I Have Been Really Not-Creative Lately... Subjects and Results, Interpretations and Happiness, Future and Possibilities.

It really annoys me still. 

They say our school is a really really good school.

It is.

But it never fails to pisses me off in ways that are... not entirely 'wrong' or 'bad'.

The whole Year 10 had a draft for an assignment due last week. The English department made it such a big deal by putting it in the notices and reminding their students every time they see them.

I don't like this idea. Isn't it the responsibilities of the students to be able to hand in their assignments on time? Isn't it their responsibility to remember? 

[What I say when everything is too easy...]

I didn't comment on this issue, but the above was really bothering me, truthfully. If they don't hand it in, then just leave them be and let them fail. If they don't have the motivation, then that's their fault. In real life no one would come to remind you to do your work. They'd just fire you if you don't do it!!

We're already in Year 10, goddammit!! 

I guess all this ruckus would be acceptable if it was in primary school. But we're not in primary school. We're already 'senior high schoolers'...

~~

…a teacher came into our class today and talked to us about how we can pick from either English or English Communication for our Senior…

When the teacher said, “You should consider English Communication if you are struggling in Year 10 English,”, I thought that “I’m struggling”. However it was already set that I was going to do English, because I’m passing it and am planning on going to university. And people would object if I say that I’m struggling, I was sure...

But then tonight I realised that I’m not struggling in Year 10 English. I am, indeed, struggling to get a VHA in Year 10 English… which is sort of different. -__-

On the other hand, I’m also struggling to get a VHA in IT and Music. In Music, I’m probably more on “struggling to get a pass/SA” though… It. Is. Too. Damn. Hard.

So far I’ve gotten a B+ for my last Performance assessment. Next is a transcription task; that’s alright, although my understanding of it is extremely blurry.

The composition, the exam, the essay… I. Will. Fail. Trus--- no, I can’t tell you to trust my words. Because I might be wrong. I’m never right, after all.

~~

I also got my Maths C assignment back today. An A+… but not 100%. For a moment I freaked out, but then I realised that the points that made my marks not 100% was the Investigation task. So then I meh’ed, because I didn’t put my hopes into the Investigation task much.

My friend also got an A+, with a higher mark than me in Knowledge and Procedures; I got 18.5/20 and she got 19.5/20.

When I’d heard she say, “I’m happy with my mark”, I almost screeched out loud; “How!? How could you be happy with just that!? Ridiculous!”

But I was the ridiculous one, ahahaha. -_- I actually can’t believe my mind had that sort of reaction. She was 0.5 marks away from 100%... who wouldn’t be happy? Ha, me of course.

Now, apparently anything that’s not 100% is considered a “failure” to me, even if the overall mark is A or A+. And I have an ominous feeling that I won’t be happy with a 100% either… which pretty much means that I won’t be happy at all!? WTF!?

I’m starting to suspect that I’m a masochist or something! I want to see myself fail so badly… although I know why, of course. Since I’m so annoyed by the fact that everything is so easy, I want to do something hard. And to also prove my stupidity to the people who are in denial and keep saying that my intelligence exists, I want to fail on something, too…

Keh. Kukukukuhaha.

Ohhh, then again, who gives a crap about all that!? I gave up caring already! I'll just do what I want and need to do then get a well-pay job, work lots, go on a world tour, then die a painless death!

...like hell it'll go as planned, though. Life always has a way to make you suffeerrr.

Something will happen.

Something will.

I just know it.

It just depends on when.... 

They say life is short, but that only makes me more worried about everything. 

Time is precious. Time never stops. Time moves so fast. 

Something will change.

Nothing can stay the same forever.

Life is short, but there is so many things that I want to do... but will never be able to. 

There's always a contradiction in my thoughts. I am happy right now, everything is good. That's why I really don't like the thought of future either. Yet I feel that I could've been somewhere better for the sake of a better future, and so that makes me miserable and I feel like everything is doomed to fail one day.

Since it's good right now and has always been, I  feel that it definitely will be bad in the future. It can't always be great until I die. That just won't happen. I just know it.

Definitely.

I'm always dreading the day someone I know drops dead. Even if I lie to myself that it won't happen, but I know that it's a very likeable possibility. 

That may be a 'bad' time, but who knows... since I know that someone I know will drop dead during my lifetime, I don't like the thought of being really attached to anything. Because I know that I will lose someone and something one day...

But then again, I don't care any moooooore.

Too tiring to think about. I think too much, I feel like I should feel more. But feeling is also tiring.

So I just won't feel any more... was what I wanted to do. But that's impossible!!

Grr. Why is everything so bothersome!?

Someone said that "they don't care what they do/what they become as long as they have fun/enjoy life"... it pisses me off!

I could live like that. But if I only have fun, where the hell do I get my income from!? How would I live!? Is living in starvation fun!? There's such a big contradiction in that sentence!!!!

This is why living is such a bother!!

"Those subjects are an important.."

"What you choose will be important..."

Important, important! I hate the word important!! I hate anything that has meaning! 

...

Okay. Enough of that psychotic ranting.

I should be studying. ...Like always.

By,

Mage-chan.