Anger, Happin----Mental, Yep. Gone Psycho.

Written Some Time Ago

I participated in a Maths competition earlier today. Usually, in each year, there are two different examination style competitions, the Wespec one and the University of New South Wales (also called ICAS) one. This morning I did the Wespec one. I already knew that it was going to end up badly, but I did it anyway.
However, the memory of receiving a Participation Award for this competition last year remained evident in my head. It flashed vigorously at me by the back of my mind all through the test, and continued to flash at me even right now.
Of course I shouldn't have spoken about it because there was no reason to, but since lately I've been acting normally with no wrong following consequences which would ultimately make me regret my actions, I decided to put off the Silence for a while. Of course, I know that an instance where I'd wished I was eternally quiet would come sooner or later. I was not wrong, like usual...
The Wespac competition is just... depressing and distressing. Too many hard questions that requires lot of brain power. I'm sure of 20% of the answers, "sort-of" on 50%, and the rest 30%, I guessed them all and had absolutely no idea what the heck the solution was.
"Effort is but the means to an end."
This is a line from Baka to Tesuto to Shoukanjuu. It was repeating itself in my head while I let go of a highly dissatisfied screech about how I'd gotten a Participation Award last year, which my friend had said was "good".
In the end, what's important are the results, after all. It's not like the people who're marking take it into account that I've tried.
The Participation Award that I got last year, I'd already forgotten about it mainly because a part of me didn't really believe in the results. Although this is the third time that I'd gotten a Participation Award in any maths competition, it had me blurred. The memory feels sort of dreamy, but I know for a fact that it's true, and it is believable, so why didn't I believe in it? :/
Maybe it was just surprising after getting a Distinction in the very same competition the year before, or because I got a Distinction in the ICAS competition last year as well, yet somehow I got a Participation here...
Then again, come to think about it, that was one of the worse maths test I've ever done, probably....

My friends said that the Participation award was "good", which had me... boiling.
Good my foot.
I was very, very, very pissed when she said that. Usually I would just be "pissed", but this was "very, very, very". That's pretty livid. Of course, I knew what she'd meant by saying that it was "good", but I hate that sort of outlook. It doesn't work in real life, does it? Would people all say that you did good, if you'd happen to be a military captain who'd misdirected in a battle and ended up killing thousands? I guess not...
They say it means that "I've tried, so that's good".
No, it doesn't. I could've just pick random answers without trying or a second thought and I'd still get a Participation Award (ahaha, or a Credit or higher if I'd happened to be picking the right ones).
It's disgusting. Thinking about the Award staring up at me makes me want to puke, to tear it to a thousand shreds... it makes me want to burn it to ashes, to stab it a thousand times... Having the Award in my possession is letting me know that I have failed. It's no different to a Certificate of Failure!!! "Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail; YOU'VE TRIED AND YOU'VE FAILED!!"
Every time I think about it I get reminded that I'm just that bad. ...But then again I guess it's good, for the very same reason.
...Lookies, I've failed at something! :DD
Who was it that said that I was intelligent!? Lies! Complete and utter lies!!
If I managed to get a Participation Award here when I'd tried, then where is this intelligence you speak of!? Nonsense! Rubbish!
I have evidence now! Hahahaha! The next person that says I'm smart, I have evidence to prove my point!
My other test results can't be used as evidence on your side because they're easy, and maybe I'd fluked! Maybe...

But that, is not the point!!
I'm stupid, and that's the truth! Why can't people accept the truth!? How can I be intelligent when I managed to get a Participation Award!?
Ha! That's because I'm not!!

Or maybe it might as well help all of you people who somehow think I'm so very intelligent that "I'm stupid because I think I'm so stupid when I'm so smart" to make you believe that I am stupid!?
But of course that's not true, because I'm not smart...

~~~

I totally went totally psycho. -_____________- I can even see the "mentality" from the writing alone...
I can just tell that I went "off". Into outer space. Into the World of Insane People. Into the Other Plane.
When I re-read over this post, I can feel my emotions from when I wrote it... gawd, I was very annoyed, I felt like laughing evilly to the world, then I just suddenly turned overjoyed. :/
I was high. Certainly. :)
Hahaha, it's pretty funny though, although my thoughts from then hasn't changed one bit. ^^
I read it over, and I feel the same over again!
It's quite intriguing really. I haven't actually felt this strong a sense of "laughing down at the world" before, until now... XD

Hm. Come to think about it, I've been doing nothing but psychotic rantings lately.
I feel worried.
Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist. Or whatever you call them. :)
But no. I don't even go see the doctors. (They are a huge pain.)
The time when I'm going to see a psychiatrist of my own free will will either be a long time in the future or neverrrr. The afterlife, maybe. >O<

From,
Mage-chan~ :)

It's a Curse. =*=

The moment I thought "I'm not going to forget this", I forget it.
I could blame someone on this happening, but I'm not going to. ...Trying not to.

Once again, my little USB goes missing. :/ =*=
Not so worried since I have a back-up copy from a few days back, on the weekend... (And the fact that there's a "This USB Belongs to...." document on it, as well...)
But still.
I lost/forgot the freakin' thing.

Yet again, UNBELIEVABLE.

I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it. I lost it.
Just how much more stupid, idiotic, foolish, careless, and irresponsible can I be?
Maybe next I'll forget to hand in my assignment. Haha. Oh noes, now that I've said that it could become an omen and maybe I really will. -____-
My English isn't the only thing that's degraded. Although of course I knew that from a long while ago. ^^
I will now start hypnotising myself. -_-
I have to be more quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet. More quiet.
Talking is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Do not ever mention anything about yourself again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again. Ever again.
Complaining is also always unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Everybody hates you--- well, okay, that may not be true.
The world will one day befall upon you your punishment. One day. One day. One day. One day. One day.
Being sick is an invalid excuse for everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything.
Do not assume that forgiveness is always given to you. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not. Do not.
Don't stray. No swaying. None. None. None. None.
Be realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic. Realistic.
Shouting is unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary. Unnecessary.
Fake smiles should be kept alive as long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible. As long as possible.
Don't give up even if you're on the verge of death because no one really cares, not because you might achieve something. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.
I could be dying right now. Right now. Right now. Right now. Right now.
You deserve to fail... no, really. But you already know that for certain and you haven't forgotten it once, so... wait. When did I start writing in 2nd person?? O.o
Meh. 2nd person sounds cool. Let's just leave it like that.

Adios~

From,
Mage-chan.

I Have Been Really Not-Creative Lately... Subjects and Results, Interpretations and Happiness, Future and Possibilities.

It really annoys me still. 

They say our school is a really really good school.

It is.

But it never fails to pisses me off in ways that are... not entirely 'wrong' or 'bad'.

The whole Year 10 had a draft for an assignment due last week. The English department made it such a big deal by putting it in the notices and reminding their students every time they see them.

I don't like this idea. Isn't it the responsibilities of the students to be able to hand in their assignments on time? Isn't it their responsibility to remember? 

[What I say when everything is too easy...]

I didn't comment on this issue, but the above was really bothering me, truthfully. If they don't hand it in, then just leave them be and let them fail. If they don't have the motivation, then that's their fault. In real life no one would come to remind you to do your work. They'd just fire you if you don't do it!!

We're already in Year 10, goddammit!! 

I guess all this ruckus would be acceptable if it was in primary school. But we're not in primary school. We're already 'senior high schoolers'...

~~

…a teacher came into our class today and talked to us about how we can pick from either English or English Communication for our Senior…

When the teacher said, “You should consider English Communication if you are struggling in Year 10 English,”, I thought that “I’m struggling”. However it was already set that I was going to do English, because I’m passing it and am planning on going to university. And people would object if I say that I’m struggling, I was sure...

But then tonight I realised that I’m not struggling in Year 10 English. I am, indeed, struggling to get a VHA in Year 10 English… which is sort of different. -__-

On the other hand, I’m also struggling to get a VHA in IT and Music. In Music, I’m probably more on “struggling to get a pass/SA” though… It. Is. Too. Damn. Hard.

So far I’ve gotten a B+ for my last Performance assessment. Next is a transcription task; that’s alright, although my understanding of it is extremely blurry.

The composition, the exam, the essay… I. Will. Fail. Trus--- no, I can’t tell you to trust my words. Because I might be wrong. I’m never right, after all.

~~

I also got my Maths C assignment back today. An A+… but not 100%. For a moment I freaked out, but then I realised that the points that made my marks not 100% was the Investigation task. So then I meh’ed, because I didn’t put my hopes into the Investigation task much.

My friend also got an A+, with a higher mark than me in Knowledge and Procedures; I got 18.5/20 and she got 19.5/20.

When I’d heard she say, “I’m happy with my mark”, I almost screeched out loud; “How!? How could you be happy with just that!? Ridiculous!”

But I was the ridiculous one, ahahaha. -_- I actually can’t believe my mind had that sort of reaction. She was 0.5 marks away from 100%... who wouldn’t be happy? Ha, me of course.

Now, apparently anything that’s not 100% is considered a “failure” to me, even if the overall mark is A or A+. And I have an ominous feeling that I won’t be happy with a 100% either… which pretty much means that I won’t be happy at all!? WTF!?

I’m starting to suspect that I’m a masochist or something! I want to see myself fail so badly… although I know why, of course. Since I’m so annoyed by the fact that everything is so easy, I want to do something hard. And to also prove my stupidity to the people who are in denial and keep saying that my intelligence exists, I want to fail on something, too…

Keh. Kukukukuhaha.

Ohhh, then again, who gives a crap about all that!? I gave up caring already! I'll just do what I want and need to do then get a well-pay job, work lots, go on a world tour, then die a painless death!

...like hell it'll go as planned, though. Life always has a way to make you suffeerrr.

Something will happen.

Something will.

I just know it.

It just depends on when.... 

They say life is short, but that only makes me more worried about everything. 

Time is precious. Time never stops. Time moves so fast. 

Something will change.

Nothing can stay the same forever.

Life is short, but there is so many things that I want to do... but will never be able to. 

There's always a contradiction in my thoughts. I am happy right now, everything is good. That's why I really don't like the thought of future either. Yet I feel that I could've been somewhere better for the sake of a better future, and so that makes me miserable and I feel like everything is doomed to fail one day.

Since it's good right now and has always been, I  feel that it definitely will be bad in the future. It can't always be great until I die. That just won't happen. I just know it.

Definitely.

I'm always dreading the day someone I know drops dead. Even if I lie to myself that it won't happen, but I know that it's a very likeable possibility. 

That may be a 'bad' time, but who knows... since I know that someone I know will drop dead during my lifetime, I don't like the thought of being really attached to anything. Because I know that I will lose someone and something one day...

But then again, I don't care any moooooore.

Too tiring to think about. I think too much, I feel like I should feel more. But feeling is also tiring.

So I just won't feel any more... was what I wanted to do. But that's impossible!!

Grr. Why is everything so bothersome!?

Someone said that "they don't care what they do/what they become as long as they have fun/enjoy life"... it pisses me off!

I could live like that. But if I only have fun, where the hell do I get my income from!? How would I live!? Is living in starvation fun!? There's such a big contradiction in that sentence!!!!

This is why living is such a bother!!

"Those subjects are an important.."

"What you choose will be important..."

Important, important! I hate the word important!! I hate anything that has meaning! 

...

Okay. Enough of that psychotic ranting.

I should be studying. ...Like always.

By,

Mage-chan.

Liebster Blog Award 2012

This is soooooo late, but I had to whack my brains hard for some of the things, so... ><

The Rules:
1. Each person must post 11 facts about him/herself
2. Answer 11 questions the tagger has given you and give 11 questions for the people you've tagged.
3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
4. Tell them you've tagged them.
5. Remember, no tag backs.

11 Facts About Myself:

1. I am a proud citizen of the Kingdom of Thailand. :D

2. I have no dreams, and I reckon I have no hopes either (arguably). (there's a manga/anime reference in there too, btw! XD)

3. My hobbies include writing, reading, and if you can call it a hobby; pointlessly worrying over things.

4. Interests include blogging, anime, manga, Japanese food, Japanese culture, philosophy, and possibly Maths.

5. I have 50% Chinese blood in me, although I almost always forget about it. But now that I have acknowledged it, I barely ever forget about it no longer.

6. I live in Australia.

7. If my memory serves me right, I've only failed a test once. In Grade 1 (Thailand), I failed the English test. 

8. I work in a Thai restaurant, and it is torturous, let me tell you.

9. Maths is my favourite subject. :D Mainly because it is all so easy, logical, reasonable, realistic, straightforward and usually obvious.

10. I am studying Japanese.

11. I play the violin, but I am terrible at it, and Music Theory threatens to mush my brain. ^^

11 Questions From glsmile:

1. Why do you blog?

Because I feel the need to 'let go', and I want to complain to the world about my petty, stupid problems and thoughts process. And to post my comments to other fellow anime/manga fans about certain animes/mangas. 

It's a good way of relieving stress, also because I don't like showing strong emotions outwardly (more so in the real world). And also because blogging is cool.

2. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Do NOT skip this question or answer "I don't know". Everyone should have SOME sort of idea on what they want to do. Don't think about paychecks.)

I don't know, mainly because I see no future. I see myself to be nothing, therefore I see nothing. 

I used to want to be an architect, then a mangaka (which is arguably impossible), then novel/manga translator... However, when I think about future jobs, I cannot not think about paychecks.
(Oh, and now it appears I may end up being a business executive, lol)

[My honest, simpler thoughts: I want to be a corpse!!]

3. Why do you want to be a(n) *insert profession here*?

Because being a a novel/manga translator would be awesome because I get to read good books/mangas and use my language skills at the same time!!

[Because being a corpse is painless, burdenless, worryless, and peaceful.]

4. Do you have something that you're truly dedicated to? What/why/why not?

Not really... but I do work for my mum's sake; she works every day, from day to night when she's already past 55 and it scares me to know that she could drop dead at any moment! And my dad, too. He's even older than my mum, and works hard...

5. What three things can you NOT live without?

My laptop, internet, electricity.
...pencils, books, paper...
Kindle, manga, word...

6. If there was one personality trait you would want to learn, what would it be? (EX: More kind, more forgiving, more happy, etc...)

This one is hard to name... I would wish to be more... forgiving. Less dissent. More open-minded. They're all different words, but they're saying pretty much the same thing... I guess...

7. If time stopped, how would you take advantage of the situation? (Don't be boring.)

I would finish and do all my homework in advance, walk into random shops and grabs money out of them (a few notes from each shop, so then they won't be troubled too much XP), steal a gun from a policeman and keep it for future uses, study ahead in everything, read/copy out/memorise the encyclopaedia, memorise the atlas, clean every corner of the house, go for a stroll in Buckingham Palace or any other holy, sacred, expensive, exclusive place, manually destroy something solid and tough yet breakable by human force, like a wooden chair (that belongs to some random, not me) (because I've always wanted to destroy something from frustration and anger, but have always held back; I want to really do it for real one day), exercise, master Japanese, master Chinese, master Italian, master French, master Spanish, master Latin, master German, master any language that I feel like mastering, write a proper novel, climb a building and yell from the rooftop, get decent at drawing, read all the books that I have been procrastinating on, practise/hone/improve my violin skills + maths skills + communicating skills + writing skills + IT skills + physical strength + endurance + stamina + agility, and possibly more... :D

8. What do you not like about someone else writing? (EX: Big words, love triangles, etc...) 

Too much description and words that I do not understand. I dislike love triangles too. Annoying complications, emotional issues that drag on for too long...

9. Favorite song right now and WHY?

Chasin' the World by May'n, OP to Accel World. Because it is catchy! And the main character and I are alike in many perspectives, so I really like this anime. :3

10. Who inspires you the most and why? 

No one inspires me. Unless you don't mind me taking that question in a negative way; who inspires me into writing all those negative posts everyday? Mostly myself, but there are others, too. Although I'd rather not say. XP

11. Do you have any advice to share with the people out there?

If you can, live life to the fullest. Be carefree, if possible. 

11 Tagged Peoples:
1. Little Thoughts and Dreams (I won't bother telling you since I know you're reading)
2. Thoughts of Interest
3. Well, Laugh!
4. Optimistic Positivity!
...(Dear Grace, I'm very tempted to put Elsewhere Everyday here!! xP)

11 Questions for Tagged Peoples:
1. What do you want to be in the future, and why? (why is optional) Likewise, please do not skip the question. You may put several [or many] professions down if you're unable to choose, or just the general direction you may be heading in.
2. Where in the world do you want to go to the most and why? (why is optional) 
3. What is your favourite [school] subject, and why?
4. I'll reuse glsmile's question, if that is okay with her: If time stopped, how would you take advantage of the situation?
5. What are your favourite things to do, and why? (just in general)
6. What type and genre of books/text do you prefer? ("type" may include fanfictions, novels, light novels, fairy tales etc., and genres is just "romance", "comedy", "mystery", etc.)
7. What do you strive for in life? (e.g. happiness, success, love, money, freedom, honesty etc.) You may answer differently to the example if you wish.
8. If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be? (Hard question, I know. If you can't manage, I'll allow you to do one sentence.)
9. I'm seriously running out of ideas... umm... do you believe in the afterlife/nextlife/reincarnation? If so, which kind/one?
10. ...what is your preferred writing utensil? (mine is mechanical pencil btw XD)
11. If you could become fluent/learn any language in this world, it would be? (If you're already learning one, then say that you are learning one. If you want to learn another one, then say that you are learning one and want to learn xxxx)

Subjects; Senior, in 2012

In Australia, it's the time in where Year 10 students start picking their subjects for their "Senior" years; a.k.a. Year 11 and 12.

They say it's the most important years in our schooling, and I have no objections.
All the process and focus they're putting on it make it all very serious and important, too.

My brain is going to burst.

I'm short on subject lines.
AGAIN.

This happens EVERY-FREAKIN-YEARRR!!! EVERY FREAKIN SEMESTER!!!!

Anyone who reads this who isn't a Queenslander; my apologies, but I will cease unnecessary explanations because I simply CAN-NOT-BE-BOTHERED.

There are 4 lines for electives. The subjects I wanted to do are:
Mathematics C
Economics
Business Communications and Technologies
Accounting
IPT (Information Processing and Technology) [IT - programming, algorithms,computer systems etc.]
ITS (Information Technology Systems) [IT - graphic/web design, network systems, administration, etc.]

As [hopefully] you can already tell, I need to kick two subjects out.
I've already decided to not do Accounting since my mum says that I should do Business rather than Accounting because I would benefit more (more pay) from being a business executive than an accountant... =.=
But there's still one more that I need to kick out.

On subject selections' day, I kicked Business out.
But afterwards I talked with my mum and she says it'd be better to do Business instead of Economics because it could cover Economics a little as well. I'd agreed.
But.
If I rank the subjects in order of "likeability", it would go like this:
Mathematics C
Economics
IPT 
Business Communications and Technologies
ITS

But if I rank the subjects in an order that considers opportunities, career paths, future jobs, etc. it would go like this:
Business Communications and Technologies
Economics
ITS
IPT
Mathematics C
(not so sure about this list, by the way...)

I just realised 2 seconds ago: I could actually weigh out the total "should do" points of the 5 subjects using Matrices!! XD
Okay, here I go. XDD
I give each of the positions on each list a point each of 1 to 5. (i.e. 1st place = 5 points, last place = 1 point)
Then I add each of the points from each Ranking together;
Mathematics C = 5 + 1
Economics = 4 + 4
IPT = 3 + 1
Business Communications and Technologies = 2 + 5
ITS = 1 + 2

So then;
Economics: 8
Business Comm. and Tech.: 7
Mathematics C: 6
IPT: 5
ITS: 4

ITS will be kicked out... possibly... maybe...
I'm really not sure about whether the rankings on the two lists are correct or not anymore. -__-

As I was killing myself over this, my friend came up and said "Do what you want to do, not what you need to do!" ...which resulted in me actually letting go of a shrill scream and throwing the book that was in my hand onto the ground.
I do not consider doing subjects that I do not want to do. Therefore all the subjects I'm considering are all subjects that I want to do. Also, the subject that I want to do the most happens to be the one that I don't need to do the most, if I intend to go down the business path...
But of course, I wouldn't consider doing business if I didn't want to do it! But Maths means so much, it's so awesome, and I don't want to drop it at all!
Economics is so awesome, and Business is alright; don't know...
I don't know whether I like IPT or ITS or not either, even though I've been doing it every year since Year 9...


Grr. All this make me want to use the Anger Room. Real badly. (Official website)
It's been on my bucket list for a long time. It's so ingenious in so many ways! One day I've GOT TO use their services!!!!   DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!
Oh my, thinking about this is making me excited.............................. Let's go to America now.