I wonder if I really am going mental.
I manage to take anything and everything around said in the most negative way. But then again, the [other] cursed word was said here, so I guess it couldn't have been helped.
Just one sentence from a friend made me so... negative, I felt like dying all over again... But then again, me wanting to die isn't anything new! It's so common, I'm just thinking that it's an everyday occurrence now! :D [Which also makes me wonder why people want to live so much, too :/]
Just one ordinary break time, a friend asked me, "Why do you want to do Economics?"
I paused. What was with that question? We've already talked about this last week, and she then thought that I should totally do it...? "...because... it's interesting?" I replied back uncertainly. As well as something that I may not fail at for certain.
"But if you ifhdghrhgbsdgbyudofbgkgj." She said something here that sounded suspiciously like, "since you don't like Australia, you wouldn't want to do the Economics for Australia, would you?" And then I heard the word "Thailand" in there some where as well (something like "if you study the economics for Australia, then you wouldn't be able to use it in Thailand", I think), but she was speaking in a way that somehow I couldn't make sense of... I heard several different [key] words, but I didn't manage to catch the whole sentence. =="
I shrugged, went silent and looked back into the far distance... those few words just triggered the biggest problematic obstacle in that certain department. I'd already said that I didn't want to work out the economy for Australia in one of the older posts already, but for the time being I decided to ignore that dislike. [Only supports the fact that emotions are a pain and gets in the way of a lot of things]
Plus, if I study things like globalisation in economics, I thought that it'd be more applicable in other countries, rather than any other SOSE subject.
No, actually, thinking that far ahead is probably extremely immodest and foolish of me. I still don't even know whether I'll survive Year 10, Year 11 or even Year 12, and I was already thinking about university, and work after university?
The above thoughts all occurred to me in a matter of seconds before I said this, "...well, I can't just do straight Maths, can I?" Since that happens to be the only subject I'm good at... no, actually, I'm not that good at Maths either. I can't even subtract big numbers properly. [What is wrong with me?] If I think about it properly, there isn't any subject that I'm really good at...
She confirmed the answer to my question, then turned back to whatever she was doing earlier.
After that, I sat there airily, reflecting on how stupid I am to even think about university when I wasn't even sure that I was going to successfully pass high school. It made me want to smash my head against the wall that I was leaning against, but I was worried that if there was people in the other side, I'd disturb them, so I didn't. Punching the ground looks a little too painful, too, so I dropped that idea. I didn't have the energy anyway...
If I can't do economics and I can't do maths, then I just can't see anything else for me to do.
Well, apart from being a total failure.
But that isn't really an option I'd like to take that much. But only if I could, then I would prefer to be a corpse. ^^ I won't even have to think about the future any more! My, how very convenient. :)
The Arts is not my department, either. I have no creativity, and it doesn't suit an impatient person like me.
No, actually, I don't think any subject suits me at all. I mean, maths currently is so easy to me, but I can't even do basic division and basic subtraction and such all that well. I can't do multiple problems at once in my head, and I find myself struggling to understand anything that's too complicated. And I don't really know whether I'm good at numbers or not.
I love writing, it's my hobby. But I suck at it so badly, my grammar still needs improvement, my vocabulary still needs expansion. And once again, I have no creativity. And I can't even write endings. My spelling could also do with some practice.
Japanese and Italian [LOTE in general], I'm struggling in remembering the te form, and other such forms and vocabs that we're learning. I don't feel like I'm improving at all [or even learning anything new], and it makes me want to bang my head against something, once again.
SOSE, my worse subject. Yet economics is in this department, which pains me every time economics jumped into my mind. I don't know any such historical events; history, geography and biology are my worse subjects ever. And a couple more Sciences; I can understand how Physics and Chemistry works, but I just can't remember any of the base knowledge in all five subjects. :/ [Excluding geography; I at least know where Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and USA are!]
The rest of break time insisted mostly of me silently mulling over my stupidity, like the above.
I took a look at my future path once again, and everything just came crashing down; and since just now economics turned into a should-not-go-down path, I don't see any way out.
Aaah... then no surprise I turned to thinking how much I want to die.
I don't see why I have to waste my time living. ...I don't even want time. I seriously want to give my time to someone else, but that's technically impossible. :/
How I wouldn't have liked to do the economics for Australia was already a fact known to me ever since a while ago [as I have stated earlier, I mentioned it in another post], and I had decided to ignore it, but I guess I can't just ignore it after all. I guess something will always remind me, seeing that I do live in Australia.
Like how I can't ignore the fact that I hate life, the fact that emotions exist, the fact that I'm still alive on this freakin' earth.
Everything turned into impossible again, even though I'd been able to keep a somewhat positive outlook for three weeks now, more or less. For a while I managed to convince myself that I'm not a total failure, and that I may be able to achieve at least a passing grade in Year 12 that I may be able to get an A in most subjects, and such...
Now I'm not so sure...
Besides, if I have to go Thailand, then everything is definitely impossible. Fail high school, no university, no anything. The lifestyle here and there are totally different, too.
[Maybe I'll borrow my dad's gun when he's not looking... XP]
Yes, so if any path of mine only consists of failure, then you see how death is preferable to me? ^^
Everything is so obvious. That's why optimists annoys me... wait, no, that doesn't work. Optimists are usually smart, confident people. But I ain't any of that, and that's a reason that I'm a total failure. But they have the ability to succeed in there life!! So they're allowed to be optimistic [not that it annoy me any less :P], because everything's a possibility for them!
While I really am a total failure, so being optimistic for me will only end in pain! ^^
That's all~
From,
Mage-chan~
I manage to take anything and everything around said in the most negative way. But then again, the [other] cursed word was said here, so I guess it couldn't have been helped.
Just one sentence from a friend made me so... negative, I felt like dying all over again... But then again, me wanting to die isn't anything new! It's so common, I'm just thinking that it's an everyday occurrence now! :D [Which also makes me wonder why people want to live so much, too :/]
Just one ordinary break time, a friend asked me, "Why do you want to do Economics?"
I paused. What was with that question? We've already talked about this last week, and she then thought that I should totally do it...? "...because... it's interesting?" I replied back uncertainly. As well as something that I may not fail at for certain.
"But if you ifhdghrhgbsdgbyudofbgkgj." She said something here that sounded suspiciously like, "since you don't like Australia, you wouldn't want to do the Economics for Australia, would you?" And then I heard the word "Thailand" in there some where as well (something like "if you study the economics for Australia, then you wouldn't be able to use it in Thailand", I think), but she was speaking in a way that somehow I couldn't make sense of... I heard several different [key] words, but I didn't manage to catch the whole sentence. =="
I shrugged, went silent and looked back into the far distance... those few words just triggered the biggest problematic obstacle in that certain department. I'd already said that I didn't want to work out the economy for Australia in one of the older posts already, but for the time being I decided to ignore that dislike. [Only supports the fact that emotions are a pain and gets in the way of a lot of things]
Plus, if I study things like globalisation in economics, I thought that it'd be more applicable in other countries, rather than any other SOSE subject.
No, actually, thinking that far ahead is probably extremely immodest and foolish of me. I still don't even know whether I'll survive Year 10, Year 11 or even Year 12, and I was already thinking about university, and work after university?
The above thoughts all occurred to me in a matter of seconds before I said this, "...well, I can't just do straight Maths, can I?" Since that happens to be the only subject I'm good at... no, actually, I'm not that good at Maths either. I can't even subtract big numbers properly. [What is wrong with me?] If I think about it properly, there isn't any subject that I'm really good at...
She confirmed the answer to my question, then turned back to whatever she was doing earlier.
After that, I sat there airily, reflecting on how stupid I am to even think about university when I wasn't even sure that I was going to successfully pass high school. It made me want to smash my head against the wall that I was leaning against, but I was worried that if there was people in the other side, I'd disturb them, so I didn't. Punching the ground looks a little too painful, too, so I dropped that idea. I didn't have the energy anyway...
If I can't do economics and I can't do maths, then I just can't see anything else for me to do.
Well, apart from being a total failure.
But that isn't really an option I'd like to take that much. But only if I could, then I would prefer to be a corpse. ^^ I won't even have to think about the future any more! My, how very convenient. :)
The Arts is not my department, either. I have no creativity, and it doesn't suit an impatient person like me.
No, actually, I don't think any subject suits me at all. I mean, maths currently is so easy to me, but I can't even do basic division and basic subtraction and such all that well. I can't do multiple problems at once in my head, and I find myself struggling to understand anything that's too complicated. And I don't really know whether I'm good at numbers or not.
I love writing, it's my hobby. But I suck at it so badly, my grammar still needs improvement, my vocabulary still needs expansion. And once again, I have no creativity. And I can't even write endings. My spelling could also do with some practice.
Japanese and Italian [LOTE in general], I'm struggling in remembering the te form, and other such forms and vocabs that we're learning. I don't feel like I'm improving at all [or even learning anything new], and it makes me want to bang my head against something, once again.
SOSE, my worse subject. Yet economics is in this department, which pains me every time economics jumped into my mind. I don't know any such historical events; history, geography and biology are my worse subjects ever. And a couple more Sciences; I can understand how Physics and Chemistry works, but I just can't remember any of the base knowledge in all five subjects. :/ [Excluding geography; I at least know where Asia, Europe, Australia, Africa, and USA are!]
The rest of break time insisted mostly of me silently mulling over my stupidity, like the above.
I took a look at my future path once again, and everything just came crashing down; and since just now economics turned into a should-not-go-down path, I don't see any way out.
Aaah... then no surprise I turned to thinking how much I want to die.
I don't see why I have to waste my time living. ...I don't even want time. I seriously want to give my time to someone else, but that's technically impossible. :/
How I wouldn't have liked to do the economics for Australia was already a fact known to me ever since a while ago [as I have stated earlier, I mentioned it in another post], and I had decided to ignore it, but I guess I can't just ignore it after all. I guess something will always remind me, seeing that I do live in Australia.
Like how I can't ignore the fact that I hate life, the fact that emotions exist, the fact that I'm still alive on this freakin' earth.
Everything turned into impossible again, even though I'd been able to keep a somewhat positive outlook for three weeks now, more or less. For a while I managed to convince myself that I'm not a total failure, and that I may be able to achieve at least a passing grade in Year 12 that I may be able to get an A in most subjects, and such...
Now I'm not so sure...
Besides, if I have to go Thailand, then everything is definitely impossible. Fail high school, no university, no anything. The lifestyle here and there are totally different, too.
[Maybe I'll borrow my dad's gun when he's not looking... XP]
Yes, so if any path of mine only consists of failure, then you see how death is preferable to me? ^^
Everything is so obvious. That's why optimists annoys me... wait, no, that doesn't work. Optimists are usually smart, confident people. But I ain't any of that, and that's a reason that I'm a total failure. But they have the ability to succeed in there life!! So they're allowed to be optimistic [not that it annoy me any less :P], because everything's a possibility for them!
While I really am a total failure, so being optimistic for me will only end in pain! ^^
That's all~
From,
Mage-chan~
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