There's this group of certain regulars that come every Friday and sits on the same table every time (they insist).
They are a bunch of annoying folks. At least one of them are. I'm going to call him M.
He had once told me that I should smile more since I don't smile so often, and that I look attractive when I smile. That last comment was actually what made me reluctant to smile, but let's not worry about that. (I have this strange... refusal to do anything girlish. ...and trying to look attractive is very girlish, sort-of... stereotypically, anyway.)
I smiled for him anyway though, although it was obviously forced. (maybe not that obvious, but...)
And today, he repeated himself again, because it's his hobby to annoy people.
"Can't you smile?" he'd wondered. "Look, follow your friend's example here," he then added, gesturing to my friend who had been standing next to him for whatever reason. My friend then flashed a grin at me cheerily.
I was like, "..." Hell no. =*= But I quickly flashed a smile at him anyway to humour him a little; hopefully he'd stop bothering me and just say what he wants already.
He went on, "See, even your mum smiles all the time." He points to my mum. I could just tell without looking that she was smiling brightly.
Stop complaining you #$%^&!!! You can't expect someone suffering from Depression to smile ever so often!! That's like... asking a cheerful person to cry!!
However I did not say that out loud. As I didn't really want to announce that I have Depression, yet I was extremely tempted to shout that to his face since he was making me feel... I dunno, what... frustrated?
By the way, that sort of triggered my Depression since it came flying back after its vacation of me being ultra busy and not having time to think about pointless things like life.
I think it's also the fact that I'm going to be moving back to Thailand. I've been avoiding saying this since it's really... something that I don't want to say, but maybe I am sad to leave this place after all.
Once I really leave for Thailand, I don't know when I'll be able to visit Australia again. :/ I mean, there's school and stuff and I really have no intentions of going on a holiday in Australia. Nooo.
I don't mind being alone or having no friends, but I don't want to lose anything... no? =*=
Geh.
...Maybe I really should just commit suicideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Ahahaha, as if. I'd never have enough courage to do that anyway.
It says here that,
"Painful conditions always pass, both mental and physical. Life always changes, and better times will come back inevitably.
Do not decide to harm yourself for a problem that will pass."
That's what it said. (You know what, that website annoys me quite a lot. =*=)
...it will pass? You're saying that a problem will always pass?
Oh my god, reading through that website pissed me off quite badly. I am now in quite a bad mood.
So I will tune out. Check out that website and tell me what you think about it... although you might not be able to give such a good answer if you've never felt like committing suicide before... Hmm... :/
Maybe a reason I'm annoyed is because that it's telling me all those things that I already know like "life will always change" and other random craps and reasons to NOT commit suicide, yet all of those craps and reasons are the very reason that caused me Depression in the first place and wants me to commit suicide!??
Hmm... I don't really know.
My Depression sorts of makes me annoyed at almost everything, too...
Or I may just be... ahem, PMS-ing, although the last time I read this it was not that time of the month yet I was still annoyed at it...
Anyhow, I will stop writing now since I am too annoyed to write senselessly!
And I'm sure you all wouldn't want to read a post full of senselessness!!
Because it would be senseless, and it wouldn't make any sense!!!
So then, sayonara!!!!
Seems like you and I are on the same level most of the time. I'm not exactly a cheerful bunny most days, however I do remember a time when I used to be.
ReplyDeleteBut all that disappeared when my first employers knocked every ounce of confidence out of me and I've never been able to get it back (there's probably other deep underlying factors)
But I'm glad you mention that part about asking a cheerful person to cry, because it reminded me that that person did exist once, and I can be that person again... cause apparently on the website link on your post, "problems will always pass" haha we'll see.
I don't like doing what people want, I don't feel like I owe them any thing, so I understand how being asked to smile might annoy you. Imagine how I felt when I worked for a retailer called Uniqlo, when it was my job to smile at every one! that was painful!
Hope you feel better soon! I envy you next big adventure to Thailand. I don't have much to look forward to in the near future, but things could be worse :3
I agree with you at that. I wanted to say the same for a while now, but I just couldn't find the right words and the right moment. :)
DeleteI don't have... confidence, either... but that can wait since I've started a blog post concerning my confidence, you'll probably see that soon.
Yeah, we'll see. To me, that website sprouted quite a lot of lies. But maybe it was all truth, who knows...
Yes, that's it, exactly!!!
Genius, Deevi!!
Now that you've said that I realised that maybe I should look at it differently... I can think of it as an exciting adventure to Thailand, not as a life-changing studying hell!! < What stopped me from thinking about that possibility before was my mood, so in other words, Depression... and probably my pessimism, too, but yeah...