Aah... I Want to Turn Back Time, I Want to Do it SOOOOO MUCH...

And make it so that I was never born into this friggin' world. x)

At first I was going to write "Ahh... I Want to Die, I Want to Die SOO MUCH", etc, but then I realised that it's not quite true.
I'm a Buddhist, so I believe in the afterlife and the next life.
...terrible. To die, but not to die. To be relieved of all the responsibilities in life yet there are more things to do.
Well, I might not think the same in my next life, who knows, I may be an optimist (aah... the horrors of having myself become one...), but I'll probably think the same in my afterlife.
Ghosts exist in Buddhism, and if I become a ghost... that'd just be painful. :/
I want to die, dammit! I want to be erased, I want to disappear!

I'm too tired to live!

If I'm doing to continue pointlessly "live on" even after dying, then what would be the point of me dying in the first place!?
Of course, unless Buddhism is not true... :/ But my subconscious tells me not, because I believe it in. T^T Then I guess people who knows me in life real and my stories readers should be glad, because that's one of the main reasons stopping me from committing suicide. (unless you want me to die; then be sad)
Buddhism, I mean. Killing oneself is a great sin, so if I kill myself then ended up in hell, then get tortured... what was the point of giving myself a pointless death?
Of course, that happening actually makes a lot of sense, because the world never works the way you want it to. And it's rarely ever on your side... unless you're one of the smart, lucky ones, I guess...
Aah... I want to insanely laugh at the place that the world is...

The world is also an ironic place.

Fear was one of the things gave me depression.
Fear is also one of the things that is stopping me from committing suicide.

I won't deny it; I'm a total coward.
I have always been, and still am, and may continue to be so in the future. (the future is unpredictable after all, but that's also one thing I hate about it. :/)
Cowardice turned into lack of self-esteem/confidence, and things rolls on...
...To what it is today.

I wonder why I only got to expand my line of understanding about this damn world and how things don't always go the way you want it to when I graduated from primary school. Maybe it was all the new things?
Ahh... it must've been A-chan. It is one of the possibilities. And it wasn't only her, you could say that it was almost everyone else in the grade, but more so my class or... maybe my group of friends.
When you meet someone who is better at you at everything, you can get three reactions;
1. Fired up and want to beat/overcome that person.
2. Depressed and wonders why you're so stupid.
3. Cheers on that person while continuing to do what you have always done.
So, 1 = Positively, 2 = Negatively, and 3 = Neutrally.
I ended up getting 2, obviously.
I was actually proud of how I was always the best at Maths, but I soon realised that it won't always be like that. There will always be people who are better than you.
That fact alone convinced me that I won't excel at anything, and that is probably true. (take note of the word "probably", please)
Because there are people who are better than me, and they will, because they are, better than me. (err.. a little confusing there, but nevermind. :P)

I soon realised that I'm surrounded by a bunch of geniuses.
(Even if some of them denies it.)

I'm an ultimately slow person, and that's not good. "Slow" is not a good trait to have in today's society.
WORSE, I have no motivation, has extreme laziness, etc.
Which really does make me a failure, because I simply don't try hard enough. :/
...Or maybe I do?
Maybe I already have, but that is the highest level I can achieve?

Anyway, I'm tired, so I will stop writing now and publish this damn post.
Which would already be published, seeing that you are reading it. >.>