ciel in a school uniform! xD Going to a boarding school for the high class!
Trying to investigate while pretending to be a normal kid!

I loveS it!!!!!!

Too bad it's not a co-ed school where Lizzy and come in. But meh.

I also like the Harry Potter-like setting, although it does feel a bit weird... it feels a bit unoriginal, you know? But it's still cool either way, I don't really care. :3

Nice appearance at the end there too, Sebbie.

New Design > "Warmth Momoiro" Theme

Was what I had in mind, but seeing that I have no artistic sense...

It just so happens that my least favourite colour of all time is pink, but I'm currently telling myself that this... is not pink. It's peach! ...if that's even a colour. Naaah...

Well, just making a post to commemorate the change, that's all. :3

Ja na.

I AM SOOOO PISSED... Well, okay, maybe not "REALLY"

I'm seriously pissed off at all of those complainers on MangaFox. =*=

"Aaah!!! WHY THE HECK IS THIS LICENSED!??"
"WHY IS IT LICENSED!? THIS IS MY ALL TIME FAV MANGA!"
"MangaFox, you suck!"
"WHY STILL UPDATE IT EVEN THOUGH IT'S LICENSED!? MangaFox, you trolling us!?"
"DAMMIT, THIS SUCKS! I'M NOT USING MANGAFOX ANYMORE!"
"WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD MANGA LICENSED!?"
Etc............

OH MY GOD, get over it people!! It's LICENSED! And it has been for how-many-effin'-years it's been alive!! It was licensed the first moment it was published!

Stop complaining about it! So what if it's licensed!? Are you trying to say that companies who are subjected to their copyrights aren't allowed to do this!? You spoiled bunch of idiots! Just go read it somewhere else; there's a bunch of other manga reading sites lying around on the internet!

It's not MangaFox's fault, damn you! If you want to complain, go do it to the freakin' companies!!

And it's the good mangas that are licensed because only the good ones gets translated into English, dear the brainless fool that commented that!

Personally, I think it's good that they're still updating the mangas on MangaFox - this way I know that there's a new chapter, and then I'll 1. Search for it on google and read it on another site, 2. Open up the current chapter forums on MangaFox to discuss/read the discussion.
It's good for certain people, and so just stop complaining about it!
Just ignore it, now that you know that it's licensed!! It won't kill you, dammit! And the scanlation groups are still scanlating, so it's not like your free scans are going to disappear! Can't you put in a little effort, or just it being free isn't enough!
You spoiled, selfish, unreasonable people!

You bunch of spoiled people who're living off of other people's efforts for free have no right to complain about this!


Your Sincerelyyy,
Mage-chan~

Don't Expect Much

I have so many things to rant on about, but I just can't be stuffed to put them into friggin' English sentences.

First of all, I want to mention the greatness that is Bakuman, and its new exciting developments.
Second, have a continuation of that complaint about a certain waitress since more annoying things occurred.
Third, depict more of my depressing thoughts.
Fourth, finish up all of those "drafts" and just publish them already.
Fifth, give Noblesse, Bakuman and Oresama Teacher an overview like I did for Pandora Hearts here.
Sixth, commit suicide... :D

I don't think I'll ever get to do six though... :/

Acquired Memento of How Terrible This Freakin' World is

So I ended up able to retrieve my USB back into my possession.

Except that it doesn't really feel like it's in my possession.

The real world is not so easy; what once lost cannot be regain. And No pain no gain.
I lost nothing to regained again what I'd lost.

Or maybe what I lost was a part of my... sanity?
Err, no. That's not it. Wrong choice of words.

I thought the despair I felt during that damn Science exam on my freakin' birthday was pretty bad, but losing my USB brought worse.
Aah... what a memorable feeling it was. :3
Greatly reminding me how the world is always unpredictable; one careless step and you may lose everything that is important to you. (although I made a backup, so that wasn't as terrible. Yes, it was only a simulation. The real thing will be worse. Much, much worse. Much, much, much worse.)

And I can blame no one but myself for this lost.
Like most times, there is no one but yourself to blame because it's usually you who have done the wrong. Unless it's someone elses.
I want to blame life, but there's no point in that because life has always been like it, and it will not change, but the people can. But the people won't change, so it won't change, either.

I haven't used my USB yet.
I feel that it would be too... I don't know, I just can't. I can't bring myself to use it.
Maybe I should just keep it as a memento of this event.
It'll remind me quite nicely how the world never goes the way you wish; it's unpredictable and you must be very careful or you end up half-dead.
Yeah... if I use it, I feel that this truth may be forgotten from my mind.

Yeah. I won't use it until....
Whenever.
Maybe once I finished that side story and pilot chapter for one of my stories and publish it on FPCom. And then I'll use it since I'd need to continue Chapter 32 of Four Leaf Clover.
Maybe never.

NONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!

Misleading post title, that.

Did you think I was screaming in... horror? Fear? Depression? Stress? etc?

Nooooo! It was from excitement!
I thought that it was about time I make at least one positive post.... I will try my best not to mention suicide, death, life, depression, etc in this post.
...Oops. I just did. :P My bad.

Anyways, there's a manga called Nononono.
The name sounded quite cute, so I checked it out.

Despite some of the vague comments from the forums that Nononono is DARK, I read it anyway. :P

AND DAMN, DID IT NOT GIVE ME A SHOCK.
It was already marked as "Mature", but I ignored it since some of the other mangas out there that were also marked "Mature" aren't actually that bad...
For example, Mahou Sensei Negima!. For a while there, I actually totally forgot that Mahout Sensei Negima! was an ecchi manga. == (That was the Magical World arc, where it was all action, action, action... No girls fighting, mind you.)
Oh wait... I can't say that for the second last chapter though. That was quite... the event. Ahahaha, well, I won't mention it, but, yeah...

ANYWAY, what happened in a certain chapter of Nononono... practically borderlined hentai. Good thing that was the only scene... (okay. A lie. There are actually two, err... maybe a couple more?) ...that was that bad. :/
Meh, it was actually alright for me (I think so... not really sure... actually, it may just be that I don't really care) to read, but the event itself may have been a little too strong... Well, yes, I know that it was marked as Mature and all, but that could actually be considered hentai!!!

Then again, the series as a whole is actually very good.
A strange love triangle... although the series isn't really "Romance"...

Anyway, I like it. :)
And I can't wait for the next chapter.

What first caught me was the catchy sounding name, as I'd said. I saw in it the New Releases Page of MangaFox.
Then I read the summary and found it interesting. And the art looked really nice.
So then I put it in my Waiting List.
And now I've read it.

First of all, the art is really quite cute. Strangely.
It looks awkward and weird sometimes, but Nono as a girl and when they were young were drawn really cute......

Even though there are currently 128 chapters translated, and I've read them all, it only feels like I've read around 50 chapters, and it's quite weird... Maybe it's just because one event is quite long?

The scans are very good, nice and clean, good grammar....

Really nothing for me to complain about, actually...
(Well, except for that scene, but most of my dislike may be because of personal opinions... but I heard it also got a bad reaction from the readers.... Personally, I think it was quite shocking to see it actually happening...)

Aah... I Want to Turn Back Time, I Want to Do it SOOOOO MUCH...

And make it so that I was never born into this friggin' world. x)

At first I was going to write "Ahh... I Want to Die, I Want to Die SOO MUCH", etc, but then I realised that it's not quite true.
I'm a Buddhist, so I believe in the afterlife and the next life.
...terrible. To die, but not to die. To be relieved of all the responsibilities in life yet there are more things to do.
Well, I might not think the same in my next life, who knows, I may be an optimist (aah... the horrors of having myself become one...), but I'll probably think the same in my afterlife.
Ghosts exist in Buddhism, and if I become a ghost... that'd just be painful. :/
I want to die, dammit! I want to be erased, I want to disappear!

I'm too tired to live!

If I'm doing to continue pointlessly "live on" even after dying, then what would be the point of me dying in the first place!?
Of course, unless Buddhism is not true... :/ But my subconscious tells me not, because I believe it in. T^T Then I guess people who knows me in life real and my stories readers should be glad, because that's one of the main reasons stopping me from committing suicide. (unless you want me to die; then be sad)
Buddhism, I mean. Killing oneself is a great sin, so if I kill myself then ended up in hell, then get tortured... what was the point of giving myself a pointless death?
Of course, that happening actually makes a lot of sense, because the world never works the way you want it to. And it's rarely ever on your side... unless you're one of the smart, lucky ones, I guess...
Aah... I want to insanely laugh at the place that the world is...

The world is also an ironic place.

Fear was one of the things gave me depression.
Fear is also one of the things that is stopping me from committing suicide.

I won't deny it; I'm a total coward.
I have always been, and still am, and may continue to be so in the future. (the future is unpredictable after all, but that's also one thing I hate about it. :/)
Cowardice turned into lack of self-esteem/confidence, and things rolls on...
...To what it is today.

I wonder why I only got to expand my line of understanding about this damn world and how things don't always go the way you want it to when I graduated from primary school. Maybe it was all the new things?
Ahh... it must've been A-chan. It is one of the possibilities. And it wasn't only her, you could say that it was almost everyone else in the grade, but more so my class or... maybe my group of friends.
When you meet someone who is better at you at everything, you can get three reactions;
1. Fired up and want to beat/overcome that person.
2. Depressed and wonders why you're so stupid.
3. Cheers on that person while continuing to do what you have always done.
So, 1 = Positively, 2 = Negatively, and 3 = Neutrally.
I ended up getting 2, obviously.
I was actually proud of how I was always the best at Maths, but I soon realised that it won't always be like that. There will always be people who are better than you.
That fact alone convinced me that I won't excel at anything, and that is probably true. (take note of the word "probably", please)
Because there are people who are better than me, and they will, because they are, better than me. (err.. a little confusing there, but nevermind. :P)

I soon realised that I'm surrounded by a bunch of geniuses.
(Even if some of them denies it.)

I'm an ultimately slow person, and that's not good. "Slow" is not a good trait to have in today's society.
WORSE, I have no motivation, has extreme laziness, etc.
Which really does make me a failure, because I simply don't try hard enough. :/
...Or maybe I do?
Maybe I already have, but that is the highest level I can achieve?

Anyway, I'm tired, so I will stop writing now and publish this damn post.
Which would already be published, seeing that you are reading it. >.>

The World is Practically Screaming at Me to Commit Suicide Already

First, I lost my USB.

Now one of my favourite series that I have following for quite a long time just ended. And it ended on something that seemed to be a "forced" and "rushed" ending. There were still so many things that Akamatsu-sama could've explored. And so I say goodbye to you, Mahou Sensei Negima!.
Aah... tears are coming out of my eyes. I should make a stand-alone post to commemorate this happening, and not in such a negative light as this post, but... :/
Mahou Sensei Negima!, serialised for 9 years, 38 Volumes, 355 chapters...
So then, all of us Negima! fans will never forget such a unique, badass, and awesome manga that you are.
I'm sure that the very warm and friendly Negima! forums at MangaFox will continue to be active even when the series has ended. It has already been a tradition to hold a Character Popularity Contest every year, and the Stumppers' Game can still continued on. And the Theories threads will continue to be chock-full of possibilities, especially so when it was an open-end.
Aah... the days that I've followed the weekly serialisation full of "breaks" of Akamatsu-sensei...
Once again, I bid you farewell, Mahou Sensei Negima!.

Now, my commemoration done and over with, although I'm still in a sad mood... T^T
It really was a good series, that Mahou Sensei Negima!. Although I am not a fan of yuri and ecchi, I ignored/endured/meh it and just continued reading, because the plot and characters were so damn interesting. The action was great too, and that's something coming from someone who does not like to read action. (I only like watching action. Because reading action is... too hard to follow. :P)
All that character development, and plot development, backstories... aah... T^T Crying all over again. I'll just say that there wasn't actually a character in this series that I truly dislike. There are characters that I am annoyed over, but that's because of the role they need to play. (although most of them are crazy-as...)
I also like how Mahou Sensei Negima! has almost everything. Mages, werewolves, psychopaths, demons, flying palaces, robots, genius inventors, hikkikomoris, net idols, swordswomen, talking perverted ermine, half-dog boy, etc..... The list goes on.
Although many think that the ending was a disappointment, everyone must agrees that the series as a whole is as good as they come.
So those who haven't tried it yet, do so.

Okaayyyy. Let's get on to what I mean by this post's title.
Firstly, my visa is coming to an end soon. Secondly, my USB gets lost. Thirdly, one of my favourite mangas ends.
The World is Practically Screaming at Me to Commit Suicide Already.

Relate back to this post of mine.

Heh. I wish I could just die without killing myself, just like that.
Except that it would be bad if someone that doesn't want to die get caught up in my wanting-die pleas, so I won't ask for the Mafia or the Yakuza... or for the world to be destroyed.

And so I'm left with only committing suicide. :/

Except that I don't really want to kill myself. Such a sin and how scary it would be. I just don't have the courage to step over the ledge, pull the trigger, jump onto the road, slam the pills down my throat, or push the knife inwards.

Aaah... what a shame.
And while someone like me who wants to die won't die, there are other people out there who are trying their best to keep alive yet it is not possible.

The world works like this.

The Day of Animated Mania!

Today was Animania Brisbane March 2012. Just saying.

I didn’t go, because of various reasons.

My other friends did, though. And one of them came to work approx. 45 minutes late then complained that she only had one hour sleep. Pisses me off. =*= (The other one took a day off.)

I told that certain waitress that it “was not my problem”.

It was hers’, and I could not care less. Her own damn fault for getting only an hour of sleep. I work 5 days a week, go to bed at midnight every day, go to school like everyone else, finishes all of my homework on time, plus self-study for Japanese, and practice violin (err… not so much of this, but it’s at least once a week…), yet I’ve always gotten lots of sleep.

I don’t friggin’ care what you’ve been doing, but work is one of the responsibilities that you now have, and you must be responsible to work properly.

Good thing she didn’t do many annoying things today. She didn’t do anything wrong, but she annoyed me by taking orders. I had to cringe again… haaaaah.

Okay, so first thing she said to me was “I only got one hour sleep”. The second thing she said to me was “you missed Animania!” in a whiny voice.

So I replied, “So…?”

I just don’t care anymore. It’d have been too tiring, and it wouldn’t have been good if I was late to work today, so now I’m glad I didn’t go. (I had to start at 5, too… This certain waitress arrived at 6.45pm, btw…)

Since the customers actually started piling in at around 5.30pm… == Yess, good thing I didn’t go, indeed.

I saved myself energy, money, and time.

And I really don’t care anymore, like I’d just said earlier.

I just want to die and get life over and done with.

It's a Good Feeling that Lasted for Approx. 3 Seconds

Today, most of us were quite shocked when a policeman, in full uniform, walked into the restaurant. He asked for the manager or something, and the boss went on to talk to him.

It turned out that…

Remember the people I talked about in this post? Well, if you don’t, you will once you read it.

He came to ask whether these people had come to paid or not after he gave them a call to come pay.

Well, I found out that they had.

And the policeman was nice enough to come and ask us whether they have done so yet, although he shocked one of our waitresses quite a bit by walking straight up to her. xD

The boss had went to the station and told them to call those people so that they’d come and pay, ahahaha. :D

She said that they were mad that she’d called the police, ahahaha. x)

Well, yeah...

I didn't have the energy to be too happy, and I still don't.

Lightspeed Bullet, Sharp Blade, Unstoppable Gravity or Accelerating Vehicle

I just lost my USB yesterday, one of my life-lines and one of the few things that were keeping me from committing suicide.

Now I’m considering whether I should shoot myself, stab myself, jump of a building or get hit by a car. Since the four mentioned are possible ways for me to commit suicide, except maybe the first one. (I’ll need to find a gun, first…)

The easiest one would be to stab myself, but I’m not sure whether I’ll die straight away, so it’s quite risky. Maybe I’ll die of blood loss… will that be painful? Hmm. The “stabbing” would very likely be painful, but is the process of dying there, blood draining away, actually painful?

…well, maybe stabbing myself isn’t such a good idea then.

Getting hit by a car doesn’t sound that promising either. I may get broken bones here and there… but not die. Unless I manage to find a delivery truck with a drunken driver. 8D But I can’t be bothered to go out and find it…

Plus, even worse, something drastic could happen… like, I could lose my eye sight, but not die. And now that I’ve lost my eye sight, so I’ll be watched over and won’t be able to commit suicide… the ultimate nightmare. Yes, ultimate nightmare indeed. My eyesight is very, very important to me, seeing that some of the things that are stopping me from committing suicide were my stories and manga, both of which definitely require eye sight. (But more so my stories. Manga… is just… there. It doesn’t hold that much meaning anymore, because no one would care if I don’t read manga no longer. There’s no point for me to continue reading.)

Yes, that might very well happen. It’s karma. I tried to commit a grave sin by killing myself and so the damn world would inflict upon me my ultimate nightmare.

So I guess the best and easiest way out would be to jump down from a building. 8D

Except where would that be? I’d need at least a three-story if I were to guarantee death... and our town being our town, there aren't that many tall buildings. 

And safety restrictions have roofs and balconies fenced off and stuff nowadays.

...How about I overdose myself? 8D

Ohh, great idea! There are random packs of medicine all over my house! 

Naah... sounds painful as well.

Well, that's just like life. I won't kill myself, although I really want to. But if someone comes kill me, I'll welcome him/her with open arms! 8D (as long as it's quick...)

But, seeing that this is life, I probably won't die any time soon. Someone else who doesn't want to die definitely will. :/

Go to Hell. Period. >.>

I wrote this post on Tuesday, btw.

To hell with waitresses and their excuses for not coming to work.

…And to hell with depression.

Firstly, let me calmly tell you how many waitresses came to work today.

Answer: ABSOLUTELY NONE.
Not counting the boss, I, and two of the chefs who knows how to wait, zero showed up, because of their own effing reasons.

Several… had valid excuses, I guess, but I’m still pissed off.

Our most veteran “waitress” (waitress only, not just anyone who can serve, in this case), couldn’t come because of road block. That was a pretty valid reason.
She couldn’t get here unless she flew or swim. But neither are valid options. So I can forgive her.

The second one, the youngest of a sibling pair that both work as waitresses at our restaurant, apparently had to do some effin’ homework. To hell with school on this one.
The oldest of that pair was known to have caught a cold or something of the kind. To hell with sickness.

The above were the only waitresses who were supposed to be working today, but couldn’t come because of their own effin’ reasons.

It was the other three waitresses’ (R-chan, A-chan and J-shi) day offs, although one of them asked for a “special” day-off just for this week. (If the other three were here, we wouldn’t have needed her any way… Except that they’re not.)

Good thing that it wasn’t exactly busy.

Although it kind of was with just the boss and I…

And I got tired after running around for just 2 and a half friggin’ hours.
This is where the “to hell with depression” line comes in. I used to be proud of my endurance and how I can work in such a… draining environment.
But I can’t anymore. It’s either because of depression or I’ve just degraded. I got tired after only 2 hours. Unbelievable! Ridiculous! Unacceptable! Absurd! Outrageous! Atrocious! Appalling!…etc.

There are more things I can complained about the symptoms depression brought me, but I will not, since… oh my god, my depression is also affecting my posts-making. xP

BAKUMAN!!!! ...Romance, Drama! Ah!

Anyone read Bakuman's new chapter yet!????

I read it several days ago and... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Azuki x Mashiro FOREVAAAA!!!

Oh my god!! I'm so loving Bakuman! >///<

Anyone who hasn't tried it, go try it now! This is another recommendation from... Watashi-sama!

Bakuman never ceases to entertain me! Well then, that's all! xD

Hair Cut = Big Fuss (Hey, it rhymes! 8D)

So I got a haircut.

…Half of my hair is gone.

…And I just know that people will make a big fuss about it on Monday at school. It’s a given. Since half of my hair is gone.

It’s actually 5 centimetres shorter than I’d wanted – and even my mum, the cutter, said that it was shorter than she’d expected it to be since I was sitting down on a chair at that moment in time and it was hard to tell.

I just know that I will not be in a good mood on Monday. I just… know.

People will be crying over my hair. But it’s my effin’ hair, and I don’t really care that much. If life wasn’t worth living, what’s the point of caring about some… strands of… carbon? (are they carbon? I don’t think so. But, meh…)
So if it’s my effin’ hair, why would other people be screaming over it?
Like hell I would know.
But they would do it.

If they don’t… then I’m mistaken and all is good. ^^

But I’ll probably still be in a bad mood. That, or I’ll be in a very good mood to stop myself from being in a bad mood.

Three Digits

This post would be my 100th post that is published on this blog.

...Just sayin'. :)

And it's only been... what, 5, 6 months?
Almost half a year.

Wait... that's not a lot, then. O.o

Meh,
That's all I wanted to say.

Bye then,
Mage-chan~

Once in a While We get Those Type of Customers

...the type that refuses to pay.

A table we call "V.I.P." for no obvious reason although it's just a normal table, decided to not give us any money yesterday and disappeared into thin air. :)

We lost $146.30 AUSD, but they told us their phone number when they booked - but it could be fake... it probably is... :3

Second time in my life of working here have I came across people who tries to run for it.

It's quite exciting, really...

This time, what happened was that they complained one of the dishes they got and said that it "wasn't very nice". And that they wanted a dish of this for takeaway for compensation or whatever, I don't know since I wasn't involved.
After a while, I gave the takeaway to my coworker and told her that it was for table VIP. She took it, then came back saying that they've all gone, no one left.

Disappeared into thin air, that.

Kill Me Now, and It's Not Because I'm Depressed

I swear, if that certain waitress at my restaurant acts like she has been for the last two weeks,

I WILL KILL...
...myself.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Why, is she trying to purposefully annoy me in everything she does!?

...or maybe it's just me, getting annoyed at everything she does?

Maybe it's just her face that annoys me!?
...but that doesn't make any sense....

Still, the HECK! She's been annoying me everything single effin' day that she's been at work!
Firstly, wearing such... inappropriate clothes for a waitress...

What is up with her sense of... decency? You'd never see someone wear SHORT SHORTS serving in a half-decent restaurant, would you?
Just "shorts" would've been... acceptable, but... SHORT SHORTS!??? What the heck was she thinking!?

...I had to cringe every time I looked at her that day... :/ Every.Single.Time.

And why is she being so utterly stupid those past few working days!? Can she not understand a simple order as "go clean 21"!?

And what is up with her... inability to partake in conversations!?
I ask her one thing, she tells me something else like she just ignored what I'd just asked her, she pipes out into other people's conversations randomly and said something that had nothing to do with the conversation or work... or just... just... UGGGHHH!!!!
I want to kill. ==

I was temporary given the task of paying the staffs while the boss was away - I was checking that the calculations of one of my coworkers, J-shi, was correct.
She worked from 5.30 to 9.15. She wrote down that it was 4 hours and 15 minutes. I told her that it was incorrect, and while we were debating about this, the-certain-waitress-that-had-been-annoying-me came up. J-shi then asked for her opinion. (I said that it was 3.75 hours anyways).
Then she said something that was inaudible to me.
J-shi and I were both "WHat?"
Then she said, "Nevermind, nevermind.", giving me the implications that she was treating like a bunch of idiots who couldn't do maths. Then she walked away, while we were still debating whether it was 4 hrs 15 mins or 3hours 45 mins.
The certain waitress walked back up because of whatever reason, and so we asked for her opinion again.
Then I said, "J-shi said that it was 4.15 hours... while I said that it was 3 hours and 45 mins - which is the same as 3.75 hours....!"
She: "That's exactly what I was talking about!"
Us: "...what?"
"Nevermind, nevermind. Don't worry about it," she said in the same tone that annoyed me then walked off.
J-shi: "...what is she on about?"
Me: *shrugs* =*=

Another time:
Me: "Hey, are there any more tables that needs taking order?" I asked her, since she was the first waitress I bumped into.
Her: "4" And she also showed 4 fingers.
Me: "4? Okay." I looked at table 4. I can't remember, but it was either that someone was already taking their order or that they were already eating, etc. But they definitely didn't need their orders taken. I turned back to her, "Any tables that needed ordering?"
Her: "4."
Me: =*= Quite loudly; "Table 4 needs ordering!?"
Her: "No, no, no! I need a table for 4, no booking."
Me: "..." GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Kill me now! I gave her an exasperated look, massaged my temples irritably and walked off, waving my hand off at her....

Another time, told to me by J-shi:
J-shi: "Hey, go table 21."
Her: "What? You want the bill?"
J-shi: "Clean 21."
Her: "21 wants the bill?"
J-shi: "GO CLEAN TABLE 21!"
Her: "...okay."
This isn't understandable because it's HER job to clean the tables, and it's MY job to do the bills, and J-shi was coming back from table 21 with plates in her arms... so there was absolutely no reason for J-shi to tell that-certain-waitress about a table wanting a bill; she'd tell me, and it would also be no reason for J-shi to tell that-certain-waitress to tell me either, since J-shi was walking towards my way.

Another time, although not really her fault and understandable;
Me: *hands her a $50 note* "Ice." < I was NOT in the mood to say more than one word to her at that moment in time...
Her: "Ice?"
Me: "Yes. Ice. 2 ice."
Her: "Like, two glasses of ice?"
Me: *a little impatiently* "Go buy two bags of ice from the convenience store."
Her: "Oh, okay. Which convenience store?"
Me: *explodes inside* "Don't worry. I'll go do it myself." I walked off, heading to the convenience store.
Her: "I'll come with you!" she says cheerfully.
Me: what the hell? Why are you coming with me just to waste your time? But I said nothing that let her follow me. As soon as we stepped out of the restaurant, I stopped walking. "You see that? That convenience store?"
Her: "Ohh!! Convenience store!" It was approx. 15 metres away from us, in plain view......
I was already getting intolerable with how she was (probably) unintentionally annoying me every friggin' time we talk.... =*=

Another time, and I was sure I was speaking in an appropriate volume;
Me: *sees people walking in with a wine bottle in their hands and sitting down on a certain table to join their friends who were already there* "'Her name' go ask if Table 11 wants an ice bucket."
Her: "...?" She looks at me.
Me: "Go ask if table 11 wants an ice bucket."
She looks to her right then to her right/my left. I thought she was looking whether table 11 had a wine/ice bucket or not, since the table was just behind her, a little to her right/my left. "...that's strange," she says.
Me: "...what's strange?"
Her: "The people on table 9... they just groped their friends... a little strange, don't you think...?" Note that table 9 was to her left, and my right. Completely opposite direction to table 11.
Me: "...okay...?"
Her: *grinning* "Don't worry about it, don't worry about it." Maybe it's because of my expression that she thought that I was confused?
Me: " 'Her name', go ask if table 11 want--." She walks off.
Me: "...OH MY GOD!"

~
There are some other things she does that not only does annoy me, but others.
Her knack to say things that causes people go respond with a "what are you on about?" is already annoying though.
She has quite the independence. She does things by herself. Which is usually a good trait.
But it definitely is not when she barges into other people's area of expertise and pretends that she being a part in it is totally normal.
My fellow co-worker: "She doesn't even know what she's doing..."
Me: "...she doesn't."
It would still annoy me when she receive customers and they happen to be waiting for takeaways, although it's unreasonable of me. But that was because I was already annoyed with her. ==
It would, however, annoy me, and it is not unreasonable of me, when she receives a customer, walks in, tells me + other people, the kitchen, etc., then does something like friggin' look through the takeaways, when she wouldn't even friggin' know what she was doing.
She would sometimes do that when I'm unavailable, like when I'm on the blasted phone. And then I would have to stop her from giving the customers a free meal.
...
Another thing she does as an example of her "going into other people's area of expertise and pretend like she knew what she was doing" was when she had written something that a table has ordered, and she doesn't put in it the corner - where they usually goes, but instead acts like she knows what to do and put in up on one of the clips holding the other orders (that I had sorted into).
The thing is, we have slots for orders for tables 1 to 18. But above that, they go in the clip.
She doesn't know this however, and she'd just innocently put an order for "16" or whatever onto the clip, which would annoy me. ...she could make us lose quite the amount of money if Table 16 paid before I saw it...
Once she did it when I standing right there and I caught her hand, "Don't do it."
Her: "...don't do it?"
Me: "Yes... Don't do it. Ever."
Ahh... but she did it again a while after that.

Her taking orders from tables also annoys me, because her handwriting makes me cringe.
And she makes mistakes now and then, but what annoys me most is when she does the mistakes that I have already told her off again - but that's just me being unreasonable, because I can't expect her to remember everything. But she was already annoying me so I couldn't help it, ahahahaha... xP

So many annoying things the newer waitresses could do to make me go insane...

Aaah...

I hate living...

Another Signature That Caught my Attention

This one is not a negative one. :)

It was so hilarious, I just had to share it.

It belongs to chiisana_sekai's siganture:

to achieve success, we must first set a goal.
to set a goal, we must have a dream.
to have a dream, we must have a nice sleep.
so... the conclusion is.. to achieve success, WE MUST SLEEP!!
yeaaaaaaaaaah!!! let's sleep!!!!!!

HILARIOUS, hilarious.... aaah...I love philosophy...