Crecsendo, Keeping, Going and GONE

Oh mi gosh. O.o

I took the BDI again after approximately 2 or so weeks, and guess what I got? It increased by TEN points! O.o

Last time I took it I received a score of 28 (Moderate Depression), this time I got 38 (Severe Depression). Crap, it increased… and a lot, too. == (I discovered that I had Moderate Depression through the BDI only in February, and it’s April, so I guess it took me only 2-3 months to increase a level [unless I’ve had Moderate Depression for a long, long time now…] O.o)

Maybe that’s why I can’t really tell what’s pessimism and what’s depression anymore.

Must be all that visa and Work Experience stuff…

But who caressss! At the moment I’ve given up committing suicide, so it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s not like I’m going to go and randomly cut myself or anything either. :/ That’s not cool, really.

I’ve already decided to just ignore everything else, ignore what I want or what I feel, and only doing what I must, after all. That’s also why I’ve given up suicide [for the time being, mind you :P]. People tell me it’s wrong, you know it’s wrong, I know it’s wrong. And seeing that it’s so wrong, I decided to put it off; it’s a waste of time just thinking about it when I’m not actually going to do it [err… most likely] after all. So I’m just going to continue living, giving my best into what I must do.

Otherwise I’ll end up doing nothing.

I’ll be stuck in the same spot, I’ll never be moving forward.

I’m probably repeating myself here [and I most probably will again in the future, because I simply can’t not repeat myself xP], but I no longer care. I no longer give a crap about what happens. There’s really nothing to be hoping for – I don’t want to feel disappointed and irritated and sad and frustrated about things anymore. I’m completely running away, yes.  Then again, I’m sort of facing it at the same time – I’m continuing on living, so I’ll have to face them anyway, but since I’m no longer hoping for anything, there’s nothing for me to be disappointed at, is there?

Maybe one day I’ll turn back into that cheerful kid I once was, but it’s unlikely. I’ve matured. I now know that life is terrible, and reality is harsh.

There ain’t much in life to look forward to except ma’ death < okay, that was depression. Even I could tell. :P

I’ve turned into a realist in my course of being depressed, and I no longer believe in hopes and dreams – dreams are generally hard to achieve, anyway.

Wouldn’t you know how lucky you are to be one of the few to achieve something like a dream?

Haaah…

Anyhow, I shouldn’t even be talking about this – I shouldn’t even be blogging at all, if I wanted to follow all of my goals. But I feel for the readers.  But then that means I’m still doing something that I ‘want to’, something that isn’t a ‘must’. Maybe I’ll just limit my posting then. Yep, let’s do that.

I work 5 days a week so let’s make it 2 posts a week – one per one day-off. :)

I’ll have to limit my internet time to even less – I think I’ll have to drop some manga series that I’m following as well; since I can’t regularly check the “Manga Releases” page of mangafox, I’ll have to make it easy for me so that I won’t have to check which series has updated so many times.

Let’s see, let’s make it like this,

Ones that I’m not dropping;

<Weekly Series;>

Noblesse – the characters are cool, and I want to see what happens next. Like, quite badly.

Detective Conan – I’ve been following this manga for 10 years. I am NOT going to drop it now. >.>

Nononono – it’s finishing soon anyway, doesn’t make too much difference. ^^

Gintama – too funny; reading it soothes me. :)

<Monthly Series>;

Oresama Teacher – hilariously random, a light, enjoyable read. Want to see Takaomi and Mafuyu get together.

Pandora Hearts – one of the most twisted series ever, I desperately need to reread it otherwise I’ll never understand it, with its several confusing events. And I really want to see the end too… T^T

Yumekui Merry – it’s awesome, a unique story, and I want to see how it ends, if it will.

Cahe Detective Club – just to see what happens to the romance between Nana and Touma. :3

Kuroshitsuji – the new arc looks too good.
Natsume Yuujinchou - very heartwarming, it's another light, enjoyable read.

Ones that I’m planning on stopping reading then coming back later in approx. 3-6 months (planning on, anyway);

Saki and Saki: Achiga-hen Episode of Side A – I just want to see Saki meet Teru!! ><

Skip Beat! – I like the newest developments, so I want to see what happens next.

Crepescule (Yamchi)

Ageha 100% – I want to see the ending, which is coming in approx. two more chapters.

Aoiro Toshokan

Chronos -Deep-

Taiyou no Ie

Ai Dano Koi Dano

To Aru Kagaku no Railgun

Shitsuji-sama no Okiniiri

Bleach – let it finish first and I might return to it, one chapter contains too less material. :/

Sensei ni, Ageru – all the same reason…
The Legend of Sun Knight manhwa - it's too good... even if I've already read the Light Novel version... it's too good! ><

Ones that I’m planning on dropping;

Magico – I was planning on dropping it anyway; it’s getting more boring by the week.

Half Prince – I’ve already read the summary of the ending, so meh. I’ll just read the climax then the resolution after the scanlation of the manhwa and the translation of the Light Novel finishes.

The Nanoha series – just ‘cause.

Hayate no Gotoku – I want to finish/catch up to this series one day, but not now.

Hunter x Hunter – it’s good, but it’s sort of lagging. I’ll pick it back up one day. Probably.

Shibatora – meh. I’ve lost interest in this series.

Zettai Karen Children – it’s good, but I didn’t like the newest [where I’m up to]’s developments; plus I don’t support the main pairing. Droppable. Dropped.

Kaichou wa Maid-sama! – also droppable; it’s not so good to the point that I have to read every new chapter. :/

Ao Haru Ride – [nothing but] cheesy, cliché, sweet romance ain’t really for meh. :P

New Prince of Tennis – go read it and you won’t have to ask.

Yada~