Something That is Hard to Achieve Yet is Always Wished For

Dreams~
Goals~

I believe almost everyone would have the above?
But I myself haven't had such a thing for a while now, and the only wish in my head had been "to die a quick, neat, painless death soon".
But since I'm not brave enough to commit suicide and I've already put that thought to the side anyway, maybe it's really time I stop pointlessly moping and just live this pointless life.
Before I got into my ultra-depressed state, but was just being pessimistic and purely logical, I thought I'd go in the Economics direction.
I used to want to be an architect, when I was little - because I was good at maths, and everyone says that I'm great at art - but no!! I very soon realised that I lack something quite important or an architect! And that's creativity! I have an extreme case of boringness and repetitiveness)!
And so in the end, the only subject that I can rely on myself to succeed at was mathematics. And I have an interest in the state of this terrible world so I thought I might study Economics! I find it all pretty interesting, too.

I'm glad I took a part in the Sharemarket Game, despite the fact that we'd failed miserably. :3

Now, maybe I'll just come out of my pointless moping - you see, this is what I think; depression was caused by myself, by my own negative thinking, by my own worry, by my own stupidity. So if I was the one who'd caused it, only I can stop it!! If I didn't want to, then there'd be no way in hell that I'd be able to get rid of it!
Of course, I'll probably remain fractious, but that's something else.

And once I'd acquired depression, every possibility became an impossible, every hope became despair, and every wish became too far to reach.
Everything looked much harder, everything was just out of reach from stupid I; the future was dark, dark, dark and there was no hope.

But you know, it was just me running away - something I'd known all along, but didn't stop myself from doing it. It was because I didn't want to risk anything, I didn't want to try, I didn't want to attempt, because I was convinced that I was going fail everything.
But underneath that thought, I also knew that I was being illogical. If I didn't try, didn't risk anything, didn't attempt, then of course I wasn't going to succeed in anything.
But I continued running away.
Because I was scared - you know how I keep saying that I was a coward. Well, personally I think only cowards get depression. Because when I got depression, all I really wished for was death - and that's just more running away - running away from life.

I knew that I was wasting my time with depression, with despair, with everything.
I knew all along that I should just abandon all this pointless moping and just focus on getting myself a good future, because depression won't get me anywhere.
But I refused, because if I'd stopped being depressed...... let's just say it was just me being stubborn. :P

But I don't think I give a damn any more. I'd better stop being pointlessly stubborn. =="
Yep.
And this is the result from talking to my... new friend, the same person I'd mentioned in the A Coin Standing on Its Edge, Teetering post. ^^
I don't know, I guess talking to someone who'd already experienced life more than I have helped? Because the only ones I have been talking to are my friends, who're just [unintentionally, I believe] making my depression worse day by day!! But hearing him saying that he went through a tough time, yet is still trying makes me feel so bad, I thought that I'd better stop this!!!

Even better, he'd majored in Economics, something that I [probably] will also major in!!
...
Now I'm feeling really excited!! 8D

The only problem left is my pride; my stubbornness. I refuse to work out the economy for Australia!!!
I don't want Australia to become rich!!! Dx But I can only do it for Australia if I'm learning from the university in Australia!!
Ah, what a pain... =="

Oh, well, if I just ignore the part how Australia's education was what caused me depression, and Australia's uber annoying laws and regulations that are just too freakin' many that it's extremely irritating, I might return back to liking Australia somewhat. :P

Aah, amazing how a random, quick chat and a friend can change one's mindset. xD
This is the first time that I'd ever agreed with the "friends are nice; friends are important and they help you, etc." saying thing.
Because... I don't know... I think it's because I feel extremely restricted in real life to say or do anything, so I'm not as open as I am on the internet. Plus, like I said earlier, talking to someone who'd been through hard times already helped immensely. :3

...now let's just wait and see whether a State of Depression would return.

...but I feel really refreshed right now! :D
:) All thanks to my new friend..... sorry, does this sound creepy? ><