Shutted (but Opened Now)

I haven't posted anything for a while, because I decided that I really needed to freakin' shut up.

I've written heaps of stuff - just elsewhere.

There are bits and pieces of blog posts and complaints everywhere - on my phone, on my Blogger account (I ended up with 22 drafts without knowing it! :O), on my PC as Word docs, on my Galaxy Tab and even my ultra-shiny Galaxy Note 10.1. And soon probably on my soon-acquired new phone - Galaxy Ace II...

Okay, so I know I'd decided that I needed to stop talking a long time ago.
But well, I failed... you know. Talking more than 20 sentences per day felt like a crime. (still does. good thing.)
The event that convinced me once again to shut myself up was the boss having come back from her one-week holiday - a short but blissful period of time for most staffs, including me.
Argument was futile.
I knew that, yet I attempted to argue anyway - of course, that ended with failure, as my opinion was rejected. Like always.
Pisses me off daily, but there's nothing I can do about it but endure. I seem to have forgotten already that this was to be expected - I really can't relax and let myself be happy for even a second, otherwise I forget those important points.
Just when I decided to actually try to work for customers' sake, I could only do it for one week - it's just time to change modes, I guess. Back to the cashier who doesn't care what happens to the customers cause it's not my job. But it was for a while; the head waitress and the boss both were away at the same time, so I temporarily took the role of Acting Manager (who doesn't really manage anything).
Everything was well.
But then the boss came back, and the head waitress hasn't yet.
Because of the boss, our staff number decreased under what people would call good.
Because of the boss, the rate of customers having booked and not getting a table/their preferred table increased from almost none and sky-rocketed.
Because there was a lack of staffs, I had to still look after outside, but the boss keeps getting in my way and the mistakes she makes, we have to solve.
Although of course that's normal already...
Why did I forget about it just after a week?
Hahaha.

I hate myself more for not being able to deal with it peacefully than the boss for being like that.

I shouldn't complain; I shouldn't warn her that what she's doing isn't recommended; I need to shut up.

So I did.
And I hope I will continue to.

My self-hate only increases, it doesn't go back down, like time.
It appears I've slacked off again.
Even though I've been trying to tell myself that I can't slack off even if it's the holidays - once I start, I don't trust myself enough to come back. ...okay, I don't trust myself for almost everything, FYI.
I can't believe it-----!!! Grrr, only, what, 3 days left until my Physics assignment is due and I'm stuck!! It's giving me the biggest headache...
And I'm so pissed off at my stupid teacher! (what is this? are all my science teachers from now on fated to be annoying!?) That person said that he was going to go through the assignment on the lesson of the term - a day which many students misses just because they don't want to come school. Of course I went. But I had a violin lesson, and when I went to the classroom they weren't there - they moved to a computer lab. And the stupid teacher didn't leave a note on the door! I asked around and was going to go on an expedition around the school to search for my class, but with failure.
Pisses me off thinking about it, so I'm not going to think about it, but I need to think about it to do it, so I need to think about it. =*=

My English assignment is also slightly worrying...

I also started D.Gray man (manga & anime 1st season). It. is. awesome.
But the art style in the newer chapters are weird - at least Kanda hasn't changed too much though. But what is up with Allen's hairstyle recently!?
And oh my god, last chapter - Timmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that's it.

~Mage-chan.

Procrastination Totally Kills

I’ve been procrastinating so much lately, and just when I have 4 assignments piled on top of each other. O.o [I’m also feeling really lazy…]

But, well, it’s not like I’ll miss the deadline or fail, because most of those assignments aren’t too hard. Besides I won’t allow myself to fail… I think. I hope.

I don’t know!; lately, my mind isn’t feeling the critical-ness. It just doesn’t panic anymore. Like, before, if I’d procrastinate, and the assignment happened to be due the next day, I’d panic a little and then get down to doing it straight away; which I’d finish and hand it in by the deadline, of course.

But now I’d just go, “Okay. It’s due tomorrow.” Then, nothing…

Hmm… it feels like I have no motivation? Yeahh…

I hate it when I’m so un-discipline. =*= And I happen to be extremely un-discipline. Another reason why I hate myself to the bone. :/

Since only I can choose what I want to do… my mum never says anything about my school work, anyway. We only see each other before I go to school, then after school, if I don’t go to work, I’d see her again at 10-11pm. I go to sleep, then see her again before I go to school. [If you’re wondering where my dad is, he’s in Thailand.]

And it’s just the way we deal with things in the family; my mum never says anything about exams or assignments… unless she was complaining about ‘just how terrible my mathematics is’. >< (Sometimes I’m forced into situations in where I have to solve math sums in front of her [something that I try to avoid], and every time I’d hear a complaint from her about how my mathematics seriously need improvement…)

And I don’t talk to her about those sort of stuff either, because it’s hard to translate everything that I’ve learnt in English into Thai, and usually she doesn’t understand much, because Australia schools are just different.

So I also ended up picking my subjects for next semester by myself. [I just realised that just now! …I didn’t even mention a single word to her! O.o]

So since it’s just me, with no one to nag me to go do schoolwork, no one to nag me to stop playing games or such, I have to be able to work without outside force! I need to be strong-willed and stoooppp procrastinating! Yes, that’s right! Procrastination only leads to failure! Failure! Failure! Failure! I know that I’m already a failure, but at least try to not be a failure, or attempt to stop yourself from being more of a failure!!

I know I’m stupid, a slow reader, actually easily distracted, lazy, and anything else bad, but at least try!! [Don’t forget about the pair-assignment. You don’t want to drag A-chan down with you!]

Yosh. Writing that gave me some motivation. :D

..Hn, even though I’d been planning on dropping blogging totally because it’s something I can use as a procrastinating tool [which I do a lot], but it also helps because other procrastinating tools like MMORPGs and reading are just more wasteful and time-consuming! …oh, and blogging also allows me to speak… without speaking. >.>

…The only and biggest problem about blogging is that my friends follow my blog. :/

So I can’t fully complain, or risk being an immense pain. And I feel uncomfortable because they’d have some sort of reaction, and I usually complain about real life events, which half the time… is about them (some I want them to know, some I don’t. ...I find it quite amusing that when a certain friend of mine suddenly started following my blog, she reads a lot of the posts, but not the ones I really want her to read [she read the ones that I didn’t really want her to read, too, tho :/]… since it concerns something that she does that annoys me immensely).

Even if they don’t say anything out loud, they know it in their minds [But then again, they might forget straight afterwards. I have a few of that type of friends. ^^ That’d be good].

That’s bothersome; to know that they know.

Procrastination isn’t really the problem, though, actually.

I just need the motivation to do the assignments and the motivation to study. 

All I really want to do nowadays is just lie there thinking, or to sleep, or, my most wanted one, to just die. :/

But since I can’t do that and I just want to feel like I’m actually doing something, I do something, just not something I’m supposed to be doing… and once again there’s no one but myself to tell me to stop. ==” 

I know in a part of my mind that I should be doing schoolwork, that I should be focused. But another part is telling me that I it’s already too late, and I should just give up now. [Wait a moment, isn't the above still procrastination?? O.o] 

I’ll just simply continue to be a failure… 

[What the hell is it with me and failure? I’ve heard myself complain about failure almost a thousand times already!! =*= (Gaargh, so pissed at myself!!)]

Failure is what scares me the most, yet it is also something that I’m always expecting… which means that I’m really the type that think that the worse will happen?

Truly a pessimist. :P

School Life; Assessments After Assessments

I finally finished my second last exam for this term.

I now just have 4 assignments and one exam left until school holidays come round again. ...which would then come more exams and assignments, and the cycle continues.

The exam I'd done earlier today was my [2nd] Japanese Speaking Exam, something that has been freaking me out for quite a while.
I did it, and when sensei said "arigatou", I was so shocked I turned speechless. "...Is that it!?"
"Yes, that was it."
"..." I blinked. "I... I see..."
It was insanely easy, and she asked me those questions, what is your name, how old are you, what grade are you in, what are your hobbies, what do you do on Sundays, what did you do today...
Most of which I have already known for a while, and what I was worried over didn't appear much (て form, time), and the exam itself didn't last long, unlike my Year 9 one.

And even though sensei had straight away told me that I got an A, I was still worried over my results. Which didn't make that much sense. Maybe it was because my Reading Exam still needs marking. But then again, the Reading Exam was easy as well...
Usually when I finish an exam, I'd feel relieved that I'd finally finished it, with few difficulties. Or if it was lots of difficulties, I wouldn't worry about it too much since there wasn't anything I could do to change my results no longer.
But somehow, today, the feeling lingered. The worry didn't lift off. I can still feel it now.
Maybe it's because the draft for my English assignment is due this Friday and I haven't even started yet. I have to write a prologue or epilogue for To Kill A Mockingbird. But I have no idea what to write about. However it's only 400-800 words, so I'll be able to finish it in one day.
Or it could be the Maths exam. But then that's also strange. Never in my life have I ever felt this worried over a Maths exam. Simply because Maths is easy, and I've always been confident enough that I was sure I'd get at least a B...
Or maybe with the Science, SOSE and Italian assignments?
Science is a presentation, pairing up with a classmate to present to the class about climate change, or other such related topics.
SOSE is another presentation, about diseases.
And Italian is a brochure about the region in which we are in - I have to advertise it. Something I find myself stuck on... I don't go out, I don't know any restaurants, I feel extremely forced having to praise Australia so much...

But now that I've finished the exam that had been worrying me the most, I can change my focus into the other assignments and in catching up, since I'm still like, 10 weeks behind everyone else in the Year 10 class... =="

Oh, but wait! There's also somewhat good news! I may be able to take Economics next semester! :D My other friend and I were just saying how we'd wished that we get to do Economics in Year 10 Sem 2, but it wasn't in the list, so we thought our hopes were lost...
But when we went onto the computers for [fake, preparatory, just to see] Subjects Selection, Economics was one of the subjects we could do! ><
...but then again, if not enough people pick the subject, there won't be a class.... I don't think there will be that many people, personally. I mean, not many actually knows what Economics is, do they?? (I have had a couple of people asking what it is once I'd mentioned it before, you see.)

So, yeah, that can, once again, lead to total disappointment. Yes, so logically speaking, it wouldn't come true anyway. I should actually forget about that chance, now...

Also, today, I'd went to school with "be silent" in mind.
I was pretty silent, most of the time. ...And when I actually spoke to my friend in full sentences, I regretted them. ...so next time, tomorrow maybe, I should stick to the rules. :D

Whats isdiss??

This morning, at approximately 11.30am, I awoke from my deep slumber to the very *cough cough irony cough cough* soothing sounding music of my ringtone, Triple Baka by Hatsune Miku. (+ some intense, amazingly loud vibration on Andriod-chan's part XP)

Firstly let me tell you that I usually wake up at around 12pm on weekends. :D

It was my friend wanting some help on an assignment that was due tomorrow.
Usually I would be pissed if I was awoken from such a peaceful sleep, but since it was 11.30am and not 9am like past experiences, and since I just wasn't in the mood to be annoyed, I meh-ed it. :P
Besides, if she hadn't woken me up, since I was in such a deep sleep, I might have slept until, what, 2pm? =="

Still, it was wonders that I didn't get annoyed.

And now I'm really happy because I've finally finished the above-mentioned assignment... but then that means another one will come straight afterwards!! DX

Oh, I want to disappear off the face of the earth [in other words, a more complete version of dying]... :P

I Have Said This Before And I Will Say it Again: "Procrastination is An Enemy to All of Mankind"

I didn't say it on ma' blog, but I have said it... twice. On Facebook.
It was only a single sentence so it wasn't worth posting. Oh, maybe I should add that to the list of quotes I like on the right hand side of the page there. :)

My Holiday Tasks that I posted in... another post earlier... I've been procrastinating all of them except for No. 11. :P I did a little of No. 5 and No. 8, but that's little. I attempted to to No. 10 but that requires time and effort, of which I do not feel like giving. ...not really. :/

My Holiday Tasks:

1. Redo Italian script for assignment, due next term 
2. Make the Italian powerpoint for the assignment plus practice speaking (the script in #1)
3. Read To Kill A Mockingbird (for next term's English's Novel Study)
4. Look at Obentou Unit 8 (Japanese, starting that next term)
5. Forward with the Sharemarket Game (for information about the Sharemarket Game, read this)
6. Help Kaa-chan (I mean my mother) with IELTS tests (she needs to pass this to get another visa)
7. Go on Brisbane Trip with tomodachi and do Purikura (we planned on this last term, hopefully we'll get to carry it out...)
8. Progress with Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33 (my original story on Fictionpress.com)
9. Re-learn juggling (I've got my hands on really good juggling balls so I was planning on finally mastering the skill)
10. Attempt to master orchestra songs, remember the scales learnt in lessons; PRACTICE.
11. Catch up in Natsume Yuujinchou anime. Start Gintama and Full-Metal Alchemist.

And just now I finished No. 1... :D Yes, good, good.

I shall now do No. 2. But since I am writing this then that means that I am not doing it. I am actually procrastinating it by blogging!!!

I am also planning to do some of No. 3, then do No. 10...

AFTER THAT IT'S COFFEEEEEE.

Then I'm going to do No. 5. And once I've grown tired of doing No. 5, I'm going to do No. 8 as it is something I enjoy doing and won't get bored easily. :3

And I'm going to do No. 8 until it's time for work. After work I'll continue doing No. 5, then back to No. 8.

Finish the day of by leisure reading before I go to bed.

Perfect~!

No. 4, No. 6, No. 9 and most importantly No. 11 - that I happen to be doing the most - can wait until later.

I'll probably do No. 4 tomorrow, and No. 9 whenever. No. 6... I don't think I'll ever get to do that, and I'm trying to put off No. 11 as far away as possible, but failing. ==

No. 7... I actually don't really care what happens... :/ The decision's not really up to me anyway.

...now let's see if I really will do what I have planned....

Most People Would Think I'm Weird. However I Just Lead a Different Lifestyle.

I'm beginning to dislike holidays.
Actually, I may already dislike them. Maybe not "holidays" as in day-offs, but definitely "school holidays".

There are several things that I have to do during the next two weeks before Term 2 starts.

My Holiday Tasks:

1. Redo Italian script for assignment, due next term
2. Make the Italian powerpoint for the assignment plus practice speaking (the script in #1)
3. Read To Kill A Mockingbird (for next term's English's Novel Study)
4. Look at Obentou Unit 8 (Japanese, starting that next term)
5. Forward with the Sharemarket Game (for information about the Sharemarket Game, read this)
6. Help Kaa-chan (I mean my mother) with IELTS tests (she needs to pass this to get another visa)
7. Go on Brisbane Trip with tomodachi and do Purikura (we planned on this last term, hopefully we'll get to carry it out...)
8. Progress with Four Leaf Clover Chapter 33 (my original story on Fictionpress.com)
9. Re-learn juggling (I've got my hands on really good juggling balls so I was planning on finally mastering the skill)
10. Attempt to master orchestra songs, remember the scales learnt in lessons; PRACTICE.
11. Catch up in Natsume Yuujinchou anime. Start Gintama and Full-Metal Alchemist.

Daammmmmn. =*=

And it's the holidays so now I have to work every freakin' day.

All the teachers and every other people think the same things. They think we have oh-so-much free time during the holidays so they give you work to do, thinking that we'd have lots of time to do them. =*=

I barely have time to read any manga. Well, that is, if I really follow on my plan without procrastinating, which is quite impossible...

So I'm still reading manga. But knowing that I have lots of other stuff to do makes me irritated as hell.

Although my mood right now is quite good, with the news about going to Sydney and all... :3

So then, so long,

From,

Mage-chan~ ^^

Just Thinking About the Future Makes me Want to Commit Suicide

Today my friend told me that she now know what she wants to do for work experience.

=*=
Oh crap. Now that she's mentioned those two cursed words "work experience", I've entered a state of depression... and am in no mood to finish off my English assignment.
Which, ultimately, is due tomorrow. :/
Damnnnn itttt.

Work Experience is a part of our Work Education class. At our school, in Grade 10, you're forced into doing a subject called Work Education. To be short, you learn how to live... just stuff about resumes, job interviews, financial debt, credit cards, interests, etc...

With me being in Grade 10, I have to do it too.

Work Experience happens in the last week of school. You go and work somewhere to get the experience.

I mentioned once to my friend that I really hate Work Education.
They agreed and said that it was boring.
Then I continued and said that I really, really don't want to do Work Experience.
They disagreed and said that they wanted to do Work Experience and that they're looking forward to it. Apparently, it was the only thing they liked about Work Education, too.
With a start, I found out that other people are looking forward to it. :/ Yes, I kept that in mind from then on and didn't say anything else.
Because the very reason I hate Work Experience is the same as the reason for my Depression, and since I didn't really want to yell to the school that I have Depression, I made sure not to mention that too often and definitely not to teachers.
I didn't really mind the class stuff that my friends thought were boring, but Work Experience fills me with a sense of dread, hopelessness, despair and... depression? :/
I... really don't have the courage to do such things. Work Experience, I mean. I don't have the courage to do anything...
No. This is a little too complicated to explain. == Yes, too complicated, indeed. So I will not explain my reasoning and these senseless craps called feelings and emotions.

Just being reminded of the words "work experience" put me into another State of Depression. :/ But it was good too, since it helped brought me back into the real world.
Lately I've been busy doing schoolwork and am just reading manga and watching anime without thinking any depressive stuff... however that also means that I wasn't thinking at all. Not thinking about my own life and the future at all. And now I've been snapped back to reality, that one day I'll have to do Work Experience.
It feels very much like the time I lost my USB. :)
Yes, that's right. Feels exactly like that, except the situation is different.
The despair is the same. It's just that with the USB, I dreaded that I really will lose it for real, but with this, I can be sure that it really will happen. It's worse than the time I lost my USB, because it's definite. Yet for some reason I am hanging onto a pointless thread of hope that I won't have to do it. Would they let me off if I tell them that I have Depression? 8D ...But what if they say that "everything must do it"? Something like Depression won't give me a leeway in life, after all. Yeah, no chance.
I was so irritated and "other stuff" that I punched the ground. Although I guess I wasn't that irritated since I didn't do it to full force and I actually put my jacket down on the ground first so that it didn't hurt too much. =="
Next time I should do it seriously, with bleeding and all. It may bring me to my senses a little.
I should just get on with life and try to live for the future. :/
Although I really hate the future...

Aah... it's a bit hard to tell whether what I'm thinking is pessimism or depression. :/
Those are two totally different things after all.

Once my friend had said, "I really wish that one day something big would happen to you and then you become all happy and..." etc..........
Let me tell you that she knows that I have Depression.
However I don't think she really understands. I... don't think she understand at all, actually. :/ She may, but she just gives me the impression that she doesn't. So who knows?
The above is a mixture of pessimism and depression, with depression being around 85%. This post is 100% depression. Actually, now that I think more about it... the above might as well be 100% depression...
Pessimistic people wouldn't want to die. :/ They probably don't think that they're a failure and that the future is hopeless and that life isn't worth living either. Well, maybe they'd think the last one, but, the point is, pessimism is not depression.

Depression, dear readers, is an illness. A serious illness, at that. It's just a mental one.
After all, many die from it each year. :3
I hope one day I'll be one of those peopl...
Naah, I want to die, painlessly please, without committing suicide. But I don't think that will happen. We can't really choose our own death after all. Unless we commit suicide. xD
And one day I'll... probably be cured from that illness... although at the moment I can't really imagine myself not wanting to die because I really want to.
For example, it's like saying that someone who's obsessed with manga and anime will one day not like it anymore. Not that they'd "overcome their obsession", but to not like it anymore. Can you imagine that? :/

Now, let's pray that I either get shot in the head or gets involved in a terrorist attack by running full-blown into a bomb and dying straight away tomorrow. Or any other method of quick, painless death would be fine, too. :)
Thank you~

Make it Sound Legendary

Let's see. I just created this account, so of course I want to write something on it. Just one post on my "The Comments on Life" blog wasn't enough.
And since this blog is called "The Complaints Journal", I might as well complain about something.


Doesn't it annoy you when you feel guilty about something, even though it's not your fault at all, and you know it?
The unit this term for English is Parody on ICT issues, to be loose. We have to perform a parody in the form of a Current Affairs show, featuring an ICT issue. There should be around 3-4 in a group, the teacher says.
We started of with three, of course. Let me codename the other two "Gus" and... "Lee". Both of them are guys, by the way.
The next day, one of our friends who was away yesterday ended up joining our group. Let's codename him "Jo". We started a little more, and ended up taking in another friend of ours, who was alone (we are nice people, after all... :/ ). We weren't expecting the number to increase anymore since those were the only people we were close enough with in our English class. Then... came along Mikey, the moody-seeming transfer student that reminds me somewhat of a yankee. You can never actually tell though. Anyways, the teacher walks by and tells us that he is joining our group... without our consent... though I didn't plan on rejecting him from the start anyways. That's a little too mean, he is new and all.
And so we ended up... with six.
We continued working like this while I write the script for the parody (I have the highest grades in the group, and it may be just me, but I'm also the most serious and sensible... [I will be honest and praise myself here... =.=]) I was halfway through when the very same teacher that told Mikey to join our group told us to split into two.
We all went quiet after I said, "So who's with who?"
Gus quickly went, "I begs to be with *Mage-chan. ~Let's codename me Mage-chan for now~*."
And then Jo went, "I begs to be with Gus".
And things went on from there.
Truthfully, those two were the ones that I'd wanted to be grouped up with, since the other three just seemed so... hopeless. They're, you know, the type that you'd assume that they fail every subject (hello, I'm being honest here...)... But those two were the more reliable ones... at least I was sure they'd do something.
After that, relationship becomes strained. The people from the other group won't talk to me anymore. :(
Since we ended up doing the same parody (I'd already started the script, so it'd be a waste to change it, and I'd NOT be happy to give it to the other group), Gus and Jo tried helping the other group a little, but all of them just seemed so... out of the mood.
You get what I mean?


From, Mage-chan~