Mini-Post: "21 Days Positive Challenge"... And Me Laughing.

Note: Most probably, only people in-the-know will understand this post.

Both the people trying to do this challenge, if it can even be called a challenge, has failed. ^^
Those things are supposed to be done consistently, otherwise they don't work and doesn't serve its purpose. And I haven't seen a post about this for a while already... and it certainly hasn't been 21 days yet! ^O^

Lalalalalala~

The Different Ways to Die

Ya-hoh!

This post. Read it first before reading the rest of this post, if you're going to read it at all.

I would like to point out that with No. 3... are you actually even dead? O.o I mean, you jump off the cursed cliff, but... you were saved. How is that dying!??

Talking about different ways to die... I refer to you this post of mine. :D
I was certainly not in the greatest mood when I was writing that. x) But then again, when I read it over it amused me somewhat. :)

But well you know, talking about this and thinking back on that conversation mentioned in Ruby Mae's post, I think that I should stop relaying my death wishes so openly, because my friends aren't taking it seriously enough - death is too serious to be joked about... =.= I feel bad to people who are dying - and doesn't want to die, or ones that have already died otherwise... It's rather disrespectful and insensitive, no?
Not that I would stop wishing that inside, of course. :D Noooo wayyyyy.

My friend really wants me to comment on that post or to blog about it myself, so here this is.
Actually, the first thing I want to comment on after reading that post is the title. It keeps bothering me. Because songs that features something/someone else doesn't only come from America. =*=
Second, we don't talk about death and dying that much.
Third, I have another post about that ludicrous Romeo and Juliet coming up soon, most hopefully.
Fourth, I don't mind shooting myself, but setting that up would be a big pain in the butt.
Fifth, I don't effing want grandchildren or great grandchildren or whatever the hell.
Sixth, I have no intentions of jumping off a cliff, mostly because it looks painful.
And... that's actually all I want to say. :)

Irritation is a Frequent Visitor to My Head, But I Told Them to Go Elsewhere Instead :)

Anyhow, I’m still blogging, as you can see. ^^

Also, whee!! The post title rhymes!! 8D

I’m happy at myself today; I think I acted pretty normal… I think. At least I highly hope so.

There was also another reason that made me happy at myself (there were a few instances where I definitely was not happy at myself though).

First let me relay to you what happened.

My friend’s household conditions has a risk of falling apart (even disappearing completely as a whole) in the future, and the problem and solution is money, plus people’s evilness.

She once stated that she was going to save up money to help with the cursed problem.

So I said, a few eeks later, “You said that you wanted to save up money right?”

“Yeah…?”

“However, if you continue working like this, you’ll never get a pay rise! You’ll need to know what you’re doing wrong! The other waitresses needs to know, too…”

“…I don’t really mind…”

“…”

“…”

I turned to her sharply.

She flashed me a sheepish-looking smile.

I mentally facepalmed myself.

The first second I was pissed at her, but my logical mind caught up to me quite quickly, to my content. :)

Rather than getting angry at someone like her who never fails to irritate me (along with many others – everybody in the whole world never fail to irritate me every now and then) my feelings changed.

I felt more like shooting myself in the head for my stupidity.

This only farther supported my thoughts.

That feelings and emotions are only a pain.

Yep, I’m still repeating myself.

I’m so boring. ==

I was happy that instead of feeling irritated about that certain friend, I blamed myself instead.

Yay~! Yay yay~!

Everything is my fault anyways, so it’s more reasonable of me to be irritated at myself. After all, it’s my fault; since I started the conversation. I brought it onto myself.

My friend, after the Something You Feel When You Want Things to Just End Already post, wanted to say something in response to it seeing that more than half of the post happens to be about her. She replied – ui dunno what reaction or response from me she was aiming for, but she responded with all those irrelevant points.

I was like, WTF? Why are you pointing out all these things? They ain’t the problem – not the ones that needs fixin’ anyways. Sure, I mentioned them, but solving them won’t change too much.

But I’ve already fizzled my irritation from that conversation by redirecting the unreasonable emotion to myself, so now it’s reasonable.

After all it’s my fault for blogging about it, resulting in her talking to me about it.

Besides, it’s almost impossible for me to not be irritated at almost everything that anybody says. =.=”

But then again it’s my fault for being so narrow-minded (and to be suffering from Depression), causing me to get irritated so easily and so often. :/

How Innocent Some People Can Be

I have a friend, whose innocence is quite high despite being one year older than me. :)
Her innocence usually ends in me and a few other friends cracking up laughing, because of her ignorance.

During music camp, we had been sitting next to our usual friends during breakfast...
N-sempai is a grade 11 student who plays percussion.
I was sitting next to N-sempai, who was sitting next to E-kun, one of my other friends (who is obsessed with Vocaloid) who plays the Alto Saxophone and Baritone Saxophone.
Apparently E-kun had said that he would never talk to N-sempai again (something happened between them, dunno what), but he was still talking to her.
She said, 'E-kun has this weird going on and off thing.' As in, sometimes he would talk to her, sometimes he wouldn't.
T-kun, our other friend, 'You see, you turn him off and you also turn him on.'
There was a short silence before people started cracking up laughing, me included.
My innocent friend, 'What? What did he just say?'
We repeated to her and she made this utterly confused expression. :3

There are many other instances, but I don't particularly enjoy talking about this sort of subject, so let's end that today... :3

Easily-Irritated Persons Such As Me Gets Irritated Easily. Also, Words Can Kill. And Debates Can Cause Depression. And Depression Can Kill. So then, Any Talking; Can Results in KILLED. By the Way, Do Try to Avoid Using the Cursed Word(s) Unless You Want to KILL. ^^

Okay, that's like, one of the longest post title ever....... but meh. I like my titles to sound catchy. xD 

Can't have it not. ...does it sound catchy? :)

One of my friends just came back from her 4-days vacation to Sydney.

She bought… stuff.

She said that they were for my birthday presents that she’d failed to give in February, which happens to be the month that I was born in. I told her that she did not have to do such things. Not in that kind, considerate, pleased way, no.

I was feeling irritated.

Or was I also secretly happy?

Or was I both irritated and happy?

So was I irritated or happy?

Anyway, outwardly and on top, and consciously, I was irritated. That she bought me a birthday present.

I know I should be happy, social-interactions-wise… But I couldn’t fake happiness. I never fake happiness. Faking happiness isn’t something I like doing, and it is something I can never be stuffed to do. And it’s no difference this time.

As soon as my friend had mentioned the word “birthday”, my State of Depression just immediately decided to come back from its vacation. Well, it’s not like I could stay cheery-happy for that long, technically speaking, anyway.

Because, why the heck must people keep celebrating that cursed day? The cursed day… =*=

The damn cursed day…

Psh, with the mention of that cursed day, I was put into an irritated mood for the rest of the night.

Not to mention that I came across this customer that irritated me. It wasn’t something worth being irritated and annoyed over, really. It was just a simple mistake or idiocy or retardation by the customer. However, I was annoyed.

It was a simple through-the-phone take-away order.

She ordered a certain food and then said “MILD”. It was said in a tone of voice that made me want to destroy the freakin’ phone. Did she think I was illiterate or something? Do I sound like a 5-year-old? You think I can’t understand you?

Although it’s probably because I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said, was why she’d said it to me like that. However the reason I’d asked her to repeat what she’d said was her freakin’ fault. There was this sudden background noise that came out of nowhere then disappeared quickly.

Plus, the fact that that certain dish WAS ALREADY MILD also annoyed me. =*=

She ordered a few more dishes, then she repeated the whole order again. For my sake, of course, but this also annoyed me because I was about to repeat the order back to her when she beat me to it. However it’d have annoyed me more if she’d asked me to “repeat the order back to her”, when I’m about to do just that. I’m an easily-irritated person. As expected of someone suffering from Depression, though. No surprise, really.

She went a little rushed, and so I asked, “Sorry, can you please start from the start again?”

She made this little annoyed “huffed” noise. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed, however, because so am I. There’d be no end to this. :/

“..blah blah blah. And I want it MILD.”

Me: =*= It’s already mild, you dumbass! And it’s written down on the freakin’ menu!!! “Sorry? MILD?” I asked this just to make sure, and I was annoyed, too, ahahahaha. Although that was as far a revenge I could get because, customer is god. J

 Customer: “Yes. MILD. I want it in mild temperature.”

This sentence was what ticked me off completely. What did you just say? Are you twisted in the head? Did I just hear the word ‘temperature’ come out of this receiver? I was a bit taken aback and so I went uncertainly, “MILD… temperature?”

Customer: “Yes, MILD. You know how you have it in mild-medium-hot? I want it I mild temperature.”

She successfully made it sound like I was the idiot with half-deaf ears.

I was pissed.

However I did successfully ended the conversation without any yelling.

Good thing it was on the phone. Only some saw my irritated face. :3

Back to my friend who bought me birthday presents, which was a month and a half late, but that wasn’t the problem…

I was irritated that she bought me birthday presents, and I kept telling her that she shouldn’t have done it. In monotone.

…In my heart I knew I should at least smile when she gave it to me. But it was too hard to fake happiness, like I said…

“I got you the first volume of The Prince of Tennis and a Vampire Knight Art Book!” she says.

Me: =*=… “J…Oh, that’d have been good… except that I already have the first volume of The Princes of Tennis at home, in Thai…”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: Why am I acting so mean? …Aargh. It was the cursed word. The “‘birthday’ present”… The cursed word, indeed.

Friend: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Me: “Of course you didn’t.”

No, I wasn’t happy at all. Really. I don’t think. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not.

Like hell I know, and like hell I care.

…Did she misunderstand my tastes? Yes, totally. I don’t understand art. And it’s not like I like Vampire Knight that much, either. I dropped it edges ago, really. Didn’t she know that? Err… apparently not. But who cares.

She said that “I didn’t know what to get you. And the stuff that I wanted to get you, you already have, so I got you those.”

Yes, but I already have one of them. And why are you buying me birthday presents? Trying to make me commit suicide, now are you? “Easiest way out. Don’t buy me anything.” < I said that sentence like, 5-6 times to her earlier today .

Fortunately, being the optimistic person she is, she was still smiling like always. Phew.

Plus, I’ve been trying to not buy any material things lately, with the chance of me going back to Thailand by the end of the year extremely high and all.

Yesterday my mum just said “This IELTS test is impossible for me to pass” to me, so might as well deem it certain…?

Oh, but my mind haven’t really accepted the truth yet. It’s like how I’ve been avoiding thinking about Work Experience (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, check some of my earlier posts… umm, the one that says “The School is Trying to Make me Commit Suicide”…)… It will need to happen, yet I’m not doing anything about it…

Geezes.

I hate life. =*=

Someone kill me nowwwww.

Some people will probably be really offended if they heard me say that. :/ You know, those people that are fighting to live, respectively. They’re fighting to live, and here I am asking to die.

While my life is perfectly likeable. In many people’s eyes.

I like my life. I do. I just don’t like life as a whole. I think it’s a bunch of senseless, pointless crap.

I don’t even have any right to be suffering from Depression. =*=

Geezes. This is another reason why I hate life so muchhhh….

Okay. I really, really, really want to die right now.

LOL, my State of Depression is full back and rolling. :P I don’t even care about leaving people behind at this moment in time (I’m sure I will sometime after this though, but not at the moment. I know myself).

Blame the word “birthday”. And then that “Work Experience” I’d just mentioned. They’re quite convenient triggers for my State of Depressions.

Other convenient triggers includes “future”, “university”, “senior”, etc, anything about the future, really.

A while ago someone had asked me whether I’m going to do the “Headstart Program” or not. (It’s this program at a certain university where you can study a course there while you’re still in Grade 11 or 12.)

I went quiet for a moment. I might not even be in Australia by then. Plus, even if I stay using a Student Visa, I’m not sure whether I’m eligible or not… “…Err, yeah, I want to, but I’m still not sure yet…” Was the reply I gave.

Daammmmmmmmmnnn.

Am I trying to make myself depressed?

Talking about these stuff sends me into despair. :/

So why am I talking about them? =*= Well, it’ll take a while for me to get out of a State once I’m in one. Maybe you should expect a few more Depression-filled posts the next following days? :/

Or maybe I’ll force myself out of it for the time being. I have lots of things to do after all.

Can’t waste time moping around thinking about committing suicide, now can we?

I seem to have a twisted mind. A word that normally gives people joy like “birthday” makes me want to commit suicide.

…Is what I think I should say.

HOWEVER, like hell my mind is twisted. I just think differently from people…. (is that valid? O.o). I’m just a coward that has really, really, really, low self-confidence. That’s right. It’s the start of it all.

Once another friend of mine has asked me, “Why do you have low self-esteem?” when I’d told her that I have low self-esteem.

I tried not to make a disgusted face at one of the stupidest question I’ve ever heard in my entire life. It’s like asking someone who’d optimistic why they’re so optimistic. Or asking someone who’s nice why they’re nice, etc.

Like hell I could give you a proper answer. It’s in ma personality!! But I attempted an answer anyway. “Well… that’s because I lack self-confidence, which is practically the same as low self-esteem anyway…” Pauses. “Do you even know what self-esteem is?”

She shrugs uncertainly.

Me: =*= Damn. …I was pissed. :P

She tried to talk me into getting out of Depression, I think, or whatever it was she was trying to do. When I mentioned that I’m a total failure, she said that “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.

Me: “Why not?”

She: “…Well, you just shouldn’t consider yourself a failure for every little mistake you do. Everybody makes mistakes.” I’ve heard that phrase so many times, I could strangle you for saying it alone. Can’t you be more creative?

Me: “…I know that. I know that everybody makes mistakes.” Yeah, even elementary schoolers know that.

She: “So you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

Me: “If I don’t be hard on myself now, I really will end up being a failure once I move back to Thailand.”

She makes this sort of impatient sound. “…Now, if you think you’re a failure, then what are we?”

Me: That makes you guys total failures. But I can’t really say that, even if I think that. Plus, she’s measuring my “failure” level with only academic level. However that really doesn’t have anything to do with it. There are lots of people in this world that ends up successful without even finishing primary school. Your argument is invalid. =*= I can’t survive in life when I’m scared of just doing Work Experience. So freakin’ scared that I’m Depressed! How’s that!?? However I painfully lost that argument because I couldn’t say that I thought that they were failures. And it was simply too bothersome to explain the whole concept that came afterwards (Typing this up was also a pain, mind you). She wasn’t the type that could understand big stuff like that anyways, although it is quite simple…

I was still pissed as we continued the conversation. Don’t know if she noticed though.

Our opinions on this certain topic never mixed well. Everything she says to me, I have an argument to back it up. However I FAILED in debating and I can never come up with a proper one on the spot. :/ It sucks.

However our debates never really ended with a clear winner…

Talking about debates, that reminds me of something I want to rant about.

The friend that came back from Sydney that I mentioned earlier? She’s also the same “certain waitress” that I’ve complained about in a couple of my posts back in March.

There was this one time that I had a non-serious debate with one of my co-workers about how a sign should be put up; whether the sticky-tape should be on the inside, outside, etc.

There were several interruptions since we were in the middle of work.

My co-worker was the one who put up the sign, I got the last word in, and she put the sign up my way. Then the certain waitress passed by and asked, “Who who won that argument?”

“Hm?” I wondered. “No one…” Which was sort of true. Since I didn’t feel like I won anything, but my co-worker didn’t win anything either. It wasn’t serious anyway.

“Of course, of course,” she said, grinning at me knowingly. She gave me the look that one would give you a person who’d lost yet isn’t admitting it…

My anger metre went up sky-high. =*=

This actually happened in December last year, mind you… And yes, I still remembered it, since it pissed me off quite a bit.

Yes, I was pissed.

…How many times have I used the word “pissed” in this post?

…Oh well, my friend(s) never ceases to piss me off. x) Partly because Depression makes me easily-irritated, and partly because I have a bad personality… (unless I’ve had Depression since I was in elementary school, then it’s definitely related to my personality. I’ve always gotten irritated, annoyed and angry at pointless stuff since I was a kid. I’ve gotten better since entering middle school, but then Depression kicked in. So then, oh, back to easily-irritated with everything pointless! 8D).

…Even their face(s) pisses me off sometimes. Never mind how, ‘cause I don’t really care, ahahaha. xD

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~

MY Bad. I Don't Actually Want to Die...

I JUST WANT ALL OF THIS TO END ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think talking about this really isn't that good after all... :/
Another conversation with my friend concerning the topic of my life just occurred and my desire to end life just increased. ==

When I said that I just want all of this to end...
I don't really want to die, I just don't want to live. I don't want to feel, I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything.
...Did I mention that Depression is a serious mental illness?
Is this above thinking because of my Depression? :/
Hmm... can't tell... although I did say that pessimism and depression are two different things...

I've been wondering, you see, one of my friends, Em-chan, said that she once helped one of her friends overcome Depression when they were in Grade 8.
I don't know how the friend got Depression, but I don't really think mine is that easy to cure because the cause...

The cause of my Depression is quite vague, but I guess I'd just pin it down by saying that the reason for it was life itself. How ever I cannot escape that... of course, unless I commit suicide. :P

Do you understand my words, or rather, my senseless rants, more now? Or maybe you understood from the start?

I hate it so much, that I want to run away.
Of course I could instead choose to fight against it, but I'd still be in it, wouldn't I? I can't escape life, unless I choose death. :3
Or a coma. xP
On the brink between life and death, however I won't be involved in either. Paradise. xD
However then my parents will have to pay for the hospital fees...
No matter what I do, I'll trouble them, eh? Well, not "trouble", but they'll end up needing to do something for me no matter what I do. Or even if I don't do anything at all.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST END ALREADY!!!
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO END!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
INCLUDING LIFE!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

If not, deprive me of Depression then make me win a lottery that'll make me a billionaire!!
Maybe then I'd want to live. :3

However the chance of me winning lotteries and becoming a billionaire is quite non-existent.

I'm a Realist. My Friend is a Dreamer (?). Our Opinions do Not Mix Well.

"If you think about something/believe in something hard enough, it will come true one day."


...LIKE HELL IT WILLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes me so irritated just thinking about this uber outlandish belief!
....LIKE HELL IT'S TRUE!
...Like hell you'll become a millionaire one day by believing so! Then go and loan a million dollars because you know that you'll have enough money to pay the bank back one day anyway!
...Like hell you'll become a freakin' mermaid the next morning if you wish hard enough! Then go and jump into the water and try staying underneath for half an hour!
...Like hell you'll be able to fly once if you convince yourself you could! Then go jump off a cliff and try!!!

What really matters are your actions!! Nothing will come out of just believing and thinking!
However, not just your actions matter either!
Like I have state in one of my other posts before, you are not the only one in this world, and not only you can influence the events that happens around you. Even if you try your hardest, you may still fail if there is no opportunity for you to win. There may be people who try to stop you - there may be people who won't accept you, and you can't do anything if no one accepts.
Because you cannot really achieve anything alone.
For example, businesses needs customers. If you don't have any customers, you fail. If customers don't accept your business, you go bankrupt. You go bankrupt, you don't have any money. You don't have any money, you starve. You suffer, you die in vain, you fail.
You live off other people's acceptance.
We students pass because the teachers accept our assignments and exam answers.

However it's not always that someone would accept you.
Those homeless people, what do you think happened to them for them to become like this?
Those starving kids in Africa.
Those jobless adults who has families to support that are all around the world.

I hate the world, I hate life, I hate living.

It's so pointless, yet to top it all off, it's hard, it's difficult, it's tiring, it's unpredictable, and never certain.
You're never guarantee happiness, an easy road or success.
Yet you're always guarantee pain, hardship or suffering.

Some people may try to argue by saying that the happiness you feel after overcoming hardship is definitely something to look forward to.
But what if you're not capable of doing so? Or are you also going to say that everyone is capable of doing so?
...Personally, I hate life and I hate living, but everyone has their choices.
As they say, your life belongs to you. You are your own master.
BUT... you can't completely control it because, I will repeat myself, you are not the only one in this world.

It's all quite simple, really. :3

Somehow, it Seems to be Right, Logically...

They say that you should talk to someone if you have Depression, right? :/

Today my friends and I talked about this, and for some reason...

Usually when I talk to just R-chan or E-kun about this, I become high and happy, or tired because I used up too much energy afterwards... but this time Em-chan joined in, and for some reason it caused me to enter a State of Depression afterwards.
I can literally seriously feel the despair creping into my consciousness and I was like, "Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap"... :P

And I also feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world. :/
Maybe I didn't want anyone else to know subconsciously, but consciously I already told someone, and now I'm feeling the after-effect of my subconscious wish?
Because I feel like I just told a secret that could destroy the world, and because now that I've told it, the world will come to an end. :x Or it could be someone else's secret, however you told someone else although you swore yourself to secrecy.
Something like that.

Now my desire to die just increased because if I die I wouldn't have to worry about this anymore.
Em-chan told me that I should really talk to someone about it - I have this vague feeling that it may have been the trigger to my earlier State of Depression...? =*= (Remember how I said that people suffering from Depression think differently, and that you can never really tell whether what you're doing is right or wrong? It's especially more so in my case, I think.)
Just the idea in itself made me depressed? Maybe I don't want other random people to know that I have Depression? Maybe I am ashamed of it?
Gah. My head feels messed up because I don't know why I feel like this, which is really unusual. I'm barely self-ignorant, and I'm quite proud of that fact. I hate being ignorant. :/
Then again, if I was ignorant I wouldn't have ever gotten Depression...
But am I really that sad that I have Depression...?
Not really...
I don't think... :/

Aaah... I really don't have a right to be depressed, and because I have acquired Depression, I have no right to really live... :/
Like, there are so many other people in this world struggling to stay alive, yet I'm, someone who'd perfectly well-off, wants to die? That's so self-centred and selfish! It's ridiculous! How selfish can I get!?
It's unbelievable. O.o

One my friend told me something about a debate about whether "Hospitals should kill people who wants to die", or something like that.
I think that it's a greaaaat idea. :D

Oh my god.
My desire to die right now is so friggin' strong. O.o
Because of that conversation with my friends earlier, I just realised that, no, I really don't want to talk about Depression, no, I don't want anyone to really know that I have Depression, and no, I don't want to cure myself of Depression.
And... HELL YESSSS!!! I WANT TO FRIGGIN' DIE!!!!

However... that was what I felt 4 minutes ago.
Now my mum is back from work.
I see her and my desire to commit suicide just melted. :/ (Temporary, probably)
Don't make any "aww" noises because it might bring me a desire to kill.
Although a desire to kill is less likely to happen than a desire to die for me, it's still not good for my mental health, which isn't exactly good from the start anyways...